


Living in My Head

by deathbyinsomnia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Boarding School, Complete, Dark Comedy, Eventual Happy Ending, Football | Soccer, Happy Ending, Hearing Voices, M/M, Mental Instability, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sarcasm, Teen Angst, Tragic Romance, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 15:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 79
Words: 94,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1108302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathbyinsomnia/pseuds/deathbyinsomnia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has been stuck with the Dursley family for years, but finally he's out and can go to the prestigious Hogwarts Academy. Upon arriving, he starts hearing a voice in his head. He's on the edge of his rope, Draco knows that, but can Draco realize his feelings and try to save Harry from himself, before it's too late?<br/>-COMPLETE-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Leaving the Dursleys

**Author's Note:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: 2.20 Boy by Suicide Sports Club

_**~Tuesday- Day 1~** _

You probably don't know me, in fact, I'd be utterly shocked if you did. Anyway, my name is Harry Potter and I'm going to be enrolling at H.E.A.D., formally known as Hogwarts Elite Academy of Diplomacy. It's a rich kid 'politics of upper class' school, but me and the other 0.5% of the student body are hardship transfers. Not even one of the people in that 0.5% have a penny to their names, obviously including me.

I currently live in Ohio with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Oh, you're probably wondering 'Oh, Harry, why don't you live with your parents?' The answer is quite simple, really, they're dead. As a door nail, in fact. They died in a car crash when I was a baby, I was in the car but I survived. Lucky me, huh? Didn't know them much, so not a lot to miss. Anyway, beyond the cynicism.

I have a pet ferret named Castiel, he's white and I love taking him everywhere. He's the best. Shit, getting off topic again. Anyway, I'm leaving here today so I can transfer. It may be the first day and all but I'm a junior and everyone knows each other, the chances of me befriending anyone are zero to negative ten. Maybe I can befriend a teacher or something. Wow. I'm really desperate, aren't I?

Anyway, right now I'm packing the last bits of clothes (and what few material things I own) and putting it in a large trunk. It's a big trunk that my aunt Petunia found in the attic because she didn't want me taking one of their expensive luggage sets. She told me it 'gave more space to use a trunk, anyway'. I hate to admit it but she's right.

I was able to fit all of my clothes(which wasn't much), what few books I owned, as well as my marble chess set my father had left to me. The only thing they left to me besides a picture frame of them two by a beautiful fountain. I envied the never-ending happiness they'd shown in the photo. The days I didn't exist. It may be vice versa now but I feel no relief. They still left me alone with the devil's kin.

I closed the trunk and cursed, I'd forgotten Cas' cage. I open it again and collapse the cage within the trunk, careful to keep the chess set protected. I called out to Cas and he climbed up my arm and rested on my shoulders.

I hear loud, blaring honks, prolonged, and painful to my ears. My uncle Vernon is getting impatient.

"Coming!" I yell, getting irritated, out the window.

I drug the leather trunk down the stairs and it clunked loudly down every step.

"Keep it down, would ya?!" my bully of a cousin bellowed.

My aunt Petunia pushed him away slowly from where I was, whispering that I was leaving so her "Dudley-kins need not to worry about that freeloading brat". It's funny considering I'm the only one to did anything- I did the cooking, I did the cleaning, I did the bankbooks- it's pathetic.

I slid quietly into the passenger seat in the back. Castiel hid quietly in the neckline of my hoodie, they didn't know about my little pet, that of which I was glad. They would've killed him, sold him, or something else inhumane. He sniffs my neck and I try not to laugh, it tickles due to the wetness of his nose and the occasional nips on my neck. I won't miss the Dursleys, I don't think I ever will.

Once we reach the bus station, I expect my uncle to kick me out without saying a word but I'm not so lucky.

"Don't mess this up, boy. This is your last shot."

I nod, "Yes, uncle Vernon." and exit the car, walking to the ticket machine. His car couldn't leave fast enough.

I got my ticket and sat on the outdoor benches, bits of broken metal sticking up into my jeans. (Don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell, but worse has happened.) I check my watch, my bus should be here any minute. I look up and there's the bus! I run up to the loading dock and it almost runs me over. A guy manually opens the door, a tall, pimpled, lanky guy, and ushers me in. I get on the bus and an old guy mumbles a greeting. The bus is practically empty and I take a seat in the front, behind the driver.

There's the occasional snoring but no noises otherwise. Once it's nightfall, everyone except the driver, the lanky guy, and I remain on the bus.

The ticket collector smiles, "It'll be a while, get some sleep. You're heading to Hogwarts Academy, right?"

I nod.

"The closest station is a half mile away from it, you have to walk from there."

I nod again and lean against the window, praying for sleep.

As presumed, I was not so lucky. I stayed awake for the rest of the night. Once it'd gotten to a while before midnight, I left the bus and walked towards my new school. Luckily, the bus driver (with his creepy ventriloquist dummy) had a map of the route to the school.

I walk leisurely towards the sign by the bus stop where they eventually let me off. A small metal sign, hidden by vines from the Mesozoic era block my view. I frown, moving around it and I see the small emblem of Hogwarts. Maybe it'll give directions? No such luck, only a large "9 3/4 miles to Hogwarts blah blah blah" sign.

It has an arrow pointing straight ahead. I guess I go that way. I turn on my heel and drag the trunk along the dirt road. The ticket guy on the bus calls out to me, "Before you go, take this." he hands me a wheeled dolly for my trunk. I put it under the trunk and turn around to thank him, but the bus is gone. Weird.


	2. 9 and 3-Quarters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Stars and Sons by Broken Social Scene

**_ ~Wednesday- Day 2~ _ **

The further I walk, I wonder what the Dursleys will do when the sun rises. Will they turn my old room into a rec room or a study? I laugh to no one in particular, pulling the trunk along. To them, exercise is a sin, if not just the fact they're too damn lazy. I doubt any of those stooges are smart enough to know how to operate a light switch, let alone a computer.

Moonlight shines through the leaves in the trees, causing small rays of light to hit the dirt pathway. I adjust my glasses, ones that had been my dad's frame at one point (couldn't afford anything else), and look up at the moon. I stop for a brief moment, letting the moonlight shine in my eyes. I never get tired of watching it. It seems to speak when you're at your lowest, and gives you words of wisdom. If only people weren't so thick-skinned and stubborn, they would take heed to good advice once in awhile.

I scoff to myself and start moving again. Some good advice? I need to get my ass in gear before I get there. It'll be Saturday when I get there, I need to sleep. I pull out my old mp3 and play music, putting the buds in my ears. I let the world fold away as I feel the confidence I've never felt through this music. Music can make me, a wallflower, walk through a crowd with my head held high. I hum along, singing softly, edging closer and closer to Hogwarts. I never really considered it before, but I can start over here. Maybe, if I do make a few friends, I can start a band or something. I've always wanted to, after all. I hush the thought, no point dwelling on something that will never happen.

The closer I get, I start to notice some things. Like how the further I get, the quieter the scenery around me gets, there's more and more flat land, more dead trees, puddles of water from streams and creeks, I even saw a brook at one point. I look at my watch and sigh, looking at the horizon, the sun will rise soon. I look up again and I see a school on a cliff, a sense of calmed irritation rushes over me. Welcome home, Harry.

The path became more level as I crossed a walkway, made of grey bricks, over a steep creek. The wheels of the dolly made irritating tink-tink-tink-tink-thunk noises as I drug it along but I tried my best to ignore it. As soon as my sneakers reached grass, I wanted to kiss it. So much dirt and mud on the way here, and now I'm greeted with beautiful grass. Such luck! I walk through the open arch and go to the center courtyard. One small light from the office remained on, lighting up the otherwise dark square.

I walked into the main office, collected my info and went to the Lion dorm, Crimson division- The boys' rooms. I got roomed with the other guys in my grade, all of which were gone from their beds. I sighed, but I didn't bother, changing in the dark and getting in bed. As I pulled the blanket over my head, I felt the sun rise as Castiel laid beside me, curling up beside my face. I dreamed of the Saturday to come when the sun rose. It was nothing I ever could have expected.

When I wake up and check my phone clock, close to 8am, I look around and everyone is still asleep in bed. Half-dressed and falling off their beds, in fact. I sigh and nudge sleepy Castiel with my finger before he runs lazily up my arm to lay on my shoulders. I set up his cage and put him inside. I look around and notice my roommates. Many of them don't have animals but I see one frog in a case and a rat in a cage. I shrug and walk towards the dining hall, I'm starving, I haven't eaten since 5am yesterday.

I'm barefoot with baggy sweat pants and a band tee, on my way to the dining hall. Well, I feel stupid. Then I think, since it's so quiet, that means no one is around, right? I keep walking, remembering the map I'd gotten this morning, and soon get there in the knick of time. The people are just finishing setting up and only one student is there. I get my food, 3 pancakes and lots of bacon, and sit about two tables away from the other student.

I'm about to pour syrup on my pancake when I realize I'd forgotten it. I leave my plate and stand, heading for the doors when I hear a voice that must be the other student's.

"Are you new here? I've never seen you before."

I look over at him, is he talking to me?

A ghost of a smile crosses his face, "Yes, I'm talking to you."

I nod, "Yeah, got here early this morning."

He waves his hand, "Come sit with me, I don't bite."

I don't care if this guy is suspicious, I need a friend here.

"As soon as I get syrup." I say.

He laughs softly, "They're at the tables."

I look back over at my table and see a small tabletop heater with a container on it, dammit.

He laughs again, smiling, "Come on, get your stuff, I'll share mine."

I grab my plate and sit directly across from him. He smiles pleasantly, eating slowly.

"I'm Harry, Harry Potter." I say nervously.

He swallows his food and holds out his hand, "Draco Malfoy."

I shake his hand and pour the syrup and butter on my pancakes, smiling. Well, that was painless


	3. Piercing, Silver Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Silver Eyes by Ashram

We talk pleasantly for a while, but once I finish my plate, I notice he has long since finished his.

"Well," he smiled at me "How about we get dressed and go to the courtyard? To get acquainted."

I stand with him, carrying my plate as he carries his, walking over to the dish 'drop off'. I mull over the idea, hanging out with someone like this is new to me. Most people knew of my cousin the pig-headed bully and decided it would be best to leave me be. To avoid me completely.

It hurt at first but then I eventually just found solace in books and Cas, healing the wounds bit by bit. Maybe this "Draco" could help me make some friends, he seems too nice to be one of those rich snobs. I catch him staring at me and I start slightly, I'd been so lost in thought, I forgot to answer him.

We're in front of the four-way fork that leads to each dormitory section: the Snakes, the Eagles, the Badgers, and the Lions. Each animal hall then split into two in to their gender-assigned dorms: Silver, Blue, Black, and Gold, - the respective female sectors- along with Green, Bronze, Yellow, and Crimson- the male sectors. Each sector is guarded by a solitary groundskeeper who patrols each dorm area. I'd seen him on the way to my room and had to show him my information, explaining my situation before he even considered letting me go about my way.

Draco smiles, patient, "Well, seeing as you're lost in your thoughts, I will take the answer to be a no. However, if you change your mind, I'll be in the courtyard until around noon when everyone wakes up. Goodbye, Harry."

He takes the far left hall, a green and silver snake plaque over the arched doorway.

"Goodbye, Draco!" I say after him and he smiles over his shoulder, waving once before continuing on and not looking back at me.

I take the hall to the far right and bump into a smaller girl who drops her books, embarrassed, and I pick them up for her and put them in her arms.

She smiles, her wavy hair softening her features, "You're new here, Harry Potter, right?"

It sounded more like a statement than a question.

I nod, smiling politely in return, "Yes, I am."

She grins happily, "Sorry, I don't mean to be creepy. I work in the office, I'm an aide. I noticed you were a fellow scholarship student, so I just wanted to give you a warm welcome."

I laugh, "Then you were waiting up for me?"

She laughs, "Don't flatter yourself, I was going to welcome you when I saw you, I just happened to meet you opportunely."

She checks her watch, "Oh no, I have to be at the office, I'm Hermione Granger, by the way. See you at dinner, I'll save you a seat!" then she ran off towards the main office.

Yes, she's a nice girl.

Sure, she seems sophisticated and she's definitely beautiful.

However, as I walk into my room to unpack my things, it's not her I think of.

I think of the first hand extending a gesture of friendship out towards the new, dorky kid.

I think of Draco Malfoy and those piercing silver eyes.

...

I pack my things away but cast lingering looks out the window.

What harm would it do? He seems nice.

There's nothing to stop me. So why should I stop myself?

I hear small stirrings from my roommates and dress quickly. Draco had already been dressed when I met him earlier, a grey v-neck and black skinny jeans.

I sigh to myself, I'm acting like such a girl, paying too much attention.

I shake my head in dismissal and pull on a pair of jeans, changing my tee shirt to a Evans Blue: The Melody and the Energetic Nature of Volume album tee. It's my favorite shirt, I observe to myself as I put on socks and my converse.

As I head to the courtyard, I wonder if this is some kind of setup. No one had ever been this nice to me, that is, except my parents. I reach the courtyard and there he is, sitting against a tree on a thick branch as he reads a book. I jump to grab the branch but realize I'm too short. He laughs, holding an arm down to me, his book set in a crevice of the tree.

I sigh, "I can't help it that I'm short." I grab his arm as he grabs my arms, pulling me up. I half-collapse, half-sit onto the branch and straddle it, facing him. He has one knee up with an arm dangling off of it while his other leg is stretched out, his fingers drumming on his knee.

"So," he starts, looking at me. "What house?"

I think, then realize he means the dormitories, "Lion."

Something flickers briefly in his eyes, "Gryffindor..." he mutters.

I repeat the word slowly, confused, "What does that mean?"

He looks at me calmly, "Well, the school was founded by four hippies. They each had a "spirit animal", this guy named S. Slytherin's was the snake- his favorite colors green and silver, R. Ravenclaw the same way, along with H. Hufflepuff, and G. Gryffinor."

I look at him, "What's with the names?"

He seems amused at the question, "They were also Wiccans, that was their 'wizard/witch' names."

I nod slowly, "Ah..."

He laughs at my reaction and I puff in response, "What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, nothing. You're just so.. funny." he laughs.

I start to hear tiny footsteps, I guess people are starting to wake up.

I look at his book, still stuck in the hole in the tree, "What's that?"

He brings the thick book from the hole, "Oh, this? It's The Phantom of the Opera."

I look at him funny, "Why that book?"

He looks at it curiously, "My father says I need to be well-rounded. To learn about the arts and such before taking his place at the firm."

"Oh? Like a law firm?"

He nods, "Yes, in fact, you may know it as the Desitas Law Firm."

It's one of the biggest law firms in the country, and that means his father is Lucius Malfoy.

Oh, god.

This is one of the richest kids at this school. Just my luck.

He looks at my crestfallen expression and frowns.

I hear talking from under the tree, "Draco?! Come down will ya, we need to go to soccer practice!"

They don't see me, I think in relief.

"I'll talk to you some other time, Harry."

He holds the book and jumps onto the ground and I stare irritably after him. He won't be talking to me again, I know it.


	4. I'm A Klutz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half as long as normal chapter due to Harry's class schedule being included.

Once I wait a while, looking at the sky, I climb down the tree. No point in risking breaking my neck, especially considering how klutzy I am. I head towards the library, thinking over my class schedule in my head. On Mondays and Wednesday, I eat breakfast with everyone (if I choose to), then I go to Chemistry, after that I go to Latin class, Business Prep, and my elective on Monday is Planetary Studies while Wednesday's is Ecology. Tuesdays and Fridays go like this: Math, the Greek language, Business, and History. All of these classes are required except for my two electives once a week. Meaning there will be a mixture of all four "houses" in each of my classes. Oh, goodie. I sigh, finally reaching the library, off days are Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. From what I've heard, no one is here on Saturday or Sundays because they are visiting their family and Thursdays are sleep-in days. Anyone who stays on the weekends hold parties, or at least, so I've heard. Somehow, I really don't want to find out.

I get inside and see a familiar figure, "Harry!" I see her call and the librarian shushed her as she waved me over.

Sitting by her at the table she laughs softly, whispering, "Gosh, Harry, I feel like you're stalking me. Either that or we're much more alike than I thought."

I laugh, rolling my eyes, "I assure you, I am not stalking."

She looks at me in mock skepticism and looks back into her book, seeming to ignore me. I hear my name yelled again and there's another shushing from the librarian. I look up at Hermione, who's sitting across from me, as her eyes widen in surprise.

She stands hastily, muttering an excuse, "Bye, Harry, see you at dinner. I'll be at the right side, close to the food pick-up."

I nod and she scampers away, avoiding Draco completely. Why do I feel like I'm falling into a pit of snakes just by talking to this guy? He walks over and sits beside me, I notice the other few people in the library are now staring at me.

God, what have I done?

He smiles, "So, what classes do you have, Potter?"

The way he says my last name sends more fear down my spine. Knowing his family makes me much more intimidated than I anticipated, but I feel it's not the only reason why. There's something he's hiding, I'm sure of it. I lean back in my chair, reciting them slowly as if aching to remember but deep down, I know them by heart. He watches me intently, listening.

After a while, I lean up and he says thoughtfully, "Well, I have all the same classes as you, on the same days except instead of Ecology I have Music."

A pause, "Although, I do play soccer in my house's co-ed team on Thursday, when we have practice and games once a month. You should try out for yours."

I shake my head, "I'm a klutz."

He shrugs, "Doesn't mean it isn't worth a shot."

I give him a disbelieving look and he adds, "Even if it's only a shot in the dark."

I sigh, "Fine, I'll try it."

He smiles, walking away, "See you on the field, Harry." 

* * *

 

 


	5. Late to Class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: The Windmill by Motionless
> 
> (This is my favorite song in the instrumental genre, by far.)

**_ ~Thursday- Day 3~ _ **

Once I get on the field the next day, of course I make a complete ass of myself. Hermione had come to see me but was too embarrassed to watch. I don't blame her a bit.

Afterwards, she laughed awkwardly, "I didn't even know it was possible to fall so many times without anything in your way."

I laugh humorlessly, "Yeah, welcome to my world."

The grey-haired coach with strange colored contacts gave a polite smile, "Maybe you should practice on running more. Your form was great, otherwise."

I nod, taking it as a pity compliment and a group of boys come over. Draco's at the head of the group, oh  **fuck**.

A short, husky boy on his left side laughs at me, spitting a bit on my face, "That was hilarious! You're horrible!"

Inwardly, I said a sarcastic, no kidding _._

A taller boy on Draco's left interrupted him, "That was beyond bad, I mean God!-"

Draco cuts him off, emotionless as he watches me, "You need a lot of work, Potter. I could help if you want."

I picked up my bag and Hermione grabbed my hand and I yelled over my shoulder "Piss off, rich boy!" as we walked away.

That night, I roam the halls until I find the astronomy tower, climbing up the stairs. Once I reach the top, I open the door to the flat roof and lay on the cool stone. I stare at the stars, trying to find constellations when I hear thumping music. I sit up and look around, a perfect view of all the dorms. I see a green window with flashing lights on the inside. A party? I focus my eyes in the dark and see the boys of the Snake dorm dancing with girls. I scoff in disgust, just because it's a day off doesn't mean you should party. On school grounds, especially.

I turn on my side and drift to sleep, not even realizing I'm sleeping on the roof of the Astronomy tower instead of the warmth of my own bed. My last coherent thought before falling completely asleep was, "I wonder if Castiel will whine because he's sleeping alone." The full moon hangs high in the sky, lightening my dreams to pleasant memories that are much overdue to happen.

...

**_ ~Friday- Day 4~ _ **

I wake up the next morning with a start, realizing I'm going to be late to my first day of classes. Rushing down the stairs, wearing a pair of jeans and a black tee shirt. Cursing the postal service for not sending my uniform on time. Running as fast as my feet can carry me (without tripping, that is, which happens anyway), I bump into a boy with fiery red hair.

"Watch it! Ms. Vector will kill me if I'm late again!"

I turn on new kid mode, chasing after him until I'm at his pace, "I'm new- and lost. I have her class so I'll just follow you."

He nods and we're both ten minutes late. Damn. The woman's face is calm but callous, her long brown hair pulled over her right shoulder.

"Mr. Weasley, late again, I see."

I make a quick decision, "I'm sorry, that's my fault. I pestered him into showing me around before school and we lost track of time. We ran all the way here, Professor."

Her eyes settle on me and a small smile turns up the corners of her mouth.

"Oh, Mr. Potter, well thank you for that excuse but it is unnecessary. I know he overslept, per usual."

She turns her eyes on the boy beside me, "Now, Ron, I'll let you off the hook this time but that is your final chance."

He nods stiffly and waves his hand towards me and I follow him down the isle.

Once I realize people are staring, due to the scene I made at the front of the class, I trip over a backpack and face-plant into the tile.

The boy who's backpack I tripped over helps me up, frantic, "I'm so sorry, I left it in your way and-!"

I stop him, saying softly, "It was my fault."

A few people laugh at me, whispering, "Looks like Neville has some competition for the dizziest kid in school."

His shoulders slouch and I smile a bit before sitting by Ron, who's across Neville. I slide into the seat beside Ron, towards the wall and the kid who I guess is Neville smiles.

"I'm Neville Longbottom, that's Ron Weasley."

I smile, "I'm Harry Potter."

Neville's face seems to change, before he tries to smile again, helping me on the math work since Ron's asleep.

What a slacker.

I looked over at Neville since we had finished early.

"Neville?" I ask and he looks over at me warily.

"Yes?" he says in a startled tone.

"You gave me this weird look when you saw me. Why?"

He seems to debate whether or not to tell me and he sighs, "Well-"

The trilling of the bell cuts him off, time for next class.

He stands, "We're in the same dorm so I'll explain another time."

He nods as a goodbye and I put away my things, watching him walk off. Something is strange about how he knows me and I don't think it's for a good reason, either.

I hear a small buzzing in my ears, a sound vaguely blending into a gurgling noise. I feel the hair on my arms rise and the room seems a bit colder.

Maybe he knows something that I don't?

I feel something small working it's way into my thoughts but I squash it quick as I can. I walk faster to catch up with Ron, who bolted as soon as the bell rang. I finally catch up and he smiles only slightly before starting a conversation. He decides to talk about his crush on some popular girl and I pretend to listen at the best of my ability.

He probably didn't notice a thing.


	6. Sold My Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Radiolaria by Rain Catalogue

Once I'm on my way to my Greek class with Ron, I realize I hadn't seen Draco. He said we had that class together, and yet, I didn't see him. I look over at Ron, about to ask why.

"Did you even hear a word I said, mate?" he asks and I realized I spaced out.

"Sorry, what, Ron?" I responded, and he sighed.

"I said, I heard rumors that you are Malfoy's new target." he says pointedly.

"I dunno, I mean he hasn't thrown me down a flight of stairs yet." I say half-jokingly but he shakes his head.

"He's not the type. He's more likely to send you on a first-class trip to Social Siberia just by word of mouth."

Neville is far ahead of us and turns a corner, once he does, Ron whispers in my ear "Just like he did to Neville." before walking off.

I get a sour taste in my mouth, Draco may be a rich kid but I doubt he would do something like that. Then, a voice in the back of my head scratches in my ears.

_How do you know? You don't even know him_.

I wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt but he gives me no reason to trust him.

_You don't have a reason to hate him either_.

I sigh inwardly, this is getting ridiculous.

_No, what **is**  ridiculous is the fact that you wouldn't know good advice if it hit you with a Louisville Slugger right in the noggin._

I sigh, thinking to myself, what is a Louisville Slugger anyway?

_It's a wooden baseball bat, stupid._

Why am I talking to myself, again?

I rush up behind Ron and take my seat next to him, "Harry!"

Hermione smiles, hugging me across her desk.

I laugh, "I'm guessing you sit behind me 'mione."

Ron pouts slightly, "I didn't know you liked to hang out with smartasses, Harry."

Hermione frowns from behind me, letting go of me as she sits back defensively.

"Actually, I'm just smart, you're the one who's an ass, Ronald."

I stand up and sit by Hermione, completely leaving Ron.

"What the hell, mate? You're abandoning me for her?"

I roll my eyes, "You won't be missed."

I hear walking beside me and a small "bravo" whispered in my ear. I look up and Draco is sitting down at the table to the right of me when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

A girl smiles a bit nervously, "Uhm, you're sitting in my seat."

I'm about to stand when 'mione stage whispers, "But now Ron has to sit alone, go on, take the chance."

She flushes a bit and nods, smiling as she sits beside him. He seems to cool down a bit and introduces himself.

I lean over to Hermione, "Crush?"

She giggles in my ear, "More like an obsession."

I feel a glare in my direction from my right and if I didn't know any better, I could swear I heard Draco huff in anger before he put his head down.

I ignore him for most of the class, quickly getting the hang of my assignment. I did a crash course before I arrived, luckily. I seemed to be doing relatively well until Hermione tapped my shoulder.

"Harry," she whispered "It's  _ekthétis_  not  _ékthesi,_  it would completely ruin the translation."

I read it over again, oh, she was right. I had put exposition instead of exponent on accident.

I hear Ron jeer in front of us, "It's  _ektheetiss_  not  _ekteethus_."

I frown, not only does he suck at pronunciation, I'm pretty sure those do not even exist in the Greek language.

Our teacher, Snape, hits him on the back of the head with his attendance notebook.

"Pay better attention, Mr. Weasley, your pronunciation is far beyond  _friktós_."

I hear one of Draco's friends mutter, "Uh, what does that mean, again?"

Draco rolls his eyes, "It means atrocious," then mutters under his breath, "Just like your breath, Goyle."

I try to suppress a laugh but end up laughing anyway.

Draco's eyes immediately flit to me with a scandalous grin and 'mione asks what I was laughing about. I turn away from him and repeat what happened in her ear at a low whisper and she looks like she wants to laugh but doesn't.

"What's so funny, Potter?" Goyle said petulantly.

I tilted my head as if confused, "Profanós , prókeitai gia tin anapnoí sas. Gnorízate óti boró na to myrízei apó edó?"

I see my teacher look at me from across the room with a sly smile and Draco bursts into fits of laughter, surprising everyone.

"To those who are lost as to what Mr. Potter just said, with quite impeccable pronunciation might I add, he said this: 'Apparently, it's your breath. Did you know I can smell it from here?' in response to Goyle's question as to what is 'so funny'."

Everyone began laughing, me especially. Hermione looked impressed with me, although I couldn't tell if it was my gall or my spot-on pronunciation.

Class soon ended and Snape waved me aside from the front of the room, "Potter, come over here. I'd like to speak with you." I did so and I felt Draco's eyes linger as he left the room. I guess he wanted to see if I was going to get in trouble.

"Mr. Potter, I am fully accepting the fact that what you said was funny but it was inappropriate of me to get involved, I hope you understand that." Snape said slowly, in calculation.

I nodded, "Yes sir, however, it was relevant to class since we were studying common responses."

He laughed a little, ruffling my hair, "Although that is not a common response given in a typical conversation, I do give you credit for being creative. Where did you learn so quickly?"

I debated whether or not to lie and say Rosetta Stone but I sighed and told him the truth, "I read a couple books, basically, gave myself a crash course."

He smiled dreamily, "You are so much like your mother."

The comment caught me off guard but then I remembered my mother went here when she was my age.

"You knew my mother?" I ask, and his face darkens just a bit.

"Since we were kids... we can discuss this later, get off to class before you're late. Just in case, here's a note."

He scribbled something on a post-it note and handed it to me.

"I hope we can talk more, Harry." he says offhandedly and I nod.

"Me too." before rushing out the door and towards my next class, where Draco leaned calmly against the door frame.

Edging closer, I decided to see what he wanted rather than to just shy away.

"Hey, Harry." he says with a small smile, "I was wondering if you wanted to have a one-on-one soccer match. You know, for fun."

I felt my shoulders stiffen, "I don't understand how that could be fun seeing as you know how bad I am at it."

He waves a hand, as if dismissing the idea entirely, "Nah, that was just because you were nervous. Come on, don't be chicken."

I sigh, this guy is seriously pulling a McFly on me... and I'm willingly falling for it.

"Deal. This Saturday while everyone's gone."

He holds out his hand with a grin, shaking my hand, "Deal."

I think I just sold my soul to the devil.


	7. The (Almost) Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Settle For Satin by Alkaline Trio

I let go of his hand and push past him into class, he follows close behind and the bell trills. I hand her my note but Draco sits over at his seat without question. I look around and find Neville sitting next to an empty seat, Hermione on the left side of said seat. I grin, sitting between them.

"Hey, guys." I say with a smile, putting my bag on the ground.

Together, they say with a smile, "Hey, Harry."

I laugh at them, "You guys know each other, I assume."

They lean forward, look at each other, lean back, and look at me with furrowed eyebrows, "No, not at all."

"Never met her."

Their words run on top of each other and I barely catch it. The teacher stares quizzically at the note before walking towards him and slamming the note on my desk.

Professor Lockhart leans down, staring me in the eye and speaks loudly, "Starting off the year with a forged note is not a good way to begin the year, Mr. Potter."

He was trying to get the class' attention and it was working, swimmingly, everyone's' eyes were on me. Even Draco who had a small amused smile on his face. Immediately, I feel myself start to sweat, I feel like I'm going to pass out, I won't lie. I'm not all that great with confrontation against someone who could kick me out of school.

"Professor, I didn't forge that note, it's even signed, sir."

He leaves his hand on the note, standing upright as a toothy grin forms on his mouth.

"Oh, really? So you and Professor Snape were just 'having a chat on the way out of class and he distracted you from your next class, so you have no right to be punished'?" I suddenly wished I had read the note first before giving it to Lockhart.

People started to whisper, but I shakily held my ground, "Yes, sir. He asked me where I learned Greek because I was proficient considering I had never taken a formal class... sir."

He cocks an eyebrow, suspicious, "He doesn't  _talk_  to students, he despises them."

I suddenly felt really offended. Severus, I mean Professor Snape, had been really nice to me, he knew my mom, he defended me. I stood quickly, looking at him eye to eye. He flinched slightly but glared at me.

I poked his chest, "You mean like YOU do? Seems to me like if it wasn't for your money you'd just be a baby in a designer suit. A petulant, little brat."

His nostrils flared and his fist shook like he was going to hit me.

Suddenly, I hear Draco's voice from his seat. He's lounging back, his legs crossed at the ankles on his desk.

He's a bit  **too**  relaxed, I think idly.

"Gidleroy, I would start class if I were you. I'd hate to have to tell my father that you didn't teach me the ways of business just because of some other kid's tardy note."

I saw genuine fear flash in his eyes before he stiffly walked to the front of the class.

Well, that explains his calmness, I suppose.

Wait, did he just  **defend**  me?

What the  **actual**  fuck?

I peeked at him from the corner of my eye, some people were staring dumbfoundedly at me, others at Draco, and others at the Professor. I sat down, trying to collect my thoughts, and Lockhart started class. About halfway through the lesson, I look over at Draco. He's watching me with a really concerned look.

His eyes dart around to make sure no one is watching before he mouths, "Are you alright, Harry?"

I pretend like I'm laying my head down, mouthing back, "Yeah..."

A small smile settled on his face, "Good."

After a while he looks forward. I continue to stare, confused, before mouthing his name.

"Draco?"

He looks over again, blinking and flicking his eyebrows up a bit to let me know he was listening... well,  _watching,_  in this case.

I mouthed reluctantly, "Thanks."

He smiled real big and put his head in his folded arm, pushing his hair back. If I didn't know anything about the guy, I'd say he looked a bit embarrassed. Then again, I don't know him so who am I to judge?

I frown.

Back to Earth, Potter.

I looked back at the front of the class as Lockhart looked for a certain page in his guide, thinking over what Lockhart said. I may not always watch the teacher, but I always listen. Unless I'm asleep, that's a different story. Confirming to myself that I was caught up, I wrote down some notes.

I feel Hermione poke me, "A note, not sure who it's from. I think it's from Lavender, in front of Draco."

I nod, taking the folded paper and opening it quietly in my lap.

It said From Lavender on the inside before saying: "Thank you for letting me sit by Ron, I really like him. Even if it was because you don't like him, thanks. :) "

I looked at her and mouthed "No problem" to which she smiled meekly and went back to work.

I noticed Draco mouthing to me, "Turn it over, Potter."

I was confused but did as he said.

Written in a neat, elegant cursive it said: "No one will know about our one-on-one game. I'll even take us off campus to play, if you want. Less likely to embarrass you, right? Anyway, if you fold the paper back up and stick it in your pocket I'll take that as a sign the game is still on. Are you in, Potter? Or are you out?"

He was no longer looking at me so I folded the page and hurriedly stuck it in my pocket. There's a game after classes today, I think, maybe I'll go watch Draco play.

See what I'm up against... Yeah, just for research.

That's obviously the only reason, I assure myself, sparing a glance in his direction.


	8. Friend or Foe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: The End of the Beginning by Black Sabbath

I walk in the classroom and an older woman with a 'Victorian-era' librarian look about her sits calmly behind her desk, watching everyone. She motions to me when no one is really paying attention, too busy settling into their desks before class. Walking up to her she doesn't smile, even though I can feel that she is the type of person who likes to smile, she's too professional for that.

She lets out a half smile, "Oh, Mr. Potter I've heard you've already had a little skirmish with Professor Lockhart?"

I kind of smile a bit too, "Yeah, you heard about that?"

Her smile is contagious, I wish Aunt Petunia was like her.

"Oh, everyone has, dear. I know this is inappropriate but well done. Thank you. He's been such a pompous prick since he was hired and you've made him speechless!"

I immediately choked a laugh when she said 'prick'.

"Well I was just saying that it was unfair for him to insult myself and a teacher just for embarrassment."

"Yes, he's always had that problem, I'm afraid... anyhow, get to your seat. I expect great things from you, Mr. Potter."

I nod, heading to my seat. Sitting down, I watch out the window, Neville in front of me and Hermione nowhere to be found.

I lean forward and ask and he just mutters, "I think she takes Art History for this period."

I wonder to myself about Neville, it seems we have a lot in common, I want to talk to him about why he was so surprised when he heard my name. When Professor McGonagall isn't looking I ask him if he wants to hang out tonight and he shakes his head a bit.

"Harry, we share a room, ya didn't remember that?"

I shake my head, "Not much of a meet-'n'-greet kinda person."

He nods in understanding before sighing, "Hermione will be at the library after the game, we can go there if you want to do homework together, I can join in I guess."

I agree and then zone out for the rest of the period, only half-listening to what the teacher was saying.

I keep hearing a voice scratching in the back of my head,  _Who are you fooling? Who would accept you, Harry Potter?_

...

Once classes are over, I head to the field with Hermione and Neville, who are both excited to have a small break from constantly studying after school. We go to the top on the Gryffindor/ Hufflepuff bleachers. I watch the game, impressed with the overall rigor of the competition. Admittedly, the Slytherin portion plays pretty dirty, when it comes to sportsmanship they have none. When the game is over, the S/R team beating the G/H team 6-0, I walk down the bleachers with my friends, about to head with them to the library to finish our neglected homework assignments.

I hear my name, already knowing who's calling out to me.

I hear Neville whisper to me before running off with 'mione, "Be careful around him, he isn't respected by choice, Harry."

I nod and watch Draco walk up to me, "So, what'd you think?"

I take a look at his teammates giving evil grins and high-fiving each other.

"I think you're pretty good, your team on the other hand, does nothing but cheat."

He scoffs, "Prove it."

It was at this point I showed off my special talent, the only reason I have such exceptional grades. I listed every play, every move by every player, start to finish, making a point to emphasize all the bad calls and cheating his team did. He stood there, watching me with a dumbfounded expression, when I finished he laughed.

"Wow, and to think my teammates say you're an idiot."

I frown, "I'll pretend like that wasn't an insult."

Another laugh, "Good, because it wasn't one. Now, you're still coming with me off-campus tomorrow, aren't you?"

I realize it's kinda hard to stay mad at him.

"Yeah, because I saw your moves today, I may get better against you."

He clapped his hand on my neck, grinning wide, "See to it that you're not late."

"Meet me tomorrow at the willow, bring soccer clothes separate and bring your phone, iPod, you know, whatever. Be there by exactly 6am or I am leaving without you."

I smile fakely, "Oh, what an honor, THE son of Malfoy is taking ME to play soccer. OH, HAPPY DAY!"

He slaps his hand over my mouth, "Shut up, will you? I thought you agreed to a one-on-one game. You blurt and everyone will be there so shut it."

I almost yell out, 'Would you like that dress in pink, young master Draco?!' as he walks off but I stop myself. I'd rather not people know we're friends... rivals... whatever the hell we are. It's really weird to feel like this, I want to get to know him but I know it's most definitely a bad idea. Why else would the voice be back?

_Good timing, perhaps?_

I hear and I roll my eyes, this sassy motherfucker is getting on my last goddamned nerve.

_Language, such foul language. Though, I do like being called sassy, thank you._

I almost want to punch myself in the head but I know for a fact it doesn't work, I've tried it at least a dozen times today.

_God, this sucks. For you, that is._

I run briskly towards the direction I saw my friends go in, maybe Neville and Hermione waited behind for me? I notice how far ahead they are and sigh, and maybe not _,_ and take a shortcut. Aha! There they are! I run just a bit faster and then I'm right behind them. Thanks to whatever higher power allowed me to run further than five paces without falling. Once I catch up to 'mione and Neville they're talking about something but immediately stop once I'm beside them. Strange.


	9. Dinner is Served

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Tomorrow Never Knows by The Beatles

I ignore the strangeness and watch Hermione take out her headphones and listen to music. Taking the cue to leave her alone, Neville turns to me.

"Hey, Harry, we should hang out like you suggested, just not tonight."

A knowing smile turns up the corners of my mouth, "Oh, alright. Tomorrow, then?"

He nodded, smiling a bit, his eyes flicking across my face. I gave 'mione a one-armed hug before going ahead and going back to the common room.

Once inside, I looked through the various bookshelves and noticed a copy of  _Of Mice and Men_ and smiled, taking the book to the window seat beside the bookshelf. I leaned by back against a red velvet pillow against the wall and opened the book. A while later, I vaguely registered other people enter the common room. They, however, didn't notice me- I'd pulled the curtain closed, leaving me hidden from everyone else. I ignored the jeering and laughter about nothing in particular, focusing on the tragic story of just getting by.

Half way through the book, I heard everyone come out of the rooms to go to dinner. Once the noise died down and it'd gotten dark, I heard a single pair of footsteps walk, then stop, then come towards me. The curtain was lifted lightly, a small smile gracing the boy's face.

"Hello, Harry, nice to finally meet you."

I close the book and look to my right. A tall boy with short hair and dark eyes smiles at me calmly.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" I ask, a bit embarrassed.

He chuckles, "Oh, sorry, I'm Oliver. Oliver Wood. I'm captain of the soccer team for the G/H house. I saw you at the game, and I saw you that one day at try-outs."

I felt my face turn red instantly, "Oh, lord. You saw that?"

He laughs, shaking his head, "It wasn't  **that**  bad. Although, I have seen a cat on TV play soccer in the same manner."

I laugh, "Wow, thanks. I  **love** being compared to cats."

We laugh a bit and he shrugs, "You get back to reading. I'll bring us back some food and we'll eat together. You can tell me about that book."

I nod, "Thanks, Oliver."

He smiles, nodding once before closing the curtain and leaving again. By the time he comes back, I'm almost done with the book, a few pages away from the end. He opens the curtain and smiles, holding out two doggy-bags that smell strongly of meat and salt.

"Dinner is served, my friend."

I get down from the perch, noting my place and sitting on the couch beside him. He opens the bag to reveal two Philly Cheese Steaks, fries, and two water bottles. I almost want to hug the guy, I haven't had this kind of fine dining in years.

"Whoa, thanks!" I say gratefully, starting to eat.

I finish a bit after him and he finishes off his water slowly, waiting for me to finish.

When I do, he inquires about the book, "Do you like it?"

I nod, "Yeah, I've been wanting to read it."

He nods, looking at the book, "It's a pretty deep book, even though it may not seem like it."

I nod my head slowly when people start filing in, he stands with a smile.

"I'm going to bed, I'll see you around, Harry."

I go up to bed after finishing the last few pages, worrying to myself about tomorrow.

...

**_ ~Saturday- Day 5~ _ **

I scowl at the analog clock at my bedside, it's early,  _much too early_  to get up. After an hour of staring at the ceiling, I get out of bed anyway and feed Cas before heading to the men's showers. Taking off my shirt, I get a clear look at a digital clock, no longer blurred by tired eyes. 3 am, I sigh inwardly, grumbling angrily and continue stripping off my clothes.

The shower is hot, almost scalding, as I wash my hair and face. The hot water steals my breath, and I lean my palms against the wall, forehead pressed against the cool tile. I check the clock again before finishing washing up and rinsing off. I hitches a towel around my waist and remember what Draco told me. We would be alone, yeah, he didn't seem too bad with his friends around. Either way, I don't wanna hang out with a jerk like him anyway.

_Wow, just keep telling yourself that, okay, sport?_

Again, with the creepy voice? I say to myself and I can practically feel the voice sigh, how weird is that?

My subconscious is one sarcastic little-

_Don't even **think**  of finishing that sentence, twerp. By the way, get over it, it's the only voice I have._

I exhale in exasperation and finish putting on clean clothes before heading towards the courtyard. I check my clock, 3:30, I still have a long time to spare.

God, I hope he doesn't think I'm desperate for friends.

_You mean besides the fact you actually **are**?_

Fuck you.

_Maybe in your most twisted dreams, kid. Plus, seeing as how I'm in your head, that may be more than a little confusing._

Unlike you, I have standards.

_Yup, you like your pricks nice and filthy-fucking-rich._

Whatever, jackass, I'm ignoring you now.

_Whatever you-_

I look up from the ground and there he is, leaning against the trunk of the tree, watching the moon. As soon as I walk beside him I realize he's asleep, listening to his iPod. I smile a bit, trying not to laugh, and sit beside him, searching for constellations. I check my clock, 4:30, and I look over at him and watch him breathe. After about two minutes I realize how creepy I am being and look back at the sky.

I hear him stir and I look over as he rubs his eyes sleepily then flare open when he sees me.

"Whoa! How long have you-!"

I slap my palm over his mouth and take out one of his earbuds, "God, are you  _trying_  to wake the entire school?!"

He blinks, "Oh, I talk loud when I have my earbuds in."

I sigh, "I noticed."

He looks at the moon, "Wanna head out now?"

I shrug, "As long as you can go while it's still dark."

"It'll take a while to get there, so why not? What time is it now?"

I look at my watch, "About 4:50."

He laughs, leading me towards the student parking lot.

"Uh, where are we going? We're headed towards the parking lot."

He nods, "Yup."

"Why are we going there?"

He looks over at me, walking beside him, "Yeah, I have to get my bike if we plan on going anywhere."

He looks around calmly.

"Your... bike." I say flatly, "We're going, wherever the hell we're going, on a bicycle?"

He laughs, pulling a key from his pocket, "No, stupid, my  _motorbike_."

We walk up to a Vyrus motorbike and I almost swoon, even in the dark it's a beautiful motorcycle. Black with bright green spider webs and a bio-hazard symbol in the middle on both sides of the tank.

"I love your bike." I say softly and he laughs, handing me one of two matching helmets.

One with black on green, and he gets green on black.

He swings his leg over and mounts the bike and I awkwardly follow suit.

"I have to warn you, I've never been on a motorcycle before."

He gets an impish grin on his face, "Ooh, I'll be your first then. Fair warning, don't let go."

I put on the black helmet and I hear his voice in my ear, "These have microphones in them so just talk, no yelling, they're good at noise cancellation."

I nod, then realize he can't see me facing forward, "Okay."

He leans forward and I half-heartedly hold onto his sides, "Hang on!"

He says it with an audible grin and plows forward, almost throwing me off. I quickly wrap my arms completely around his stomach and hold on for dear life.

"Having fun yet?" he chuckles.

"I'll let you know." I promise, laying my cheek on his back, watching the scenery beside us.

"You'll like where we're going."

"Will I?" I ask, listening to his voice since it's the only thing I can hear other than his breathing.

"I hope." I hear in the faintest of whispers.

I ignore it, and he makes pleasant small talk and I respond occasionally, too fascinated with the woods we're passing through.


	10. Hard to Explain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse

When we get on the main road, he suddenly stops talking, as if something caught his attention. Still holding on, I peer over his shoulder and see the shore.

"Woah..." I say breathlessly.

"Great view, isn't it?" he says softly, slowing down so we can get a better look. 

The sun is just beginning to rise, tinting the glass-like water a light shade of lavender and the sky itself is the shade of pink pearls. The beauty of the sight completely knocks the wind out of me. I have never seen something so wonderful in my entire life. He looks at me from the corner of his eye and his eyes look soft, kind, and content. I turn my face back into the side, away from him and he speeds up again, taking a few backroads.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

He laughs, "It seems that you don't know the meaning of the word surprise."

I roll my eyes, snapping, "You never said the place was a surprise, Malfoy."

"Or the meaning of patience, apparently. Hold on, we'll be there in a couple minutes."

I grumble an okay and am suddenly aware of where we're heading. A small smile crosses my face as it dawns on me. We're going towards the shore.

We finally get there after at least 10 minutes of only-downhill roads, which, honestly, scared the crap out of me. He gets off, and I do too, setting our helmets on the bike and heading over into a small field with a large oak tree in the corner, looking rotted and void of leaves.

"What's up with the tree?"

He shrugs, "Not too sure. I assume that it died a long time ago so no more leaves can grow. It's still really sturdy, though." 

He reaches in a gap in the roots and pulls out a soccer ball which reminds me this is probably why we didn't bring one with us. That would've been an issue if we didn't have one. What else would we have done in a abandoned field in the middle of nowhere? He tosses the ball on the ground and kicks it back and forth between his feet before sending a disapproving look at me.

"I must not have noticed because it was dark but how do you plan on playing soccer in that?"

I look at my jeans and long-sleeved shirt and shrug, I guess I didn't really think about it when getting ready. He heads to the bike, gets some clothes from under the seat and tosses them at me.

"You better hope they're around the right size, dude."

I nod and take off my shirt off and as if sensing my discomfort, Draco heads over to the ball and practices juggling it. I put my clothes under the seat, pulling on the plain white shirt and red basketball shorts. I tie the shorts until it fits on my hips and move over towards him. I watch him closely as I walk over, studying his movements. Will I actually be able to beat him? Sure, I studied all his moves but can I actually re-create them?

He stops, putting his foot on the ball, holding it in it's place on the grass. He was wearing pretty much the same thing as me except his shirt was a green V-neck and his shorts were black. This boy has an unhealthy obsession with those colors, I joke to myself. We step a foot apart from each other, the ball between us. Then, the game starts. We never designated goals. We didn't keep count. It was just like a constant game of keep-away. It's one of the most fun things I've ever done.

At one point, I accidentally trip over the ball. With Draco being in front of me, I fall face-first onto his back and make him faceplant into the grass. We laugh and I help him up. We're both dripping in sweat and probably reek but he throws an arm around me and laughs like we're best pals. We hadn't talked the entire game, but I didn't care. I felt closer to him, somehow. He smiles, looking over at the sun which is already starting to set.

"Damn, we were out here a long time."

I shrug as we get on the bike, "It didn't seem like it."

We drive off and he heads over to a nearby fast food joint and gets us a couple cheeseburgers and fries. He ordered a Coke while I got a Sprite, he said he needed some caffeine or he would have gotten the same. I let out a laugh which, embarrassingly, sounded more like a giggle.

"Surprise, surprise."

He looks at me with a scrunched, child-like face, "What's that supposed to mean?"

I shake my head dismissively, "Nothing, I just find your obsession with green and black things funny."

He rolls his eyes, "Sprite is clear, genius, it just comes in a green bottle."

I laugh harder, "Still!"

His face softens and he smiles, laughing too.

"Come on, we should head back. We need to make it back before they close the grounds gate."

We finish and get back to the campus parking lot.

"That was really fun, Harry, we should do that again sometime."

I tried not to smile, but failed, "Yeah, we should."

He gave me a look-over then shrugged, "You can keep the clothes, by the way."

He handed me my clothes from under the seat and I quickly but quietly made my way to the Lion quarters. I walked in to find Neville sitting in a chair, waiting up for me.

"God, Harry. Do you know how late it is? It's past curfew! Where were you?"

I looked at my feet, ashamed and he sighs.

"Just don't let it happen again. I can only cover for you so many times before people get suspicious. Anyway, we need to talk. From what I can tell, there's something you don't know and I think you are entitled to know what is going on."

He leads me over to the window seat and we each pick a side.

He sighs, looking out the window, "This may take a while to explain. It's hard to explain."

I feel my gut wrench, as if deep down I know what is going on.

_Give you three guesses, Harry. What could this Nerd know that you don't? Come on, Harry, be a sport... Figure it out._

"Start from the beginning," I say hoarsely and he nods.

"Well, it involves both Hermione and I, as well as you."

Suddenly, I felt as if something had switched on in my brain. I knew what he was about to say.

"It's about your parents."


	11. Here's the Truth (Part 1 of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: あんなに一緒だったのに/Anna ni Issho Datta no ni (Piano Version) by See-Saw
> 
> (It's also called "We Were So Close Together".)

I thought I was going to vomit but I swallowed down the feeling. He waited, gauging my reaction.

"Go on." I said weakly and he nodded.

After what seemed like hours, he was still silent, trying to figure out what to say.

"My parents died in a car crash." I supplied, feeling a deep emptiness in my gut.

His eyes immediately flared up to me, "Who told you that?"

I sputtered, almost nervous by the look he gave me, "My aunt and uncle who took care of- uh.."

I paused, realizing the words didn't exactly fit.

"My mother's sister and brother-in-law, I lived with them up until now."

He sighed heavily before shaking his head, "That's not right Harry. They didn't just  _die_ , they were..."

He licks his lips, swallowing, "They were murdered."

I felt my heart jump into my throat, "No, that's not-!"

He covered my mouth, scolding me with his eyes at the volume of my voice.

"They did. I know for a fact. My mom was a cop on the case, my dad was the head detective."

Suddenly my eyes feel much too dry for my skull, like I'm getting a scratching in my head but I desperately ignore it.

"They were killed by the Capricorn Killer, or as he preferred to call himself, Lord Voldemort."

A slight sense of dull humor comes over me, "The Capricorn Killer, really? That's the best they could come up with? Even Lord Voldemort sounds better."

He rolls his eyes slightly, "There's a reason why they didn't call him 'The Lord Who Stole from Death'- which is what Lord Voldemort basically translates to, by the way- but that comes later, when you get involved so please wait patiently."

I skid my bottom teeth across my top lip, "Go."

He goes back to where he was, "The C.K. was big in the early 90's, he killed people that fit a certain profile.. I never really found out much more than he went to school here with all the victims. He was a scholarship student, but he was pretty popular, according to people who remembered him. There are four definite victims, no others have been positively identified since the case has long since been closed."

I start popping my fingers subconsciously, something I tend to do when I'm anxious.

"So, tell me. How did you know this? You said you and Hermione were involved, yet, other than your parent's connection to the case, I don't see how-"

He interrupts me, his hand out as if he wants to explain something but covers his mouth with it instead.

"Harry, my parents were two of the four confirmed victims, including your parents."

I want to say sorry but he talks over me, preempting my words.

"They got in too deep, he got angry, and I managed to get a hold of some of the files before they were burned in the fire. Hermione's parents worked at the morgue before they changed careers into dentistry. They were effectively scared out of staying anywhere near the case. Her parents were the ones that investigated our parent's bodies before yours were buried and mine were, well... anyway, there's a reason why there's a scar on your head, Harry."

Suddenly, my hand reaches up and traces the odd shape, "It's a lightning bolt, a birthmark, what does that have to do with-"

His voice gets raspy, angry, "It has  _everything_ to do with it, Harry! He carved that into your frigging  _head_ but never got to finish!"

I start imagining the blood trickling down my forehead and the hair raises on my arms.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I didn't mean to be-"

I look him directly in the eye, "Tell me everything. No matter how bad... like you said, I need to know."

I rub my arms, lazily trying to get the gooseflesh to subside but it won't seem to go away, so I drop eye contact again to look out the window.

He joins, looking at a different spot, "I don't know how much I should tell you considering how bad everything was."

"For God's sake, Neville, this is my parents we're talking about! I've been lied to my entire life and I have to know the truth if I ever truly want to be able to move on."

Recognition is in his eyes as he leans his temple on the glass, watching me.

"The C.K.'s real name was Tom Marvolo Riddle, he was the leader of a cult of sorts. They were all criminals, called themselves Death Eaters, but he was the only one to commit murder, as far as the police knew. The main ones, that I saw in the files were Peter Pettigrew, Bellatrix Lestrange, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black. Lupin, Black, and Pettigrew were all friends of your parents who were behind the conspiracy to murder your parents. Black is also your godfather, as twisted as that is."

The scratching was now painful, like a migraine but only in the back of the head. As if there was a steady clawing at the brain-matter that kept the body going. I heard a high-pitched whining that resembled "eco-friendly" overhead lights.

I heard whispers.

Names.

Ignore it, I told myself, looking back at Neville.

"Do you hear that?"

His somber train of thought seemed to slow, "Hear what?"

I look around, "That. Don't tell me you can't hear it."

He stares at me, seriously, "There's no sound but us and snoring from upstairs, Harry."

I nod, trying to reassure myself. "Sorry, what were you saying?"


	12. Here's the Truth (Part 2 of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Tomorrow by SR-71

His eyes darted around, catching his train of thought before he spoke again.

"Black is your godfather. He and your father were very close, according to the files; he was sent to Azkaban Prison for the Criminally Insane years ago for illegal drug possession and production- meth, apparently; he was also charged for accessory to murder- he got about 30 years, starting a year after your parents' deaths."

"Lupin was put in a lower-security jail for accessory... and voluntary manslaughter at some bar fight in Trenton, New Jersey- his arrest was a bit after Black's. Pettigrew was placed in prison on accessory, that's it but last I heard he may have got back in jail recently from assault on a pregnant woman which led to pregnancy termination and rape of the same woman, there was no real evidence to tie him to the crime against your parents other than circumstances. He was the first of the three to be arrested."

I run a hand through my hair, "You're babbling." I say it softly, offhandedly.

"Sorry." he bites his thumbnail before looking back at me.

"Anyway, there's definitely a lot more people in that group than we know of but they're very well hidden. If not for the fact Pettigrew was a snitch, the cops would've never known about it."

I nod for what feels like the trillionth time, I feel numb. I feel as if my heart is being burned from my chest.

"You mentioned my scar... what do you mean he didn't finish it?"

I can tell he's biting his tongue, biding his time until I force it out of him. He's told me too much already, so I wait.

"He was given the name because when he did it, he carved the Capricorn symbol into your parents' chests."

"So you're saying he cut them after they were dead? Why would he... wait. They weren't dead, were they?"

He shakes his head, "I'm afraid not, Harry."

Suddenly, I feel a question aching in my gut.

"How did they die? My parents?"

He bites the inside of his cheek, "They were mutilated, disemboweled, and throat cut from ear to ear; he was going to do the same to you but someone called the cops and he was shot by an officer before being apprehended. He died on his way to the hospital. They said he had slight schizophrenic tendencies and that may be some of the cause of what he did."

I know that right now, to Neville, I seemed to be taking this well. On the inside, however, I was barely able to keep from throwing up.

I  **hated** this man.

I knew I did, even if he was dead.

_Oh, come now Harry, that's impolite._

The voice is back, I think to myself. The goosebumps that I managed to hold off earlier came back full throttle.

"Neville, I'll be up to bed in a bit, I need to think this over."

He nods and scurries upstairs, like the wonderful, understanding friend he is. I run to the bathroom and puke into a toilet nearby, my gut wrenching.

_Come on, Harry, what's wrong now? Don't you miss me?_

No, I don't, actually. I can't believe you're actually surprised.

I feel him sigh in disinterest,  _Yeah, okay, I see how it is._

I make the long walk back towards the dorms when I bump into Severus in the hall.

"Hello, Mr. Potter, you should be in bed. It's past curfew, you must be well aware."

I agree absently, "I'm well aware, Professor, I just had to throw up is all."

Concern flashed in his eyes, "Oh, well, in that case. Come on, I believe I have something for that in my quarters."

I follow him quietly, knowing there would be no way I could face Neville right now.

Once we get there I notice the only real personal items in the small room is a small wooden medicine cabinet, a picture frame with what I guess to be him and my mom as children, and a small bookshelf lined with textbooks as well as novels.

"Here we are. Chew on it."

I take two and chew on them, ignoring the gross raspberry flavoring.

"Now, what made you feel so sick? Is it because you skipped dinner?"

I shake my head, "I was told something unpleasant, is all."

Understatement of the century. "Really? And what was that?"

"Well, how my parents were murdered, for starters."

He looks a bit off-balanced as he steadies himself with his palm on the bedpost.

"I'm guessing the Granger girl told you."

I sit on the edge of his bed, "No, why would she know anything about it? Neville told me."

He closes his eyes briefly, sighing, "Well, her mother and father were the ones who called the police and ambulance."

I hear whispers from the voice but ignore them again, "Why would they-"

He answers quickly, "They were neighbors at the time. You and Ms. Hermione Granger had never met, though."

"Why do you know so much?"

Immediately, I regret asking but my curiosity outweighed my etiquette.

"Well," he swallows hard, avoiding eye contact to stare at the black carpet.

"Your mother and I had fought while in school so I finally got the nerve to make a formal apology and the front door was open. Your mother being as careful woman as she was, she would never leave a door unlocked. I ran up to where I heard crying which is where I found you and your mother... and your father. I shoved him off of you and ran with you out of the house, he left a nasty scar on my leg. Anyway, the Grangers called authorities and I went with you to the hospital but left once your relatives arrived."

"The Dursleys..." I said dumbfoundedly.

"Yeah, I think that was their names. Quite an odd couple, they were. Very whiny."

I stand, rubbing my scar again.

"Thanks, Severus, for saving me back then."

He looks at me, concerned. "Are you alright? You look a bit pale."

I felt the world sway around me and suddenly I felt the floor. I heard Snape yell muffled curses before hefting me into his arms and walking briskly towards the hospital wing.

Then, I blacked out.


	13. Bedridden and Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Bedridden by Windsor Drive

**_ ~Sunday- Day 6~ _ **

I woke up slowly, barely able to open my eyes.

"Oh, god. Miss Pompfrey! I think he's coming to!" I heard Hermione gasp, to which I heard an "Ow, Hermione."

I manage to open my eyes into slits and see she'd been batting at his arm in excitement.

"Thank you, Ms. Granger." I heard a woman's voice say impatiently.

"What's wrong, 'mione, you okay?" I say through a groggy voice and she laughs shakily, looking very upset and worried.

"I'm fine. You're the one to be worried about."

I tried to raise myself up but my body felt much too heavy.

I opened my eyes completely, "Where am I?"

She is holding my hand, I realize, as she strokes her thumb across my hand.

"Professor Snape found you. He said he left his room to make a quick check that Slytherins weren't loitering in the halls and he found you passed out in the main hall."

Realizing the circumstances I was talking to him in yesterday, I lie.

"Sounds about right. I got sick in the bathroom and felt really woozy in the hall, I must've passed out then."

She looks at me skeptically, as if she knew I was lying. Damn that "woman's intuition". Once the nurse pours a medicine down my throat I feel much better, so I sit up and lean my back against the headboard. When Madam Pompfrey tends to another patient, Harmione turns hard eyes to me.

"Neville said he told you, said you wanted all the details, what in the bloody  _fuck_  were you  _thinking_ , Harry! Why would you want to know something like that!"

Being doped up is making me sensitive and her yelling is really upsetting, making me want to cry. She stops.

"Sorry... that was too far. I do know what it's like to be curious of things, I'm the epitome of curiosity."

Neville whispers "More like a busybody bookworm" under his breath.

Under normal circumstances, I would've laughed at that.

She rolls her eyes, "Anyway, I won't ask why you were with Professor Snape, it's none of my business. Regardless, Harry, you need to be careful. Word spreads fast around here. Only the three of us know about... C.K, and unless you want that gruesome label of "The boy who lived" over your head, I suggest you get your crap together."

Four people, I correct inwardly, four people know. Including Snape, that is.

_Make that five._

Shut up.

"I didn't say anything." Neville says defensively.

"Shit, did I say that out loud?"

Hermione frowns, "Yes, so who are you talking to?"

I immediately feel vulnerable, shaken, as she stares at me.

"I keep hearing a voice, I was responding to it..." I say reluctantly and Neville looks scared while 'Mione looks concerned.

"Voices are never a good sign, Harry."

I nod, "He doesn't sound like me, though, and I'm pretty sure it's not my subconscious."

_You're getting closer._

"Well, I hope so." I respond to him.

Neville stands, mutters an excuse about getting me lunch and runs off.

Hermione sighs, "Harry, do you have any former diagnosis of schizophrenia?"

I shake my head and she thinks before gripping tighter onto my hand.

"Maybe it's a coping mechanism."

A coping mechanism? "For what?"

She wraps her other hand around mine and holds it under her chin, "Watching your parents die. Maybe it's your dad."

I feel the scratching again, "No, it's definitely not him."

I feel her hands start to quiver, "So you think it's..."

I nod, "Yeah, I think it's Riddle."

She jumps at the name and suddenly I hear two pairs of footsteps.

"Harry, are you okay? God, I was so worried when I didn't see you at breakfast."

I look up and there's Oliver, walking briskly toward me. Hermione lets go of my hand, kisses my scar briefly, then scurries off with Neville after setting down my food.

I smile weakly, "I just got sick, passed out, is all."

He laughs, smiling, "That's all? Good gravy, Potter, I'd hate to know your definition of a bad day."

_Oh, maybe watching the brutal murder of your parents, then not know a thing about it until you're old enough to fully grow into your impending stupidity._

I take a shaky breath, "So, why are you in your soccer gear?"

He shrugs, "I'm most comfortable when I wear it."

I laugh, but it hurts my sour stomach, "Can't laugh."

He loses his smile and takes on a somber tone, "Sorry. When do you think you'll be out and about?"

I shrug lightly, "No clue."

He smiles again, "Well, make sure to come to the next soccer game. I'll make sure to win for you."

I smile, "Is that a confession of your love, Wood?"

He laughs boomingly, tears coming to his eyes, "Good heavens, Potter. Even when you're down, your humor is impeccable. No, you're not my type, but you can say hey to my girlfriend when you go."

I close my eyes, slipping back down onto my back, "I should sleep."

He nods, patting my foot, "Be sure to eat, Potter. Get better soon."

I nod, watching him leave and see Snape sit by my bed.

"Harry, you really startled me. I tried to call your guardians but..."

_Thirty points. What is "they disowned you"? Final answer._

"They disowned me."

He looked sympathetic, "Sorry, Harry."

_Cor-rect! Tom Riddle is today's winner of "Harry's Crap-tastic Life". Congratulations!_

I shrug, "Not like I would want to go back, anyway."

He smiles, just barely, "If you want, I could take you to see your parents. They were buried relatively nearby."

I know the offer is for comfort, and it does help, even if only a little. He pats my head then walks off. I take a deep breath and I feel a few tears. I shift to laying on my stomach and cry silently until I fall asleep.

I'm falling apart.


	14. Only in Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Brighter Days by Leeland

I wake up with a salty taste in my mouth from the tears. I let out a shaky breath and slip out of bed, heading towards the dorms, knowing for a fact that my bed is much more comfortable than the starched bedding. Slowly, I edge out towards the door and walk straight into Draco.

I let out a sharp hiss of pain and he whispers, startled, "Oh, Harry, you scared me."

I look up at him and I see his hand brush across my forehead.

I let out another hiss, "Wow, Harry, your head is bruised pretty badly."

I frown, taking his hand from my face, "I know that. Now."

He bites his lip, "Oh, sorry. What happened? I didn't see you around."

I start to correct him until I do the math, I passed out early Sunday, woke up around dinner, now it's early Monday.

Wait, why is he here on a school night?

"Why are you up so late?" I ask him, walking after him as he heads towards the dorm wing.

He shoves his hands in his pockets, frowning to himself, "No reason."

Suddenly, I laugh, "Were you worried?"

He shakes his head, "No. Definitely not."

I smile, "Thanks." He lets out a small, shy smile, "I'm glad you're okay."

Man, that's a nice smile.

It's so different.

I like it.

"You have a nice smile."

Oh, Christ, did I say that out LOUD?

"No homo." I blurt, inwardly face-palming, that phrase is the one thing that makes EVERYTHING sound gay.

He laughs, his smile growing.

Honestly, I really want to kiss him.

I don't care if that makes me gay.

I just want to be close to him.

"Thanks, Potter... I like yours too."

We share a small smile before saying our goodbyes and parting to our separate hallways. When I get to the dorm, I slink into the room and go to feed Castiel to find his food and water are full and the containers are cleaned. I notice Cas' food bag by Neville's nightstand. I make a mental note to thank him in the morning and slip into bed in the clothes from Saturday, not caring that I still have to change once the sun is up.

As I drift off to sleep, I wonder why Draco came to visit me, I wonder why the voices seem to stop when he's around, I wonder why I suddenly wanted to kiss him, and I wonder why- of all the people to feel attracted to- it had to be the one guy I can never have. When I close my eyes, I feel my face heat up as I imagine kissing him. Eventually, I manage to fall asleep.

...

**_ ~Monday- Day 7~ _ **

I wake up, much too early, to Neville shaking me awake.

"Come on, we'll be late for class!"

I realize that Draco smiling, leaning in to kiss me, was all a dream. I shoot out of bed, changing quickly, and running with Neville to class. We make it just in time and slip into our seats, Ron still at our group.

He gives me a dirty look, "Still gonna sit with me, even though I'm such an ass, Harry?"

I roll my eyes, "Go back to sleep, it's not like you pay attention anyway."

He puffs then lays his head down without comment.

Neville looks over at me worrily, waiting until Ron snores to talk.

"What happened?"

I lean back in my chair, "He was a jerk to 'Mione. She didn't deserve it."

He shook his head in dismay, "Harry, you're brave, but don't be stupid. Picking fights with the wrong person easily leads to being a bullying target."

I cross my arms, avoiding eye contact, "Is that what happened to you?"

He pauses as the teacher passes out papers, then speaks in a whisper when everyone starts on their work.

"Yes, actually, that is what happened. A friend of mine, Luna, was being picked on by Draco's brute friends and I confronted them. They called me a pussy and did a whole bunch of horrible things to me. Once they got their fill, they stopped, but I'm still on the social black list."

I wanted to apologize, but knew he didn't want me to be sorry for him.

"I understand. I'll pick my fights more wisely."

He smiles a bit, "You, me, and Hermione need to stick together. I think of you two as family, and family stands together."

I laugh a little, starting on the work, "Romance novel, much?"

He rolls his eyes, laughing, "Whatever. Anyway, you should meet Luna when she gets back from her trip. You guys would get along pretty well."

I work with him through the problems, taking a look at the clock every few minutes. If only time moved quickly in class.

Once class was over, we get up and scurry off to our next class. Snape greets me from where he's standing, outside the doorframe, and I say hello back. Neville goes off into a corner, sitting by himself, and I sit by 'Mione.

"Is that Luna's seat?" I ask curiously, gesturing towards where Neville's sitting.

"Yeah, he told you about her?"

I nod, and she smiles to herself, "He fancies her."

I furrow my eyebrows, "He what?"

She rolls her eyes, smiling at me, "He likes her, stupid."

I laugh, "Liking people makes you do stupid things, doesn't it?"

She shakes her head, "You have no idea."

Out of the corner of my eye, I glance towards Draco's empty seat as class starts.

Where is he?

His friends are gone too.

I sigh as Severus hands me my makeup work, which I was able to finish before the end of class.

Hermione places her hand on my shoulder, "Are you okay, Harry?"

I nod shakily, "I'll be fine."

I'll be alright.

Nothing is wrong.

Nothing is the matter with me.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not.

_Liar._


	15. Released from Prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Prison by Joesph Arthur

I felt the urge to throw up, and I felt myself gag. I bolted from my chair, ignoring the stares and running out into the parking lot, past the cars, until I found what I hoped was still there. I fell to my knees behind the bushes, accidentally pulling the rim of the metal garbage can with me. I puked violently into the can, tears squeezing out from the corner of my eyes. The back of my head pounded, my stomach muscles felt like they were being sawed in half, and I felt like I was breathing fire from my throat. The bile stung and once I puked, what felt like, what I'd eaten for the past month, I collapsed and let the can upright itself.

"Harry, are you alright?" The softness in that voice made me almost want to smile.

Draco.

"What're you doing here?"

I felt something ice cold against my temple and I looked up to see his stony expression and a water bottle pressed against my face. The emotionless expression didn't reach his eyes, they were filled with concern and they kept checking me over, making sure I was okay. I was grateful for that. I tried to stand up but my legs were shaky, causing me to fall back to my knees. He sighed, kneeling next to me and brushed my mussed hair out of my eyes before pressing his palm to my forehead, then his cheek.

"God, Harry, you're on fire." He muttered, handing me the bottle.

"A simple, 'you're hot for a dude' would suffice."

"Even when you feel like crap, you still manage to be a smartass."

He smiled for a second before shaking his head and pulling me a little away from the wretched smell and toward the bushes that shielded us from view from the parking lot. I felt his hand linger a bit before feeling I was strong enough to sit up by myself. I finally made the effort to remember I should probably start drinking the water he gave me. Dehydration and sick doesn't mix well. I spared him a look from the corner of my eye before twisting at the cap on the bottle.

After several attempts with shaky hands, that were now sore due to unnecessary friction, Draco brushed his fingertips over my hand and took the bottle from me gently. He twisted it open easily and handed it to me, not saying a word. I wanted to thank him for being here when I needed someone. I was glad it was him, and not anyone else. I spared a quivering smile at him before taking a drink from the bottle. I swallowed a few extra times, trying to wet my throat.

"Thank you, Draco." It sounded raspy, guttural, but I was glad I could speak at all.

I'd never puked this hard before and I was pretty sure any more and I could've temporarily damaged my throat from the stomach acid.

"Harry, you probably should let your throat rest a bit."

"I'm fine."

I was totally not fine.

"Anyway, you never answered me. What are you doing out here?"

"Looking for you." His eyes shifted to his feet, refusing to look me in the eyes.

"And why would you do something as stupid as that? Tell me the truth."

"Excuse me?" He looked back at me.

Surprise. Confusion. And something else I can't place.

"You were skipping earlier, right? Why would you suddenly come looking for me?"

He swallows, takes a breath, then pulls a pack of gum from his pocket and chews one.

He offers me one and I take it thoughtlessly, as he stalls.

"I was headed to the next class- I overslept, I don't skip- anyway, I overheard some kids saying you bolted before the end of class and one of them said you looked a little green."

"I'm pretty sure it's inhumanly possible to turn green." I say listlessly, pressing the bottle to my eyelids.

"Harry, you're sick, sarcasm is not okay right now."

"I think the word you're looking for is ironic." I look over at him and he frowns.

"Something's off... you've changed, somehow."

I felt the scratching in the back of my skull, I started shaking uncontrollably, laughing like an idiot. I'm nervous, jittery, I've always been anxious but this is insane.

It's never been this bad.

Ever.

I laugh louder, falling over and curling into a ball. It almost sounded like nails on a chalkboard instead of laughter. Plastic scraping against wood. My eyes are watering again, my sour stomach feels like its being pulled from my gut.

"Harry! Harry! What's wrong- look at me!"

He sounded really worried now, he put his hand on my face, then his other hand on my neck. His hands were really cool, it felt so pleasant. I leaned into the touch and he leaned me into a sitting position.

"Harry, we should head to class... I'll help you get cleaned up."

The laughing stopped, and the shaking, but the scratching didn't stop.

Skritch.

Skritch.

Skritch.

Scratch.

It seemed to almost echo within my brain. He helped me to my feet and wrapped an arm around my waist, leading me towards the Lion Dorm and to the Crimson (Men's) Bathroom. I found my toothbrush and toothpaste from my drawer and brushed my teeth. His face was in his hands as I watched him over my shoulder in the mirror.

I can't tell him.

There's no way he can know.

Not about me.

Or Riddle.

Any of it.

He can never know.

...

Once I finished, he insisted that he walk with me to my next class in case I collapsed again. I didn't say no. The worried looks he gave me was enough persuasion. We got to Professor Sybill's class about ten minutes late but she didn't blink an eye at it. She just smiled a little.

"Draco, Harry, no more seats left in the room. You two can sit together in the back if that's okay. Here's the assignment, be done before you leave. It's fine to leave it on the table." then she scurried off to her desk.

He shrugged a little before sitting next to me in the back, no one seemed to notice us come in.

"Ugh, it's a translation assignment. I suck at Latin."

"I can help, if you want."

He nodded and I worked him through it, lucky for me, though, he was a fast learner. When we stood to leave for transition, putting our finished assignments in a pile, he walked me out the door.

"Can you tutor me in Latin?"

"T-tutor you?"

"Yes. That's what I said."

I shrugged, "Okay."

"I'll pay you-"

"No money." I said shortly, adjusting my sweater vest.

"Soccer lessons, then. You can tutor me on Friday after games, I'll help you on Saturdays."

I couldn't help the small smile that crossed my face, "Sounds good."

He smiled back and we averted our eyes elsewhere, our smiles fading.

...

Once I saw Nev, though, I smiled, thanked him again and ran to catch up with him. He seemed a little distraught. He took his seat in the Business Prep class and I realized why. The Professor, who I recognized as Lupin from the schedule, was teaching the class.

Of all the times to put away a name in my head, thinking it wouldn't matter.

Lupin took notice of me staring and walked over briskly.

"Look away, Harry, sit down, run. Do something, Harry!" Neville whispered fervently.

"Hush, Nev." I said under my breath.

It was like a light switch flicked on in my head as he stood less than a foot away.

"Hello, Professor. My name is Harry Potter. I'm your new student. Nice to meet you."

I smiled one that looked genuine but felt disgusting and raw.

_You're damn convincing Potter. He should be pretty-fucking-scared of you._

Thank you. How kind of you to make this even more wonderful.

_Sarcasm is uncalled for, especially when he's still watching us._

I'm not afraid, Riddle. Are you?

_Of you, right now? Extremely._

Riddle's voice shook for a second until he corrected himself, for the most part.

_Kidding._


	16. An Ulterior Motive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Enter by Attica Blues

Remus Lupin gives me a small, almost stuporous, smile as he nods in approval before walking up towards the front of the room. I blink and suddenly all that sheer courage that appeared was gone and I felt as if I was going to collapse.

"Harry, of all ideas that are dumb and impulsive, why did you have to go along with this one?"

The shaking was getting worse, even to the point where my body naturally started leaning forward to tremble. I slid in my chair next to Neville and brought my knees to my chest as class slowly began to start. A couple people looked over but simply shrugged and sat down. They looked toward the teacher, while I stared at my book, my feet, my hands, anything except the face of the man who may've had a part in killing my parents. This Professor, with gall I haven't seen in a while, decided that I would be his target for the day.

Neville mumbled to me under his breath, after I answered two or three questions correctly, "He picks a daily target, have fun."

Lucky for me, though, my photographic memory never stopped working. I would be half-listening, he would call on me, I answer the question correctly, and he'd move along. This continued until class ended, class began to transition but he held me by the shoulder when I tried getting up.

"Sit, Harry."

_Isn't that just dandy, Potter? He knows who you are._

_Oh, happy day!_

I desperately tried not to respond to the voice, seeing as he only truly responded or shut up when I spoke aloud.

The fact that he said Potter this time, bothered me, though.

_Tread carefully, Harry, or he may find out about us._

"Yes, Professor Lupin?" I said as flatly as I could manage.

"You keep giving me very unnerving looks during class, it makes one wonder why."

_Maybe because you killed the kid's parents._

He didn't do it directly.

_Same thing._

"Your mind is wandering, Harry, look at me."

I breathe slowly, trying to calm down, then I look at him, "You killed my parents."

His eyes flash with something dark and he takes a deep breath, allowing himself to stand a little straighter, then he lets go of me and walks away. He doesn't say a word. As I headed off to my next class, I wondered if that was an admittance of guilt or if it was just too much to hear.

...

Walking towards the planetary studies room, my elective, I noticed there were only about 10 students taking this class. To my dismay, I knew none of them. A tall, young woman with dark skin sat behind her desk, watching me enter. Her dark umber hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail that flattered her high cheekbones.

"Harry Potter?" she asked, speaking a little too much through her nose.

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Just Miss Aurora is fine, or Professor Sinistra, if you prefer."

I got a few interested looks before correcting myself, "Yes, Miss Aurora." and their interest faded.

"Good, you found the room without trouble. I was just telling the class,"

Her brown eyes seemed to lighten a little as she motioned to everyone sitting in a circle at the center of the room in small, plastic chairs.

"We're having today's class session tonight at the astronomy tower at 7pm until 9pm."

The look of shock on my face must've gave it away because as soon as I picked an empty chair, she explained.

"In the booklet explaining the different classes, if you check under Planetary Studies, it says it will sometimes call for night classes."

I thought it over for a second, "Do other classes have night sessions?"

She smiled a little, leaning back in her chair, "Just the Paranormal Theory class, they go on ghost hunts."

She seemed amused by the idea, but I didn't really want to press the subject. It was one of those things that I didn't want to think about since I first learned my parents died.

_Actually, Harry, they were murdered._

Shut up, you.

I looked to my left and there was a boy with short black hair and, quite honestly, reminded me of Will Smith. I looked to my right and Miss Aurora walked over and sat there.

The boy to my left poked my arm, "I'm Blaise Zambini."

I took another look at him, okay, scratch that, nothing like Will Smith. Blaise's eyes seemed to be filled with hatred and he seemed to be sizing me up.

"Harry, nice to meet you."

"I heard you made an ass out of Lockhart."

Apparently, the story is now leaked to the students. Wonderful. Now everyone must think I'm a punk.

"It's not like I meant to, he did it to himself." I said, standing as Miss Aurora dismissed us.

"Either way, you've scored points in my book, Potter. I'll be your partner for future projects."

...

As we walked in different directions, I wondered how far that pole was stuck up his ass, as well as how likely it would be to have a successful removal if taken into surgery.

_God, Harry, you could be a comedian._

Stop laughing, will you, your laugh is creepier than a goddamn hyena's.

_I'm guessing this is you not respecting my opinion again._

Good guess.

_You're no fun._

I turned off into the courtyard and Draco was there with his teammates, practicing juggling with the soccer ball. Draco even managed to kick it from behind his head and go back to juggling. I went in another direction before anyone could see me and I bumped straight into none other than Blaise Zambini.

"Hey, Harry, what'cha doin'?"

I shrugged, "Walking around, there's nothing to do."

A wide smile cracked his face, "Well, I have an idea."

He pulled me straight into the courtyard with Draco and his buddies. I knew I recognized Blaise somewhere, he was Draco's teammate. Oh, dear God, kill me now. I was too surprised to even think of looking at my feet.

"Hey, guys, meet my new friend. This is Harry Potter, you remember him, don't you, guys?"

They started laughing, "Yeah, he's the klutz who wanted to try out for the team."

Blaise got a triumphant smile on his face, "Actually, he's the one who kicked Lockhart's ass."

They all shot me confused looks, then him, "I thought he just talked him down a peg."

"Yeah, that's what I heard." another one murmured.

"No, no. He beat him up. I was there."

Draco looked at me in a panic then went back to juggling.

"Cool!"

"Yeah, Harry, come hang with us!"

"If Blaise likes ya, so do we!"

Blaise gave me a small smile, and whispered in my ear, "Exaggeration never hurt anyone."

Draco kept sneaking a look over at us.

"Welcome to our group, Potter." Blaise whispered before sitting on a bench.

A couple of the guys started talking to me but I didn't really listen.

Why would Blaise do this?

_An ulterior motive?_

See, good, now you're being helpful.

_Oh, fuck off._


	17. Hit and Miss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: I'm Sorry, I'm Lost by Epigram

The group was making small talk until Draco walked up.

"Hello, Potter."

He said it venomously, scaring the others off to talk to Blaise who watched us, seemingly amused.

"Malfoy."

He seemed a little startled by my voice.

"Now you know how it feels, Draco. Although the name Potter hurts me much more than yours hurts you." I said angrily.

Must be the dead parents that weigh down the name.

His shoulders slouched and his voice immediately softened, "Harry, why are you hanging around with Blaise?"

"It's none of your business who I hang around with."

"Harry..." his tone was warning.

"Draco."

"He's a well-known playboy, Harry. He picks someone, seduces them, then dumps them... even boys."

"I'm not a child, I know who I can and cannot fuck, okay?"

His cheeks turned red, with both embarrassment at my bluntness and anger, I'd wager.

"You're..."

"No, Draco, I am not 'a queer'."

"I wasn't gonna say-"

"Yeah, you were, and even though I'm not gay, that term is extremely offensive to me."

His brows furrowed in anger and he grabbed the place between my neck and shoulder.

"We need to talk. Now."

I pushed him away, "Shove off, Malfoy."

"Harry, don't."

"I'm not interested in him or what you have to say." I clenched my teeth, my throat suddenly dry.

I pushed past him and walked through the courtyard, towards my dorm.

...

I knew I was being irrational, I was positive of it, but I needed space. It wasn't like he was going to come racing after me. He's probably convinced I'm gay, and that disgusts him. I adjust the tie around my neck, suddenly feeling as if it was a noose.

Dumb school uniform.

_I think it's nice, it really brings out your girlish figure._

I have no curves.

_A lot of girls don't have curves, almost all look better without them._

Yeah, okay, Tom.

_First name basis? Is it my birthday?_

Don't you even-

Suddenly, I felt as if I was falling backwards (I guess I'd tripped) when a hand grabbed each of my wrists.

"Dude-"

"-are you alright?"

Once I regain my balance, I notice the identical haircuts, the freckles, red hair, and matching grins.

"Oh, Harry Potter-!"

"-we've heard so much about you-!"

"-from our brother-"

"-yeah, his name is Ron-"

-"do you know him?" They manage to say at the same time.

I was so confused; I heard twins finish each others' sentences but this is ridiculous.

"Yeah, I know him." I manage to say without looking too confused.

"Oh, sorry-"

"-we didn't introduce ourselves."

"I'm Fred."

"I'm George."

"Nice to meet you, Harry." they say simultaneously.

Dear God, if you exist, please make my life more normal.

_Not gonna happen._

You're not God.

_How do you know?_

God doesn't cuss.

_The hell, he doesn't!_

"Man, Harry, we heard from Ron you were spacey-" Fred.

"-but we didn't think you zoned out that bad." George.

I can tell them apart... kind of.

"Sorry, I'm listening. You said something about a candy store?"

"Yeah!" Fred grinned.

"We're on our way now."

"Wanna tag along?"

I sighed, "I don't have any-"

George patted my head, "No matter, we'll pay."

"Come along, then!"

They grabbed me under my arms and picked me up as they walked out the front gates, greeting the gatesmaster with a tip of invisible hats.

"Simon." they said together.

"Be back before they find out."

"Good man!"

"We won't forget this!"

I heard a vague 'yeah, yeah, whatever' as we walked into the woods.

"We're walking there?"

George laughs loudly, setting me on my feet, "No, of course not."

Fred smiles, "We swiped our dad's car for just this reason."

"Doesn't he need it?"

"He bikes to work, he's convinced he needs to lose weight."

They laugh again and we get onto a side path where they've hidden a rusted, blue Chevy. Fred got behind the wheel and I suddenly feel the need to feed Castiel.

Far away from here.

_Don't be a baby._

Fuck off.

I climb into the back seat and George talks to me while Fred drives quickly through the woods on paths that I assume they cleared themselves.

"So, Harry, what do you think of head?"

I felt my face flush.

He corrected himself, "Sorry, should've been more specific. H.E.A.D."

"You mean the academy?"

"Yes, Harry." George says with a chuckle.

_Get your mind out of the gutter._

Hypocrite.

"I like it, although it's hard to tell who hates me." I muttered, staring out the window.

He nodded, "Yeah, lots of people have that problem. It's normal."

We all walk into the candy shop and they stick close by me.

"We don't have that problem, though." Fred interjects.

"Yeah, 'most everyone likes us."

I smiled, understanding why as they flirted badly with a couple girls looking at gumballs. They were hilarious. The girls laughed, though. The one closest to Fred handed him a slip of paper which I assumed had her number on it. Or a fake number. Whichever they deemed appropriate, I guess.

I was looking at something called chocolate frogs when a boy around the twins' age walked up beside me, he looked foreign, his face stern. We both went to grab the same box and I laughed, apologizing, he smirked a bit.

"Hello, what's your name?" Definitely foreign; he has a thick accent.

I scratched the back of my neck, I'm not all that great at socializing. In fact, it usually makes me want to vomit due to nervousness.

"Harry."

"My name is Viktor, Viktor Krum."

I saw Fred and George watching and whispering until they walked over quickly.

"You're Krum, aren't you?" One of the twins asked. Maybe George.

"Yes." His smile faded some.

"I'm confused..." I said aloud.

Fred looked at me in shock, "You don't recognize him?"

"How could I recognize Viktor? I've never seen him before."

George just about choked on the M&Ms in his mouth, "Viktor!? He prefers-"

Viktor smiled a bit and patted my shoulder, "Viktor is fine."

A guy leaned his head into the shop door, "Krum, bus leaves in a few!"

"Well," he sighed, "see you around."

He left, and the twins and I left a bit after checking out.

I ended up getting a box of the chocolate frogs, they got at least 10 dollars worth of candy.

_That's 7.27 euros and 14.21 in Bulgarian Lev._

Thank you, personal database of pointless information.

_I'm guessing you're too dense to realize the nationality of your little friends._

Fred and George aren't-

_I meant Viktor and the two girls, idiot._

Oh.

_Yeah._

With that thought in my head I couldn't help but zone out again.

Why would foreign kids, from another school no less, come here?

_..._

The entire ride back they mumbled about Viktor.

They mentioned he was different than they thought.

Much quieter.

They concluded he was just egotistical and liked to maintain an image.

I on the other hand, saw it differently.

For some reason, he liked that I didn't know who he was.

So just who is he?

_Tall, dark, brooding, mysterious, and handsome._

Think with your other brain.

_And you call me a hypocrite._


	18. Losing My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm
> 
> Chapter Song: Becoming Insane by Infected Mushroom

Once we got back to the school, we went our separate ways. They headed towards the lunchroom to join their friends, I guess. I checked the clock tower, affirming my thought. I headed through the courtyard to take a shortcut to the library, I notice Draco from the corner of my eye. I averted my eyes, feeling much like an ostrich trying to hide in the dirt. He was reading a book again, a different one, and seemed to be at the beginning. He took another bite of his green apple and I felt myself stare so I looked ahead and walked faster. I felt his eyes on me but he made no move to get up, for which I was thankful.

Once I got into the library I went into the dark and dusty school record section that is technically forbidden without permission. However, I wasn't going to read the books, so I deemed it alright since no one was in the library anyway. I sat on a small seat hidden inside and pulled my knees to my chin, staring blankly at the books on the bottom shelf across from me. Suddenly, my eyes started watering and I silently cursed myself for it.

I gritted my teeth, before opening my mouth in a silent scream, choking back soft sobs. I pulled on the ends of my hair and pounded my fists against my skull. I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and scratched along my arms. Putting my hand under my shirt, I drug my nails as roughly as I could across my chest and stomach, ignoring the tears streaming down my face. I shook violently, moving to press the heels of my palms into my temples. Suddenly, everything dulled and I started hearing the voice again.

_Harry... what are you doing?_

You should know! This is all your fault!

_Harry... stop it._

You stop, Tom! Stop fucking with my head!

_I'm not the one clawing at your skin, you are._

_..._

I pulled the pillow from beside me and pulled the pillow against my face, wailing quietly into it.

"Harry?" an airy voice said carefully.

I pulled the pillow from my face, wiping my nose on my sleeve, tugging them back to my wrists. The girl had medium-blonde hair and a calm demeanor, she took some tissues from her purse and opened my palm, balling them into my fist. I took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. She smiled without a trace of pity, taking a tissue from my hand and wiping my tears.

"I understand, Harry. You've seen death. Death does terrible things to people, especially if they're children at the time."

"Who are you?" I asked, finally using the tissues and throwing them away in a waste bin nearby.

"Oh, I can't believe I forgot. I'm Luna Lovegood." she said with a smile, as if surprised at herself for forgetting.

"Neville told you then?"

"If you mean the death of whom, no. I can just see it in your eyes, you lost someone close to you."

"How would you know?"

"I look in a mirror every way to brush my hair. I lost my mother."

...

I didn't want to say it was both of my parents, death is not a contest, so I just smiled the best I could. She didn't spare a look, pushing up the sleeves of my shirt.

"No cuts, but it'll take a while to fade. 3 or 4 days, most likely, do try to hide them well."

"How would you know?"

She tilted her head, smile still a ghost on her features and lifted her sleeves, then rolled down her knee-high socks and rolled up the end of her skirt. There were scars, welts, and cuts that were fresh, some recently dried, and some that marred the pale flesh. She watched me, gauging my reaction, as I rolled up her socks and pulled down her sleeves for her. I felt my eyes mist over as I tugged the end of her skirt back to her knees, she entwined her fingers in mine.

"You're not a freak for doing this, believe me. You aren't the only one. Come to me if you need a shoulder, okay?"

I wrapped my arms around her carefully, unsure if she had any more scars, but not wanting to hurt her. She hugged me tighter, pushing her face in my neck, I felt her shake a little but she didn't speak.

She loosened her grip and moved a few inches away from my face, "I've never told anyone... it feels good."

We laughed a little and I kissed her forehead, "Your secret is safe with me."

"Yours are too."

"Plural?"

She whispered in my ear, "I know you're gay, too."

Suddenly, her breath hitched as she glanced over my shoulder, "Neville..."

I spun around and Neville was fuming, his face burning with anger, "Am I interrupting something?!"

"Nev, don't-"

"Don't  _call me that,_ you backstabber!"

I felt the switch click again, the wicked smile returning, "Not my fault you don't have the balls to tell her you like her, mate."

Her shock radiated from behind me and his abashment was evident, "What's wrong with you, Harry?"

"Not Harry. Harry's riding shotgun." I felt my smile grow too big, feeling like it split my face.

I pushed past him, bumping his shoulder before walking towards the exit. I heard Luna's boots as she rushed after me, she tugged on my wrist.

"Harry, come back and explain to him, please, Harry."

The switch flipped off again and I turned back, looking between them.

"I'm so sorry."

...

I run back to my room, packing up some clothes for tomorrow in my bag from the candy store and rush down the stairs. I cross through the courtyard as the sun sets, heading towards the parking lot. I walk off campus, heading towards the woods and walking to the beach. I walk until the sun has set and I sit on a rock in the sand. The waves roaring against the wind that slowly picks up speed. I set the bag in a crevice of the cliff to keep it immobile, before removing my shirt and shoving it into the crevice too.

I roll up my pants legs above my knees, take off my socks and shoes by the rock. I wade into the waves, the wind blowing hard, whipping my hair painfully into my face. I feel myself shaking and I let out a pitiful scream. I scream, and I scream, and I scream until my throat is raw and I collapse to my knees. I slam my fists into the sand, croaking out a final attempt at a cry.

I'm lost inside my own mind.


	19. Skipping Astronomy Class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: It's Hard to Move You by A Thorn For Every Heart

I knew no one could've heard me from the school grounds. I was too far away and the waves were so loud as they crashed against the rocks. I felt safe there, even though if I drowned, I'd be miles from help. To be entirely honest, I would've been okay with it to die right then and there. Being there, feeling the waves rush up my legs, stopping at my waist to pull back into the water, I'd never felt so free. I looked over my shoulder, trying to see the academy through the woods but I couldn't. Giving up, I laid on my back, stared up at the sky and dreamed of being somewhere grand. Somewhere without anyone but me. Already alone in the world, having no drama caused by other humans would be the only step upward.

_Harry, you're friends are probably worried. You should go back._

Don't act like you care.

_Will you just listen to me? Just this once?_

If they really cared, they'd be out looking for me.

_And risk everyone calling you a dropout or getting expelled for ignoring curfew?_

Please, just leave me alone.

_Think about what I said, Harry._

My inner-debate completely stops when I hear something, maybe an engine, pass by. To get my mind off things, I hum an old song my mother used to sing to me and the feeling is bittersweet. God, how I miss her. My father too. I almost smile, remembering how tenderly my mother held me in her arms and how softly my father always spoke, afraid to startle me. I hear the engine again, so I turn to look and see a motorcycle pull up onto the cliff. It stops, is parked, and the person on it moves to the edge and hangs their legs off the edge. I watch the figure as they stare at the moon, and I swear I heard crying. I look away, afraid to intrude, and lied back in the water.

I hear a hoarse voice call out, "GOD DAMN IT, WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

The water rushed through my ears, so the voice was garbled, but I heard them kick the metal railing and scream until their voice broke. I almost wanted to comfort them, but trying to calm a stranger wasn't exactly on my bucket list, so I tried ignoring them. They must have saw me because they suddenly stopped screaming and ran on the rocky edge off the gradual slope nearby me. I continued staring at the sky, disinterested in whoever it was. I just kept humming There Was An Old Lady, remembering as my mother always giggled at parts, which always made me smile.

I hear the stranger yelling now, "Hold on, Harry! God, Harry, are you alright?!"

Hearing the tone and recognizing it immediately, I jolt to sit up and crash foreheads with him. A large red place is there but he ignores it, checking my pulse and my face.

"Why are you out here so late! It's freezing! You could get pneumonia out here!"

I stick my fingers in my ears, hoping to get both the water and his yelling to dissipate. It doesn't.

"I'm fine, Draco. Jeez, calm down." I interrupt him as he grinds to a halt.

"Why are you out here so late?"

"Why, hello, Kettle, fancy seeing you here." I say sarcastically, standing and heading towards the rock with my shoes and socks.

"What?"

"I'm guessing you never heard the saying 'Look at the pot calling the kettle black.' Pity."

He rolls his eyes, "Don't be a smartass. I was fucking worried you're dead and now you treat me like roadkill."

I don't really know how to respond, so I just watch him, instinctively reaching out and touching the bruise beginning to form on his forehead. He flinches and his eyes widen. I lower my arm and sit on the sand against the cliff and without a word he sits right next to me, his ankle touching mine. He glances at me from the corner of his eye and moves even closer so our hips are touching. The mood is awkward, but the closeness is comforting.

"Why did you scream that? From the cliff?" I asked, watching him.

"You heard that?" he blushed a bit, avoiding eye contact, "I must sound really psychotic... screaming at nothing."

I laughed bitterly, catching his eye, "Not really. Comparatively, that's pretty normal."

He smiled a little, then it fell, "Why are you out here alone?"

"I needed to unwind, a lot has happened since I got here. It's barely been a week."

He nods, "I screamed that... because I really screwed up. I really want to be friends, Harry, and I really screwed up."

I shake my head, "You had good intentions, I get that, just don't try to tell me who I should and shouldn't be friends with okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm late for Astrology." I think out loud, staring at the stars.

Draco shrugged, "Last time I checked, you'd passed out from exhaustion. I remember, I had to drag you to the infirmary myself."

I was confused, trying to reply, and he winked.

"No worries. I got your back. Come on, let's listen to some music."

"Got an mp3 player?"

"Of course, who doesn't?" he said with a grin, giving me a headphone.

Me. Oh well, the best way to get to know someone is to learn their interests. Music helps. Suddenly, a really slow song I recognized came on. A song my father used to sing. A song that no one anywhere near my age ever seemed to know, the band too was practically only known to people 30 and over!

I smiled and he whispered, "You like this song?"

I nodded, and suddenly, I felt really tired. It was like lead pulling on my eyelids, and I closed my eyes, leaning my head on Draco's shoulder. In the back of my mind, my head told me I should get up and walk back to school... but the warmth I felt when I leaned against him begged me to stay.

So... I stayed.

I heard Draco whisper, "Wow..." before taking out the headphones and leaning his head back against the wall, then I fell asleep.


	20. A Generous Invitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Alone by Suicidal Tendencies

**_ ~Tuesday- Day 8~ _ **

I woke up to the sound of a phone alarm going off. It sounded like an airhorn, so I reached across whatever was beside me and unlocked the phone, turning off the alarm reading "GO TO BREAKFAST! THEY JUST MADE FRESH PANCAKES!" Once I rubbed my eyes, put on my glasses, and yawned I remembered where I was. Looking beside me, Draco was slowly waking up, yawning _._

"Hey, Harry... why are you holding my phone?"

"Alarm went off. How early is it?"

"6 am. Sun isn't even out yet." Draco said, combing his hair with his fingers, stuck up in awkward places because of the gel he uses to slick his hair back.

I laugh at him, taking a picture of his hair with his camera phone, "I never noticed it before but you and Sonic must be related!"

He looked disgruntled, taking the phone and sighing deeply, "Oh, shit, my  _hair._ "

"Come on, we'll just wash it out."

"I can't go to class like this!"

"Believe me, it'll be an improvement." I choked between laughs.

"Don't be an asshole." Draco turned to face me, our faces inches apart.

"Honesty is the best policy."

"What happened to say something nice or nothing at all?" Draco mock-frowned.

"Never learned that one."

"Clearly."

"Come on, morning breath." I smiled, standing up and tugging his wrist.

"I could easily pull that kettle joke."

"My joke."

"Free country."

"Now  _that's_  a joke."

Draco laughed, pulling himself up and sitting by the tide.

"Get in the water so I can get it out. You brought your soccer clothes and bike, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I have an extra uniform so let's go in."

"Alright."

We waded in and I managed to convince him to float on his back while I got the gel out. Luckily it was great quality, not too surprising, so it came out extremely easily with the waves being so low. Once we finished, we got back on the beach and changed, him by the tree, and me by the cliff. Honestly, it was an unspoken thing to not change in front of each other but it made me wonder. Did he ever consider sneaking a peak? Or would he not even consider the idea? After changing completely, I put on my socks and shoes, grabbing my stuff, and walking up towards his bike.

He just barely slides on his shirt before I get there, and I notice the small dimples in his lower back and I almost swoon. His skin is so smooth and white, like porcelain. He doesn't notice me staring.

I pack away everything before we get on the bike and head back to school. Luckily, the engine noise was extremely quiet due to modifications made on the bike for 'situations like this', he explained. Meaning he does this running off thing pretty often. We pull up to the school, and after a quick goodbye, we go our separate ways. Him, to the mess hall, and I to my common room. Hopefully, to make amends with Neville.

As soon as I open the door, being careful to close it quietly, I hear an uproar. A small group had been pacing and all ran up to hug me as I entered the room. I recognized them as Neville, Luna, Hermione, Fred, George, and Oliver all grapple me in a group hug.

"Where were you, I've been worried sick!" -Hermione.

"I was searching everywhere for ya!" -Neville.

"I even searched the basement and restricted sections." -Definitely Luna.

After hearing more happy mutterings about me being back, I managed to shush everyone a bit.

"What's wrong? I was only gone for several hours."

"You know it's more than that, Harry." Luna said softly.

"Yeah, I yelled at ya for no reason and I'm really sorry, Harry, I am. It was terrible of me."

"It's alright. I just needed to cool down." I said quietly, noticing a dark figure standing in the corner.

"Ron, come down here. You were just as worried as we were." Fred yells at him.

"Piss off." he spits out, walking back towards his room.

We all head off for an early breakfast and I notice that Draco's already left. At the table where I first met him, I see a small note on a yellow post-it: "I'm going to go ahead and tell the teacher you were in the sick bay. I was planning to pay off the nurse but apparently she had left earlier due to family emergency. No one was there, so the story works. Sorry I have to write so small, it's a long note. And" I flipped the post-it over, "we should keep last night a secret between the two of us. From, D."

I crumpled the note and pushed it in my pocket, glad he'd been vague in case someone else found it. Upon sitting down, everyone was quiet until Oliver spoke up.

"So, Harry, where did you go?"

"To the beach."

"You mean the one like 10 miles away?" George piped in.

"Yeah.

"You  _walked_  10 miles?" Fred chimed in.

"I sprinted a couple parts of the way."

"Wow." Hermione smiled, "Soccer helps, then?"

"Yeah, my stamina is up."

"Also, Harry, we found out why those foreigners were in town." Fred said with a grin.

"They're here for the Coed-Athletic Cup, for Soccer." George finished.

"Actually, it's better known as fútbol. Only America calls it Soccer." Hermione piped in, smiling around her fork.

"They'll be here tomorrow to start practicing." Luna smiled, finishing her granola bar.

"Oh, by the way, Harry." Oliver looked at me, "Coach wants you off the bench, the Winger is down we need a fast guy."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, and the coaches are going to group up and pick a single team from the four houses to go against the other schools."

"Meaning we could be paired with anyone." I thought out loud.

"You should've seen it last year. It was _in tents._ " Neville laughed, and Luna sighed.

"He was trying to make a joke since every team prepares in tents." Luna clarified, earning awkward chuckles.

_Harry, you should go find Draco and thank him for his help._

Now?

_As good a time as any._

I made an excuse about going to take a shower and left briskly.

So... why am I listening to you, again?

_You tell me._

I sighed, walking over towards the astronomy tower, and saw him leaving. We walk side-by-side and he gives me the whole story he told the teacher in case if anyone asked questions. At the end of the story, in passing, he mutters something in a whisper that I was too dazed to catch.

"What?"

"I was wondering... if you wanted to come over to my father's estate for the holidays. Christmas and such."

I feel a smile beam onto my face, "Seriously?"

"You should ask your parents first."

I was so excited that the words didn't even process, "No one will care. I'd love to go."

He laughed, smiling, "Okay, it's settled, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I don't play soccer/fútbol so if I screw up positions/roles and such please, for the love of all that is Drarry, CORRECT ME.


	21. A Big Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Walls by Me vs Gravity
> 
> P.S. Sorry for late update, I didn't really know how to write this chapter. It ended up being WAYYY different than I thought it would since the first draft (kept rewriting it). Tell me if I went too crazy with this one.

I said a quick goodbye, going to class a little early. I feel that familiar scratching and I felt his voice whisper to me. I tried blocking out the noise but he eventually got loud enough that I could hear.

_So, you and Draco, huh?_

Nah, no way. We're friends.

_I wish I had a friend who looked at me like that._

Wow, way to make our relationship awkward, Riddle.

_Speaking of relationships, you are aware you woke up spooning the guy?_

Wow. We were, weren't we. Huh.

_Keep your thoughts pg-13, there's kids here._

All of them are my age, most of them with more "experience" than me.

_Now who's fault is that?_

That's it. Go in the dark corner of my mind and stay there.

_Go visit Snape while you're out. Tell him where you're going._

Now why would I do that?

_He's the closest thing you have to family right now._

Okay. I'll go. Now go away.

...

The itch slowly faded as I knocked on the door of Snape's quarters. My knock was uncharacteristically soft, surprising me when Snape opened the door just after a few seconds. Lupin was standing inside, leaning against a wall, looking with admiration at my mother's photo. I felt my knees buckle and my fists clenched, turning my knuckles white.

"Oh, hello Harry. Glad to see you're out of the... infirmary." Lupin said with a tight voice, glancing up at him suspiciously.

"Mr. Potter, please come in." Severus said with caution, "We three need to have a talk."

"It's about where you live outside of school." Lupin said bluntly, setting down the photo. "Lily and James had...  _conflicting_ views on who you would live with after the Dursleys sent you here."

"Sent me? Meaning I always had the option?"

"Well, actually-"

Suddenly, a phone rang, Lupin took out the phone from his pocket and listened to the voice on the other line silently and hung up, putting the phone back.

"It's the headmaster. He wants to speak to the four of us."

"Four?" I asked, hoping for explanation, one I never got.

"You'll see, Harry. Just keep your head." Severus whispered as they all walked to the office of a Dr. A. P. W. B. Dumbledore.

Lupin opened the door and I saw a man with shaggy hair, tattoos, and a weak grin. I recognized him immediately and raised my fist, about to punch him. Lupin caught my hand, tsking at me.

"So you know?"

"Of course I know!" I screamed, an older man rising from behind his desk.

He had bright eyes that did not match his upset expression. He walked over to me, put a hand on my shoulder, and directed us all to a row of seats in front of his desk. We all sat, I sat on the end by Snape, then Lupin, then the other man who scratched the tip of his moustache awkwardly.

"First off," the older man, Dumbledore's, voice was coaxing and calming. "Harry, how did you find out?"

"The memory was repressed but Neville showed me the files. Hermione knows too but for an entirely different reason."

"Ah, I had a feeling this would happen eventually." Dumbledore sighed, "How is your memory?"

"Crystal clear. I have a photographic memory."

"Then you remember these three gentlemen?"

"I know Severus, I mean Professor Snape; I only know these other two helped kill my parents."

"Harry..." the man on the edge said painfully, looking like a kicked dog. I recalled his name to be Sirius Black.

"They did not kill Lily or James, Harry. I know these boys. I knew your parents. I knew Tom Riddle, he is the only one to blame for your parents' deaths."

"Then they weren't his followers?" I asked, completely ignoring the three as they watched me closely.

"No, Harry. They were falsely accused."

"Can we please get back to the point, Albus?" Sirius asked flatly.

"Harry. Your parents had a kind of disagreement over who would take over you once you cut ties with the Dursleys to go here."

"Meaning?"

"You have to pick one of these three to be your legal guardian until-"

"Severus. I pick Severus." I interrupt him, an edge to my voice.

"Are you sure? Make sure you think this through..." Dumbledore warned and I shook my head.

"I trust Severus. He saved my life."

"Then so be it, I'll send for the paperwork." the old man stood again, smoothing out his suit and his thinned, grey hair.

I looked over at Severus who looked both surprised and touched, then at the two men who seemed hurt. I looked back to Snape and he nodded with a comment about letting us have some time alone before leaving the room after the Headmaster.

...

"You look just like him, you know. Except for Lily's eyes, you have her eyes." Sirius said with a wobbly smile.

"But your compassion is like your mother's and your goddamn determination from your father." he chuckled softly.

"Why am I at this school."

"Albus loved your parents like they were his own children, when he found out what happened... he knew you would be greater than Lily and James so he made sure you got in." Lupin sunk into his chair, seeming very tired and weary.

"I was... am... your godfather. As is Moony, however, I hate to say that Severus would be the best for you. I with my drinking issues and Remus with his anger issues, we wouldn't be a good influence on you, Harry. But you will come visit me sometime, won't you, Harry?"

I nodded, "I will."

I heard the door open, Dumbledore and Severus walking in. I feel the blood pounding in my head and I feel that  _infernal itching_  again. It halfway drives me insane!

_Tell them, Harry, someone needs to know about me. Harry, are you listening? GODDAMMIT HARRY TELL THEM!_

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I scream, my nails digging into my temples.

I feel them swarm around me and I feel faint. Snape looks at me in horror, muttering "oh not again" over and over under his breath. They try to get answers from him but the pain stops and I fall limply to the floor.

"Explain what the hell is going on, Harry!" Remus yells, agitated.

"Tom... Riddle... won't stop... talking." then, everything goes black.


	22. Taking It Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence

I woke up in the infirmary again, the thought "how many times would this be in the past week" blinked in and out of my head on occasion, the thought forming in pieces. Looking up, I see Remus, Sirius, Severus, and Dumbledore watching me from my bed side. Slowly, I ease up onto an angled pillow and their whispers stop immediately.

"Harry, we need to talk."

"Headmaster-"

"Albus is fine."

"Okay," I drawl slightly, realizing they gave me some kind of ibuprofen for my headache, making me a bit out of it. "Albus. What are we talking about now?"

"Tom Riddle." the name made me shiver in response, not going unnoticed by all four who stared in curiosity.

"You mean the really dead guy, Tom, or The-Voice-In-My-Head, Tom?"

"Both." he says seriously, pulling a pipe from his pocket, "Do you mind?"

I shake my head, "Where to start?"

He lights the pipe, puffs in thought, then looks back at me, "Are you aware of how he died?"

"After Severus pushed him away from me, he ran, he was shot before being caught by the police, he died on the way to the emergency room." I say automatically, detached, as I feel the scratching again.

"Yes, and you know Mr. Longbottom and Ms. Granger's involvement?" he blew a smoke ring absently, looking back at me.

"Hermione's parents were the coroners that preformed the autopsy on my parents' bodies. Neville's parents were cops on the case and were eventually killed by Riddle as well.

"No... Neville's parents were tortured, almost to death, he happened to be at his grandmother's at the time, so he remained unharmed. His parents burned their house down after they got out of the hospital, with Neville and his grandparents inside. Neville managed to save his grandmother and grandfather and the final copies of the case files, his parents were sent to a mental institution for the criminally insane for arson."

I felt the scratching get faster, "He didn't tell me..."

Remus, Sirius, and Severus stood, exusing themselves to the hall. It was at this point I felt the tears running down my face.

"Harry..." his voice was sad as he tousled my hair, a frown forming on the corners of his mouth. "He's a strong young man, he's a fine boy."

"He's got it so much worse than I do, and I have the nerve to have an option and choose who I can live with. It's just plain wrong, Albus!" my voice cracks in anger and I watch him rub his short beard in thought.

" Talk to him, tell him you know, have a real conversation. Now... back to Tom. Why are you hearing him, do you have any ideas?"

"Hermione said it might be a coping mechanism to deal with seeing the murders of my parents. From what she's read about it, it seems like a plausible idea, and it does make sense. After looking at my parents' files, they had no traces of schizophrenia or any other similar mental illnesses."

"Then what's this I've heard about you running out of classes suddenly, vomiting, and spontaneous fainting?"

I feel my hands shake and I grab my knees, willing it to stop, "I've been thinking of a psychology book I read a few years ago and I've concluded it's most likely PTSD. I have the memory blocks, the anxiety attacks, the emotional distress, detachment, insomnia, irritability, distrust."

"Usually," he takes a few puffs "I'd say not to diagnose yourself but everything you said was accurate. I had a patient when I was a doctor, he was called Moody by everyone in the ward. I think you can surpass this, Harry, you're not only a strong-hearted young man but you also seem to be improving all by yourself. It seems to be getting a little better."

"I am ready to head out now, Albus."

He helped me stand, muttering a 'take it easy' and I nod before heading into my second class.

...

I sit beside Hermione who watches me in shock as I sit beside her, Snape gives me a look, a small, worried smile and continues his lecture. I look to my right and Draco is watching me protectively, and I want to tell him I'm alright but the look that Snape keeps giving me makes me finish my assignment. Once class is dismissed, he pulls me into a small and empty hallway, standing less than a foot away from me.

"What happened, I heard Granger say you weren't in first period and you were gone for almost half of second? Is something wrong, Harry?"

In that moment, I really had missed Draco; I smiled a little too wide, my eyes getting watery and I shook my head. "Just had a rough morning, I passed out again."

He put his hand on my forehead, feeling for my temperature, "You're really cold."

"It's the weather, I was outside a bit ago."

"Don't lie to me, Harry." he said harshly, glaring at me as the clock chimed for final call to classes.

"Another time, Draco." I nodded, walking with him and the other stragglers into Lockhart's class.

I sit in my seat beside Hermione and Neville and I notice Draco stand at the seat in front of me, smile at the girl sitting there and she nods, running and sitting in his seat. Leaning back, he stretches and yawns, the final toll sounding and Lockhart starts class. Hermione mouths questions about Draco towards me but I act preoccupied listening to Lockhart's mindless droning on and on.

...

After class ended, walking with Hermione and Neville, Draco walks quickly past us and I try not to notice, but I do. I notice the way his hair flicks when he walks fast, the way he walks with his back straight and no slump in his shoulders. The overhead lamp flickers over him and he stops midstep to look up at it before moving on. I catch Luna's eye from across the hall and I wave, pushing Neville in her direction.

He smiles, running over to her, leaning against the lockers beside her, someone opening their locker and hitting the back of his head. He laughs awkwardly, blushing, as she curiously feels for bumps on the back of his head. Walking to the last class, Hermione changes the one-sided subject.

"So, about the Fùtbol Tournament... are you gonna try out?"

"I'll try," I say halfheartedly, still thinking about how to talk to Neville.

"Who are you going to take to the Tri-Way Ball?"

"The what?" my thoughts stop and I turn to her, confused.

"It's when the tournament starts, after the holiday break." she says with a grin, "We can go together as friends, on one condition."

I humor her, smiling, "And what would that be?"

"We help each other pick out what to wear. Obviously." she adjusts her bag on her shoulder, grinning.

"Deal."


	23. For the Asking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Terrible Thought by Poe

 

I arrive at McGonagall's class, and Draco is sitting in Neville's usual seat in the corner. Neville senses the distaste coming from Draco and sits by Luna on the other side of the room. He's silent, sparing me worried glances, as Ms. McGonagall goes in depth about the first World War and it's effect on the world. I, on the other hand, could only think of Draco and his suggestion. Now that I live with Snape, technically speaking, I'd need his permission instead of my aunt and uncle's and quite frankly, I am afraid of how that conversation will pan out. I can't exactly just bring it up and ask, there's no doubt he'd disapprove. Wouldn't he?

I look up at Draco and catch his eye and he writes on a corner of an unused sheet of paper,  _Something wrong?_

Shaking my head, I write  _Do I seem weird to you?_

He stares at the paper for a while before his shoulders slump and he exhales through his nose,  _You seem distant._

 _Good deduction, Holmes._ I wrote back, smiling sarcastically.

 _I'm pretty sure that I'm Watson._ he scribbled back, rolling his eyes.

 _You wish you were Watson._ I retorted.

 _Maybe I do._ he challenged.

I suppressed a laugh, but then I turned to stone, feeling the hair on my arms rise; I could hear Tom again.

_Hello, Harry, how is the blatant flirting coming along?_

I've never heard you around Draco before...

_Maybe you're getting worse, maybe you're having a mental breakdown, let's flip a coin shall we?_

Wouldn't be the first time I've had a mental break.

_Now, see, this is why you shouldn't be sarcastic. You're so good at it no one can tell the difference._

Can we discuss this trivial information later?

_No. You've got to tell Draco you can't go over for the holidays. Do it._

Why would I do that?

_He'll find out about us._

I don't care.

_Bullshit._

Language.

_English._

You're hilarious. Seriously, I'm not cancelling.

_If Snape says no?_

Then I guess my first job as his son is to be a normal teenager.

_You just called yourself his son._

Did I?

_Yes, you need to watch your words._

I feel Draco shaking my shoulder, "We're doing partner work."

I nod slowly, slowly feeling Riddle leave my mind, and my focus returns. I reach out and take Draco's pencil from his desk again, writing one more thing on the paper.  _Something came up and I realized I really should have asked before accepting your invitation._ _  
_

He shook his head in understanding, whispering, "It's alright if you can't. I was just going to help you get some practice in before the Tri-Way selections."

"Thanks again for helping me with that."

"Gladly."

A pleasant silence settled between us as we both read our portions of the textbook silently. Once I finished, I laid my head down and closed my eyes. I could feel Draco's head against my neck and his feet tangled with mine as we curled up together on the beach. A small smile returned to my face as I imagined him smiling, holding my hand, and almost-

I felt something brush against the small hairs on the nape of my neck, like the tiniest touch of fingertips. Draco... I hurriedly snap my head up and Draco turns away, frowning, his face slightly red. The bell rings for the end of class and everyone heads to the lunch hall to eat. Draco stays behind, putting his things away slowly.

"Want to eat lunch together, Harry?"

"Maybe some other time, I need to do something."

"Why do you keep blowing me off?" he was hurt, I could tell by the look in his eyes.

I sighed, "It's nothing personal."

"Is this about Neville? About what happened?"

I shook my head, moving past him, "It's something else."

"What is it, Harry?" he grabbed my arm, his eyes scanning my face.

"None of your concern." I pushed the hand off, walking towards Snape's classroom.

I felt a weight on my shoulders and I frowned, I'm shutting him out again.

...

I walked in and Severus was speaking to Lupin about something. Lupin seemed casual but Severus seemed defensive, his arms crossed as he sat on the edge of his desk. Severus noticed me first, his eyes flicking over to me.

"Harry. Did you need something? Is everything alright?"

I nodded, apparently Albus told him about my... condition, "I was wondering if I could spend the holidays with a friend to prepare for the Tri-Way selections."

"Sounds alright, who will you be staying with?" he asked, ignoring Lupin entirely, a placid expression on his face.

"Draco Malfoy." I say reluctantly and Lupin looks at Severus, his calm expression vanished, and quietly excuses himself from the room.

"He's bad news, Harry."

"He's been nothing but a good friend to me."

"I'll pick you up early if you happen to need me, feel free to call at any time."

"Thanks, Severus." I smile, headed out the classroom and stop, turning to look at him.

"I'm happy you said I could take care of you, Harry."

"I'm happy I get to be your son." I see something happen in his face and he covers his mouth with his palm.

"Thank you, Harry. That means a lot to me." he takes a hard swallow and exhales sharply as I slink out of the room.

Against my better judgement, I walk into the Slytherin hallway and knock on the common room door. I'm let in by Blaise, who's all smiles.

"What are you looking for, Harry? How did you know I was here?"

Walking inside, I mutter 'I didn't.' under my breath, "Where is Draco?"

"Upstairs, first door on the left, why?"

"Need to ask him something."

"Ask what?"

"I'm gonna ask what size dress he wears." I respond sarcastically, pushing past him and going up the stairs.

I see the hall fork, the right side with Boys painted in script and Girls on the left. Looking around I see multiple doors, each with a single name on it and I roll my eyes, stupid rich kids. I knock on the door a few times before hearing Draco's voice yell, "Hold on a second!"

He yanks open the door, "Blaise! What did I tell you about-! Oh."

I shrink a little, "Can I come in?"


	24. The Falling Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Ghost of Days Gone By by Alter Bridge

His hair was wet, his hand clenching a towel he'd obviously been using to dry it. He steps aside and I walk in, taking a look around his room; it's especially neat. I sit on the corner of his bed as he opens a dresser and pulls on a band tee over his pajama pants.

"What's up?" he asked curiously, "Something wrong, Harry?"

"No, I got permission, I can go."

"You contacted them already?"

"Yeah," I brushed it off, trying to change the subject. "So what's with Blaise, exactly? You thought I was him at your-"

"It's a long story." he promptly changed the subject, something we both seemed to be good at. "You need to pack about a month's worth of clothes. We might get a lot of snow this year, and if we do, they may hold off a few more days until we return to Hogwarts."

I nodded, not having the heart to tell him I didn't even really  _own_  a month's worth of clothes. A week, maybe, if I washed clothes a lot. I guess he caught me frowning or something because all of a sudden he walked closer to me and held a hand to my head.

"What?"

"Seeing if you have a fever."

"Why?"

"You looked a little flushed, plus we did sleep out in the open, on a beach, in the winter."

"So how long do I have, doc?"

"Funny." he laughed sarcastically, "You don't a fever, I don't think you do, anyway."

"Good news."

"I'm excited for the break." he grinned, heading over to his closet and pulling out a small, cream colored animal. He held it in both hands, though it was only a little bigger than his palms, "This is Zorro." The ears were triangular, and they were slunk back in caution as he brought him closer to me, his little brown eyes watching me closely. "I need to see if you two can get along, since I'm bringing him home with us."

I reached out my hand and Zorro sniffed it, gave it a small lick and curled back into Draco's arms approvingly, "I have a ferret, Castiel, would you mind if I brought him along?" I asked, still in awe.

"Not at all. So you have a ferret? What's he like?"

"You'll see when we leave this week. What is Zorro, anyway?"

"He's a fennec fox. Oh. Just so you know, my father will be the one picking us up, so be on your best behavior."

"Aren't I always?" I joke and he rolls his eyes, putting Zorro in the crook of an arm as he uses the other to toss his towel into a clothes hamper.

"I'll come by the day before we leave, tomorrow, and I'll make sure we're packed and ready to go."

I turn my eyes to the door, "Is this okay? I mean, to be hanging around like this?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know," I rack my brain for the right words, "Like we're some big secret."

"I don't act like we are."

Then I guess it's just me, I think to myself. Looking up, I notice the sun sinking in the sky, "I need to go, I'll see you later."

"Until then, Harry."

The words seems awkward, foreign, coming from him. It seemed, I don't know,  _off._ I pet Zorro once more before leaving, Blaise already long gone by the looks of it. I round a corner, after leaving the Slytherin wing- Gryffindorbound- and bump straight into Hermione.

"Oh, Harry, I was just looking for you. I wanted to know if you wouldn't mind going with me to town tomorrow."

"Sure, 'Mione. Anything for you. Why are we going?"

"You'll see when we get there." she grinned impishly, kissing my cheek before rushing off, waving at me.

_Pretty girl. Too bad you don't feel that way about her._

She doesn't feel that way about me.

_How do you know?_

I know because if she felt that way, I'd automatically have a panic attack the second she'd touch me.

_And why's that?_

The fear of hurting someone else.

_Who did you hurt before? Don't even try to blame yourself for your parents' deaths._

I actually blame myself for Neville, but thanks for that load too.

_I'll leave you to your childish pity party, buzz me when you grow a pair._

...

Staring at the ceiling, I opened Castiel's cage and pulled him into my arms. He whined happily, curling up against me. I'd neglected him but I knew he understood to some degree. Once I'd gotten back to my room, everyone was at dinner, and I starting panicking for no reason- but there was a reason. I kept seeing my parents die. Bits and pieces of all the repressed memories were resurfacing and I started sobbing hysterically. I punched my fists hard into the mattress of my bed and Neville walked in to get me to come to dinner. I didn't hear him come in.

He sat me down, hugging me close until I'd calmed down. I sobbed into his sweater, my mouth open and croaking out sobs. A few times, my crying would make my voice choke out when I tried to regulate my breathing, at which time he would hold me tighter. He rocked me back and forth until it passed and I felt so vulnerable in front of him. He didn't ask questions. He left, assuring me he would return with food. He did.

"Harry?"

The voice had startled me, "Yeah, Nev?"

"You okay over there?"

"Never better."

"Harry." he chided.

"Really, I'm okay. Just go back to sleep."

"I can't, I worry."

"Promise you'll have a fun time with your grandma this holiday."

"She's kind of mean."

"Then go home with Luna, I doubt she'd mind. I mean, she is your girlfriend."

"Is not."

"Then make it official."

"I'll ask."

"Her to be your girlfriend?"

"No, going to her house for the holidays."

"Try the other one too."

He laughed, humoring me, "Okay, Harry." He muttered, turning his back to me and I watched out the window to my left as snow began to fall.

"It's snowing." I muttered to no one in particular, my roommates breaths all signalling sleep.

I could hear Neville's deep, steady breaths and my mouth drew into a thin line. I hoped he didn't remember as much as I did about his parents that I remembered of my own. I wondered how he dealt with it, and how I was so weak compared to him but he always looked at me in a way that made me feel strong. Maybe he thinks I am strong. He'd never truly understand how much Tom Riddle's voice burned the insides of my ears. How much it terrified me to hear him. It terrified me even more to know that he was created entirely of my own imagination from pieces of memory.

Castiel curled up closer against my neck, and I eventually drifted off to sleep. Maybe I could really get in the Tri-Way if I practiced hard enough. Maybe, just maybe, Draco and I can find some common ground.


	25. Making Proper Arrangements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Blurry by Puddle of Mudd
> 
> From now on, I'll label when a new day starts on a chapter because this whole implying thing is hella hard. I'll also include days because why not? All previous chapters are edited in this fashion. Thank you. This has been a PSA from deathbyinsomnia. As always, hide your children and don't feed them after midnight.

 

 

**_~ Wednesday: Day 9~_ **

Waking up, I could feel Castiel nudge me with his nose, licking my cheek. I open my eyes and see Neville still sleeping, the other two boys up and getting ready, shoving each other playfully as they whisper jokes to each other. I get out of bed and their eyes immediately turn to me, the shorter of the two gives me a nervous grin.

"Good morning. This is the first time you've woken up so early, Harry."

"How do you-?"

"Neville told us." the taller one grins, "I'm Dean Thomas, this dwarf is Seamus Finnigan."

He shoves Dean in the shoulder again, them quietly cursing at each other. They're complete opposites, Seamus with light blue eyes and pale skin and Dean with brown skin and equally brown eyes. Dean smiled broadly, waking up Neville with a hard kick to the foot.

"Wake up, let's all head to class."

"All?" he asked groggily, turning onto his back, "Oh, Harry, you're awake."

"Castiel's fault."

"Can I see?" Seamus mused excitedly.

I picked Castiel up and put him in his arms, and he petted him, "His fur is more wiry than I thought."

"That's what I said when I got him."

Dean laughed and took him from Seamus, putting him in the cage and locking it. Once we'd all gotten dressed, we headed to the dining hall. It was early, I realized that, but I didn't realize there would be no one there yet. I made a comment about it and Seamus rolled his eyes.

"No, one person has already been here."

Seamus fumes and Dean scoffs at his petulance, "Draco Malfoy. He's always first up and gets the best food."

"Why does everyone hate him so much?"

I immediately feel like I could've said that smoother, because Neville bites his lip, muttering "He's bullied us since grade school."

I shook my head in disbelief, getting behind them in the line for food, "Draco?"

"Yes, Malfoy, did I fucking stutter?" Seamus snaps, glaring back at me.

I raise my hands in surrender, "He just doesn't seem... that bad, is all."

Neville furrows his eyebrows, staring at his food as we walk to the table closest to the trash cans. There's a silence as we eat our waffles; mine with strawberries and whipped cream, Seamus's plain with butter, Neville's covered in chocolate chips and syrup, Dean with just a small bowl of plain yogurt. We all drink our water in silence until Neville pipes up, looking up from his phone.

"Hermione and Luna are on their way. They'll be in here in a few-"

"Good morning, Harry." Hermione sing-songed, hugging Harry from the back.

"Oh, hello, 'Mione."

"Hello, Harry." Luna said wistfully, sitting beside Neville.

I turned to Hermione and she looked at my plate then looked at me from under her eyelashes, "Mind taking that food to go?"

She sounded excited, so I nodded, "I was finished anyway, let's get you something and we can go ahead to class."

The room started to fill with students in their uniforms and she nodded, grabbing a few granola bars from a bin inside the lunch line. We strolled silent towards the classroom, her chewing on the yogurt bars until she stopped and sat on a bench. Sitting beside her, she swallowed before beginning to talk.

"About the visit to the shops today, I was wondering if you wanted to get something too?"

I nodded, "I'll take a look." As an afterthought, I smiled a little because I know Severus wouldn't mind going with me and buying a suit for the dance since he is undoubtedly chaperoning.

"Good, we'll be able to see what looks flattering on both of us."

"Anything you wear is flattering, Hermione." I smile and she blushes, giggling.

"Oh shut up, Harry!" she quips, finishing her yogurt and throwing it away in a nearby trashcan she pulled a pocketwatch from a fold in her skirt, "We should go inside, class will start in ten minutes."

I walk in with her, "Is that a pocketwatch? Wow, that's very old-fashioned."

"Well," she laughed incredulously "I just happen to  _like_  being old-fashioned."

"That won't get you many dates," I joked, making her smack me playfully on the arm.

"Hush up, you, class is starting."

I mock her silently, mouthing her words and she grins, rolling her eyes. Watching Severus slink in through the side door, I was about to walk up to him and tell him about the shopping today but stopped when I heard Draco and his friends sit near me. I slump my shoulders and hope that Draco will ignore me in front of everyone. He does, luckily, but my inner debate about why I refuse to talk to him in public raging on in my head.

"Harry, would you mind reading the passage about coordination complexes?" Severus asked, glancing up from behind his textbook.

I nod, reading the passage absently, not really focused on what I was saying. After a while, Severus thanks me and I sit back down, returning to the spiral I'd been doodling. Now, though, it looked more like a sporadically scribbled black dot than a spiral. It looked like an abyss or a vortex that now resembled the remaints of the mind filled with Tom Riddle, my parents' deaths, and Draco Malfoy.

...

Heading to Latin, I sat where I'd sat with Draco before since every other seat was taken. He calmly took the seat beside me, pulling out his workbook from his bag. I couldn't tell if he wanted to talk to me so I listened to the teacher's skittish ramblings about how there are so many jokes that are much funnier in Latin.

"Harry, how much have you packed?"

"I don't have much to pack so I plan to wait until last minute."

"How irresponsible." Draco chided, smiling a little to show humor.

"You can come to the room during dinner if you want, all my roommates eat then."

He nodded, "Alright, well we leave tomorrow at 7am so meet me at my motorcycle at 6:30 so we can meet my dad inside the nearby town. Don't be late."

I nod and he smiles, doodling, I raise my head and watch the teacher instruct us on special word usage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a side note, I sincerely apologize for the late update. I had finals and midway I posted this chapter to both of my other posting sites but never got around to posting to this one! I'm so sorry. I'll be better next time. I'll update as soon as I can.
> 
> With love,  
> deathbyinsomnia


	26. You're Hiding Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Secret of My Heart (English Version) by Kuraki Mai
> 
> I couldn't find any male covers but I couldn't pass it by.

The class seemed a hell of a lot longer than usual and after I stole a few looks at Draco, I realized I would've been better off  _sleeping_  until I went with Hermione to the shops. By which I still had no clue how we'd get there. I frowned, tapping my fingertips against the table until eventually I laid my head down, frowning at the world's inability to be interesting.

_Now, now, Harry; the world is plenty interesting._

Could you leave me to my own thoughts, just this one time?

_You're on the brink of epiphany and you can't even see it._

Epiphany, that's hilarious.

_I'm being serious. There's something big coming and you don't even see it._

What do you mean?

_You know, you're just in denial. How else would I know?_

Good point, I guess.

I glace over at Draco and he gives me a strange look, "Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

A jolt of fear hit me and for a brief second I held my breath, "I do that sometimes... What did I say?"

"I don't know, your arms muffled it and you were kind of mumbled."

"Oh," I sighed in relief. I really should stop responding, since I can't help but respond out loud.

"Class is about to end."

I stand once the bell rings and as he puts away his things, he looks over at me.

"Wanna sit together in Lupin's?"

I feel myself wanting to say yes but shake my head, "I sit by Neville during that period."

If he's disappointed, he doesn't show it. He just nods in understanding and walks ahead of me as I fall into step with Neville.

"What's that about?"

"Nothing, just asked about something Ms. T said."

He seems convinced and shrugs, "Well you are one of the brighter bulbs in that class."

"Just because I remember stuff, doesn't make me smarter."

"It actually does," he noted as we took our seats in the back of Lupin's class. "Your brain, to remember those things, means you use your brain at a higher capacity than others. You have the ability to remember because your brain has more activity that is 'encoded' and 'decoded' into the forefront of your mind."

I feel a smile, "Where'd you learn that?"

"I want to be a neurological major in college."

"Neurological surgeon? Psychiatrist? Psychophysicist? Psychobiologist? What do you want to be?" I asked, suddenly excited.

He seemed a little flustered, before giving a small grin, "I don't really know yet, I'll figure it out."

We sit in the center table in the back and Remus smiles as he strides over and leans against our table. I screw my eyes up to look at him and his smile is actually one of concern.

"Harry, I'd like to speak with you in private, if that's alright."

"Lead the way, Professor." It comes out way more sarcastic than I meant to but he stands by the door with me.

"I'd like to know why you're spending the holidays with Draco."

"Well, aren't you forward?"

"I'd just like to know."

"He's going to help me with soccer. I want to make the cut for the Tri-Way."

"You're not even on the team."

"But I could be a wild card entry, come  _on_ Remus. I really wanna do this."

"Would you mind if I told Severus? He's been worried that you don't want to spend time with him."

"I do! but have to do this first, okay? Since when were you and Severus on good terms?"

Remus laughed, "Since he found out you were coming to the academy."

I nodded and he left me at my seat, heading to the front of the class to teach.

"What's with you and Professor Lupin? And Professor Snape, for that matter, they keep giving you this look-"

"Neville, please lower your voice." Remus called out idly, resuming his aloud reading from a textbook.

"What look?" I ask, only half paying attention.

"The look you give Hermione when she isn't looking."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"A look of protectiveness."

I feel myself choke out a nervous laugh, "What?"

"You're hiding something from me. There's something you aren't telling me, isn't there?"

"I'll explain later. I'll send you a letter during the holidays."

"It'll take forever to arrive by snailmail."

"Nev, just... I can't discuss right now. Once you read, relay it all to 'Mione, okay?"

"Okay, Harry, if you say so."

The rest of the period we're silent, doing our work individually. I catch sight of Draco in the front and I frown, I suddenly am regretting the idea of going over to Malfoy's house. Neville and I get into the next class and he directs me to a seat at the very front and as soon as we sit down, a man stumbles in the class with a cheeky grin and his height made me lose my breath for a moment.

"First as always, Neville. Oh, you must be Mr. Potter, I heard about Severus being your new dad and I've got to say-"

I guess he could see the fearful shock on my face because he suddenly backtracked and muttered to himself, heading to his desk, "I shouldn't have said that. I should  _not_ have said that."

"Harry..."

"He adopted me, I had the choice between him, Lupin, and Black and I thought he was the best choice-" I rambled, trying to find the words.

"Harry!" he said again.

"What?" I snapped out of it, looking at him.

"You could've just told me," he smiled a little, "but I know you just didn't want to worry me and Hermione. You can tell her when you two go shopping today."

"Wha-?"

"Luna told me."

"Oh."

"It's fine, Hagrid didn't mean it. He's a bit of a jabber jaw."

I nodded and class went on, only about fifteen people in the class occupied the seats and we all listened intently as Hagrid talked cheerfully about the importance of bees to the ecosystem. I found my eyes glued to the clock, counting down when Hermione and I would go out shopping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you actually paying attention to classes/Harry's friends in each class/where they sit and such, please don't. I just looked back and realized discrepancies and I'm ashamed of myself but I'm also too exhausted to change it (plus it would cause major rewriting) so just ignore it. I won't really be mentioning classes much more after they go to Malfoy Manor anyway, so if there's anything that doesn't really make sense, try to ignore it.
> 
> Really sorry for that, guys.
> 
> Also, sorry for taking so long to update but I'm kind of in a rut. It'll be a lot easier once Draco and Harry go off to Winter Break.
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	27. The "Shopping Spree"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: One Last Wish by James Horner
> 
> Known from the movie Casper (1995)

I have to admit, I thought nature was pretty fascinating especially when I'd see something akin to a double rainbow hanging vaguely in the sky. However, I was fumbling over myself listening to Hagrid speak, reveling in what he was saying. I caught his eye a few times, watching his eyes shine passionately as he talked about bees. I'd never liked bees but the way he talked about them made me feel an overwhelming respect. When class ended, my mind was somewhere else, thinking about every bee I'd ever stepped on or swatted.

"I still hate mosquitoes," I heard someone mutter and I had to restrain myself from giving a hoorah in agreement. I hate those little bloodsuckers.

Neville and I parted ways, me heading to the library to pick up Hermione and Neville going to meet Luna for lunch. The hallways emptied quickly, everyone already in the cafeteria from scrambling over each other to get the best slice of lasagna. I laughed bitterly, these twerps have chefs come in and cook so they can stuff their ungrateful faces with stuff that undoubtedly would cost an arm and a leg in a restaurant but they get it for free. Seeing Hermione at her usual table, I sneak up behind her and hug her. Laughing, she marked her place and handed me a box with my name and school address on it.

"What's this?" I asked, turning the box over in my hands.

"That would be your uniforms, you got a full refund because they sent it so late, by the way. Here," she handed me 2 hundred-dollar bills, "they also sent a letter but it was very impersonal, don't waste your time reading it."

"So are you ready to go?" I asked, chuckling at her comment before putting the box under my arm.

She nodded and we went back to our dorm, she went to her room to change and I put my uniform away in my trunk. Taking a look in the mirror, I laughed at my oversized t-shirt that read "I can't hear you over the ignorance from your statement." and realized they're probably glad I finally have non-civilian clothes to wear. The fact all my jeans are faded and ripped doesn't help, though they'd never believe me if I told them it was because I had to clean Aunt Petunia's attic once a week and there was splinters and nails galore to get snagged on. I picked up a hoodie from my trunk and zipped it up as I met her in the lobby.

"Follow me," she whispered with a grin, running toward the back exit.

I followed suit, running after her silently. She yanked open the back door and ran out, me following close behind. Her shirt a long-sleeved sweater a chocolate-brown, covering her shorts went only a few inches down her thigh, a pattern of crocheted lace on the bottom, a pair of patterned leggings under it, and a pair of brown ankle boots accenting it perfectly. She smacked my arm when she caught me staring, blushing some, muttering how stupid I was. I laughed, she looked cute but I'll wait till later to tell her that.

Once we were on the street about a block or so away, she stopped and grinned, walking over into the woods and knocked on the window of Fred and George's car. She waited a second, then opened the door and got in, sliding to the furthest side. She watched me expectantly, waiting.

"What are you waiting for, Christmas?"

"This is Fred and George's car."

"They lent it to me." she rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

"Do they know they lent it to you?"

She laughs at my suspicious expression, "Of course. Drive us into town, Mr. Car Man."

"You aren't Miss Daisy and I'm not your chauffeur."

"Harry," she whined.

I nodded, taking the keys from her palm and driving down into town, I shift the gear awkwardly and the car lurches slightly.

"Not a very good driver, are you, Harry?"

"Haven't had much practice. Was only allowed to drive when my aunt and uncle wanted to go out for drinks so they could get home safe," I'd said it so casually I surprised myself. I was usually really touchy about the Dursleys.

We drove in silence and parked in an empty slot of the public parking lot. We rounded several places but all the prices were outrageous or the dresses were purely detestable. Not yet defeated, Hermione hooked her arm in mine casually, grinning up at me before leading me into a small boutique. The room was adorned in mannequins, shelves, and racks all flaunting beautiful, one-of-a-kind tailored suits and dresses. I kept my eyes on the dresses with Hermione, and I felt my eyes drift. I saw a box behind the counter labeled OUTDATED and I felt intrigued. I drifted from her as he made a gagging gesture at a dress that looked like antique wallpaper.

"What's that box? The outdated one."

"Oh," the clerk swallowed in disgust. "The dress didn't sell, one of my usual girls noticed it on the rack and I HAD to dispose of it."

"Where will it go?"

"Why do you want to know?" she asked, her drawn eyebrow alarmingly close to her hairline.

"May I see it?"

"Take it. The thing is undoubtedly hideous if it's been here that long." she scoffed, pushing the box into my arms.

I nod, walking over to Hermione, "Do you want a free dress?"

"Oh, do I!" she exclaimed, then took a look at the box with a puzzled expression, "Do I?"

"One way to find out."

She shrugged, "Worth a shot, you go look at tuxedos while I'm changing."

I nodded, drifting over to the tuxedos. My fingers brushed across the fabrics and then the metal hangers to slide them with a short screech. One of the them suddenly caught my eye. I took it off the rail and looked it over. It was perfect. I turned over the tag and my heart dropped.

"That's amazing, Harry!"

"Look at the price."

"Not so amazing... I'm sorry, Harry."

I turn and all I can tell you is that I've never seen anything as beautiful as Hermione does in the dress. It's lavender, fits her form and accents it wonderfully. I round to the back and glance at the tag on the inside of the back. Vogue Italia, Valentino fall collection, 2008.

"It's perfect."

"Are you sure, Harry? There's no mirror in there for me to look."

"Don't look until the night you wear it. Trust me."

She gave me a look and went back into the changing room, leaving me to sigh at the tux and put it back on the rack. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and waited outside of the changing room. Looking up at the shoes rack, I pulled down the perfect pair for Hermione and checked the price. Seeing the damage was minimal, I put it on the counter.

"She'll get these."

"To go with the dress? She likes it?"

"You didn't see it, did you?"

"No."

"Either way, she'll buy these shoes."

"Her money." she rolled her eyes in disdain, ringing them up.

Hermione came up to the counter, looked at the price, gave me a pat on the shoulder for my good choice, paid, and put them in the box. We walked slowly to the car, the sun about to fade behind the trees along the horizon.

...

I frowned, my stomach growling as we put the box in the car. "Hungry."

"We never ate lunch, did we?"

"I usually skip lunch, but I'm really hungry now."

"Well, duh! Why don't you eat lunch? It's an important meal."

"So is breakfast but tons of people skip that."

"You did not just use a bandwagon excuse."

She rolled her eyes at me, taking me to a nearby restaurant to eat. I tried to pay but she insisted since I noticed the dress.

A while after we'd eaten, we were sitting in the car and began having a playful argument about her paying for me against my will. She made a joke about my height, relating it to my patience, as she parked the car and pocketed the keys.

"Oh, look, school- I better get going." I muttered, checking an imaginary watch before grabbing Hermione's box and running off with it.

She yelled curses involving baldness and incontinence my way, gaining on me. Running inside, I pull the door shut hard, falling backwards. I bump into something hard, sending both me and (who I now realise is ) Draco to the floor. My butt and hurts a lot but I still have the box in my hands so I hold it close to me as I stand and move towards the dorms.

"You sure are hard-headed, Harry."

"You're the one who bit my head." I turned my back to him, walking to a door frame and stopping, remembering to wait for Hermione. She must've lost speed back there at some point.

"I was trying to warn you that would happen, you caught me with my mouth open."

"That sounds vaguely dirty." I lean into the door frame with my right shoulder, wondering if all the dinner's been snagged yet.

"It does, doesn't it?" he mutters offhandedly, and I feel him running his fingers through my hair.

 ** _*_** "What are you doing?"

"Checking... for blood... to make sure I didn't get you too bad."

I feel his fingertips weave through my hair, moving pieces around, occasionally brushing against my scalp. The feeling is pleasant, but NOT something I want to feel when he's standing within blush-viewing distance. The door opens and I stand immediately, walking back over and handing her the box. She thanks me, walking away and then stops.

"I'll see you at lunch?"

"We just ate."

"Your loss," she throws over her shoulder, waving as she runs to the dining hall.

"Why were you guys out?"

"No reason, she wanted a dress for the ball."

"Oh... are you two..."

"Dating? No. However, she is my date to the Tri-Way Ball."

He's silent for a second, pensive, before his smile returns. "Let's go make sure you're packed."

He followed close behind me while we were walking, not bothering to try to start a conversation. Once we reached my room, he flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. I pulled all of my clothes from the trunk and put them in a pile to my right when Draco gives me a look. He mutters a 'be right back' over his shoulder and comes back several minutes later with a small duffle bag. I put my stuff in and thank him to which he just shrugs and starts holding and playing with Castiel. I finish quickly and he glances in my trunk, now empty except for the school uniforms.

"That's all you have? All of it fits in that little duffle?" his voice seemed shrunken and confused, something very strange compared to his usual cocky demeanor.

"Never really been a fan of 'stuff'."

"Stuff?"

"Material things."

"That's honorable and all, but why?"

"Never had the opportunity to have useless things."

He puts Castiel away and pats me on the shoulder, his hand lingering there, "Meet me in the parking lot, I'll be there in a little while."

Once he leaves, I grab Castiel's things and my bag and go to the parking lot. I check the clocktower for the time and I realize it's almost time to release from lunch. As soon as everyone leaves lunch, they'll be headed home. I'll be going over to Malfoy's house. I just keep making really weird decisions when it comes to Draco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a whopping 2,025 words!
> 
> *The song's relevance begins here lol
> 
> I would love to tell you it's simply because I was inspired (that is only part of the case) but it also had a lot to do with the fact I couldn't find any songs that would fit for the playlist.
> 
> In any such case, I will continue writing this week (unlike my usual write-then-update-immediately) and hopefully get a few chapters ahead so I can be on time.
> 
> Love you guys. Oh! and don't forget to review.
> 
> Remember, do not let muzzle-less babies roam, they are called ankle-biters for a reason!
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	28. The First Goodnights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: You Don't See Me by Safetysuit

Once he got outside, backpack on his bag and a large black bag in his arms, I furrowed my eyebrows, about to ask what it was when he attached it to the bike. Oh, they're sidebags. I open it up and find Zorro staring up at me with bright eyes.

"Need to put the animals somewhere," he says, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded, getting Castiel from around my neck and putting him inside the bag. Feeling around inside, I notice there's air holes and I give Draco a look of approval.

"Good thinking, since it'll be a long drive."

He shakes his head, "My dad is picking us up, remember? He changed plans, instead of us driving to our beachside cabin nearby, which could take about a half hour, he'll pick us up in the town to make things faster." I sling my bag across my back as he shoves his tiny backpack under his seat. "I have enough clothes at the manor, so I just brought my wallet, passports, and such."

"Passports? We need a passport?" Then it hit me, their winter home is probably somewhere else. "I don't have one." He didn't even look fazed, held out my helmet and I put it on, getting on the bike behind him. He put his helmet on and sped off. Suddenly, I heard two voices in my ear.

"Kura?" I heard Draco ask.

"Yes, Master Draco?" replied a vaguely-female, robotic voice.

"Connect me with Milton."

"Yes, Master Draco." Her voice said, then I heard a dial tone.

"Draco, what's that? My AI system I have attached to my electronics, it's still in development, I'm calling my butler to arrange everything so don't worry-" I heard the line connect, and I closed my mouth, listening.

"Young Master Draco?"

"Milton, I need you to obtain a passport for Harry Potter. He attends my school if that helps the search."

"Yes, Young Master Draco, it will be available for pickup at your arrival at the private jet entrance gate. Good day to you, sir."

The line disconnected and I instinctively scooted closer to him, whispering into my helmet. "Do I have a ringing in my ear or did he just say private jet?"

"I guess it slipped my mind. Anyhow, we'll be in town soon, my dad is a little... opinionated but try not to let it get to you."

"Why do I suddenly feel I should be worried?"

He laughed, the sound reverberated in my helmet and I felt myself blush at the sound. God, I love the sound of him laughing. Once he pulls into a parking lot next to a nice pickup truck, he puts on the kickstand and we get off the bike. A man, who I recognize easily as Lucius Malfoy, gets out of the car with long, platinum blond hair pulled back in a low ponytail and a grim smile on his face. Draco takes off his helmet and puts it under his arm, taking off the sidebag and assissting the driver of the truck put the bike in the truckbed. Draco and I choose to sit in the truckbed while the two adults sit in the cab.

"Draco, introduce me to your friend." Lucius says pointedly to him through the open cab window.

I take off my helmet, embarrassed as Draco introduces me as his best friend. I manage to keep a neutral expression but I know at least a little redness managed to creep up onto my cheeks. "Good to meet you, Mr. Malfoy." I hold out my hand and he shakes it quickly, retracting his hand and closing the window. "That's reassuring." I mutter under my breath.

Draco scoots closer to me and says in my ear, trying to talk over the brisk wind, "He's always like that. Don't worry about it." As I nod, I feel him move closer to talk to me again, this time in a whisper. "I'm glad you could come along. It really sucks to be alone during the holidays."

"I thought your mother and father will be there?" I asked, and he seemed to bite his teeth together as his nose wrinkled in distaste, looking down at his feet.

"Not only them. A good portion of my family will be there as well as some of my dad's business friends." He paused, looking over across the horizon, "I've dealt with the celebration every year and it's unbearable. I'm surrounded by those people but I always feel so alone around them." Suddenly his eyes snap back to mine and he laughs, shaking his head in dismissal, "Nevermind, forget I said it."

"I've never had a holiday celebration with my family, if you can call them that, I've never even had a birthday party." My eyes burned but I refused to cry with him, his father, and who I suspected was Milton, right there. I took a hard swallow and cleared my throat, "Be glad you have a family you can spend time with."

...

We remained silent for the rest of the drive, I eventually saw us pull into a private air strip and a private jet sat there. Everything was loaded onto the jet and Mr. Malfoy made a quick comment about sleeping in the bedroom and to be quiet while he did so. Sure enough, he went into a door after liftoff and five minutes later I knew he wouldn't come back out. Malfoy took the sidebag and handed me Castiel while he sat beside me with Zorro.

"About what you said..."

"Forget it," I muttered, forcing a smile, "it's in the past. Things will be different now."

"I was just wondering, would you want to celebrate your birthday while we're at the Manor?"

I opened and closed my mouth, at a loss for words and he smiled, "It's settled, then. We'll celebrate it on New Years Day." I laughed hard, shocking the both of us. He looked at me with a grin, "You okay?"

I nodded, "Thanks, Draco."

The plane landed a while after and we put the animals back in the bags, unloading it all into the truck we'd packed into the private jet. Yeah, the jet is that big. We made the short drive to Malfoy Manor and Milton offered to take our things up to which I declined. Draco gave me a strange look then told him he'd carry his things up as well. We went up the tall staircase and once we reached his room, I slowly set my things down after he gave me a look of approval.

"You can pack your clothes away in the spare dresser and you can sleep on the spare bed."

I did as he said, putting my things away. "Why are there two queen-sized beds in here?"

"I used to have friends over and my father wasn't too keen on me having to share a bed 'when we can easily afford a separate one'." Looking out the window, he clicked his tongue in distaste. "It's late, I'll have Milton send us up something to eat. What would you like to do before we go to bed? We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow, so we can't stay up too late."

I didn't dare question it before closing the full drawer of my clothes and I sighed, "How about we watch a movie or something?"

Standing up, he opened a cabinet door filled ceiling to floor with different DVDs, "What's your poison?"

"Classic movie."

"Genre?"

"Dark Comedy."

"I've got just the one." he grins, picking one off the shelf and putting it in the dvd player before pressing a keypad on his wall and asking Milton to bring up some dinner to which he quickly obliges. Once we got our food and started the movie, I tilted my head in confusion.

"This is a true story? I thought it was dark comedy."

"You've never seen Fargo?" I was about to answer no but he shushed me, "Just watch, it's the greatest."

I do admit, it was a good movie. Once the movie was over and the dishes from the sandwiches were collected we changed, facing back to back again, and got in bed.

"Goodnight, Harry." he whispered in the darkness, and I could practically hear his smile.

"Goodnight, Draco." I whispered back, blushing and turning my back to him. I wish he didn't make me feel this way because who knows how long I can hide this feeling from him. I know he doesn't feel the same way, so I'll keep it to myself. As I faded into the realm of sleep, I could see Dudley and his friends from last year. I could feel them shove me into the brick wall, and punch me over and over again while Dudley stood and watched. Not caring enough or brave enough to try to stop them. I felt a scream rip from my throat.


	29. O' Departed Joys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley

I jerked left and right, but suddenly I couldn't move and I saw Draco standing over me, crying as he shook me. "Harry, Harry! Are you okay?! Wake up! Please!"

My eyes flew open and I saw Draco watching me with worried eyes, void of tears, holding my shoulders. I had been dreaming. I felt myself shaking, my hair stuck to my forehead and slick with sweat. "Harry... you scared the hell out of me. What kind of nightmare makes you thrash like that?"

"I remembered something unpleasant... I'm fine, go back to sleep." I mutter, turning away from him. I hear him sigh and slip into bed next to me.

"I'm here, Harry, so try to forget the bad things." His voice is groggy again, and I feel his back against mine as he pats my thigh reassuringly. "Sweet dreams."

"I need to calm down. I can't sleep like this." I muttered to myself.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll tell me about your dream in the morning."

"I promise."

"Do you mean it?"

"Mhm." I felt my eyes get heavier, and I knew I was falling asleep.

"Harry?" He turned toward me, the bed's springs squeaking quietly.

"Yeah?"

"This is going to be the best holiday break I've ever had, and it's thanks to you."

I turned to face him and find myself looking in his eyes, "Goodnight, Draco."

"Goodnight, Harry."

**_..._ **

**_~Thursday: Day 10~_ **

I feel the sun graze against my eyes and I squint them open, getting out of bed. Noticing the curtains flying in the breeze, I go out onto the balcony. Draco is leaning forward against the railing, his bare back shining in the sun.

"Hey, Back-Freckles." I joke, poking at some of the dark circles coating his shoulder blades.

"That's Mister Back-Freckles to you," he grinned, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me towards the railing. "I hope you're ready because we have a busy day ahead of us."

"I never asked yesterday, but why are we going to have a busy day?"

"Oh, it was supposed to be a surprise but I suppose I can spoil it. We're going shopping today. I need some clothes for the parties and so do you, as well as a wardrobe change because you have as much style as a ten year old."

I smacked his arm and he caught my wrist, laughing at me, "I recant, that's offensive to ten-year-olds."

"Why, I ought'ta!"

He catches my other wrist, mid-swing, and laughs at me. I felt my heart race as I laughed with him, I felt like I was staring in his eyes too long but I couldn't look away. I feel heat rise in my cheeks and suddenly he drops my wrists, "Sorry." I wanted to tell him he didn't have to apologize, that I didn't mind, but his smile had already dropped into a frown. "Let's go on out, shall we? We can grab some breakfast once we're in the shopping district." I nod slowly as we enter back into the bedroom, checking Castiel's food and water and Draco checked Zorro's.

I change into a loose t-shirt with Bam Bam on it and a pair of baggy jeans, but Draco took care in what he wore. He put on a fitted, white Beatles tee with a brown leather jacket over it, paired with a pair of straight skinny jeans that were a dark blue with a pair of black converse and wrapped a black muffler around his neck before strapping on a couple leather cuffs per wrist. Being the first time I've seen him out of pj's or uniform, he looked damn good, I thought to myself as we brushed our teeth in the bathroom. Once we finished, we head downstairs and to his motorcycle without a word spoken between us.

He handed me my helmet after putting his on and I got on the bike behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I leaned the side of my helmet on his back, watching the lakeside, and tightened my arms around his stomach. "Draco, you don't have to buy me anything," I found myself saying.

Pulling up to a stoplight, I heard him sigh into his microphone, "I want to, please just accept my offer without any fuss." I made a scoff of reluctant agreement and suddenly remembered my dream from the night before, after the one with Dudley, and I let myself zone out.

In my dream, I was standing in a field with a single tree in the distance. I could easily recognize it as the willow from Hogwarts, but the land was empty and flat with lush grass several inches tall. The wind blew through the grass and it tickled my ankles, the long, hanging branches and leaves brushing against my cheek. I brushed my palm atop the tall grass, and I looked up and Draco was standing against the wind. He was wearing his uniform, but his tie was absent and his shirt unbuttoned. His eyes were closed and his complacent smile made it seem as if he was being embraced by the breeze. The wind didn't whistle in my ears, his shirt didn't make any flapping noises, and- although I don't know how I knew- I couldn't hear his silent humming. I reached out my hand and caressed his cheek. He smiled, his eyes welling up with tears, and as I leaned in for a kiss the dream ended.

I heard Draco humming, snapping me out of my daze, and the song suddenly hit me. I recognized the song from somewhere, but I just couldn't place it. "What song is that?" I asked, my mind still lingering on the distance between us, even though we're so close. We pull into a parking garage and we put our helmets under the seat and locking up the bike before heading out onto the strip.

"Bonnie Doon. My mother used to sing it to me," he says suddenly, humming the song again.

"They say those who hum beautifully can sing well too." I remembered where I heard it, then, it was an Irish folk song.

"I am more of a guitar kind of guy."

"Will you play for me sometime?"

He shoves his hands in his pockets, his scarf covering the lower half of his face that barely reveals a shy smile, "I'd love to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is lyrics from Bonnie Doon, in case you're wondering.


	30. Bring Your Worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Comfortable Clothes by Joyce Manor

He directed us into a small coffee shop, getting us each a cup of black coffee and two biscuits each. Once he paid for the stuff and handed me my coffee, we sat at a booth near the windows, I insisted on facing the window (in case my staring-at-Draco problem suddenly reared it's hot-as-hell blond head) and he agreed without argument. Once we reached the table, he picked up several packs of sugar and poured it into the coffee, followed by a large amount of vanilla flavoring that was set on the table.

"I'm guessing you have a sweet tooth?" I said with a laugh, coming out as more of a question than a statement.

"You wouldn't believe it until you truly see it." he joked, stirring it with a thin straw in a cup at the table. "So, as for clothes, I've been thinking about what kind of style would look best on you-"

"How long have you been thinking about it?"

His laugh came out a little shaky and he looked away, still stirring his coffee but avoiding my eyes, "Anyhow, mine is usually a very strict semi-casual with a bit of 'greaser' mixed in." Looking me up and down as I sipped my coffee pleasantly he made a face of disgust, "How can you drink it like that? It's so bitter."

"I'm a bitter person," I say offhandedly and he rolls his eyes muttering a sarcastic 'ha ha' before taking a swig of his coffee and setting it back on the table soundlessly.

"I've been thinking you honestly wouldn't pull off semi-casual very well due to the amount of maintenance you have to put in. So we'll get you some straight leg jeans and some new t-shirts."

"I have t-shirts."

"Yeah, God forbid you have a shirt that actually fits you. We're getting some form-fitting ones." he said pointedly, clicking his tongue.

"...We're not going to Hollister are we?" I asked, pausing from taking a drink of my coffee.

"Not unless you want to." he raised his cup, pointing his finger, before finishing the rest of his coffee and taking a bite from his biscuit.

"Not particularly."

"Good, because there isn't one for miles." he grinned, starting on the second biscuit. I chuckle and finish my coffee, eating the biscuits that were bought for me.

"Just so you know," he muttered, wiping his mouth with a napkin, "These places we'll be going in, especially the tailor we'll be seeing, are all used to very wealthy people like myself. You just need to be confident, don't ask about prices, and if you ask for suggestions try to be heard because they are all pretty big snobs." I nodded, dreading meeting them and glad to get this outing over with.

...

We shopped for my new wardrobe for several hours which, admittedly, was not all that bad. Draco's style choices and advice was much better than mine. On the other hand, Draco got a few pairs of nice jeans and shirts, but otherwise focused on helping me. I stopped looking at the checkout totals very early on. I also learned that it is common for the wealthy people in the area to have their things delivered to their houses by the stores' delivery boys. Walking up to the final place to visit, the tailor, he greeted the woman with a smile.

"We'll need about five suits. Three for me and two for my friend, here, but be sure to save the measurements because we may need extras." his tone was very stern and business-like, and she nodded respectfully before pulling a tape measure from her desk. "It'll be fine," he told he in my ear, waiting off to the side while I was measured. One thing to say about this woman, take it as you may, but she was a lot more... thorough than I assumed she would be. Once she took our measurements and snapped pictures of us individually- front, back, and sideways- and made us pay for the suits, she sent us on our way.

"She wasn't that bad," I commented on our way to the bike and he nodded, "Probably because she thought you were my partner."

"Like, associate?"

"No, the other one."

"I don't know what gave her that impression." I scolded myself on the inside, assuming she might've seen me watch him so much when he wasn't paying any attention.

"Probably because I bought both of our suits, not just mine."

I shrugged, it sounded like he knew the reason but it probably isn't important if he doesn't want to tell me. Or, better yet, it's better that I don't know and if that happens to be the case, I'm glad I don't know. Once we put on our helmets and drove back to the manor, it was time for lunch so we sat at the dining room table beside each other once we arrived and ate risotto that Milton prepared while talking about menial things like the weather. Our conversation was surprisingly pleasant, and after we finished, he took me out to a large field in his backyard that was set up with two soccer goals.

I was in shock, "You've got this all to yourself?"

"Yeah, wanna start practice?" he asked, looking back at me.

"Let's go get changed first."

He nodded and we both changed into a tee and shorts, retying our laces on our trainers securely before starting. Standing on an opposite side of the court, we gave each other doting grins before they turned into playful sneers.

"Let's see what you've got, Potter," he grinned, letting go of the soccer ball under his foot and moving to the penalty spot on his side.

"Bring your worst, Malfoy," I challenged, lunging towards him from my side.


	31. Playing the Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: The Clockmaker by Vexare
> 
> Discovered this song on a Will Graham (Hannibal) mv :3 !
> 
> The video is by ZenandInk if you're curious, though it's only part of the song.
> 
> An amv with the full version of the song will be included on my LiMH youtube playlist.
> 
> The account is TheLinkinpark50210 and it's called "Living In My Head fic playlist", it's usually updated before the chapters so you get a hint as to what will be in the upcoming chapters!

He got to the ball first, a large smile already formed on his face as he raced towards my side. I've seen this move before, the day I watched him at practice. I let out a laugh, kicking the ball towards me and making one quick kick towards the goal, falling on my back as it hits the net.

Score 1-0.

"Put any more oomph in that and you would've done one mean backflip," he muttered thoughtfully, retrieving the ball and putting it on his penalty line, me waiting in the middle of the field. I give him a dirty look and he grins, "Touch, touchy. Not your fault you're a wet floor sign waiting to happen."

I feel a grin of incredulity light up my face, "You're gonna regret that, Malfoy."

"Hit me with your best shot, Potter! If you don't fall on your ass first, that is!" he grinned, passing me with ease and making the goal. I frown, knowing his distractions are getting the better of me.

Score 1-1.

An hour later, we're still going strong, the witty comments dwindled away into excited huffs as we play keep-away, our scores tied at 16. The sweat rolled off our faces and down our backs, our knees covered in scrapes from too many slips on ice patches. The weather had gotten less chilled. Testing my luck with the hot breeze, I pulled off my shirt and tossed it in a patch of grass that managed to stay unmarred by snow. Draco stopped stretching his arms above his head and glanced over at me before his expression hardened and he took his shirt off too, walking over with the ball in-hand, and dropping his shirt on top of mine.

Suddenly, I gave him a sharp smirk, "Is that a challenge? Cuz that seemed like a 'just being fair' kind of token."

"It's whatever you want it to be, Harry." his breath ragged and uneven from the running. My face shot up to look at him as his face was slightly reddened from the exertion, his mouth parted as he exhaled and inhaled sharply.

My mind immediately went to the gutter, but I played it off, secretly memorizing the sound of the phrase and his facial expression as the words passed from his lips. I may need to remember that on a rainy day. I let a small grin surface, "Then a challenge, it is; let's get this show on the road."

"Fine by me."

We got back into position and began again, this time even more seriously than before. His kicks were relentless, he was far from going easy on me, and I ran faster than I ever had. I felt my breath go ragged and I feel free as the wind hits my face. Suddenly I stop and my throat feels like it's closing. I stop to try and catch my breath, willing myself not to panic and Draco puts his hand around my back.

"Come on... let's go inside. You need to rest."

I was too winded to argue as he picked up our shirts and lead me inside. The walk uphill seemed to take forever and the hot breeze no longer blowing, caused my sweat felt ice cold. I shivered and he pulled me tighter to him, putting his jacket around my shoulders.

Score 17-19, winner is Draco Malfoy due to early forfeiture, have a pleasant day.

...

The sun seemed to set unsettlingly fast as Draco helped me upstairs. I'd calmed down and my breaths were even but my legs felt shaky. Once we reached his room and he'd set me gently on the bed, the doorbell rang.

"I'll be right back."

I nodded limply as he cast one more unsure glance before bounding out of the room and down the stairs. I heard him talking some and yelling a thank you before he returned with several boxes in his arms.

"Your clothes, as well as mine, have arrived. If it were any other case, I'd be okay with you being in pajamas at the dinner table but," he paused, gauging the words before sighing them out, "my dad has this thing about it being against 'table etiquette' or something... In any case, pick out something from the clothes, if you need my help- since you still seem pretty weak- just ask."

I nodded, gently unwrapping his jacket from my shoulders and setting it down next to me. I watched him with drooped eyelids as he took off his pants and changed into fresh ones, taking a shirt from his closet shelf and turning to ask me something before he notices I'm watching.

"Like what you see, Harry?" he jokes weakly, crossing his arms as he leans into the frame of his closet door.

"What would you say if I did?" I know I'm getting too close, opening myself up way too much, but for some reason I feel like I could trust him. Trust him even with my life. My eyes move slowly from his bare chest to his eyes. His eyes look wide and something that looks like terror. Great. Fucking fantastic. I scared him off again.

"I'd say that you should refine your tastes to something for dignified." he says with a small smile, pulling on the shirt.

Well, damn. There goes my five-star view. "My tastes are refined as hell, so you know what, screw you." I say with a smile, my panic fading as I pull off my pants and pull on a pair I'd gotten today. Walking over to the drawers, I'm about to grab a tee when he looks at me with sad eyes. Oh, he wants me to wear a new shirt too. He did spend a lot of money on them, so I should be grateful and wear them. I pull a sweater on, fastening the cream-colored buttons slowly.

"Sorry," he mutters as he catches my eye, "it's just that you'd never hear the end of it if my dad saw your clothes were too big." I nod silently. "Can you walk alright?" I nod again, standing up gradually and we walk to the dining room for dinner.


	32. Actions I Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Already Over pt. 2 by Red

We head into the dining room only to find the table is already set and his parents are already eating. His mother gives Draco a small smile but his father doesn't spare him a glance, stabbing another piece of steak with his fork and putting it delicately in his mouth. I sit beside Draco, across from his father who gives Draco a foul look the second he sits down.

"Glad you finally joined us, Draco." The sound of that phrase sent shivers down my spine. His voice seemed so disgusted. Even Uncle Vernon never used that kind of acidic tone with me.

"Harry and I were changing, we had been playing soccer for the last few hours."

"Who won?" his tone was sharp and mockingly curious.

"I don't know, I wasn't keeping track-"

"Draco did, he won by two. We had planned to play longer but," I weighed my options and a white lie seemed the best way to go as Milton served dishes to Draco and I. It's not like I can come right out and tell them I had a panic attack for no rhyme or reason without being asked questions. "I could barely stand, I'm extremely out of shape, you know. Playing that long just about killed me."

I put a bite of steak in my mouth to end the subject. How can Mr. Malfoy just hork it down when it should be savored? Damn stupid, these rich people. I watch Draco eat slowly, a small smile on his face as he chews. God, Draco, don't smile like that. It's hard enough not jumping your bones when we're alone. As if he knew I was thinking about him, he gave my foot a light kick under the table.

No, we will not play footsie.

Kick.

Your parents are right there, Draco.

Kick.

Draco, stop it.

Kick-kick.

I gave him a look of exasperation and he grinned contentedly, taking a bite of his peas. Smug little shit. I put my arm under the table and pinch a bit of skin on his inner thigh. He lets out a small yelp, muffled by the spoon in his mouth, and I try to not react to it. We're acting like children. Very girlish children. His parents obviously didn't hear the noise because they don't even look up.

We finish dinner quietly with little to no incident, and when I'm about to stand to head back to Draco's room, Mr. Malfoy speaks up. "There's a party that starts after dinner tomorrow night, be sure to be showered, dressed, downstairs, and mingling when the party starts. That means no monopolizing each other, talk to other people too." That almost sounded like good humor, he really should work on that.

Draco nodded uncommittedly and once we reached his room, he gave me a strange look. "You lied to my dad earlier."

"No I didn't." I muttered, pulling off my shirt.

"What's the real reason you were so exhausted earlier?"

I felt myself freeze and goosebumps rise on my arms before I turned to face him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," he said sharply then stopped, clearing his throat and talking softer, "You were shaking... bad, and on top of that you had a really scared look in your eyes."

I wanted to say something, anything, to defend myself but nothing would come out of my mouth. I felt like I was gasping for something to say, something that would put ths both of us at ease, but nothing seemed to be in my grasp.

"I was just freaking out a little."

"Like at school?"

"It wasn't that severe but yeah."

"Was it a panic attack?" he asks gently, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I wanted to say no, but my mouth betrayed me. "It's not that big of a deal, I'm coping."

"Coping and living are two different things."

"Your dad doesn't like me very much, does he?"

"You're changing the subject."

"I mean I don't think I did anything particularly wrong, did I?"

"Harry."

"Then again, I am a scholarship kid with no dignity to my name."

"Harry..."

"He'd probably like me better if I'd bought my own clothes today."

"Harry!" his voice was sharp and I immediately regretted trying to change the subject. He looked hurt. "Please, tell me what's wrong."

"I remember too much and it's my biggest weakness. I see too much in people's eyes and voices and their intentions are much too clear to me, it freaks me out. I see my past and I can feel everything I did then. Then there's you, I never know what the hell you're thinking or trying to accomplish by helping a reject like me," without warning, I felt my eyes burn. "So tell me, what do you want from me?"

"I want the truth. I can never get close if you push me away or lie to me."

"I can't, not now..." my voice faded and he gave me a sympathetic look.

"I understand, you can tell me when you're ready."

I'm turning my back when he spins me around and hugs me. I'm close, our faces next to each other and his arms around my neck. I feel his heartbeat a little through his shirt. I wrap my arms around his back and pull him closer. We're too close, way too close. I can smell his cologne, something musky and a vague scent of new leather, and his deoderant. I'm glad I can't see his face because the utter bliss I'm in would show easily on my face.

"I'm here whenever you need me." he pulls back from me and looks at me before wiping the tears off my face with his palm.

I feel my insides twist and pull like taffy, I stare briefly into his eyes and before I know what I'm doing, I kiss him. I pull him close again, clinging to his shirt as I feel my tears start falling again. He doesn't kiss back, just standing there in shock. I pull away, my heart in pieces as I take off my pants, not even bothering to put pants over my boxers and crawl into bed. I hear his quiet footsteps as he leaves the room with some clothes and comes back a few minutes later. He gets in his bed, facing away from me and I feel so stupid for doing what I did. Who would love someone as broken as I am?

"Goodnight, Harry." his voice sounds unsure but not at all angry.

Tears of relief pour out as I try to hold my voice steady. "Goodnight, Draco. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

He forgives me, thank God. I don't know what I'd do if he never talked to me again. Or kicked me under the table, or played soccer with me, or hugged me, or looked at me with those beautiful grey eyes, or felt the warmth of his smile...

...shit, I'm in love with him.


	33. Recounting Old Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber

 

**_~Friday: Day 11~_ **

I wake up the next morning, Draco sound asleep in bed and I change quietly, pulling on a shirt as I walk onto the balcony. An oppressive feeling hangs over me and Tom's voice soon follows.

_Hey, so you finally kissed Prince Charming? Muy valiente, if I say so myself._

I turn to my left and I can see him as simply as if he were real, and he was just like I remembered from the night he murdered my parents. His hair was dark, curled slightly at the end, and he wore a black dress shirt and slacks, two buttons undone at the collar, his long and thin legs hanging between the banisters on the balcony railings and his hands folded thoughtfully in his lap. His smile was mischievous and he turned to look at me, his eyes as red as blood. No pupil, no iris, just a sea of red. That's not right. I know his eyes weren't red but they won't go away.

Your voice isn't scary, but your face sure is.

_Wow, glad I'm getting a warm welcome. Back to the issue. You kissed Draco._

I know, it was stupid.

_It was brave. One part brave, three parts fool, but brave nonetheless._

You seriously did not just quote Eragon.

_I'm full of surprises, now stop changing the subject._

I seem to be great at that.

_No kidding._

I shouldn't have done it, he'll be all weird around me now.

_He doesn't hate you, what more could you ask for?_

Reciprocation.

_That can't be too hard, he's simple-minded._

I don't think so. He's smart, educated, cultured, great at sports-

_Sounds like you're trying to sell him at retail price, Harry._

I give him a harsh glare but he has a contented smile on his face that almost reminded me of Draco's. Almost. I caught myself in the middle of checking him out, and looked back out onto the garden.

_I saw that._

You're part of my mind, of course my consciousness knows what I'm thinking.

I hear rustling and Draco walking around in the room, getting dressed most likely, I think as I catch sight of a dock to the inlet at the end of the property. My eyes glided through the backyard, past the flowers, down the dirt path to the gazebo, and past it down to a small entrance to the water through a tunnel of trees.

Tom, I'd like it very much if you'd stop visiting me, if you can call our talks that.

_Why is that? You're getting better, Harry. My voice, seeing me, that's much better than having a full-blown anxiety attack with the vomiting and panic fits, isn't it?_

You sound hurt.

_I am, believe it or not. I thought you were growing fond of me and I like our talks Harry. I was locked in your head a long time without anyone to talk to._

I don't like the panic attacks, sure, but you're a real pain in my ass.

"Oh, there you are, Harry." Draco said with a hint of surprise.

I couldn't smile at him, and his smile dropped as he sat beside me. Two feet away, just where Tom had sat. I tried not to notice. I tried not to focus on Draco's mouth, but last night remained dominant in my mind.

"The party will be starting pretty soon. We need to prepare."

"What kind of party?" I asked, looking back towards the water.

"The Christmas Eve party. I specifically asked my dad to make his work party on Christmas Eve so we can sleep in on Christmas Day."

"Oh, Christmas Eve is today?"

"Yeah," Draco gave me a puzzled look and then something flashed in his eyes, like something more important came to mind. "You didn't have any nightmares last night." It had a lilt at the end, formed to sound like a question but it definitely wasn't a question. He knew I didn't have nightmares, somehow.

"How do you figure that?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I watched you." The phrase was matter-of-fact and without emotion.

_Norman Bates, much?_  I could almost hear Tom say it and it sent a shiver down my spine.

"I was worried since you started acting  _different_  all of a sudden." He emphasized 'different' as I let out a visible shudder at the thought of Tom. He waited for me to speak, but I continued staring blankly towards the water. "Harry, you promised to tell me about your nightmare. I'd like to hear it now." I looked over at him and he scooted within a foot of me, eyes trained on me. "You promised."

His eyes drew me in and I wanted to kiss him again, to shut him up, but last night warded me from the thought. "My cousin... it's about my cousin." His eyes are focused intently on me, and it ushers me on. "I lived with my aunt, uncle, and cousin until I came to the academy. Lived with them since I was 3, because my parents died." I didn't elaborate on their deaths, and he didn't ask, so I continued.

"I didn't have any friends, my aunt and uncle made me do everything for them. I did their taxes once I was old enough to count, I did their cleaning once I could hold a mop, their meals when I could reach the stove, their dishes when I could reach the shelves, and Dudley took advantage of that around his friends. It wasn't that bad, I was entirely ignored by him in primary school and in secondary school, he pretended like he didn't know who I was in public and hid me in a cupboard under the stairs when his friends came over. Once we got back to his house from school, he'd make me do chores for him. It wasn't like he got assigned the chores in the first place, it was an unspoken rule that it was my job." I knew I was oversharing but I needed to get it out, to tell someone.

His upper lip curled inward and he bit on it, clearly in shock and I looked away in shame. "I remember this one time, I was sick with a nasty cold and was bedridden when I was ten, my aunt Petuna yelled at me for twenty minutes about being an... 'ungrateful, pathetic, worm of a child with no respect for authority'. She moved me from the small space in the attic, where I had to crawl just to move around- you couldn't even sit up straight, the space was so small- to the cupboard under the stairs as punishment." I spared a glance back at him, full of empathy in his eyes. No pity, only a vague understanding and it made a small smile creep up as I looked back to the water.

"It wasn't all bad. The cupboard was mine, and mine alone. There were times they had locked me in there, and I had to keep a bottle in there in case of such... situations, but I could finally have my own space. I kept some of Dudley's old toys that he put away in the attic, secretly of course, in my cupboard and I played with them. Sometimes I'd find books up there and hide them in the cupboard too. I wasn't allowed in the attic after I moved into the cupboard though, so I'd wait until they left for the farmer's market or the movies." I caught sight of the sun's reflection on the water and saw Draco from the corner of my eye, watching my every move.

"Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Dudley beat me up once high school started, since people found out about me, he needed to save face. Him and his friends would gang up on me when I'd walk past the park on the way home. He beat me up often and his friends would cheer him on, even jump in occasionally... This one time, they beat me unconscious and I woke up in the middle of the night, rain pouring down on me, covered in dried blood, still in the park. That's what my dream was about, that time he beat me up."

He smiled at me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close, "You've just gained a whole new level of respect from me, Potter." He put his chin in my hair, "You are so much stronger than I could've ever imagined." I felt sad, feeling so far from him, and I just wanted to revel in this comfort he gave me. God knows I won't get it from the Dursleys. Suddenly, he wrapped me tight in his arms and I felt his breath near my ear, "If only I could be as strong as you are."

The arms I'd held him desperately with loosened. I'm not strong, I can hardly keep from crying because I know we have no chance together. I heard a door open and Milton walked out, and still had an emotionless expression as Draco sprung back in embarrassment. "Oh, Milton, come to get us to help with preparations?"

"Would you like me to return later?" he asked pointedly, maybe even slightly amused.

"No, we'll head out now. Thank you, Milton." Draco stood, brushing off his clothes as nonchalantly as he could.

"Meet me at the great hall when you're ready."

I stood too, heading to the great hall with him, "Thanks for listening... you know, caring and all."

He shrugged it off with a smile. "Anytime you want to talk to me, about anything, I'll listen. No matter what it is."

"No matter what?"

I nodded and we walked in a pleasant silence to the great hall, putting up Christmas decorations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a doozy, almost 2,000 words!
> 
> Also, 'muy valiente' is Spanish for 'pretty brave,' I think, but I wouldn't count on it.
> 
> I took Japanese, not Spanish.
> 
> I am uploading this on a Friday, instead of my usual Sunday because.. well, I have a lot of personal stuff going on this weekend and I don't want to risk forgetting to post so, here it is. I will still be posting two Sundays (two days from the day of this update). Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	34. I Can Imagine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Trophy by CROSSES (†††)
> 
> Happy Christmas in October!

 

We found ourselves humming along to dreadful Christmas songs I'd always heard the Dursleys play while I was stuck in the attic (and later the cupboard). However, they felt different somehow. I hung a wreath over the fireplace, trying to make sure it was straight when I felt like a box of spider webs was dumped onto my head. I was about to let out a string of curses when I saw strands of shining green tinsel fall in front of my eyes. I grasped what was on my head and in my fingers and felt my tongue swipe across the inside of my lower lip in challenge. Oh, he's done it now.

Draco smiled a shit-eating grin across the room, stepping backwards quickly, "What? I didn't do that."

"Like hell, you didn't!" I laughed, throwing the tinsel at him and making a piece catch in his mouth.

He spit it out with distaste and that competitive smile returned, "Now it's war!"

Running around and grabbing tinsel, we threw it at each other until eventually he slipped and fell, causing us both to laugh loudly as we lost our breath. Soon, though, Draco's father strode in wearing a three-piece suit and disgusted expression. "Present yourself with dignity. Jesus, Draco, grow up."

I felt my heart sink as Draco's expression hardened and he bowed his head in shame. "Yes, father."

"While you're at it, clean all of  _this_  up and put it on the tree where it belongs." Lucius threw me a look of discomfort, not knowing if I'd caused the mess or not, and then returned his eyes to Draco. "The party starts in a little over an hour, since you've been goofing off in here all afternoon. The party will only be a few hours long, until 11, so be sure to make good use of that time. Draco, make sure that you and your friend are downstairs, dressed and ready ten minutes before the party starts. Draco, make sure you greet everyone at the door this time."

"Yes, father." Draco said reluctantly, looking at me from the corner of his eye. I tried to send off vibes to reassure him but I could not do much with my eyes glued to Lucius' face.

"Mr. Potter," he said cordially.

"Harry is fine."

"Mr. Potter," he continued, "You may roam the party freely, seeing as you are a guest in my home. However, be well aware that these guests are people whom I work with and you need to be on your best behavior. You will not tell them anything about yourself and you will not ask, am I making myself quite clear to you?"

"Crystal." I responded automatically, feeling Tom pulling at the strings in my mind, begging me to say something out of line. Something to wipe the look of shame and embarrassment off of Draco's face.

He gave a wry smile, obviously surprised at my obedience. "Good, I'm glad Draco is making a friend who knows his place." With that, he adjusted his bow tie and walked away, adjusting the band tying back his long hair. "Dinner is in a half hour, be there on time because as soon as we finish the doorbell will be ringing." There was silence hanging between Draco and I until the sound of his father's shoes eventually faded away.

"I'm sorry about that, Harry. I told you, he-"

"It's fine," I told him, my hand patting his shoulder before getting onto my haunches to scoop the tinsel into my hands. "I'm used to being talked down to, remember?"

He opened his mouth to say something and then snapped it shut, his nostrils flaring as he turned his back to me and picked up tinsel. He's obviously angry with me for some reason. I'll just wait it out, I guess.

Once we collect the tinsel and place it haphazardly all over the immaculately-decorated tree, no doubt Milton's doing, we head up to Draco's bedroom and collect our suits from their boxes that had apparently been delivered while Draco and I had been decorating the hardwood floor with green tinsel. I cast a glance in Draco's general direction as I peeled my shirt off. He pursed his lips, rolling his shoulders; he swung his neck in a circle and winced painfully, no doubt from the constant reaching he'd had to do when decorating.

"Take off your shirt." I told him, surprising myself. He cocked his eyebrow but pulled it off and faced me. "What're you facing me for?" I laughed, twirling my finger as a signal for him to turn around. He slowly turned around and I felt my cheeks heat up a little. "Sit on the bed. I can't give you a massage standing up."

"I didn't ask for-" he turned to me, and I felt heat curl in my gut at the sight of his flustered expression.

"It's the least I can do. Go on." I told him, gently pressing his shoulders down and sitting him on the edge of the bed. I climbed behind him and slowly placed my hands back on his trap muscles, feeling the warmth of his skin. So smooth. I felt him tense and I dug my thumbs into the back of the muscle, rubbing hard circles into it. He let out a pained yelp and I felt a flicker, a spark, in the pit of my stomach. "It'll hurt before it'll feel better."

"I know. Dig deeper if you can."

"I'll try," I told him, "but the muscles are really tense."

He nodded and I continued massaging his shoulders, letting my hands slide across his skin occasionally, but not long enough to be suspicious. I moved my hands to massage between his shoulder blades with my fingertips and he let out a surprised, breathy moan that sent shivers down my spine. Jesus, please don't do that again. Don't think I can handle another one of those.

"Sorry, it just hurts."

"I know." I told him, taking a glance at the clock. "Sorry, but we don't have much longer to get ready."

He opened his eyes and looked to the clock, nodding in agreement, "You're right. Thanks for that, I really needed it."

"No problem." I told him, taking off my pants and pulling on my tuxedo pants.

He stood slowly, not looking at me. "Let me know if you need help with anything."

"Sure."

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Talk to the guests, they don't bite."

I laughed, shaking my head and finishing getting dressed. Trying, in vain, to fix what I could of my permanent bedhead as I looked in the mirror. Draco looked perfect as he stepped behind me to fluff his hair in the mirror.

In my head, I could imagine leaning back against him. I could imagine him putting his arms around me as I reach around his neck, pressing a playful kiss to the vein visible in his neck. But I didn't do any of those things.

I adjusted my tie, gave him a polite smile, and we made our way to the dining table to have a meal before the party started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STILL have a contest going on for fan art if anyone wants to enter. ALL entries will be posted on the most recent update after entry and I need a new cover art so PLEASE enter my contest.


	35. Skipping the Pleasantries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Never Say Goodbye by Hayley Westenra
> 
> Jeeeeeeez, these chapters end up getting way too long. I didn't think he'd be talking with Milton that long but what can ya do.

The dinner itself was quiet, without words spoken. No eye contact was made. No words exchanged. Nothing. Draco's mother was dressed in a lavish evening down and she ate quietly, not even creating a slurping sound as she drank the soup from her spoon. Lucius ate pieces of bread but no soup. Draco and I ate both as quickly as we could without seeming too awkward. Draco finished first, the doorbell ringing right after he finished what remained of his bread.

"Take your time eating, roam the house if you'd like." he whispered to me as he pretended to dab at his mouth with his napkin. I nodded subtly and he pushed back his chair quickly, dashing for the door.

Lucius rose from his seat, "Come, Narcissa." She placed her spoon in her bowl and stood with him, taking his arm as he led her past me and towards the grand hall.

"Don't forget to have fun, Harry." she smiled meekly, her eyes turning cold again as they faced forward.

Lifestyle of the rich and infamous: hard-boiled, emotionless, and without a care in the world… What a  _great_  thing to aim for in life. I shrug off my cynicism and push my chair back as Milton begins collecting the plates slowly and carefully. I hear Lucius talking grandiosely with a co-worker and Draco's voice occasionally butting in at certain cues. I turn my eyes back to Milton and collect the dishes with him. He jumps slightly, looking uncomfortable, and I send him a small grin.

"I won't tell if you won't."

He exhales through his nose, sounding vaguely like a laugh, and nods as we go over to the kitchen. He takes off his suit jacket and lays it on the counter, and then he unbuttons his cuffs and gingerly rolls up the sleeves above his elbows before sending me a friendly smile, the lines around his mouth and forehead wrinkle pleasantly, age even more evident on his face.

"You should dry, I'll wash." I nodded, taking a dish towel from his hand and waiting for him to finish a dish. He was quick, washing them thoroughly and only in idle concentration. "So," he started, not looking at me. "Why did you offer to help with the dishes? Master Draco's friends have never asked before, but I suppose he doesn't have any friends like you." The phrase was innocent enough but he had a smile on his face, as though trying to suppress a smile. He swiped his lips briefly across the underside of his canines and grinned. "So how long have you two been seeing each other?"

"Seeing each other?"

"Don't play coy, Mr. Potter. I may be old, but I'm not dumb."

I laughed awkwardly, almost dropping the plate I was drying. "I have no clue what you mean. Draco and I aren't- I mean, he's not…" I give him a strange, sideways hand-waving gesture, "You know. Gay."

He seemed to be taken aback and nodded his head dutifully, "You're right. I was reading too deeply into things."

I let my curiosity get the better of me, "Why did you think we were… you know?"

"You mean other than the hug I saw this morning, or the embracing I saw going on when I came to check on you two the other night while you two slept?"

I felt my face turn bright red, "We didn't-" my voice raised a little too loud, another small group of voices joining the other guests. " _embrace."_ I hiss, fighting down my embarrassment. "I was having a really bad nightmare and he came to comfort me."

"Sounds fairly intimate to me, if you don't mind me saying so," he drained the water, washed suds off his arms, and dried them before rolling his sleeves down again. "You should join the party, only a few more families left and it would be scandalous if you were caught in here talking to a servant and doing dishes."

"I see no reason why it would be shameful but," I hear multiple voices and the door close with finality as Lucius makes a comment about everyone having already arrived, to let the party begin. "I should go. I'll talk to you later, Milton."

"Call me Dobby," he told me with a smile, his green eyes lighting up. "My name is Milton Dobbinson, but…" His mind drifts for a moment before his smile returns. "I prefer Dobby."

I nod, "See you later, Dobby." I stop, peeking my head back in through the dining room archway. "Call me Harry."

"Alright… See you later, Master Harry."

I slide in through a connector of the dining hall to the foyer and walk into the main hall, appearing as if I'd just came from upstairs. I look around in search for Draco but he's speaking with an older gentleman with a rat-like face, brown eyes, cropped straw-colored hair, and a tattoo on the inside of his arm. I looked away quickly as his tongue swiped quickly between his lips, wetting them. He gives me the creeps. I looked around and found a boy a few years older than me leaning against a doorframe, his expression unamused by the awful Christmas music he was tapping his foot along to.

"You're doing a good job holding up that wall." I tell him, which earns a smile.

"Well, hello." He gives me a winning smile and I almost swoon. His eyes are grey, but a darker shade than Draco's, his hair a mousy brown, and a nose that's a little too big for his face. Altogether, though, he's adorable.

"I'm glad you enjoy the Christmas music." I say with a laugh and he rolls his eyes, "I wouldn't mind it so much if my dad didn't play it the entire month of December."

"So he's one of those." I say in understanding, leaning against the wall next to him.

"This party is really lame." He huffs, running his fingers through his hair and unbuttoning the front of his suit jacket. "All everyone does is talk about their jobs, talk about their perfect kids, and talk about how much money they have."

"Aren't you one of those perfect kids?" I ask jokingly and he shrugs, "Not really. I mean, I get good grades at college, make my dad proud as he wastes money on my tuition, but I'm not a saint."

"I guess I pegged you wrong, then."

He tilts his head, a smirk turning the right corner of his mouth when I catch sight of Draco talking to Blaise from the corner of my eye. Through my line of sight, with the help of some coincidentally well-placed mirrors, I can see Blaise running his thumb across Draco's cheek, over his jaw, and down his neck. I turn my eyes away, thinking it my imagination, and look back at the guy beside me.

"I'm Harry," I offer, hoping a conversation would get Draco out of my mind.

"Cedric." He offers with a laugh at my weak attempt to start a conversation and I want to smile with him because  _damn,_ that smile is infectious.

I look up again and see Draco in the corner of my eye again, being pushed against the wall by Blaise and I turn my eyes away, feeling hurt despite not having a real relationship with Draco. "Hey, Cedric, wanna head into one of the smaller rooms? Away from all the people?"

Something flickers in his eyes and he agrees, leading me into a hallway by the kitchen. "So," he starts, sitting down on the floor. "I've never seen you at the last couple Malfoy-sponsored events I've been to."

"I just came to know them recently." I offer, glad that I'm not lying entirely.

"That's a really nice suit." He tells me, taking a bit of the hem between his thumb and forefinger, swirling circles over it. Suddenly, I feel extremely uncomfortable, anxious, and I feel like throwing up. He seems to sense my distress and moves his hand, "Sorry. I've been told I'm not all that great at gauging personal space."

I'm about to tell him that he wasn't the reason I was panicking when I hear Lucius make an announcement, "Thank you all for joining us on this wonderful holiday. I hope you all get home in good time to get some rest before tomorrow. Have a great night, everyone."

Cedric seems disappointed as he stands, "Well, I'll give you my number and we can just text." I almost tell him I don't have a phone but I catch myself, I can convince Severus to get me one since the request is far from unreasonable. "If I tell you my number, think you can remember it?" I nod, he rattles off the number quickly upon hearing what I presume to be his dad's voice. "Great talking to you, Harry."

I stuff my hands in my pockets, walking slowly up the stairs and walking in to see Draco with his head in his hands. I close the door behind me and his eyes light up as he looks up and realized it's me. "Harry, you're here. I've got something for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> So how many of you realized Dobby and Milton were the same person?


	36. For My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: All I Want for Christmas Is You by Michael Bublé

"For me?" I asked, watching as he fidgeted where he sat. I pulled a pair of shorts and one of my large tees from the drawer, my eyes watching as he came around behind me and stood at my side.

"Of course, I did say it was for you, after all." He watches me nervously, popping his fingers with his thumb in an awkward tick.

"Well, what is it?" I ask, it coming off more condescending than curious. I take off my suit jacket and lay it across the top of the dresser, unbuttoning my dress shirt and taking it off before realizing he's staring way too intently at his feet to be normal. "What cat's got your tongue?"

"It's just, I'm kind of wondering if you'll even like the present since I didn't even consult you before getting it."

My tee shirt held in my hands, I bump my elbow into his arm, causing his head to shoot up as he looked at me. "I'm sure I'd like it more if you didn't hold me in suspense."

He smiles again, flushing, as he runs off to his closet and fishes a box from the bottom of his closet. "I saw you looking at it and I guessed you may be going back later to get it but I didn't know for sure. I knew it would look great on you so," his face steadily got more red as he swept his hair from his eyes and opened the box, holding up the suit I saw when I was shopping with Hermione. "I took the liberty of getting it for you. I hope you aren't upset with me."

My eyes settle on it and I almost feel like crying tears of joy. I pull on the shirt in my hands and stride over to him, running my thumb over the material thoughtfully. As though I was hit in the gut, tears prick the corners of my eyes and I find myself crying between trying to smile. Draco looks at me sadly, putting the suit back in the box.

"I'm sorry, I probably seem like a creep. Tracking down the suit and all. I just, I really wanted this Christmas to be special for you, Harry."

I choked a bit, before wiping at my face with my arm. "You don't know how happy I am right now." He looks at me with confusion before I dab at my eyes with the heel of my hand. "This is my first real Christmas, my first real birthday present," I almost said 'with the person I love' but the words caught in my throat upon realization of almost saying it out loud. "with one of my first real friends. I can never thank you enough."

"That's actually not all of the present..." Draco dwindled off, his eyes dimming for a moment before he went back to the closet and pulled out an acoustic guitar. "I promised I'd play for you." He took the guitar from its case and slung the band around him and moved the guitar to swing down on his back as he gripped my shoulders and pushed me onto the bed. "Sorry, it's just, I've never played for anyone before."

I wiped the last of my tears and smiled at him, my voice a little wavering, "I'm positive it'll be amazing."

He smiles,  _really smiles_ , and nods. "I actually just recently learned this song so I could play it for you, it's a bit last minute and I had little to no time to practice, and I only know part of it-"

"Draco!" I chide with a laugh, "Spit it out!"

"Right." he said, smiling as he took a shaky breath. When he started playing, my heart felt light as his fingers glided up and down the neck of the guitar. "I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need." He sang slow, letting the words drag out as his voice shook slightly, strumming the guitar confidently, in spite of his voice. "I don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree."

He kept glancing up at me, looking for a sign of approval, but the second he'd look up, he'd glance right back down to his fingers strumming the guitar. "I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know." He looks at me with finality, his face beet red as he sings to me, his playing stopping as he pulled the guitar from his shoulders, setting it shakily against the wall. He smiles, as though his heart is on his sleeve and sings the final lines.

"Make my wish come true," Draco grabbed my hands, holding them as I could feel his hands shaking as a replacement for the unsure confidence he now held in his voice. "All I want for Christmas is you." The final, passionate words left his lips and I was frozen in place. He learned this song for me? This song in particular? Is it too hopeful to think this means... what I hope it means?

"Draco?"

"Yeah, Harry?" he looked at me with affection, a look I felt stupid for never realizing before.

"Since when?"

"How long have I liked you?" he asked with a laugh, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles in what seemed to be a nervous tick. "Love at first sight?" he tried, smiling. I looked at him skeptically, and he entwined his fingers in mine, "Ok, the truth: I felt attracted to you since the first time I met you but I realized I liked you more than just an attraction was the night I bumped into you in the hall. I couldn't sleep, I was just so worried about you and it kinda hit me. I went to go check on you while you were asleep, so you wouldn't know I was worried but-" he snorts, "I'll be damned if I didn't bump into you. I don't love you Harry, not yet, but I know I can if you let me. Please, let me."

It sounds as if it was taken from a terribly written fan fiction but it still left me weak in the knees. I see him move slowly towards me, leaning in to kiss me and I know I shouldn't, but I close my eyes and let him. He takes his free hand and touched my neck, rubbing his thumb against the line of my jaw as he deepened the kiss and I felt myself begin to panic as I heard Tom scoff, my eyes shooting open as I see him standing behind Draco with a look of pure hatred on his face.

Please, no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually never heard this song (any version of it, actually) until I was trying to find a song for this fic. xD
> 
> Originally, this scene was going to happen about 5 chapters ago but the scenes just kept getting longer and longer and certain things had to happen first and- ugh- just, yeah.


	37. A Modest Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Black (Acoustic) by Sevendust
> 
> P.S. I love the satire my title is named after, read it! lol

Tom moved from his place in the corner, striding towards me and whispering in my ear in a tone that was sickeningly sweet.

_After you saw him dry fucking a guy in the hallway? Harry, you should really have more self-respect._

I push Draco off me, my breath starting to go ragged as he watched me with fear in his eyes that were no doubt mirrored in mine. The inability to breathe. I felt my heart race as my eyes widened in shock as tears clouded my eyes. I'm crying? Tom reached his hand out to touch my cheek and I feel no hand there, though I can see it as plain as day.

_Harry, he told you to stay away from Blaise because he didn't want you to know you are his side-boy, his second best._

I felt myself shake involuntarily, why am I like this? Nothing even really triggered it. It just came forth all of a sudden. No warning. A wave of fear washed over me and I felt my throat seem to close. Panicking, I lean into myself and sit with my knees under my chin as I cover my mouth with my palm. Draco watches me with hurt in his eyes, no doubt feeling guilty, thinking he triggered it. Tom isn't real, he isn't real.

_He did trigger it, he's the one who's sleeping around. He's the one who just wanted a pretty little piece of you until he got bored and he threw you away._

My breath is erratic but strangely silent as I shake violently. Why is this happening? Why now? Why in front of him? God, I feel so weak. I raise my eyes and he looks so scared, so fearful, almost as scared as I am. Tom stands directly beside him, and I'm feeling them to be achingly similar. I'm sorry, Draco, I wish you didn't have to see this. If only I could hold it in. I don't want to be this weak. God, I'm so useless. Why me? I glance back up at Draco and the hysteria intensifies, this was not what I signed up for.

_Now, Harry, let's not be dramatic. Just tell him he isn't any dog shit worth stepping in._

I'm going insane here. My heart is pounding and I can't even feel my face anymore. I absently wipe at my face, slick with tears. My expression is twisted, distorted, as I look up at him staring back at me in a mixture of concern and pure fear. This is the worst thing that could've happened to me. He's scared of me. Who will I have now? Reaching out his hand tentatively, he ruffles my hair gently. My thoughts came one at a time, passing quickly through my mind like a dam bursting. His thumb rubbed softly down a portion of hair that covered the scar on my forehead.

"I'll be right back, Harry. Wait here." He doesn't wait for my approval, but I nod anyway as he leaves the room and closes the door behind him. I calm down slowly as Tom's voice drones on and on, I do my best to ignore it while staring straight into his face. I feel my shoulders slump a bit in relief as the nerves die down. Draco and Tom hardly look anything alike, especially now that I've calmed down and gotten a good look. When Draco smiles, his features soften and he always glances down a little, unsure of the expression, while Tom is all too aware of himself, his smile always held together with a sinister twinge.

_You aren't listening to me, Harry, you're zoning out again._

Anything to not hear your squawking, Riddle.

_Oh, Harry, back to a last-name basis? How tragic. Don't do that, Harry. We're friends._

Friends?! You killed my parents!

 _The devil's in the details, Harry. The devil's,_  he paused with a toothy grin,  _in the details._

With a parting wave, Tom walked past Draco as he walked in, disappearing through the door like a phantom.

Draco sighed, handing me a glass of water, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have swooped in like that, I probably freaked you out."

"I kissed you first," I add quietly.

"You did, and-" Draco smiled nervously, "I really liked it. I was just in shock. I mean, I was pining after you and I thought you had absolutely no interest in me, so I was really surprised and kind of bummed because you stole a bit of my thunder by jumping in first."

"I loved the presents, regardless."

"So what about me?"

I smiled morosely, "I didn't get you a present."

As quickly as I said it, he got a small smile on his face, "Well, I told you what I wanted. How about it, Potter?"

My eyes flick up immediately after he says it and I feel my face heat up, "You mean me?"

"Of course, you. Let's go on a date, a real one, and that'll be my Christmas present, okay?"

I feel my insides twist as I laugh nervously, "I've never been on a date before."

"I have a few times, so no worries. I'll take care of everything." his smile should've consoled me but it reminded me of what he did with Blaise just a few hours before.

Even so, I still felt my eyes tugging to look at his mouth, and his voice interrupted my thoughts. His face, now composed, leaned his head down and sideways so he could look me in the eyes from my spot on the bed. I felt my heartbeat immediately jump into my throat.

"Want to try it again? We can go slower this time. You can take the reigns, just," he exhales, "Just one kiss. Please."

I scoot back a foot or two from the edge of the side of the bed and he crawls up and sits a few inches from me, our knees touching. Leaning his forehead against mine, watching me as he intertwined our fingers, his other hand just curls into holding mine. I feel the seconds pass as he watches me, absolutely content with nothing other than staring into my eyes.

I forget about Blaise, I forget about Tom, I forget about my parents and Severus, I forget about everything and everyone, because I deserve one good thing to happen to me right in this moment. Draco leans in slowly and kisses my cheek, pulling back and I give him a look.

"What, no lip action?"

"You panicked last time..." Draco mutters, considerate but only slightly bitter.

"That won't happen this time... You just," I searched my mind for an excuse, "You went too fast. I'm not good at this whole kissing thing. It's all new to me."

"Fucking liar," he says with a deadpan expression.

I feel nervous, is this all a nightmare? A fantasy I created in my sleep? Did I not even wake up this morning?

"You're a dream," he clarifies, moving the hand loosely holding mine and tilting my chin up, "As for the kissing, you are not half bad. Far from terrible."

"Jesus, say what you mean the first time." I'm half joking, but glad this isn't a dream. I'm starting to get used to Draco being around, I don't know what I'd do with myself if he were to disappear.

"As you wish," he whispers, smiling before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine.

After a few seconds of the kiss, I was breathless and pulled my face from his. It had only been mouth to mouth, but I still felt giddy. I made a lame excuse about needing to get dressed that made Draco chuckle, watching me as I put on a shirt (finally) and changed into my sleeping shorts. I felt his eyes on my back and turned quickly, only to see him striding out of the room, pajamas in hand.

By the time he comes back, I'm already in his bed, curled up under the covers. I feel his body sink the foam mattress before I hear him, he keeps himself as an arm's length but leans into my ear, pressing a small kiss to my neck.

"Merry Christmas, Harry."


	38. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N
> 
> Chapter Song: Red by Colin 'Booglain' Webster
> 
> This one actually has a reggae sound but I still thought it fit well so *shrug* here it is.

**_ ~Saturday: Day 12~ _ **

As morning comes, I find myself staring at the ceiling; counting the swirls in the paint overhead. I feel Draco beside me, his arm wrapped around my stomach and I feel disgusting. I feel as though I'm leading it on, making this bigger than what it should be- just a little crush with the perfect match. I glance at him, his mouth hanging open slightly, small snores escaping his lips and I want to laugh but the feeling draws my eyes back up to the ceiling as my eyes turn from somber to sad.

This is so fucked up, I tell myself, squeezing my eyes shut.

Suddenly, the day I bit Neville's head off about asking out Luna came to mind. It's as if someone had 'flipped the switch' in a Jekyll and Hyde type of madness, but the madness was my own. Stressed, angry, and tired of hearing Tom's voice whispering in my ear; in that moment I felt like I was becoming just like Tom and the concept it put me into hysterics. Am I really getting better? Or is Draco making all of this worse? Only that one instance had I spoken as though I wasn't even there anymore, but with Tom making so many appearances, it makes me unsure as to whether or not he's lying to me- I, in turn, lying to myself- am I really improving?

Draco's eyes open wearily and he blinks them a few times before looking up at me, yawning. His neck shifts on my arm, my arm a point far past numb, and he seems to debate internally whether or not he should apologize for waking up, clinging to me. A sleepy smile overcomes him and he pulls me closer, deciding against the apology.

"Good morning." he says thickly, eyes closed as he stretches his legs.

"Are you always this clingy?" I ask light-heartedly, trying to get my mind off of Tom for a brief second.

"Only in bed," he says seriously, then breaks into a fit of giggles. "Sorry, I'm kind of slap-happy when I first wake up."

"It's fine," I tell him, holding back a comment on how adorable he is at that moment. "So about today-"

"Our date is today."

"Right, well- uhm- what will we be doing?"

"It depends on whether you want something out of The Notebook or if you want something less embarrassing." I give him a look and he laughs, playing with the hem of my left sleeve, "First option involves going out on the water in the row boat and having dinner in the town, the latter being we go out and get you some necessities, like a couple of good books, exploring new things, and a new mp3 player- I saw your old one and it barely held 25 songs, it's got to go."

I almost try to defend the mp3 hidden in the bottom of my bag but I swallow it down, he has a point. It was Dudley's when he was 7, and I'm pretty sick of hand-me-downs, even if that makes me owe Draco, I'll take him up on his offer. What do I have to lose? I tell him I choose the second option, which he nods at and moves his head to my chest, whispering something like 'let's stay like this... just a little bit longer'.

After I took a nap, I woke up to find Draco messing with the hem of my shirt again, and I am about to call him out on it when he smiles at me like he knew I was watching. How strange. Then his smile goes a little limp.

"I wanted to go out today because I have to leave with my dad on a business trip early tomorrow morning and I'll be back in time for New Years Eve."

"I'll be alone here for six days?"

"No, of course not... Milton will be here, so will my mother. My father told me last night, it was all of a sudden. If I'd known-"

I shake my head, "It's fine... We'll have to be back to school on the third, anyway, then, the Tri-Way will start. I'll just practice while you're gone."

"In this cold weather?"

"If I can play in the cold, I can play in the indoor soccer field."

He nods in understanding and slips away, getting up to get dressed and I feel myself missing the weight of his head on my chest. I watch him as he goes through the daily routine of getting his clothes and going into the nearby bathroom, changing out of sight. I suddenly feel just slightly conscious of the fact I am the only one of the two of us who doesn't mind changing in front of the other. I sigh, knowing I'm overthinking again, so I sigh and rise to my feet, pulling on a new pair of blue jeans and a maroon-colored tee. I stride to the mirror, running my fingers through my hair and managing it to be half-decent.

On the way to the door, I run into Draco who's styled his hair just a tad more than usual and I smell cologne waft into my nose and I feel myself smile as he squirms awkwardly.

"You're excited," I pointed out. "Oh, and you look great, by the way."

He smiled smugly, "Of course, are you impressed?"

"Undoubtedly," I say with a playful smile, rolling my eyes.

"I'll tell my folks we're going out," he tells me, walking me down the hall towards the sitting room.

"You mean like 'going out' or ' _going out'_?"

"It's one date, we aren't going out yet." He laughed, shrugging me off for a second as he peeped his head into the room, telling his father we were going into town for a few hours, to which he muttered some reply. I tried to ignore the  _yet_ in his sentence, all the while. He hadn't even thought about it when he said it, but it made my stomach twist.

I'm definitely in over my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> This is the first of the two-part serial update for the Yule Season!
> 
> Thanks for a great 2 years, you guys!


	39. The First Date (Part 1 of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Falling into You by Turn Off the Stars

Our walk outside was quiet, and when I walked towards the motorcycle he nudged me away, "We're taking the truck." I shrugged, not questioning it until he pushed me forward towards the driver's seat.

I was about to object but I figured that I might as well considering he's paying, I might as well humor him.

The drive was relatively short and not entirely unpleasant but I always felt Draco watching me with sad eyes but I didn't want to breach the subject. Especially if it involved the episode with Tom. I woke up feeling terrible that I'd kissed him because now I've given him hope that this, whatever this is, will work out between us and now I'm terrified. I give him a look and he gets up from the diner booth opposite from me and sits beside me, waiting on our food.

"Harry, talk to me. I feel like there's something you aren't telling me." he looks genuinely concerned but I don't want to tell him about Tom. If this has any chance of working, Tom cannot be involved. He just can't.

"It's nothing you need to worry about." No sooner than I say so, a huge plate of bacon and pancakes are set in front of me and a plate full of fruit and a bowl of yogurt in front of Draco.

"I won't push you," he told me, taking his fork and stabbing a piece of pineapple, "but I want to be entirely honest with you and I can't do that if you don't trust me."

"Would you promise that what I tell you would stay between us? Very few people know and if anyone else knew... things could change for me at school and I don't want that to happen."

"Of course, I understand completely." Draco answered, eating the piece of pineapple after swirling it in his vanilla yogurt. "Tell me when you're ready."

"I'll tell you tonight, so while you're gone... you can decide whether or not you still want to date me."

"Whatever it is," he said quickly, moving his right hand to hold my left, "it won't change how I feel."

"How  _do_  you feel, exactly?"

He sputtered a little, blushing, "I  _feel_ that I want to be with you and I want us to work out. I like you, Harry, and I want you to be happy, even if it's not necessarily with me."

He's a good guy and he's given me more than one chance, I just hope he can be patient with me. I entwine our fingers and squeeze his hand, my face red as I keep my eyes down as we both try to eat with only one hand.

* * *

We leave the diner and it's midday, thanks to the all-day serving of breakfast we still managed to eat our breakfasts instead of lunch. Still holding my hand, he leads me to a small alley with a bookstore at the end.

"Obscurus... Books?" I ask and he nods, "It seems cool and all but the alley is right next to a joke shop?"

"Don't judge a book by it's cover... or a shop by it's storefront location. Come on, they have great stuff in here."

I follow him inside, immediately being hit with the smell of incense, smoking tobacco, and an underlying scent of vanilla. The books are everywhere.   
  
Everything in sight is covered with shelved books; the old wooden stairs have shelves under each step and along the staircase, the door frames have books over the top on a shelf, and the walls themselves are lined floor to ceiling with full bookshelves.

I'm awestruck as he leads me to the stairs and takes me to the top. There, resides a man who I can only describe as "nutty", an older man with long white hair that is tied back in a ribbon as he reads a book on a tall chair behind his desk. Reaching the top of the stairs, he smiles at us and his smile gets even warmer when he notices me.

"Draco, you've brought a friend."

"Actually, Garrick, this is my date: Harry Potter."

The man's eyes flicker in bewilderment before his smile returns, although less heartfelt as he closes his book and stands in front of us. "So, Mr. Potter, what kind of books are you here for?"

"I'm not entirely sure."

"Well, name a few you've enjoyed in the past."

"Uh," I try to remember to books I'd read in school I'd liked, it's not like Dudley ever picked one up without pictures in it. "I liked Frankenstein, The Great Gatsby, Heart of Darkness, The Awakening, and Dante's Inferno."

"The classics, huh?" the man smiles and looks between the two of us, "I think I've got the perfect one for you."

We make our way down the stairs and through the stacks of books, winding through the isles, when Draco strikes up a conversation, "Mr. Ollivander has got the best memory of anyone. He remembers everything he's read, he's probably got a photographic memory like you do, Harry."

"Oh, you do too?" Garrick asked over his shoulder, climbing a sliding ladder to reach a worn book on the tallest shelf. "In that case, you should read some of Draco's books. He's gotten some of the best from this store, in my personal opinion. He has great taste."

"I thought you told me your dad wanted you to read the classics," I look at him suspiciously and he blushes, scuffing his foot against the cement floor.

"I just didn't want you to think I was weird."

"Uh, reading is an attractive trait to me." I say with a smile, "Maybe I'll read some of your books while we're gone, maybe we can talk about them together."

I hear Garrick clear his throat from behind me and stutter out a thank you, Draco immediately changing the subject when we head back towards the stairs to check out.

"Garrick, did you ever find any new books for me in your latest shipment?"

"No, but... I think there's one in my personal collection that may pique your interest. I'll ring it up with this one."

Draco nods and the books are immediately put in a plastic bag, Garrick taking a post-it note and writing down the prices, on his own copy he writes the titles of the book and puts it in a shoe box behind his desk. We thank him, heading out of the alley which is dark from the towering buildings, shadows covering most of the alleyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> The bookstore above is modeled after a bookstore called "Shakespeare and Company" in France, you can find loads of pictures online. The name of the bookstore itself (Obscurus Books) was in Harry Potter but was a publishing company.
> 
> Also, this is the final serial update for the Yule Season!
> 
> Expect the next update in two weeks, per usual!


	40. The First Date (Part 2 of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: How Did You Know? by The Seeking
> 
> SO, I had ANOTHER problem with this chapter getting deleted by the server. Oh joy. This is a rewrite. I hope it's as good as the original was.

The exit brings in a wave of light and mild activity, the world suddenly losing the quiet that was in the shop, all of the buildings equally historic and beautiful.

"What're you grinning for?" I ask, making his smile grow as we walk back onto the main street, heading where I guess the electronics store is in this district.

"I find it amusing how he never tells me what book I'm buying. He just picks them for me and I find out when I get home."

"You never check to see if you already have one at home?"

"I never do. He remembers."

"How does he know what you'll like?" I ask, making his smile grow as we walk back onto the main street, heading where I guess the electronics store is in this district.

"I guess he just follows the pattern of what I like and chooses from all the books he has that fits the profile."

"That's awesome."

"Yeah. Come on, we've got to buy you an mp3 and some music to put on it."

"Are you going to make me get a green and black one?"

"Just for that comment? Yes. It is now set in stone and it's all your fault."

"You suck."

Draco laughed at my scrunched face and wraps his arm around my waist, earning giggles from a couple hipster girls in front of the store. He winks at them and they giggle even more. I pinch his side and he yelps.

"Don't encourage them." I whisper and he laughs through his nose, leading me to the back of the store.

He finds a touch-screen mp3, gets a seemingly-bullet-proof case for it (green and black, as promised), against my insistence of getting something cheaper.

"This is for you, I'm not going to be cheap about it. Plus, I have the money."

After he buys it, we go into a music area in the back corner and he puts headphones on my head. I sort through random tracks for a couple seconds before I feel him invade my personal space again. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he watches my screen over my shoulder with his chin on my shoulder. He presses his nose to my neck and I see him close his eyes in the reflection of the screen.

I'm happy about the contact. Too happy. It seems unreal. I'm so happy and it terrifies me to think it can just as easily disappear.

I settle on a song in the alternative rock genre and let it play, feeling Draco's hands shift the hem of my shirt just slightly so his hands rest on my stomach, under my shirt. As I lean my head back against his shoulder, I feel my heart swell, then tighten. How long will this last? I feel like crying, but I turn my head to face him as he watches me curiously from the corner of his eye. I have to tell him. I press a kiss under his earlobe and at the crook of his jaw, leaning my head against his as my eyes slip closed. I have to tell him.

I have to tell him about Tom, about everything.

His eyes turn to me and I feel his gaze linger, I open my eyes and the affection in his eyes wrenches my heart. I take the headphones off and turn to him, hugging him tight and burying my face in his neck. I don't cry, not in public like this, but I feel so safe right now that I probably could cry and not feel ashamed. I kiss his neck softly, and his pulse races, his arms tightening around me. He knows I'm scared and I think he is too. He must be just as terrified as I am.

We barely know each other and yet we've already grown so close, gotten so dependent on the other's company. I think we're both terrified of being torn apart and what I tell him might do just that, deep down I think he knows that too. I tighten my grip around his neck, my knuckles turning white as they hang stiffly behind his neck. His chin over my shoulder and his hands holding me tight on my hips. We're so close. We're breathing the same air. If we untangled, I wouldn't be more than a few millimeters from his mouth.

The sound of giggling, whispering, and groans of disgust bring me back from the clouds my head was in. I turn my head to the side, my eyes open and glaring at the girls shamelessly snapping photos of us. I know we're in public but, Jesus, can't you see we're having a private moment here? I turn back, my mouth moving loosely against his neck.

"Those assholes are staring."

"Let them stare." he says thickly, "It's just you and me, now."

"I think I'm ready to go back to the house."

"Me too." I could feel him laughing deep in his throat.

"Let's go, we're giving them a free show they should be paying for." he says with a grin, giving me a quick squeeze before entwining his fingers in mine, sliding his credit card on the machine and paying for my music, disconnecting the device from the machine and handing it to me. I stuffed it in my pocket, walking side-by-side with him towards the doors. (Not before giving a lethal glare to the girls, who I now realized were the same girls from outside the shop.)

Speeding down the street, we ran into the place where we parked the truck, bracing himself against the driver's door and me falling into his chest. We laughed hysterically, our breaths coming out ragged.

"Geez, what a stink-eye you have, Harry- I thought they were going to burst into flames."

"Damn hipsters."

"Oh come on, they aren't that bad." he countered, running his free hand through my hair and his hand staying on my cheek, leaning his nose against mine.

"I'm glad I met you." I say suddenly, and he smiles, his eyes closed as I lean into him.

"I'm glad I met you, too."


	41. Draco's Weakened Defenses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Big Top by Chris Thile & Edgar Meyer
> 
> I love these two, they are so talented and the sound they create is amazing.

After a few seconds of not-so-hetero displays of affection, someone catcalls and we both shy away from each other. I get in on his side, since the door is right behind me, and I scoot to the passenger seat and buckle in. Draco follows suit.

"So, I'm going to take three guesses at what you're craving and if I get it wrong all three times, I will eat the most disgusting food you know of."

I smile a little, pushing my feet against the dashboard, "Is this some kind of test to see if you can read my mind?"

"No, it's more of a 'see-how-well-I-actually-know-you' test."

"Then fire away," I say with a laugh, turning on the radio and humming the catchy tune to it.

"Fast food?"

"Wrong." I tell him, making a buzzer noise.

"Italian takeout?" I give him a funny look and he laughs, "Guess not. How about-" he pauses at the red light, taking a long look at my face as though he is actually trying to read my mind. "God dammit, Potter, you want Chinese food don't you?"

I burst into a fit of laughter as he swells with pride, "I'll take that as a definite 'yes'."

He finds a small, family-owned Chinese restaurant and pulls in next to a square hole in the wall disguised as a take-out window. I unbuckle my seatbelt and scoot over to his side, my hand pressing on his thigh for support as I point out what I want from the menu. I spare a look over my shoulder to ask what he wants and his face is flushed but he responds he'll have 'his usual'. The guy nods, all smiles, before sliding the glass window back into place.

I lean off of Draco's leg to turn up the volume of the radio so I can hear the song that's playing and he hands me the food once it passes through the window and I sit it on my lap. On the way out of town and towards his house, he suddenly speaks up.

"About earlier... I just wanted to say that... well, thank you."

"For what?"

"Saying you're glad you met me, it means a lot. I was worried that I was, I don't know, bugging you, I guess. I just love touching you, knowing you're there, and it makes things seem a little brighter."

"Whoa there, Shakespeare," I joke, unbuckling my seatbelt and scooting closer, despite the weird feeling in my gut. "No need to think it's all a dream yet. Don't go soft on me now."

Taking his right hand off the wheel, he pulls me closer and I lean against his side, still holding the food in my lap.

"When we get inside, let's watch a couple movies and if you still feel like telling me about that... thing, then feel free to."

"Sounds alright with me," I tell him, scooting away once we get closer to the manor. He scrunches his mouth a bit and his hand returns to the steering wheel as the sun sets. "What time is it?"

"About 5pm or so, why?"

"I forgot for a second that the sun sets earlier in the winter."

"Too caught up in gawking at me?" Draco teased, getting out of the truck.

I follow, smirking, "With a face like yours, who wouldn't stare?"

Stuffing his right hand in his pocket, hitting his shoulder against mine playfully, and taking the bag of food, we walked up the porch stairs together. Things felt right, and maybe after telling him what's on my mind we'll finally be on the same page. Maybe if we're completely honest with each other, things can change.

Walking through the foyer, we are met with Lucius Malfoy, stern-faced and arms crossed. We freeze in place, and the man's eyes harden.

"You're late for dinner."

"I said we were heading out, I assumed you wouldn't wait up." Draco said cautiously, his grip tightening on the plastic bag.

"We didn't, but I do not appreciate the disrespect of not coming home for dinner, Draco."

I felt goosebumps rise along my spine and down my arms, how dare you speak to your own son that way.

"I wanted to spend time with my friend since I'll be gone for the next few days, leaving him here alone."

"Not alone, Draco. He'll be with your mother and the servant."

"Sure, whatever." He spits curtly, much to the shock of his father, "We have dinner to eat in my room, so if you don't mind-"

"I do mind." His father spat back as Draco took his other hand, gripping my wrist and pulling me around his father and towards the stairs.

"Well too fucking bad, father, because I need a friend who isn't paid by you to be kept around. Don't look so shocked, I've known for years now. Now, if you'll excuse me," Draco muttered, dragging me up the stairs and to his room.

"What," I say, mouth agape as he unloads the food onto a tray. "the hell was that all about? You are aware you just disrespected the guy who was pissed at you in the first place for being 'disrespectful'. Do you have a death wish?"

"I just... I don't like him treating me like that when you're standing right there. Plus, I know I'll get hell for it while we're gone but it's worth it. I've always been my father's lap dog and I'm tired of doing what my father wants me to. Over this weekend, I'm going to tell him that I will do what I want to, regardless of what he says."

"I'm proud of you for that. Draco, let's forget about your dad. Eat, watch some movies, then we can talk some before bed."

"Sounds perfect." Draco whispers, trying to hide a smile as he sets my plate in front of me. "Bon appetite."

"You're a dork, put in the damn movie." I laugh, shoving his shoulder.

"How does Little Ashes sound?"

"What's it about?"

"No idea. I bought it at the movie shop in town, got a discount because they couldn't find the box."

"Well, let's give it a shot."

After we finished eating, the movie had been going for a while and I was leaning against Draco's side, holding hands. Suddenly, two of the guys are making out and the air seems to get a billion times heavier. He clears his throat and turns off the movie.

"No offense but can we go ahead and talk, that was a little awkward."

"Sure... Well, Draco... It's about my past."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Guys, I am REALLY behind on updates for this fic. (This chapter, for instance, I wrote it last month.) My backlog which usually has 3 extra before I update currently has ONE.
> 
> My other fic updating today, however, has about 4 because that story has been around about the same amount of time and it's further from the end so I felt the need to work on it more... plus I, honestly, don't know how to proceed with this story until I get reactions for the next chapter.
> 
> I love this story, but the closer I get to the end the more I dread writing it because I feel it'll be rushed.
> 
> However, I will probably maintain regular updates depending on the reaction to the next chapter. If there's a huge inflow of love for it then I may be more liberal with what I plan on doing with the plot from there, meaning no mini-hiatus.
> 
> I love you guys immensely and I want this story to be a good one.
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	42. When Choosing Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Polyamorous by Breaking Benjamin

So... I told him everything. Starting from what little I knew about my parents when they were alive, steadily delving into the details of their murders. I wasn't entirely explicit, but I told about my scar, more about my home life with the Dursleys, and more of my thoughts and feelings than I've ever told anyone. He listened patiently, and didn't ask any questions, for which I was grateful.

Laying straight on the bed, turning my head towards Draco, he followed suit and I remembered that night on the beach. Even then, I knew that- deep down- I was attracted to him and that I felt I could trust him. His eyes linger on my scar and I realize I've forgotten the most crucial point: Tom.

"All of that is mostly background for the real secret. I hear voices, well a voice- singular- and it's the voice of the guy who killed my parents."

"Why him? Are you schizophrenic at all or do you think it's his ghost or-"

"No, I'm not. I have anxiety, probably some mild PTSD, adding that up to my panic attacks- it would mean he is a side-effect of those, I guess. Hermione thinks he may also be a coping mechanism for my parents death, maybe that giving him 'a voice' makes him less of a monster and more... human, I guess."

"What kind of stuff does he say?"

"He was awful at first, then he seemed to be looking out for me, then he tried to pin me against you."

"That's a bit all over the place,"

"Yeah, but the thing is, he only really appeared once when you were around... that time you kissed me." I tried not to choke on the words, a reminiscence of the panic returning into my heartbeat. "And as soon as you came back in, he went through the door and I haven't seen him. I think that being around you has helped a pretty good deal, if I were being entirely honest. Even though I never heard his voice before going to the academy, I have a feeling he's been there but I just now took notice. He seems to be leaving me alone now, though."

"Well, that's good... I guess..." Draco's voice seemed to waver some, his eyes not meeting mine.

Turning onto my side, I run my fingertips and the edge of my nails up and down his arm. I smile down at him and he visibly relaxes.

"I'm sorry that I'm acting this way it's just a lot to take in."

"I understand that. In which case, let's just drop the topic. Let's feed the animals, play with them some, and we can go to bed. You have to get up early in the morning, anyway."

Draco nodded, "Actually, Milton has been feeding them. I know we put enough food in for a few days but he just wanted to check up on them. He really likes animals, you know. Apparently, his father raised and bred Saint Bernards, while his mother trained them. His family was fairly well-off until his parents died in a car wreck, government took everything and he worked for my grandfather from a young age to have a place to sleep and eat. Here I am, getting off-topic again. Anyhow, let's go say hi to Zorro and Castiel."

We go down the hallway to where Dobby moved our pets for fear of them being seen (or heard) inopportunely, and we walk into the small room, a small fence set up around the two to play in. Zorro is fast asleep, curled up with Castiel and I can't bear the thought of waking them. I look at Draco who shrugs in return, and we walk back to our room quietly, the floorboards creaking underfoot every so often. Eventually, we make it back to the room and I grab my clothes. Heading towards the door as he picks out his clothes, I throw him a smirk.

"Taking a shower, wanna tag along? No funny business, I assure you."

"That doesn't reassure me at all," he jokes, not taking me seriously.

"It should, considering I'm being entirely serious."

"...Really?"

"Really, really, so are you coming or not?"

"...Okay." he conceded, following me into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind us.

I start getting undressed and I stop him once he's taken off his shirt, putting my glasses by the sink, laughing. "You're here for company, not shagging."

"Oh."

"Sorry to disappoint you," I tease, taking off my boxers and stepping into the shower, closing the semi-transparent curtain. "I'm not sure if we're ready for that yet, since I still have to see if you are still interested when you come back."

I turn on the water, blasting it on full-heat and exhale softly as the droplets hit my back.

"You said he was trying to pin us against each other, right?" Draco asked, I take a second from lathering my hair with shampoo to listen. "What kind of stuff did he say?"

"Well... uh, he said things like 'you wouldn't know good advice if it hit you in the head with a baseball bat' and 'you're on the brink of epiphany and you can't even see it'." I pointedly ignore mentioning the things said about Blaise, but something in my silence rouses his suspicion. I rinse out my hair and I hear him sit on the lid of the toilet seat, sighing.

"Well, that's vague and unhelpful."

Frowning, I work up the courage to finally bring up the topic, "He talked about other things too, like Blaise."

"What about him?" his voice seemed strained, hollow, and I finished lathering up my body, rising off slowly.

"Tom kept telling me you and Blaise were together and that I was in the way... that I was the 'side-chick', second best."

"Harry... you're never second best. Not to me. Especially not with Blaise."

I know I will regret it, but all I can see is Blaise and Draco at the Christmas party and my anger flares up. "So you and Blaise getting to second base at the Christmas party was my imagination, then?"

"Harry... it's not like that." Draco is wounded, I hear it in his voice. I turn off the water and let the water drip from my hair as I press my forehead into the cool tile. "It's not what it looked like. I don't like him the way I like you. It's very different, please believe that."

I reach my arm through the slit in the curtain, "Hand me a towel?" He gives me a towel and I pull it inside, tying it around my waist before stepping out. "I believe you, but it really hurt to see that, you know."

I finally catch his eyes and they look dark, distant. I frown, leaning my forehead against his and his hands reach up to my jaw. Leaning forward, he scoots me against the tile of the bathroom wall and kisses me. He bites on my top lip and I feel my eyelids flutter closed as I kiss back, but something is different than it was before. This was slower than the others, yet somehow much fiercer. I feel my legs get wobbly, I reach a hand up to place my palm on his chest and I feel his heartbeat racing. He pulls back and we both take a breath, I lean my back against the wall for support. Even slower than before, he leans in to kiss me again, his lips slowly skidding across mine and damn the room feels like it's spinning.

I can feel him grinning as he gives me a few short pecks on the mouth, then moving along my jaw and to my neck. At this point, it's amazing I can even form a coherent thought. I wrap both of my arms around his neck and let them hang down his back. I flinch the first time he licks my throat, when he does it again, it immediately follows with a bite and I barely bite my lip in time to suppress the moan escaping my mouth. He does it again on my clavicle and this time my legs just about give out under me, Draco moving one of his hands from the side of my face to my neck and the other to hold me upright. God, his tongue is downright criminal. This time he bites hard, causing a sharp exhale escapes my mouth and I drag my nails down the nape of his neck, tugging on his hair, and I hear him make a small grunt and I manage to sputter out a semi-coherent sentence.

"You, uh, need to take your shower so we can head on to", at this point I moan quietly, "bed."

"Right," he muttered against my skin, pressing one more light kiss to my mouth before stripping and going into the shower.

I take a look at my neck and shoulders, covered in bruises and I squint in slight irritation, "Marking me, huh?"

"Hey, you did too. These scratches are borderline severe."

I laugh, gazing at his silhouette through the curtain, the fuzzy outline suddenly fascinating. Thinking about it, it's the first time I've ever seen him naked. "Just so you know, I really like your butt."

He lets out a deep laugh that reminds me exactly how hard I currently am. Well, shit.

"I like hearing you moan, it's so goddamn erotic." he jokes.

"Draco?" I ask seriously, the mood suddenly thickened.

"Yeah?"

My palms grip the sink and my throat goes dry as I close my eyes, not entirely ready for the words I'm about to say.

"If you decide that you don't want to go through with this when you get back, will you remember that I love you?"

The silence drags on too long, "I'll remember."

"Goodnight, Draco."

"...Goodnight."

I get dressed, unlock the door and get into the bed, curling up in a ball and I suddenly feel the weight of all of the signals I'm getting. Something isn't right. I turn on my back, spread-eagle and do a mental mapping of the ceiling as I fall asleep. In my dream, Draco is crawling in bed beside me and wrapping his arms around me and it all feels so real. The dream makes me cry when it makes Draco whisper softly against my ear.

"I love you too."

If only it had been a dream, because then it wouldn't hurt so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> This one is, again, almost 2000 words but geez I couldn't help myself... I got a bit carried away at the end with the kiss thing...
> 
> Oops.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this inevitable display of fan-service.
> 
> Now prepare for a (possible) short hiatus as I get some new chapters backlogged.


	43. I Miss Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Only Time by Enya

**_ ~ Sunday: Day 13~ _ **

I woke up to the feeling of cold sheets and no boy curled up against my side, his mouth resting on my neck. Just an empty bed. The light glaringly bright through the white curtains. I place my feet on the floor and I blink my vision into focus. Almost everything in the room is lacklustre. When Draco was here, I never noticed, but the room is so colorless. So impersonal. The room was clean, orderly, and it almost made me sick to my stomach.

I stand uneasily, the blood rush making me slightly dizzy when my eye catches a note left atop the dresser on my side of the room. Draco. I walk over to the note scrawled on a piece of printer paper, his handwriting as neat as ever.

_ _

 

_Harry,_

_I'm so sorry I never got the chance to say goodbye._

_My father was insisting that we leave as early as possible._

_We have to be on the strip in London at 1pm._

_I swear the sun hasn't even risen yet._

_Sometimes I wonder if he has some bats up in the belfry._

_I hope you laughed, Harry, I'm awful at jokes when I'm rushing._

_Anyhow, I'll see you when I get back and we'll celebrate your birthday as I promised._

_Just you and me._

_It'll have to be after the New Year's party but I'm sure we can make it work._

_I can't wait to see you when I get back._

_Sincerely, Draco._

_P.S._

_Yesterday you told me you loved me, I was really shocked._

_I hope you hadn't taken my hesitation as a rejection._

_Because, honestly, I think I love you too, Harry._

_Don't miss me too much while I'm gone, okay? :p_

* * *

I felt my heart sink, I do miss him, but missing him is pointless. He may not even want to be with me once he returns.

I yank off my shirt, desperately trying to shake the shivering in my spine. I'm panicking. Need to calm down. I open the doors onto the balcony and lean my head against the stone rails, quaking as the cold wind blows against my skin, the concrete under my feet coated in snow.

How peculiar. I didn't think it would snow.

The thought doesn't stop my panic, the shivering worsened by the cold. I barely register a knock at the door and a quiet voice before I hear the slapping of shoes against the hardwood floor. I feel arms wrap around my chest, yanking me back.

"Harry, come inside. Please! You'll catch your death out here!"

Draco's mom?

I let her pull me inside and sit me down on the unmade bed, her eyes worriedly searching my face.

"Are you alright, sweetheart? You're shaking so hard!" She yanks the comforter off the neighboring bed and wrapping it around me. "What's wrong? Why did you go outside like that? It's freezing out there."

I felt the feeling of panic subside as I see the kindness in her eyes. A kindness that reminded me of Draco. "I was having an anxiety attack. Nothing to worry about."

"What triggered it?" she asks, taking my wrist and looking at her watch, checking my pulse.

"Stress, I think. I stress over everything."

Her eyes soften as she puts a lock of my hair behind my ear, "That doesn't make it any less significant, sweetheart, I've seen attacks before. Does Draco know?"

"Yes. I told him recently."

"Good, then he can help you come down from your attacks."

"He has since before he knew. He's one of my best friends, Missus Malfoy, and I'm grateful to him."

"Yes, he is a very good boy." she muttered fondly, looking closely at my face, most likely looking for signs of distraught feelings still remaining. "You're a good influence on him. He's never stood up to Lucius before, you know. I was proud of him for that. Draco cares too much about his father's opinion of him, if you ask me. Also, call me Narcissa, or Narcy if you feel so willing, I wish to make friends with you while they're gone. I wish to know you for myself."

"Thank you for your concern, Miss Narcissa."

"Again, with the formalities." she tsked, smiling as she unwrapped the blanket from around me and placing it neatly on the bed. "But I suppose it'll do. Come, join Dobby and I for breakfast."

"I should change first," I say uncomfortably, noticing that she's already dressed in a fine silk shirt and black dress pants. "I'd feel underdressed."

"These are just my house clothes, dear, don't feel obligated. But I'll humor you. Please be downstairs in five minutes, by then the table will be set with breakfast."

"Yes, Miss."

She settled her hand on my head, letting it linger briefly before tying her hair back into a ponytail as she exited the room. Draco is a lot like his mother, he has her nature but he has his father's stubborn mindset and rigid stature.

What a combination.

I pull on one of my large tees and a pair of black sweatpants with a vague band logo on it. Seeing as Lucius isn't here, there's no need to dress up, I suppose. I stop, my eyes lingering on the note and I fold it neatly before pushing it into my pocket.

I walk slowly down the staircase, trying to keep my eyes steady ahead of me. The habit of watching my feet will do me in. I am met with the sound of bacon sizzling in the kitchen. Oh, Dobby, you  _shouldn't_ have _._  My mind races with happy thoughts of bacon and eggs.

I walk significantly faster down the stairs, met with the sight of Narcissa and Dobby twittering excitedly over something I can't hear. As soon as I cross the threshold, I am met with the sight of the table covered in bacon, french toast, eggs, various fruit, and regular toast with jams and butters assorted around them.

Am I in heaven?

"Come on, Harry, don't stand there like a gaping fish, make a plate." Dobby said with a grin, to which I readily obliged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> So... I updated since I promised a few of you that I would... I'm late, sure, and I'm still extremely behind on my backlog... But I still updated. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Note is obviously written by me, but pretend it's Draco XD
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	44. More than Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: I'm Glad There Is You by Frank Sinatra

The conversation between the two was pleasant and calm, as they occasionally spared a glance in my direction, I watched them between bites of food. Narcissa's subservient demeanor exhibited before diminished entirely, replaced with a happy one. The familiar feeling is vague to me now, the feeling of being kept on a short leash for fear of the repercussions of such actions, but I recognized it immediately the first day I met her.

A beautiful woman, but visibly trapped in her relationship. I catch her staring and she finishes the bite in her mouth before inquiring why I was watching her with sad eyes. If things between Draco and I work out, I hope it never turns out this way.

"I don't wish to intrude on something that is not my business, Ma'am."

"With an expression like that, it would bother me if you didn't ask."

I feel my hands sweat, wiping my hands on my pants, I take a deep breath and exhale before opening my mouth. "Narcy... why are you married to Lucius? He seems controlling to me, if you don't mind me saying. It bothers me to see such a thing."

"You have a hint of reminiscing in your voice. Have you experienced a controlling relationship?"

"That doesn't answer my question."

Narcissa straightened her shoulders, Dobby standing and collecting dishes to take to the kitchen, and she dabbed at her mouth with her cloth napkin before returning it to her lap.

"I'm married to him because we were in love once. I am still married to him because his presence is familiar. Constant. We are together because we are one of the few who can tolerate each other. I am not a caged bird, Harry. I'm not to be pitied. Lucius and I do not split up because we are comfortable the way things are."

"Comfortable isn't a reason to stay together. It's unhealthy."

"Sometimes, comfortable is the best even if it doesn't seem to be. There is no disappointment in comfort. You don't have to agree with me, I don't expect you to, but you have to understand that this arrangement is good for Draco too. One of the worse things a child can go through is divorce. Even if it's a silent one- one with no parents pinning the child against the other- the child has to divide their time between two pivotal people in the child's development. It's not good for anyone."

I understand what she's saying, I do, and I despise than I can relate. Despite how badly I despised how the Dursleys treated me, the routine- the monotony- was comforting.

"Harry, Draco knows this already. He knows my husband and I haven't been in love in a long time. He was told when he was fairly young."

I know that she means well. I do. But remembering her constantly referring to Draco as a child, distancing from the situation, reassuring me by solidifying my thoughts. That's something a psychiatrist would do.

"You said you were a doctor."

"I am," she answered, her eyes drifting to Dobby as he took my plate and eventually to my face.

"What kind of doctor?"

"I'm a therapist."

"Not a psychiatrist."

"No, not a psychiatrist. What is the significance of that, Harry?"

"Because, if you were," I wipe the pineapple juice from the corners of my mouth, "I'd say you viewed your son and husband as patients."

Her expression darkens, Dobby pointedly looking solely at his hands as he puts away the leftover food. I suddenly realize I have overstepped my boundaries, that I definitely said the wrong thing. I stand to excuse myself and she speaks up in a stern voice.

"Sit down, Harry." I oblige, fiddling awkwardly in my seat as she chooses what she is to say. "Yes. I do admit that there are times that I view my husband and child as patients. I admit that. But, Harry, you must understand that in this house I feel that I must do so to remain afloat. I have to see things from their perspective if I want to stay sympathetic, through which I distance myself from the situation. I see in your eyes, though you refuse to look at me, that to some degree- you understand. There are things about my husband that I am ashamed of, things I've been roped into in the past, all out of love for him. Those things put a strain on my relationship with Draco, because I have to hide truths from him. You are important to him. So all I ask, as I tell you this, is do not blame Draco for things out of his control."

"I don't understand what you mean," I say halfheartedly, my eyes catching the fear in hers.

"Someday, you will. I just hope you stay around long enough to make the decision yourself."

"You're speaking in riddles-"

"I'm going to go to work. I will be gone until about 5pm. Dobby is here if you need anything, feel free to ask. Draco's library is on the third floor. Third door to your left. The family library is across the hall from that. I will see you this afternoon. Good day, Harry."

"You went around in circles, you never directly-"

"Good  _day,_ Harry," she muttered with finality, leaving the kitchen, no doubt en route to grab her things for work.

"You ask bold questions, Harry. It will get you into trouble."

"I value truth over the things that come with it. A man I admire once said, 'If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.' I live by those words, Dobby. Those words are what have kept me on the best path ever since I heard it."

"Who said it, Master Harry?" he asked curiously, picking up our napkins as I fiddled with the hem of my shirt.

"C.S. Lewis," I answered quietly, crossing my arms and making long strides towards the stairs. I felt my throat closing, the anxiety rippling in. I need to be alone. I need to breathe.


	45. Mister Dorian Gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: And So It Goes by Marianas Trench (a Billy Joel cover)

I follow her directions and go into Draco's library. The room is small, a tall bookcase on one wall, a bay window facing the door and a plush couch with a small side table, a few candles arranged on it, facing the bookcase. The quiet in the room immediately takes away some of my anxiety. In a corner of the bay window I notice a small stack of books, with a note in his handwriting on the top.

_ _

_Thought you'd want to read some books I liked, these are some of my favorites._

_See you soon, Harry._

_P.S. the room is soundproof and can lock from the inside._

_If something upsets you at all, feel free to let it out._

I smile at the note, he must've written it before he got in bed last night, judging by the wrinkles from stray water droplets. I fold up the note and put it in my pocket with the previous note.  _Frankenstein_ by Mary Shelley is the first on the stack, and I move it to reveal the next three. I pick up the second book on the stack, _The Picture of Dorian Gray_  by Oscar Wilde, deciding to read it first. The third is  _Tuck Everlasting_ by Natalie Babbitt. I notice the fourth, and last, book on the stack and recognize it as the book he just bought from Olivander-  _Sheep Corpses and War Drums_ by M.J. Keenan- a book as thick as a complete volume of  _The Divine Comedy_.

I'll save that for last, I think internally, and take two steps to lock the door.

Sitting on the couch, I notice the candle and laugh at the scent. Lime and black licorice. Jeez, Draco, green and black again. I laugh, the room's colors in the familiar scheme and my laugh hollows. Laying on my back, my feet perched on the arm, I start to read. I look over mid-way through reading the first page of  _The Picture of Dorian Gray,_ stopping to light the candle with a match from the matchbook on the side table. The smell is strange, without a doubt, but oddly soothing as I re-immerse myself into the book.

I find myself ripped apart at every line, the words washing over me in waves. Growing stronger as I felt Dorian's passion, his self-disillusioned suffering, and watching the obsession of Basil's affections clawing into the heart of the story. Dorian's undeniable attraction to his friend and confidant, but not seeing how truly wretched a person he had become- his vanity devouring his very soul. A line caught my eye, and I made sure to commit it to memory before moving on- it's hidden profoundness far from lost on me. It gave an almost soul-draining feeling as I could feel Dorian's turmoil.

" _Yes, Basil could have saved him. But it was too late now. The past could always be annihilated. Regret, denial, or forgetfulness could do that. But the future was inevitable. There were passions in him that would find their terrible outlet, dreams that would make the shadow of their evil real. "  
_

As I reached the final page, a fierce pain behind my eyes at the hours of incessant reading, a polite knock resounded on the door. I stood, rolling my neck, with my finger holding my place in the book when I opened the door.

"Master Harry, I hope I didn't disturb you. I was wondering if you would like to join the Madam and I for dinner, she will be arriving within the hour."

"Definitely," I found myself answering, my stomach feeling achingly empty, "I'll be down once I finish, I'm on the last page."

"Oh,  _Dorian Gray_ , is it? Master Draco reads that one quite often between the stints of long books his father asks him to read."

"I can tell he really likes the book," Harry admitted, the pages having lost the scent of fresh ink. "The pages are turned up in the corner, like he's carried it around in a bag a lot."

"You're very observant, Master Harry."

"I try to be," I admitted, "I'm always afraid I will miss something."

"A rational fear to have, if you ask me. I'll check on the animals and meet you downstairs."

I nodded, closing the door fully, as I let my palm linger on the wooden door. The door feels cool to the touch, I sigh, leaning my head against it. I know how the story will end, it's plainly obvious, yet I find myself hoping for another ending. A happy one, despite the inability for him to turn back. I continue reading the page, my head still against the unlocked door. Dorian had the world, yet his vanity and greed led him to steal away the opportunity from himself.

I finish the page and my eyes wander to the window, I wonder how Neville and Luna are doing- how they're getting on. How is Hermione's break? Are the Weasley's having a fun holiday? The thought depresses me. I wonder if I can call Sirius, Severus, and Remus- and wish them happy holidays. Closing the book and setting it on the bedside table, I lick my fingers to snuff the candle, leaving the room to go downstairs for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> The book "Sheep Corpses and War Drums" is made up. However, it HAS a purpose later in the story. The manifestation of the book is a nod to the songs "Pet" and "Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums" by A Perfect Circle, which I love immensely. M.J. Keenan is the lead singer of A Perfect Circle, just so you know.
> 
> I wrote the "book" into a chapter that will come MUCH later, (it was originally going to be a oneshot but now it's in my "true-cannon"), and it has since evolved into a major plot point. The cover says it all.


	46. End of Chimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Dream a Little Dream of Me by The Moon Loungers (in the style of The Mamas and the Papas)

Narcissa is already home by the time I descend the stairs, meeting me in the foyer on my way to the kitchen. I give her a brief and polite smile before retreating to the table. The talk from earlier still bothered me and I had to make sure not to bring it up again, under any circumstance. The dinner goes by fairly smooth, Dobby and Narcissa talk pleasantly about the weather while I eat as fast as I can without looking too rushed. I excuse myself when I finish and return to the small library. I have to read to get my mind off what Narcissa told me, otherwise her words will echo in my mind until Draco returns.

_There is no disappointment in comfort._

God, the phrase shouldn't bother me so much, but it does. Draco and I are pretty comfortable right now, does that mean that we'll eventually settle for convenience? That is,  _if I haven't scared him off_ , my mind supplies. Regardless, though, I don't want to be with him out of the feeling of obligation. I want us to wake up spooning and all the gooey stuff that comes with a stable relationship, I don't want fear of rejection and uncertainty. That's too much to ask for, isn't it?

I don't light the candle again, but I choose the book  _Frankenstein_  and try to immerse myself before getting too lost in my thoughts. It works fairly well. By the time I get tired, it's pitch black outside. I take notice of the page and leave the book on the table, the grandfather clock on the ground floor chiming the time. I count them, my eyes watching the shoreline through the window.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

Eight...

Nine...

Ten...

Eleven.

The chimes stop.

I move into a sitting position and rub my eyes, slouched forward. I hope the other 5 days won't be like this. I stand, shower, and brush my teeth before getting into bed. I don't visit Castiel to say goodnight, because if I do... I'll see Zorro. Then I definitely won't be able to sleep. I do sleep, though, and a familiar dream reappears. Albeit, a little different than before.

_In my dream, the same as before, I was standing in a field with the Whomping Willow in the distance, the empty land flourishing with lush grass up to my waist. The wind still blew through the grass and my hands running atop the soft grass. I stood, unlike the previous dream, Draco standing against the wind. He was still wearing his uniform, his tie was absent and his shirt unbuttoned, his eyes closed with a complacent smile. I could hear his humming this time, he was humming Dream a Little Dream of Me. I reached out my hand and caressed his cheek, finding myself smiling at the song, it seemed just like him to like such a song. He smiled, laughing as he placed his hand over mine, continuing to hum and whispering the lyrics under his breath. He runs a hand through my hair and goes to whisper in my ear but the dream ends._

...

**_~Monday: Day 14~_ **

I wake up with a sour taste in my mouth, I must've been snoring in my sleep. I don't panic like the day before, there's no particular reason to. Opening my bag, I notice the notes from Draco I shoved in the bottom and sigh, picking up my socks from beside them. I pad down the stairs, Narcissa seemingly already gone to work. That's fine with me. I'll just grab some food, maybe have a chat with Dobby, and go back to reading  _Frankenstein_.

I am met with the sight Dobby kneeling in front of the open windows of the kitchen, clutching a rosary that seems to be made of amber in his hands. I don't disrupt him, watching in silence as his face is calm, thumb absently stroking the cross at the end, mouthing to himself. It seems almost unreal to me. The light shining in on all sides of his face, an expression of bliss. I grew up in the house of the Dursleys, a family that went to church but never seemed to grasp what they were being taught. I was never allowed to go, with the "chores to do" and all. So seeing Dobby so lifted gave me a feeling of jealousy. How it must feel to believe in something so wholeheartedly. I could never trust something so blindly.

I exhale a shallow sigh and Dobby's eyes flash open, a complacent smile on his face. "Excuse me just a moment longer, I'm almost finished."

"Don't worry about it." I smile, moving to sit beside him. I don't pray with him, I never have so I wouldn't exactly know how. No doubt I would end up sounding like I'm ordering off a menu if I did so.

I stifle an inner laugh as I imagine myself praying as if reading off of a menu.  _Yeah, uh, I'll have the eternal soul... uhm, the large order of sin redemption... oh, and a side of pigeon wings with the righteous sauce._ I look over and Dobby is still praying, unaffected by my presence.

I take this moment to get a good look at Dobby, I had never given him more than a sparing glance before, but now his features seemed clearer to me in his calmness. His nose is rather birdlike, with thin lips and a yellow tint to his skin. Lines of age were deepest on his forehead and around his eyes. He was clean-shaven, his hair more grey than the dark brown it used to be, small places reminding of a time when the hair had been dark. His jaw was sharp, and his chin almost pointed.

His left eye opened, a faded shade of blue, his expression gaining a hint of amusement, "If you wish to take a picture, Master Harry, I assure you it will last longer."

He rises, crossing himself, and I bat him on the arm.

"You sure are a dreadful old man, aren't you, Dobby?"

"I do my best," he responds, "Would you like me to warm up some breakfast?"

"Yes, if you wouldn't mind. I want to read again, today."

"Which one now?"

" _Frankenstein_."

"Very good story. Harry, why don't you read downstairs? I promise I will do my best to not bother you."

"Would you mind?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I did."

"Okay, then," I smile, "I'll bring down the book."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Previous version of the dream was in "Chapter 29: O' Departed Joys"! :)
> 
> ALSO:
> 
> I am a semi-practicing Wiccan, that being said:
> 
> I will NOT diss any religions and I expect none of you will in the reviews, either.
> 
> Any mention of religion in this story is not my personal opinion of the religion itself;
> 
> but of the characters and how they treat their religious practice reflects their personality.
> 
> I do not want any reviews mentioning your religion (that's your own business) or saying it's better than anyone else's.
> 
> I know this goes without saying, it being common courtesy and all, but I'm saying it anyway.
> 
> If you wish to tell me in private something about how I've portrayed something, feel free.
> 
> But I will delete any review or PM involving religion-bashing.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia
> 
> Also, if you want an idea how I picture human!Dobby, he's basically Peter Capaldi from Doctor Who. xD


	47. Waiting for Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Portraits (instrumental Acoustic Cover) by The Final Cut (a Bury Tomorrow cover)

By the time I return, Dobby has already gotten most of the Christmas decorations taken down from the tree in the lounge. I watch him in dismay as I sit on the couch, shouldn't I be helping? As though he felt me watching, he stopped, tinsel still in-hand as he shook his head.

"Go on, Harry, read. Don't worry about this."

I found myself wanting to argue but he shook his head slowly, as if trying to ward me from the thought.

"I tend to read aloud when I read, I can't really help it. Would you mind if..?" I asked, hoping he would agree.

"I don't mind, I would quite enjoy it, actually. Read from where you are, I'll figure out where you are as we go."

I smile, "Oh, okay." Opening the book, I mutter, "I found it. 'You can blast my other passions, but revenge remains- revenge, henceforth dearer than light of food! I may die, but first you, my tyrant and tormentor, shall curse the sun that gazes on your misery.'"

My voice felt as though it was droning on, though I took on voices for each character, the parallels between Frankenstein and his creation seemed to overlap and made it difficult to tell one from the other the further I went. I felt my mind wander as I read, my thoughts straying to Draco and his father, I hope that Draco didn't anger his father too much. There is no doubt his father dislikes me- he made that perfectly clear- and he may be very sore over the fact that his son embarrassed him in front of me.

I felt my eyes drag across the page dryly, my passion for the story lost on the thoughts plaguing my mind. I looked up to meet Dobby's concerned face as he leans against the broom in his hands. I guess my train of thought caused me to dwindle off, no longer reading aloud.

"You seem worried, Harry."

I wanted to make a sarcastic comment, obviously something was worrying me, but I swallowed it down in favor of sparing the man's feelings. I didn't respond, just leaned back and went back to reading at the last spot I remembered.

That was the end of that, no more harping over Draco. He may not even be worth the thoughts when he returns.

I tried telling myself that as I read, but they never really sunk in.

I really hope he does want to try... this _relationship_... "thing" when he gets back. I hope his 'I love you' was more than just words.

"I'll be alright, Dobby. I'm just a little lonely is all," I admit, closing the book and rubbing my palm twice across my mouth out of habit, a habit I picked up whenever I said something I wish I hadn't.

"If you'd like, you may go visit someone if you know anyone nearby. You could stay with them for a night or two, if you really wanted. I wouldn't mind, and the Missus would understand."

"Who would I visit? I don't know anyone-"

"What about the Diggory boy, you got along with him well enough?"

"He lives nearby?"

"Why, yes, about a 15 minute drive away."

"Then, I'd like to ask him if I could stay over, if that's alright."

"Perfectly fine, I'll take care of your ferret while you're gone."

"May I use the phone, then?"

"Sure. I'll bring one to you. Keep reading, you only have a little ways to go."

I nod, going back to reading, having one chapter left when he hands me a cordless phone and I dial Cedric's number by memory. The phone rings for several seconds before there's an out of breath answer from the other line.

"H-h-hello, D-Diggory residence."

I laugh, "Hey, Cedric, did you just run to the phone?"

"Yeah, so?" he responded shortly, probably holding back a grin.

"I don't mean to invite myself over or anything but I can't invite you over here so..."

"So?"

"So... I was wondering if I could hang out at your house for a day or two. Draco left for a business trip with his dad so I'm a bit bored."

"Sure, Harry! You caught me at a good time, I'm still on break from the university. I can come pick you up, if you want, but it may take a bit for me to get there seeing as I need to clean up the house a bit. Dad got a little crazy with the decorations and I've been trying to take them all down."

"Sure, no problem. I have to finish this chapter anyway."

"What book?"

"Frankenstein."

"Nifty, I read that sophomore year in high school."

"Did you seriously just say 'nifty'?" I chuckled.

"Yeah, you goober, I said 'nifty'. I'll be over in an hour."

I continued spurting out laughs and he let out amused sigh before hanging up.

Dobby grinned at me, "You better go pack, the faster you pack and bring it into the foyer, the quicker you can finish that book."

Nodding, muttering several 'yeah, yeah's over my shoulder, I take two steps at a time as I go up. I go into the bedroom, which seems just a little brighter than yesterday morning, getting my bag and putting two sets of clothes and some lounging clothes in with my new music player and I stash the notes in the drawer under my leftover clothes. No need for anyone to see those. I double-check that I have everything and go back into the bathroom, grabbing my toothbrush and hairbrush, putting them in the bag and descending the stairs.

I set the bag in the foyer before returning to the couch, reading aloud where I'd left off.

I finish a few minutes before the hour is up, Dobby having finished putting decorations away a half hour ago, sitting next to me and reading over my shoulder.

"Thank you for reading to me, Harry, I'll bring you something to eat before he gets here."

"He'll be here any minute," I offer, "Don't worry."

He laughs, dusting off the end of his suit jacket, "He has a knack for being late, don't worry. I'll bring you something."

I shrug, taking the book upstairs and putting it away before returning to the main level, following the smell of food to the kitchen. Very nice, a grilled cheese, I haven't had one of these in forever.

He puts the sandwich on a plate and sets a glass of milk next to it with a smile, "I figured you'd want something light."

"This is light?" I joke and he nods, cleaning the plates in the sink with soap and water, the same he did the first day I met him.

"Considering the usual snack in this house, very. Now, hurry, he will be here in precisely-" he paused to check his wristwatch, "three minutes."

"How do you know?" I laugh, taking a bite of the grilled cheese sandwich.

"Eat, Harry."

I smile, noticing he's slowly starting to call me Harry more often. I eat in silence, hearing the sound of clinking plates and sloshing water the only sound beyond the faint sound of birds from outside the open windows. I hear frantic knocking on the door and I pause, my sandwich finished as I drink my milk.

Dobby rolled down his sleeves, putting his suit jacket back on with a smile, "That would be him."

I finish the milk and slip into the bathroom adjoining the kitchen, hearing Dobby greet Cedric and inviting him in.

"Sorry, I'm late! Time just got away from me."

"I know, Mister Diggory, that's why I made the boy eat something before you arrived."

"Huh?" I heard him say over the sound of me flushing the toilet and turning on the water to wash my hands.

"You're always exactly ten minutes late, without fail. Your father told me you must've gotten it from the milkman since he is always ten minutes early unless you tag along."

"You terrible old man!" Cedric laughed in good humor.

I stepped out, wiping the remaining water from washing my hands on my pants, "I called him that just this morning."

"That you did, Harry." Dobby smiled, amused at Cedric's surprised expression at our exchange.

"I'm ready if you are," I tell Cedric and he nods, picking up my bag, heading out.

"I'll see you later, Dobby." I smile, patting his shoulder, "Thanks for this."

He shook his head, "No need for 'thank you's, go on, he's waiting for you."

I get in the car and he backs out of the driveway, making his way towards the nearby town. I turn on the radio and a band that I recognize distinctly as The Beatles plays through the speakers. I grin, humming along as he sings along, eyes not leaving the road in front of him. Looks like Tom's gone for good, this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Finally, a longer chapter. I reintroduced Cedric for two reasons:
> 
> -I love writing him, he's a total dweeb when I write him.
> 
> and
> 
> -I felt it unrealistic to be nonstop reading that much
> 
> (Plus, it would be much harder to write and there would be way too many time-jumps. On top of that, it will make later aspects of the story make much more sense.)
> 
> Also, be aware there will be a few longer updates in the future but don't get used to them!
> 
> XD


	48. I'm Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: "物の怪姫 (Princess Mononoke)" by 遠藤 正明 (Endō Masaaki)
> 
> (Sorry, the English version just doesn't do it justice.)

We manage to catch every stoplight on the way to his house. After the first four red lights, he started grumbling to himself about the impertinence of modern technology, making me laugh.

"You're laughing," he says plainly, if not slightly pouty.

"Because you make me laugh," I tell him, smiling.

"I'm not trying to be funny, I assure you."

He tries to watch me from the corner of his eye, but gives up after a few seconds.

"That's probably why I find you funny. You don't try to be."

"You laugh because my ability to catch every red light is pathetic." he muttered, taking a road seemingly hidden by foliage.

I am about to tell him that I didn't think that, but he was just being honest. I turn the dial up on the volume of his radio and give him a weak smile.

"Mind if I change the station?"

He nods, no doubt slightly disappointed I didn't enjoy the station as much as he did, "Go ahead."

I flip through the channels twice before I find something and I stop once I hear the beginning of a song I could faintly recognize. I glance at the station on the radio, World Cinema Tracks, and hum in approval. Satellite radio, nice. I hum along and he mumbles words under his breath.

"Huh?" I ask, looking over at him.

"Was singing the song," he says with a smile, "though, I only know the english version of the song. It was from Princess Mononoke, haven't you seen it?"

"Nope."

"Have you seen any Studio Ghibli films?"

"Never heard of it."

"Oh," he said with a grin, pulling up to an average-sized house in a mixed-matched architectural neighborhood. "Well, looks like we found something we can do. We're here." I got out after he did, rounding the cab to get my bag but he slung it over his shoulder. "No worries, I got it."

I nodded, following him inside as he was met with a hug from his father, "Cedric! You're finally back, you seem to be in one piece this time. Good for you."

"Dad, I'm not that bad," he says with a smile and a look of surprise crosses his face as he turns to me. "Oh, right. Sorry, Harry. Dad, this is my friend I met at the party, the one I told you about."

"Harry Potter," he greeted with a respectful smile, shaking my right hand in both of his. "Great to finally meet you, I don't mean to be a buzzkill but I've just been called in suddenly to file some paperwork. Think you two can hold down the fort while I'm gone?"

"I don't know Dad, we may hold a frat party while you're gone. Endless booze and naked cheerleaders."

"You don't like booze and you aren't part of a fraternity." he says with a sly grin, picking up a briefcase by the door.

"Then you have nothing to worry about," Cedric laughed, leaning against the doorjamb to the kitchen. "Go, dinner will be ready before you get back."

Mr. Diggory smiles, ruffling his son's hair before going outside and taking the truck onto the street, driving away. I turn around to see he's already walking towards a room in the far corner. I rush to catch up, going in to see one wall lined entirely with soccer trophies and posters of various musicians from the 60s and 70s, his bed covered in a tie-dye duvet.

"Well, this is not what I was expecting," I say offhandedly, pressing down a few keys on an out of tune organ in the corner of the room.

"What were you expecting? Books on law and a room filled with paperwork?" he said in an amused tone, setting my bag on the bed.

"A little." I laugh, turning to look at him. He looks sad for a second, lingering on my fingertips poised above the organ keys, before shrugging, "Let's go make something to eat and we can watch a Ghibli movie in the living room."

Most of the time he's cooking I just sit in a chair in the kitchen, petting a very large, white dog sitting beside me, quiet as he watches Cedric cook.

"What's his name?"

Cedric lets out a strangled noise in surprise, as if he forgot I was there, and turned to see me petting the dog. "That's Nanook, he's a Tibetan Mastiff."

"Unusual name."

"It's Inuit for Polar Bear."

Looking sideways at the dog, no doubt the dog was around 3 ft tall and built like a brick shithouse. He looked up at me and put a paw on my knee, and I obliged by scratching behind his ears. I like this feeling, everything is just so low-key. I don't feel out of place, I don't feel like I should be doing anything, the silence is comfortable.

"How's the food coming along?"

"It's pretty good, I need to leave the chicken to bake, but everything else is done." He wipes his hands off on a dish towel, "Harry, would you mind putting the chicken in? I need to get some food out for Nanook." I nod, opening the door, the heat radiating into my face. I pick up the pan with both hands and slide it onto the second shelf. The back of my hand hits the upper shelf with a hiss. I curse, snatching my hand out and slam the door of the oven closed.

I hear Cedric run back in, "Harry, you okay?!"

I hold my hand protectively against my chest and he pulls it away carefully, "You burnt yourself, come on." He leads me by the hand to a plant by the window, tearing a leaf from the plant and squeezing the liquid on my hand. I let out a breath, looking down at it.

"What's that?"

"Aloe plant, it helps burns," he holds my hand and rubs the gel in with his thumb. "What the hell were you thinking? There were oven mitts right next to the pan."

"I guess I wasn't thinking."

"No kidding," he scolds, "You've got to be more careful."

I notice the sleeves he'd rolled up to cook, the small and insignificant bruises and scorch marks on the inside of his forearms. No doubt his clumsiness had something to do with them.

"I could say the same about you." I say pointedly to the marks on his arms.

He shrugs, "It's a fault in my biology, I'm chronically clumsy." He smiles complacently, blowing a little bit on my burn and I can't help but smile.

He really is a nice guy, and his clumsy nature is a bit endearing. Nanook headbutts me in my thigh and I laugh, using my other hand to pet him. Cedric stops and lets go of my hand, petting the dog too.

I find myself out of words to say, but unlike when I'm with Draco, I don't feel the need to itch my brain for something to say. It's all fine.

He nudges his head towards his room and I follow. He flops on his bed and I lay next to him, Nanook lying between us. He turns on his stereo and a song plays through the speakers, one I don't recognize.

He hums along to it and I feel my eyes close, my entire body relaxing. A woman's upbeat voice plays through the speakers, with Cedric's voice a soft and breathy whisper.

_"Now, listen, honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere._

_As long as we're together, honey, I don't care_

_'Cause you started something, can't you see._

_Ever since we met you've had a hold on me._

_No matter what you do, I only want to be with you."_

~.~.~

_At some point, I find myself asleep. I can feel eyes watching me. I force my dreamself to turn around, my eyes meeting those of Tom, who is reaching out to me. I feel the need to take his hand, so I do. His usually skewed smile replaced with an emotionless expression._

_"I'm not sorry for killing your parents."_

_"I know."_

_"Then stop trying to find a way in your heart to forgive me. Harry, you're going to go insane if you don't let this all go. Harry, you're killing yourself over this. Forget about me, forget about the bad things. You're ruining any chances you have at a normal life by dwelling on your dead parents. You didn't even blink an eye until you found out their death wasn't an accident. You need to move on. You're blinding yourself from the most obvious of things because you won't pull your head out of your ass long enough to take a look around."_

_I feel as if my mouth won't allow me to speak._

_"Take what Narcissa said, for instance, you're so worried you'll lose Draco that you take any information you can possibly get about him and put it in a special place in your mind. You're obsessed. You have to back off. You're going to scare him off if you're not careful."_

_I know that, I tell myself over and over but the thought never sticks. I'm not ready to lose anyone else I care about, not again._

_"Oh, cut the bullshit. You were too young to really know what they were like. You may have 'perfect memory' but infantile amnesia isn't bullshit. You know that. You've read enough about it. You know for a fact you only miss them because you never had the opportunity to be normal. You were known only as that-poor-little-orphan, the-boy-who-lived, and you resent that. You weren't old enough to love them any more than the fact that they took care of you. They are dead, and so am I. You need to_ **MOVE ON, HARRY!** _"_

_The voice started to twist and distort, as if it was coated in static. Suddenly the figure I've come to recognize as Tom Riddle would flicker like an old television, fading in and out._

**_"Harry! Move on, Harry!"_** _The static got worse, his form slowly morphing into someone else, showing who he truly was._ ** _"Heed my warning! Or you will regret it! Wake up, Harry!_ WAKE UP _!"_**   _He was so bad now, that I saw his eyes lighten, and his form get shorter, less lanky, hair shortening._

_He turned into me._

_~.~.~_

I woke up to Nanook licking my hand and Cedric standing in the doorway with a sad look.

"Nightmare?"

I nod, rubbing my hands into my neck and standing, sweat sticking to my skin, "No big deal, I have them pretty often."

"Well, okay. The food is done. If you want, we can eat it in front of the TV. Maybe watch one of those Ghibli movies?"

I nod, walking closer to him and he moved his arm to block me from going into the doorway.

"I'll get the food, go ahead and pick one out. I set them out on the coffee table. You look worn out."

I avert my eyes, not saying anything, and he lets me through. I sit on the floor, looking at the movies as he passes me to go into the kitchen. I find myself thinking of the dream and I laid my head on the table, feeling the cool wood seep into my skin.

Tom's right, or rather...  _I'm_  right, I guess. I need to move on. I can't just dwell on my parents, and I can't forgive Tom, so... I guess I just have to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Any and almost all character interpretations are formed through the movie adaptation of the series since I have not read much of the books. I will not be including Cedric's mother and be using his dad as he was in the movie. Any discrepancies between the books and this story are formed from that.
> 
> I Only Want to Be With You by Dusty Springfield is the song that Cedric plays near the end.
> 
> This extra song is included in the playlist as a bonus for the extra word-count.
> 
> Also, woooow this chapter is a doozy, sorry about that. Good that you get a longer chapter, though, right? :D
> 
> Anyhow, this is- THE END OF TOM RIDDLE BEING A MAIN CHARACTER.
> 
> Which kinda sucks, I love the little shit- but, oh well.
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Don't forget to review!
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	49. Not Officially, No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Braveheart Theme (Acoustic Guitar cover) by Luca Stricagnoli
> 
> This cover is amazing. Has not only acoustic guitar, but recorder and harmonica as well. ALL AT ONCE.
> 
> Well, not ALL at once, but it's awesome. Totally rad as fuck. Watch it.

He sets the plate in front of me and I manage a smile, but he doesn't buy it, I can tell he doesn't. He sets his food beside mine and the dog curls up under the coffee table, barely able to fit. Cedric's eyes scan through shelves of movies before he stops, looking over at me.

"Harry, instead of something Ghibli, would you want to watch something else?"

I want to say no, but I honestly don't care about whatever movie he picks. My mind is elsewhere.

"Well, then I want to watch a comedy act, you look down, and I know this will help." He doesn't say any more, or tell me the title, he just takes the disc and sets up the tv.

I eat slowly, not really tasting the food. I really want to call everyone and check on them. I glance over when Cedric sits down and I feel any comfort I once had replaced with an emotional weariness. "Cedric? Can I call my friends and my... godfathers and..." The name Severus burns in my throat, I want to say it but the word doesn't feel right. "call my adoptive father?"

He looks confused, then nods profusely, "Of course you can. I thought you had a phone?"

"I don't."

"Oh," he frowned, "I guess I just assumed."

"It's okay, I think my..." I swallow, my eyes meeting his, "I think my father will allow me to get one if I ask. I memorized your number."

"Here's my cell phone," he muttered, handing it to me, "when you do get a phone... Call me any time. Day or night. I'll always answer."

I nod, taking the flip phone and dialing the school's phone number and after a while of going through the vocal directions I connected to the phone in Severus's room. The phone rang twice before he answered.

"Um, hello?" he asked, voice thick as if he'd been asleep.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" I ask, glancing over at Cedric eating his food, trying his best to give me privacy.

"No, no, that's you, isn't it Harry?"

"Yeah," I smile, "How did you know it was me?"

"Your voice. Anyway, Harry, how are you doing?"

"Pretty good, I guess. I miss you, the school, my friends, I'm hanging out at a friend's house right now."

Cedric looked up at me, head tilted in confusion, mouthing something to me. I whisper a 'hold on' to Severus before putting the cell phone against my chest.

"Sorry, what, Ced?"

He flushes a little at the nickname, pointing at the phone, "Boyfriend?"

I laugh, "No, it's just Severus. My new dad."

"Severus... Severus Snape?"

"Yeah, you went to Hogwarts, right?"

"I did... tell him I said hi."

I nod, putting the phone back to my ear, "Sorry, dad," the words fall from my mouth without a thought and I feel a surprised smile turn up my face as he inhales on his end of the line. "My friend Cedric says hi."

"The Diggory boy? I thought you were at the Malfoys'?"

"Draco went out of town with his dad for a short trip, it got lonely there without anyone other than Dobby, their butler."

He hums in thought, "I hope you had a great holiday, Harry. I'll have a present for you once you get back."

I smile, he really is like the dad I never got to have. "Thanks. I'll get you something if you-"

"No need." he said, no doubt with a smile. "On the next weekend you're back, we'll get your room ready at our house."

I nod even though he can't see it, "Sounds great, I'll see you after the break."

"See you then." he said softly, hanging up.

-.-.-.-.-

I look up and Cedric is watching me with a complacent smile. I grin, shoving his shoulder lightly and dialing the operator and setting up a three-way call between Hermione, Neville, and I. Neville answered immediately.

"Wait, let me put it on speaker so Luna can talk too."

Hermione connected right after, "Hello, Harry. It's about time you called."

"Hello, everyone," Luna said wistfully.

I put my call on speaker, "Guys, this is Cedric, he let me borrow his phone to call you guys."

"Thanks, Cedric." Neville, Luna, and Hermione said over one another.

"No problem," his smile was awkward as he looked embarrassed about the sudden addition he was to the conversation.

"So," I start, my smile becoming a devious grin. "Neville. How is it over at Luna's? Is it cozy?"

"Well, y-yes," he stuttered, no doubt flustered. "and I uh-"

"You won't believe what Neville did, Harry!" Hermione twittered, excited.

"What did he do?" Cedric asked for me.

"He asked me to the Yule Ball," Luna supplied. "It was quite sweet. He even picked me flowers for an hour to ask with."

"Well, I hoped she'd say yes. Otherwise, it would've been embarrassing." he muttered and I nodded.

"Have you gotten a date yet, Harry?" Hermione asked, her excitement boiled down into curiosity.

"Not... _officially_ , no."

"What do you mean officially?" Neville asked.

"So you haven't asked Draco yet?" Luna mused.

The line went silent, even Cedric's breath seemingly stopped in his lungs.

"What would make you think I'd ask Draco?"

"Playing coy doesn't suit you, Harry. Anyhow, I wish you luck. I want to go show Neville the cicada shells in my yard, I'll see you at school, Harry. Have a good break, keep yourself calm. Caio." click. The call ended like that. Neville must've been in shock, well looks like I have some explaining to do...

Hermione's voice seemed flat... like something was off, "I'll see you at school, Harry. Goodbye, Cedric."

"Harry... you like Draco?" Cedric asked, his voice breathless with surprise.

My first response is to say no, to deny the entire thing, to say Luna doesn't mean everything she says, but then I would be lying.

"Yeah, a lot."

"Oh."


	50. Something So Small

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Hedwig's Theme (Organ Rendition) by Dawid Michałowski

 

"Yeah," I mutter, scratching the nape of my neck. "I never considered you may be uncomfortable with me-"

"Liking guys? Harry, don't worry about it. I've had a boyfriend or two in the past, never went anywhere, though. Anyhow, I would be the last person to judge you, Harry, know that."

"Thanks, Cedric. I appreciate it."

"Harry, are you sure about Draco?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, his family is not exactly full of saints. The Desitas Law Firm isn't known for a spotless reputation, you know. It's dangerous to get involved with someone from that kind of background. You might as well be dating someone from the mafia."

He has a point. I guess the thought never really occurred to me. There could be danger in getting involved in his family's business. I still have to wonder if being with Draco is worth it, but when I imagine the look of lust on his face the night we made out, I know that even if I didn't love him, I couldn't stay away.

"It's complicated," the only excuse on the tip of my tongue. It's just short of pathetic, but Cedric nods in understanding.

"Come on, just watch this with me. You seem to be done eating anyway." Cedric pulls a quilt from the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. "Come on. I'll keep you close and you won't have to feel alone. I can tell it's not Draco that bothers you, something else. I don't know what, but I'll be right here. Come on, don't worry about it."

He opens his arms, wrapped in the blanket, and I crawl between his legs and lay my back against his chest. He holds me close, arms wrapped tightly around me, but it doesn't feel romantic. I feel too hollow and he feels too shielding for this to be romantic. It's a comfort. A comfort I feel grateful for as I laugh a little less hollowly over the joke Bill Cosby tells about drugs.

-.-.-.-.-

I wake up sometime around midnight, the digital clock blinking red in the darkness. Glancing up with blurred eyes, I notice Mr. Diggory putting a thicker blanket over us and I give him a sleepy smile. He smiles in return, placing a finger against his mouth in a hush. I nod, laying my head back in the crook of Cedric's neck.

I hear him whisper softly, "Sleep well, Mr. Potter," before I drift back asleep, the closeness to Cedric neither strange or unwarranted. The feeling of pure comfort without nervousness. A domestic-like feeling. I remember Narcissa's words about comfort and scrunch my eyes shut.

I have to sleep. Forget all this. Leave it all behind me.

I repeat these words in my mind until I fall back asleep.

-.-.-.-.-

_ **Tuesday- Day 15** _

I wake up with the sun hitting me square in the face from the swaying slats of light between the blinds. I hiss quietly, curling myself against Cedric and burying my face into his shoulder, his arm supporting my neck. At some point he must have laid us flat on the rug. It wasn't comfortable but I felt worse for Cedric, since he stayed here all night, for me.

I poke his side, exposed where his shirt has shifted in his sleep, and he nods awake.

"Harry," he smiled serenely, "are you feeling any better?"

Even in his sleepy state, he doesn't mention the elephant in the room- our close proximity- nor does he ask the question with expectation for a committal answer. I feel grateful for that.

"Yeah, I think I'll be back to normal very soon. "

Cedric laughed, covering his eyes with his free hand, "Normal is relative, don't be normal."

I want to say I don't even really remember being normal anymore, but I keep it to myself. "Do you normally think everything is funny when you're half asleep?"

He nodded, covering his mouth as he giggled. Cedric really is a sweet guy. He barely knows me but he cares so much, and trusts me so much. I envy his blind faith. To believe so much in someone who could easily be a fraud and yet sleeps with me all night just because I needed it. He trusts in a familiar echo to Dobby. I feel my insides twist when he doesn't answer, just rubs his eyes with the heel of his right hand, waking up.

"Want some breakfast?"

I nod, the domestic feeling washing over me again. Maybe it's not so bad.

"Just toast with jam, please. "

He nods, "Dad will probably be awake soon, let's go on."

I stand and help him up after me, our bones popping in protest.

"Next time we spoon, it should probably be in bed," he jokes, but I don't laugh. It feels too out of place. So he drops the subject and make our toast in silence, his hand never leaving mine on the counter, to reassure me he's there.

Maybe if I'd met Cedric first, we would've been together.

I think he knows that, too.

-.-.-.-

His dad gets up a little while after, mussed hair and a complacent expression as he makes a mug of coffee and toast before returning to his room. He doesn't make conversation, nor does he attempt to ask why we aren't talking once he returns to rinse his dishes. Cedric and I are still eating, slowly and in complete silence.

He comforted me yesterday, but not in the way a normal friend should. Yet, I allowed it. I needed it, but it was probably not the correct decision to make. Draco and I aren't dating, the relationship isn't solidified, and yet I feel like it was cheating.

I voice this to Cedric, deciding that internalizing it wouldn't help either of us. "That being said," I continue, only omitting the mention of Tom Riddle, "since I've come to terms with my parents' murder, the whole issue with him is suddenly in the forefront of my thoughts and it feels a bit difficult to deal with."

"I can understand that," he nodded, his eyes looking away. "You said you've come to terms with it, so does that mean you remember the night your parents died? Since you have photographic memory, and all?"

I shake my head, "Infantile amnesia. However, I remember Tom Riddle's face after seeing his picture in the case files of my parents' murder."

"A file? Is it still open?"

"Cold case. Neville, the boy on the phone from yesterday, his parents worked the case. He gave me the file. He saved it."

"Why would he save something like that?"

"The person who murdered his parents, killed mine too. I can guess why he kept it; to show me what happened, if he ever met me, or to keep it as one of the few things he had of his parents'... It's none of my business, anyhow."

"I see... back on topic. What happened last night," he paused, blinking and his face scrunching a little, "I was being a friend to you, in my own way. If Draco does not understand that, if you decide to tell him, I'll personally explain myself."

I shake my head, "No need. Something as small as that wouldn't break us up. I really think he and I will get together once he gets back. He knows everything and hasn't ran yet, so I'll wait it out. I think he and I can make it work."

"Even though his dad looks down on you?"

"It's status, not the fact I want to date his son. I can tell that much. Whatever happened in the past between him and Blaise obviously didn't phase his dad."

There was a microscopic wince, one l noticed just before it disappeared. He's hiding something from me. Whatever it is must be for my own good. l shouldn't press him.

"Harry," he whispered, "remember what l said about the law firm being dangerous? Just promise to keep that in mind, no matter what happens, okay?"

"I'll remember, I promise." I tell him, my eyes roaming over my leftover food, remaining untouched.

He tried poking at his food a final time with his fork before sliding the plate away. "You know, I'm not so hungry anymore."

I nodded, the silence between us returning, "Let's talk about something else, Cedric. I still have another day here and I don't want things to be awkward between us."

He nodded, an apology on his lips before he swallowed it down, "How about we go into town and do something?"

I remember the date with Draco and my throat closes slightly, the fear of Draco's possible rejection returning.

"Can we just stay here? Teach me something. I like to learn new things."

He frowns, obviously at a loss, and nods. "Alright, I'll let my dad know he can take the truck."

After putting the dishes in the sink, I walk towards Cedric's room, hearing Cedric talking to his dad.

"Harry decided he wants to stay here, so don't worry about leaving the truck here. No, dad, he isn't my boyfriend. Of course, I would tell you if he was. Yeah, I get it, tread lightly. Be careful at work, dad. Love you too. See you tonight. But, before you go-"

I speed up my stride that had been slowed from my eavesdropping, flopping onto the stool in front of the organ. I would rather not be caught snooping. Taking a quick glance through a songbook on the stand, glancing over the diagrams on how to read music and the identification of each key. I open up to the first song in the book, with the easiest difficulty, and begin to play. I hear the front door open slowly, then shut with finality.

The sound of the song is strange, but is pretty nonetheless.

I find myself slow at first, then slowly getting the hang of it. I hear Cedric walk in before I see him, his presence lingering in the doorway. I stop, glancing over at him.

"It sounded good." He commented, the sad smile returning to his face.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"What do you mean? Looking at you like what?"

"Like I'm a dying puppy."

"Well, my mom wrote that song. That was her organ."

Oh. My mouth forms the word but I can't find the breath to say it.

"Will you play some more?"

I nod, turning back around and adjusting my fingers over the keys, playing from the beginning. I feel him loom over me, his chest leaning against my back. The feeling of his ragged breaths as his arms wrap around me make my fingers stutter in their movements. Once I finish, I entwine my fingers in his. His breaths turn into sobs and I pull his arms tighter around me.

I can't do anything, even at the party he had just seemed so tired. Who knows how hong he held these feelings in, or what the final straw was. So, his sobs shaking us both, I let him cry. In that moment, I wish there was a way I knew to comfort him. Some way better than the pathetic attempt I was currently giving him.

"Ced, come on, let's lay down. Talk to me."

He loosened his grip, following me and lying beside me on the bed, facing me.

"I don't, " he tried, hoping his breath was leveled, though it wasn't. "I don't wanna talk about it. Just, please..." he pressed his face into my neck, his face wet. "Let me get this out."

Nanook watched us from outside the door, laying on his stomach with a knowing look in his dark eyes. I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping to soothe him, and eventually he fell asleep.

Looking up and glancing in the eyes of Nanook, I realized the gravity of what I've slowly been realizing. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, and everyone has their own pains and turmoils, I need to acknowledge that. But how can I pick up the pieces of everyone else, and still carry me too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late update. I have nothing to say in my defense other than I have had no access to a computer for about 2 weeks and this site (out of the 3 sites I upload on) is the biggest bitch to try to upload on mobile with. So, I apologise, but here's a longer chapter, anyhow.
> 
> Also, I've been nominated for an Energize W.I.P. Award in the category of "Most promising Slash FanFiction" for Living in My Head.
> 
> The Voting will be from 02. June - 07. June 2015
> 
> So please tell your friends and vote for me! ^-^
> 
> Also, thank you guys so much for your continuous support. I couldn't do any of this without you.


	51. The Night Bus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: Waiting by Sungha Jung
> 
> Sungha Jung is an amazing acoustic artist, who is my age, from Cheongju, South Korea (18) And yet, despite his young age, can create such beautiful music. Very commendable.
> 
> Check him out!
> 
> Again, I've really been digging instrumentals lately for the fic. Sometimes feelings cannot be encompassed in words, and I feel that this story is losing it's ability to be explained in words. So just listen to the song, and feel the story, instead. :)

Then again, I find myself thinking, it should not be considered carrying so much as a shoulder to lean on every once in a while. The need to carry someone is not a true thought, but an inner feeling of obligation. However, this is not an obligation I should be taxed with. So I'll be here, if he needs me, and I, him- but I will not tax him with the turmoils of my mind, and he maybe do the same. I sigh, his frame relaxing and no doubt an apology poised on his tongue.

"Don't," I offer, "don't worry about it."

He nods, looking at me with a shaky smile, "So, now that whole mess is, uh," he clears his throat and rubs the drying tears away with the pads of his fingertips. "Over with, what do you want to do?"

"How about that idea of going into town?" I asked, to which Cedric gave me a concerned look.

"I thought you didn't want to."

"Don't worry about it, let's go."

"Alright, well, only town close by is the one we came through from Draco's."

My stomach twinges, but I manage a smile, "That's fine with me."

He doesn't seem to believe me, but nods anyway. "We'll leave once we both shower and change. You go ahead and use the shower in the bathroom off from the kitchen, I'll go use my dad's."

I nod, "Are the towels and everything already there?"

Cedric lets go, getting up, and nods, grabbing a pair of sweatpants, boxers, and a t-shirt from the dresser drawers beside the bed. He leaves in silence, and I grab clothes from my bag, heading towards the bathroom. I take a leak, the last time feeling like it had been forever ago, and then step into the shower.

The water gets hot quite slowly, but the wait for the hot water to kick as I lean against the wall of the shower makes me think. If Draco comes back and he wants to start dating, where can we even go from there? The school is by no means homophobic, that I can tell by Blaise's forthright behavior. Would Draco want to keep it a secret? No doubt he would lose some of his status by dating a scholarship kid, but I don't believe he really cares about that.

My hand, palm upward under the water, warms and I step under the shower head. Lathering my hair, my thoughts return to my previous train of thought. If he really likes me, like he says he does, we will work through this somehow. We'll find a way.

...

Once I am dressed, my teeth brushed, I head to Cedric's room. Watching him, then following his line of sight, I realize he's throwing darts at a dartboard on the ceiling. Laying beside him, I watch in fascination as he misses every throw, the darts sticking to the outer rings of the board.

"You're awful at this," I chuckle, looking over at him.

He shrugs, uncaring, "I suck at just about everything. I'm pretty good at soccer, though. I play for the college team."

"Really," I ask, throwing a dart, it hitting me square in the mouth. "did you play at the academy?"

He nodded, "I played Winger, still do, actually."

"That's what position I play," I grin.

We really are alike, almost too perfect for each other. I want to say it's unnerving, but it doesn't exactly  _feel_  that way. It feels more like the comfort that Narcissa talked about. I think this is the real manifestation of what she had warned me about. A business arrangement, or at least that would be what it would turn into after a certain amount of time. The love faded, replaced with convenience.

If I hadn't met Draco first, that is probably what I would have wanted. Stability, no risk, but who am I to think so? Now that I've met Draco I am willing to take risks. Shouldn't that make the reward something even better once attained?

Cedric must've noticed me spacing out because he grabbed a wallet and strung a lanyard around his neck with a student ID on it.

"Ready?" he asked, to which I nodded and pulled on my jacket from my bag.

Once we reached the street, I realized there was no car since his dad borrowed it. I looked to him to ask but he was already walking to a sign that read "BUS STOP". Well, I guess that answered that question.

He lead the way and waited with me there until a bus pulled up with a Nightingale painted across the side, he getting on and I followed behind. Sitting in the back with him, I noticed almost everyone on the bus looked like college students. After pointing it out to him, he gave me an affirming nod.

"Yeah, it's the Auror Nightingale's college shuttle. Takes you to the college, to the town nearby, and to the train station. There's bus stops all over the place, since almost every person who goes to college in the area goes there. It's one of the best schools out there. The Ministry of Education designed it themselves for future teachers and lawyers. Draco will probably end up going there too, eventually. It's a jewel in the Malfoy crown, you know, their family has gone there since the school's founding. The Malfoy line consists solely of teachers and lawyers."

I wanted to tell him not to talk about Draco, that I didn't want to think about him, but who am I kidding. I couldn't stop thinking about him if I tried, even if I wanted to, I doubt I could. Reaching a hand up, I tapped Cedric's shoulder, bringing him back from his staring off into space.

"Hey, Ced, where we going first?"

"I was thinking we could go by the bookstore, grab a couple books I need for class, if that's okay with you."

I nodded, it was reasonable enough, seeing as he was entertaining me for two days. The college bookstore I'd seen when I was in town with Draco looked really nice from the window display. Looking out the window, the time seemed to crawl as the trees filtered the light of the sun, snow falling in small spurts and melting before hitting the ground.


	52. The Freezing Chill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song: My Obsession by Skillet

The bus stopped on the outskirts of the small town, letting Cedric and I off before he turned up his collar, walking with his hands in his pockets toward the shop. I followed suit, my breaths coming out as white puffs of air. After a few experimental breaths of pretending to be a dragon, he gave me a small smile, the cold already tinting his cheeks pink.

"So how did you like the Night Bus?"

"Night Bus?"

"Yeah, that's what everyone calls it. Much shorter than The Nightingale. Plus, you can find it at any time, even in the darkest parts of town at the latest times of the night. It's a little creepy, actually." Cedric asked, letting out a shaky laugh.

"Seemed alright. Why did that old guy have a shrunken head in the front with him?"

"Never really asked, I swear I think I hear it talk sometimes." he grinned and I laughed, bumping his shoulder with mine.

"Bull- _shit_!" I yelled, disbelieving.

Cedric shrugged one shoulder then the other in quick succession. I rolled my eyes in response, still smiling. Dork.

"We're here."

I looked at the sign as we walked in and a shiver ran down my spine. This is not a college bookstore, like I thought it would be. It was Olivander's.

The man looked up from his logbook, his eyes betraying the shock at seeing me. "Oh, hello again, Mr. Potter."

I spare a look to him but my eyes turn down in shame, this feels wrong. Going where Draco and I did, but with Cedric. It feels wrong.

Cedric goes off on his own to look for books and I stand by Olivander, silent. He doesn't look over at me and I don't look at him, either. Once Cedric comes back to pay for his books, my legs are itching to run away from here and back home. But what home? What home is truly mine?

* * *

Walking down the strip, my eyes are glued downward a yard ahead of me. Jesus, I had no clue I could feel like this. This fucking  _bad_ over absolutely  _nothing._

"Harry, what's wrong? You seem down all of a sudden. Did I do something?"

I shake my head, eyes not leaving the spot ahead of me, "This feels wrong."

"Wrong? Why?"

"I'm spending time with you but all I think of is what Draco would think."

"It's not healthy to worry so much about his approval." he muttered, stopping his stride to look at me.

"Healthy or not, he makes me happy."

"Sorry I'm not good enough, Harry, but you only have one more night. Then he'll be home soon."

I feel a pooling of bile move from my stomach to the bottom of my throat, I feel beyond guilty for making him feel so bad but being away from Draco doesn't feel right. It feels as though a part of me is missing, and even though I know my feelings (love?) for him at this point is borderline obsessive, it's like a drug. I feed off of him just being near me, as though he's the sunlight I need to keep growing. I look back to the ground and don't fight for something to say to make him feel better. He'd know I was just trying to make him feel better. I bite my lip and we continue walking side-by-side as the cold air burns my face in the freezing chill.

* * *

We get back to the house and I frown, my shoulders and back sore from the nervous tension I've gained from our long walk to the bus station and the ride back to the house in complete silence.

It's unspoken.

He knows that I don't wanna be here anymore, even if returning to the Malfoy manor means I'm returning to an empty house. I want to be in the place that has echoes of Draco lining the halls, and his books lining the shelves of his library. Even the promise of Dobby, his warm smile and fatherly air about him welcomes me back. I need family, even if it's not really mine, as opposed to feeling like an outsider to this one.

I can't stand it anymore.

We're sitting on the floor now, the television on but neither of us watching it, more like just staring in it's general direction. I speak up.

"If you don't mind, can I go ahead home?"

"My dad hasn't brought the truck back yet." he says with a reservation in his tone. "But if you can't wait until he gets back tonight, you can take the bus. Just tell them where you want to go. He usually only takes people who registered for the bus, but as long as you don't talk to him, he won't ask you why you didn't show your card."

I nod, "I'm sorry, I'm just-"

"Suffocating?" he finishes for me, and I nod.

"I get it. Really, I do. Just, be careful, okay? Draco may not be a threat, but his family is a force to be reckoned with."

I thank him, going into the bedroom and packing up my things before giving him a forced smile and walking out the door towards the bus stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Again, sorry about updating late.. this site is very much not mobile friendly. But I just got my laptop back so I may be getting better about it. The schedule of updates will be crazy due to writer's block but I will always update on a sunday from now on. 
> 
> With love,  
> deathbyinsomnia (Danny C)


	53. Feeling So Helpless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: I Walk Beside You by Dream Theater

 

The bus ride took longer than I had expected, and I arrived at the Malfoy estate in the late afternoon. Walking slowly up the long driveway, I felt my stomach drop at the sight of Draco sitting on the front porch, his hand holding up his chin. His eyes were closed and he didn't call out to me. As I edged closer, as quietly as I could manage, I noticed a dark circle around the bottom of his eye and a gash on the bridge of his nose.

"Draco?" I asked quietly, stopped at the bottom of the steps, looking down at him.

"Harry... You're back." the voice that came from his throat was different, it was relieved, tired, and something sadder.

"Draco, what happened to your eye? And why are you home so early? You still have a couple of days."

"Had. He sent me home early. He didn't want to look at me. I didn't really want to look at him, either."

"Want to talk about it?" I asked, and he shook his head.

"It's none of your concern."

"Right." I felt myself saying, bitterness laced in my tone. I was so wishing to see him and this is my greeting. I walk past him and into the house, taking the bag straight up to Draco's library and closing the door. Two can play at that game. I pulled out the final book of the stack, Sheep Corpses and War Drums, and open it with a heavy sigh.

I get halfway through page 43 when I notice Draco standing in the doorway, and he seems quieter than usual. There's no doubt something happened with his dad, but whether whatever happened was on purpose or not, I had no clue.

"How was Cedric's?"

"You know him?" I ask, in mock curiosity, a look of defiance in my eyes as I meet his.

"You're avoiding the subject."

"Had a great time, his dog is a real sweetheart, so is he. He's a great cook, too. Also, Olivander says hi." I added the last part just for pure spite and I feel his rage radiate through the room.

"Glad you had fun without me, give me those books beside you since you aren't reading them." It sounds angry, that much I can tell, but his voice catches and I want to apologize, yet I keep my mouth shut.

I hand him the books, without a word, and go back to reading. The next time I see him is at the dining room table after Dobby came to tell me dinner was prepared.

...

By the time I reach the table, he's shovelling food into his mouth so fast that he's sure to be finished before I eat my food. He left the table with a quiet excuse, bounding out of the room, and I glanced over at Narcissa. Her expression was sour, she said nothing. I wondered to myself if she would answer if I asked a question.

"Narcissa." The word is short, and she meets my eyes, daring me to ask what I knew we were both itching to discuss.

"His father is not an irrational man, Harry. I highly doubt what happened was unprovoked," she tries, mumbling the words quickly.

I felt disgust rise in my throat, "Are you saying he deserved to be hit like he did?"

"I'm not saying he deserved it, I'm saying that he must have provoked Lucius."

Despite how angry I was (and am) at Draco, he doesn't deserve that. Even treating me like a total outsider doesn't make him deserve whatever happened.

"I'm taking my food upstairs." I told her, not listening to her sounds of protest as I lifted my plate up the stairs and into Draco's library, holing myself back into the place meant to be his sanctuary. His sanctuary that I have, again, taken on as my own within his own home. Unfair, but not unpredictably so. I've been known to be selfish on occasion.

I know that it is extremely rude of me to not follow their rules (eating dinner at the table) but I can't find it in me to really care. With the lights turned out, the sun beginning to set over the horizon, I can't seem to find it in me to apologize. I want to, my heart says I'm being petty and unreasonable, but my head tells me I'm rightfully angry.

So here I am, torn between heart and mind. Here I squirm helplessly to find a reason to run to him and curl up to him. To apologize and give in.

That being said, neither of us will ever give into the need to fall to the side of the other. I think we have too much pride. Regardless, I need his touch, his voice, his smile, because I am dying here.

...

I look at the door longingly, my plate empty, and after a minute or so of staring at the door, I stop. Putting the plate on the floor by the window, I open Sheep Corpses and War Drums and find myself lost in the story.

...

The next time I look up is once it's become too dark to see the words typed in the book. I raise slowly, my bones popping as I pull myself out of my chair and into a standing position. I need to get to bed.

I set the book in the chair and walk into Draco's room. He's already asleep on top of his bed, curled into a ball and shivering. I reach out a hand and tousle his hair, the blond craning into the touch in his sleep. I feel a pang of guilt at shutting him out, then I press a kiss to his forehead and pull the comforter from the other bed, tucking it around him.

I strip to my underwear and slide into the sheets on the empty bed beside me and prepare myself to fall asleep. My voice betrays me and I tell Draco goodnight, no response coming back to me from his sleeping state. It makes a leaden feeling settle in my gut.

Turning away from him and toward the window, I stare outside and a feeling of longing returns. I miss my friends, I miss Severus, and I miss my teachers. I don't like being stuck, without a means of escape, it makes me feel so helpless.

Maybe I'll forgive him in the morning.


	54. Forgiven, Not Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.  
> Chapter song: Falling (Instrumental) by Datsik

_Wednesday- Day 16_

The morning came and Draco was not in his bed, and the room very... empty. The bed was made and the room was exceptionally neat, as though he'd cleaned after getting up. The thought made me sad, he didn't wake me. I got out of bed, not straightening the sheets, and returned to the window to look out over the property.

Including today, it's only 2 days until New Year's Eve. Draco's father will arrrive home that afternoon, and the thought makes me sick. How can I look a man in the face when he did that to his own son, especially since I love that stubborn son of his?

Snow was covering the ground, thick and unscathed by human prints. I didn't dare open the french doors, I closed the curtains and made my slow walk to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Even while brushing my teeth, I found myself wanting to visit Castiel but deciding he was better off not seeing me upset.

....

I skipped breakfast, going back to reading  _Sheep Corpses and War Drums_ , getting lost in the story. No one came to tell me to go downstairs, so I found myself worrying over Dobby. I hope he doesn't think I'm angry with him. I close the book and feel a pulsation in my head, a headache is coming on.

I could suffer through it, but that would be stupid. I stand, making my way to the hallway bathroom, instead of Draco's. There must be something here. Something helpful. Draco's is bare, save for the essential hygiene things.

I opened the medicine cabinet, greeted with prescriptions and medicines out the ying-yang. Jeez. You'd think they had their own private pharmacy. I take a glance at some of the bottles, hoping for something I could recognize.

 _Aderall_ ,  _Xanax, Vallium,_ and some  _heavy_ -duty cough syrup _..._ Jesus. This is a druggie's paradise. They're all prescribed to Lucius. This explains a lot. Maybe he's- no. This is none of my damn business.

I find a small box of ibuprofen and down a pill, dry. Felt like shit but, it'll help. I close the cabinet door and return to the small library. Draco's waiting for me, plate in-hand.

"You missed breakfast."

I shrugged, feeling a bit of shame clawing inside me, "I figured you didn't want me there."

"I'm hurt, Harry. I'm hurt because you saw I was bothered and instead of consoling me, you decided to get angry. You can't treat  _me_  like the bad guy, here." he told me, setting the plate on the window sill.

"I just wanted to know what happened. I'm  _frustrated_  because you don't trust me enough to tell me why your dad  _fucking_  hit you!" I half-yell, my throat dry and burning.

"It's not something I want you to worry about."

"Yeah," I hiss, "not my  _concern_ , right?"

"Don't you do that shit, Harry. Not to me."

"Then  _tell_  me!"

"Harry. My family doesn't have the most," he paused, taking a deep, shaking breath before running twitching fingers through his hair, "definitely not the most, clean-cut business in the industry. There are things that I can't tell you, things that could put you in danger."

"Then don't tell me. I just wanna know what happened."

"He hit me," he started.

"I figured that much."

"He hit me with a gun." he corrected.

Shock hit me like an anvil, "What?"

"It was when I was telling my father that you and I were getting close. That I wanted to begin dating you. He said it was impossible, that I was a disgrace to the family. So, in front of the family and colleagues, he pulled a gun from the back of his waistband and he hit me."

I could see tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt my heart curl in on itself. Oh god. I didn't meant to make him cry. I find myself speechless, reaching out to touch his bruised cheek but he flinches. I move my hand away. It must still hurt. Shit.

"Once I hit the ground, he kicked me a few times. I didn't break anything, I don't think, I'm going to the doctor's today to check but... it really hurts."

I didn't wait for his permission, pinching the material of his shirt between two fingers and pulling it up. God. He's covered in them. Bruises. There's at least 7 here. What was he fucking  _wearing_ , steel-toed  _boots_?! And why didn't anyone fucking  _help him._

I let go of his shirt and glare at him, "You should've told me."

"And said what? 'Hey, Harry, my dad hit me with a pistol for defending your honor, hope you don't mind.' Yeah, right."

I looked at him skeptically, "My honor?"

"Can't say."

"Did you mean my literal honor or like the metaphor for my virginity or some shit?"

"Won't say."

I feel overcome with irritation again, "I forgive you, shithead, but you better make it up to me."

He nods, "I will. My appointment should be soon, so I'm going to head out.  _Please_  eat something, and pop in to see Dobby. He's worried about you."

"Sure, where can I find him?"

"The basement. He said he was cleaning today."

I nod, going to sit at the window to eat.

Draco seemed breathless, "I missed you, Harry. I still want to give us a try."

"Even with your dad?" I find my voice losing it's edge, it's brashness, as my voice quiets.

"He's my dad, not my dictator." He whispered, a wry smile distorting his features.

With that, he left me to myself and I ate my oatmeal in silence, staring out the window.

....

In a half-hour or so, I found myself walking slowly down the stone stairs to the basement, a shiver going up my spine. It was colder than the freezer isle down there.

There stood Dobby, an open book in his hands, just staring at the pages. Once my feet touched the concrete landing it was as though he's been shocked. His eyes shot to mine and a nervous smile crossed his face, eyes not leaving mine as he closed the book.

"Dobby, what's that?"

He shifted the book to the only piece of furniture, save for the bed, a small wooden bench no more than two feet long.

I kept watching him and a feeling of unease swept over me. Just what is he hiding?


	55. The Photo Album

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Photo Albums by Daniel Licht (from Dexter)

My eyes were glued to the book, squinting my eyes to see if I could find something on the cover as a clue to what it was hiding, what  _Dobby_  was hiding.

"So you're cleaning?" I ask, raising my eyes from the book to him.

He nods, his words forming slowly as though he was lost in thought, "Yes, just going through some old things. I'm glad to see your up, Draco seemed worried, did you guys work things out?"

I shrugged, stepping further into the room, "As much as we could, I guess. It's... complicated."

"This is about his father, isn't it?" Dobby asked, arms crossing over his chest.

"He wouldn't tell me until this morning. I was frustrated, and I got short with him. I had a right to know."

"Harry, you no right whatsoever to treat him that way. You had no 'right' to know. He is not your property, just as you are not his. What he tells you is at his own discretion, and I overheard the conversation. I happened to be dusting nearby, and let me say that you were wrong. I like you, and you are good for Draco, but what he doesn't tell you is not your business. Don't act like a child. I understand you like Draco, I can tell that much, but I can also tell you're inexperienced, insecure, and possessive. If you want to have a chance with him, that has to stop, do you understand?"

I bow my head in shame, he can see right through me. Yeah, I'm inexperienced with relationships, I'm insecure because of that, and I'm possessive because I'm terrified I'll lose him.

"Harry, look at me." he tells me, and I screw my eyes up to look at him from the corner of my eyes. "Don't be like that. I know you haven't known Draco for long and the speed your relationship is going scares you, but you either need to slow it down or keep up with the speed. It's your decision whether or not it works out. Get to know him more, spend time together, breathe each other's air, just get closer to him. Then, maybe those things holding you back will go away."

I nod weakly, I'm not entirely sure anymore. I felt like things could be fine just a while ago when I was talking to Draco, now I'm not so sure. I feel like once Draco and I part ways, even from a conversation, I inadvertently hold my breath until his return. It's unnatural. Does he even feel the same for me? Judging by the look on Dobby's face, an imploring expression, I feel that maybe it could be mutual.

"I get it," I tell him with a brisk nod, "I'll do better."

"Don't make any promises you can't keep," Dobby warned, "for Draco's sake."

I want to change the subject to a more comfortable one, I think, shifting my bare feet on the cold, concrete floor.

"What's in that book?" I ask boldly, pointing to it.

"Memories," he whispers fondly, "would you... like to see?"

I nod, smiling, "I would really like to."

Picking up the book, he sits on the side of the bed, and I join him, waiting in anticipation for him to open the book.

The first page, the book tinted slightly with age, begins with a young boy, aged about 5, wearing a burlap sack with a big grin on his face. The picture is old, that much I can tell, the date in the bottom corner reading "Oct. 31st, 1968". Dobby grins and points at the description under the picture, which I suppose his mom or dad wrote (his mom, if I had to guess). "Dobby is dressed up as a thing he calls a house elf," he reads, the description short but beautifully written.

The next is what looks like his first day of middle school (judging by the sign in the background that says Harris' Secondary School), he's wearing loafers with ankle socks, khaki shorts with a worn polo shirt, his books hugged tightly to his chest as fear covers his features. The description reads: "Little Dob is scared for his first day, but he'll do great."

Next is a photo of him in a suit, eyes cold, cheeks blotchy. It seems as though he'd been crying, his expression empty, knuckles white as he clutches a suitcase. The description reads: "Aug. 1, 1979. The day Dobby will start working and living at the Manor." He barely looked 16, I doubt he was allowed to go to school too. I voice my question.

"No, I had to drop out of school. Lucius's father, Abraxas, wanted me to focus, so I wasn't distracted by the idea of school. My family was paid well, and I was given food and shelter, so I had no room to complain."

I scoffed, "No room to complain? He made you drop out of school and live here so he could enslave you and gave you money in return?"

"Yes, money. Money that paid for my father's hospital bills, money that gave my mother a roof over her head and food in her belly, money that paid for his and my mother's funerals, money that pays for  _my_  funeral expenses, and money for when I am retired and no longer useful here. I am grateful for all they have done for me."

I bite my tongue, "I'm being disrespectful, I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, "Thank you for being angry on my behalf."

"No problem." I mutter, Dobby could never be angry at anyone. I don't doubt he wants to be angry, but he probably doesn't know how to be.

He turns the page, a picture of a younger, happier Narcissa holding a baby. Draco? Why is he in the album?

"I was there for his birth," Dobby smiles, "Lucius doubted he would make the delivery due to his busy schedule, so I attended the private sessions in the manor a doctor gave on how to give birth properly. After Narcissa held him," he pointed to a photo below it, "I got to."

Dobby looked so happy, he was crying. He held Draco flush to his chest, looking at him with love in his eyes.

"I'd never held a baby before, even though I was mid-30's. Draco had smiled at me, pawing at me, and I knew he would make a difference in my life."

Dobby turned the page, showing Draco riding a green tricycle, tongue between his lips in focus. The picture below it looked like him as a chubby 4-year-old playing pirates (complete with plastic sword and outfit), Dobby confirmed the suspicion.

The page turned, a photo of Draco in a private school uniform for elementary school, a grin on his face. The one below it at a birthday party, his eyes closed as he makes a wish on his candles.

The page turned, him smiling and holding a soccer trophy, pushing it out proudly towards the camera. The one below it at a soccer game, his smile weak and tired, dripping with sweat as he sat on the bench. It looked like he didn't know the picture was being taken.

The page turns, he's obviously faking a smile, holding up a perfect report card for middle school. The picture below it is with him sitting on a rock by the lake in the yard, skipping rocks.

The page turns, Draco is hugging Dobby fiercely, holding a present box in his hands. Draco's crying. Narcissa probably took the picture. The one below it is of Draco reading, it looks fairly recent, at least only a year or so old, and he's smiling softly. He doesn't know his picture's been taken.

The page turns, and Draco is laying face-up in the grass, arms and legs spread wide, staring at the sky. It looks like the picture is taken from the upstairs window. The pictures end.

The air between Dobby and I is stale and unbreathable. I let out a short breath, I know Dobby noticed it. Draco got sadder as the years went on. He looked more tired, worn out. The picture where he was reading was the worst. His face looked haunted, thinner, and his smile stretched his face weakly.

"What happened?"

Dobby shrugged, his hands quietly closing the book and setting it beside him on the bed. "A mixture of things, but I think it all leads back to his father." Dobby stands, grabbing a broom to sweep, and I'm left sitting on the bed.

Dobby was more than a father to him, no doubt he was most important to him. There's more than Lucius, I can tell. Draco looked ill for a while there. What happened to Draco?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.   
> I gave Dobby a lot of time to talk because, quite frankly, I always felt he deserved to have more room to speak. Even though I diverge from canon by making changes, I feel it improves the story, overall. Anyhow, cheers.  
> -deathbyinsomnia


	56. Long Story, Short

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.  
> Chapter song: Elegy op. 24 (composed by Gabriel Faure)

As I watch Dobby, his steps slow as he sweeps into a dustpan. I let my eyes travel over his hands, then to his expression, lost in thought.

"What happened to Draco? He looked really sick for a while there, in the album." My question makes his expression darken, his back turning rigid.

"It's a long story."

"I have time."

"It's also not my place to tell," Dobby clarifies.

I sigh, nodding, "Right." I nod, my voice tinged with bitterness. "Anyhow, I'm going upstairs to read, if you want to join me."

Dobby heard the invitation in my tone, "I'll be up soon. I need to prepare the house for the next party."

Leaving him alone, I retrieved the book from upstairs and laid across the couch comfortably. Narcissa walked through the front door, closing the door behind her, and turning to face me, her eyes blown wide with shock when she saw me.

"Oh, Harry. You... startled me."

"I was just reading, Lady Narcissa." I tell her, smiling a little in amusement as she grins over the nickname.

"Lady Narcissa? Am I of pure, royal blood, now?" her tone teasing, putting a lock of hair behind her ear as she retrieves a bag from the kitchen.

"Well, you do live in a castle."

"It's a manor, Harry, not a castle."

She knew I was trying to goad conversation out of her, but she didn't seem to mind.

"A castle of sorts, then," I correct myself, "a castle relative to houses."

She nodded, her smile fading, "I left my bag behind, I didn't think you were still here. I had assumed you left because of how Draco had been acting."

"How had he been acting?" I asked, curious.

"Like he'd been dumped," she answered honestly. "I'd only seen him act like that one other time, though it was a different story." I was going to ask why, but her expression betrayed a look of shame, like she'd said too much. "I have to go back to work. Tell Draco that if he wants to, he can take his bike and you two can go drive to town for the night. I know he's dying to get out of this house, Harry. He feels caged here. Please show him a good time, I'm counting on you."

She waved over her shoulder as she stepped out the door, giving me a sense of peace. Narcissa may not be the best mom in the world; she's passive, distant, and submissive- but she genuinely wants the best for Draco, even if she is too scared to do it herself. For that, I can commend her.

Returning to the book, the story takes a turn. It is no longer about the war of an endless dictatorship, no longer about the death of thousands, it became about the love between two refugees. The love between them could end the war, it could end the war in fire, or in peace. The story is pessimistic, the world around the young couple divided in every way, so they grew apart.

_I'm not liking this story..._

...

Draco returned home soon after I finished reading the book. My eyes were tired, and my mind was weary from the story's ending. Once he stepped through the door I found myself reaching for him, needing him.

Dobby, having left back for the basement once I was too into the book to read to him anymore, was nowhere to be seen. Draco seemed worn out but smiled when he saw me, hugging me close. I repeated his mother's message to him.

"Once we drive down there, we wouldn't have very long to look around before things get too dark."

I nodded in understanding, "We could take a walk."

Smiling, he took my hand and lead me to the hall closet. "It may not be super cold during the daytime but you'll need these at night, trust me."

He helped me put on a plump winter coat, a woolen scarf, and gloves. He put on the same, but all a bit larger and in green while mine were a mix of colors. We walked out onto the deck and down the stairs, making our way through the dusting of snow, towards the lakeside.

"Draco, I thought we were going to take a walk?"

"I want to show you something first." The words seemed hollow, faded, and I wondered what he possibly could have wanted to show me. The walk was slow, the grass crunching beneath our shoes. When we got closer, I realized that we were going to a graveyard.

He opened the metal gate with twitching fingers, having taken his gloves off to better unlock the picketed fencing. The door squeaked open, falling inward due to elevation, and he lead me inside.

I see names: Black, Lupin, Malfoy, Lestrange, all these names... and something feels wrong about it. "Draco, why did you bring me here?"

"The doctor said I cracked ribs, meaning no bad fractures or breaks, but all-in-all, I'll be right as rain in a few weeks."

"You're avoiding the question." I press, my hand squeezing his to make him look at me.

"He could've done much worse, Harry. I could've been seriously injured."

"Draco, what are you getting at?"

"What I said, about 'your honor', I'd meant that my father questioned your motives for staying by my side. He thinks you may be involved with me to become allies with a rich, powerful, and influential family." I was about to defend myself but he shook his head, "Don't bother, I know that isn't the reason. I just, I want you to know what you're getting into. I don't want you to have any regrets."

"Regrets? Like what?" I asked.

His eyes turned glassy, "I'm more than a little broken, Harry. Not just because I'm bruised up. I have baggage,  _damage_ , I could never ask you to accept-"

"I understand more than you think I do," I offered, touching the top of an unmarked headstone. "I'm a big boy, Draco."

"If you insist," Draco teased weakly, "Come on, let's go out for that walk."


	57. Weight of Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Gravity by A Perfect Circle

We walked by the water, the gravestones still lingering in my mind.

Lupin...

Black...

Those are the surnames of my godfathers, are they related to Draco? And if so, how distant? Are they also a part of the Malfoy "family business", whatever that really is? How deep does it all run?

I feel our walking come to a stop, and Draco's eyes are trained on me. "Harry, you're overthinking things again. Something is bothering you."

I shake my head, I really am overthinking this. This is one of the last days I can truly be alone with him before school starts up again. I need to make the best of it. Reaching out and, grasping for his hand, I pulled him closer and kissed his cheek.

"You're right, I'm sorry, how about that date from The Notebook I was promised?" I laugh, pawing at him teasingly.

His expression brightens, a joking smile returning to his face, "Oh really? 'Cos I vaguely remember you choosing the other option."

"Well, I choose this one now." I grinned, laying my head on his shoulder, looking up at him.

He nodded, so I removed my head from his neck, following his lead back towards the dock. The dock was long and narrow, with only one boat tied up, a small rowboat waiting in the still water. Looks like he wasn't kidding. Definitely Notebook-worthy.

I stand at the base of the dock, my arms crossed over my chest, watching Draco with an empty feeling in my gut. Every second that Draco makes me happy, a sad thought always tries to take it's place. The image of his haunted expression from the photos darken my mood. I joined him in the boat, Draco rowing us out from the docks.

As I watched Draco's look of concentration, I could practically see the photo in Dobby's album. The shell of a person with a ghost of a smile, pale, and seemingly fading into the woodwork. The sickness in his eyes.

"Draco,"

"Yeah."

"What happened last year?"

He flinched, as though he'd got a sudden chill. He pulled the oars inside the boat and gave me a weak look. "What do you mean?"

"I saw a picture of you, it had to be a bit over a year old. You looked sick... really sick, and sad, I was wondering what happened."

"Harry, have I ever told you I have a deep-seated fear of being hated?" Draco asked, eyes not meeting mine. I found myself irritated, he was avoiding the subject. Why does he always do that? What is he afraid of?

"No but, Draco, what happened?"

"Well, if you've done any exploring of the house, you've seen the pill bottles in the cabinet."

"Those are your dad's, right?"

"No," he whispered, shame darkening his grey eyes. "They're mine."

"What?"

"Didn't think your 'perfect boyfriend' had any flaws, huh?" His tone sounded quipped and bitter, then took on a sadder note. "Well, I do. I was prescribed for all those medicines at one point or another, evenutally my doctor said I didn't need any of them anymore, that I had gotten better... but then things got worse. My need to have those medicines, to feel sane, was too much. I abused them. I overdosed. I got so fucking trashed that I didn't know my left from my right half the time."

He scratched at his arms, looking at his gloves in pure anger before ripping them off and throwing them to the floor of the boat, scratching at his forearms.

I'd heard of nervous ticks like this in former addicts but I'd never seen Draco do this before. Not this bad. I reach out and grasp his wrists, forcing him to stop. Maybe it was a panic reaction triggered by the memory. I walk a few steps, carefully, and sit beside him on the bench. The boat looks sturdy enough to keep from flipping, hopefully.

"Look at me, Draco. Forget the Itch. Talk to me. Tell me what happened."

He looked between my hands and his in a panic before taking a couple of breaths to relax a little, his shoulders slumped and his eyes found mine. They'd turned a bleak grey, like they had in the photo. I did this. I brought this back.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, edging closer slowly and wrapping my arms around him. He didn't resist. "I'm so sorry, Draco." I can't believe I did this.

He clung to me and started to cry, his body convulsing with sobs. Shit... I really fucked up this time. Why can't I just ever leave well enough alone?

I half-heartedly pat his back a few times, feeling really useless. I kiss his brow and set my forehead against his, his body still shaking. I hum some nonsense tune to him, rubbing his back and holding tightly to him. Everyone's got cracks in their shell, I know that. I've always known that. I just never knew that a single word or touch could make the cracks become a crater. That the crater is just beneath the surface, and will eventually just be hidden again.

He'd probably kept those pills so far in the back of his mind that the mere mention of them made him want to return to the false solace they, no doubt, gave him. I had the occasional problem with self-harm. I knew that. For the most part, I never got the urge, so I never had to control it.

Draco doesn't have that luxury. He probably will remember it now with every waking moment. I brought the memories back of something he wanted to forget. I did a number this time, and I don't think I can ever fully repair the damage I've just done.

"Harry, stop blaming yourself." Draco half-smiled at seeing my struck expression, "I hit the nail on the head, huh? At least we know your flaw now. I'm a druggie, and you are so self-centered you insist on blaming everything on yourself." He had a tone of humor but he was obviously scolding me, telling me that I shouldn't blame myself.

"Then who should I blame?" I ask, heart aching as I see his expression slack.

"You blame me, I did it to myself. Events occurred that were out of my control, things I've come to terms with, but I handled them badly. I turned to drug abuse and that was a bad decision on my part, I know that, but it was the best of the two ideas I had at the time."

"The other idea?"

"I think it goes without saying, Harry."

"I was hoping you would say something that told me that wasn't what you'd meant."

"They were dark times for me, Harry. You, of all people, should understand dark times." Draco's breath settled, his heartbeat slowing as fog escaped between his lips.

"Why do you say that?" I ask, how could he know about my past. Does he know my parents were murdered? How could he? He was too young to remember.

Unless, someone told him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Sorry about the late update on this site, the only excuse is AGAIN the fact that I cannot update on mobile.   
> I'm a college student and my writing life revolves entirely around my smartphone that I always keep handy.  
> That being said, if you want regular updates, I highly suggest reading this story on Wattpad or FF.NET
> 
> With love,   
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	58. Dynamics in Misunderstanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.  
> Chapter song: A Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, offended. I know he's hurting right now but that's really bad timing if this is when he's trying to tell me he knows I'm an orphan.

"I didn't mean anything by it," he mutters, looking ashamed, "I just meant that your anxiety, in a way it's like how I abused drugs. It's a coping mechanism for things."

I was still offended, but he didn't seem to know, or he wasn't going to say it here. For that, I was glad. It would really put the nail in the coffin on the death of the potential for this date. Well, either way it's going to hell in a hand-basket, fast.

"We should row back towards the shore, it's gonna get dark soon." I tell him, and he nods, peeling off of me and going to grab the oars. I shake my head, taking them gently from his hands, "I got it, Drake. Don't worry about it."

He reaches out and puts a hand above my knee, anchoring himself to me as I row slowly towards the shore. I've never rowed a boat before, that much is obvious. He watches me with a tint of humor in his eyes, and I feel like the date wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Draco and I have a strange relationship. The dynamic hinges on misunderstanding and our little spats until we understand again. It's foreign to me, and seems a bit unhealthy too, but it works for us.

Once the dock is less than a foot away, I stand on shaky legs in the boat and jump onto the dock. When I almost fall face-first into the water, Draco tries to hide a (poorly) concealed laugh, but he helps me tie up the boat from his spot inside it. I help him onto the dock and he pretends to swoon, making me smile.

This thing between us works, and it's my main concern that it continues to work.

* * *

 

We return to the mansion to find Narcissa drinking a glass of wine in the kitchen, having a quiet and seemingly serious talk with Dobby. Draco is walking ahead, as though the event is normal, but I find myself glued to the sight. Dobby reaches out, caressing the woman's face before kissing the top of her head and leaving the kitchen towards the basement door, seemingly not having saw me.

It's at this point I run quickly on sock-clad feet, catching up to Draco and stepping fast up the stairs. I reach Draco's room without falling once, which I find a personal goal, and flop on the bed closest to me. Draco belly-flops onto the other bed, and I can't hide my curiosity anymore.

"Why was Dobby moving in on your mom? You didn't do anything, so are you okay with her cheating?" I ask, brashly, but I figured I could've said it worse.

"Dobby?" he laughed, "God, no. He wasn't-" he stops to laugh more. "He's not interested."

"He's gay?" I ask, and he shakes his head in response.

"Nope. He isn't really interested. I don't really know how to describe it, but he's told me before. Let me think," after a minute or two of silence, he seems to remember. "Oh! Well, this isn't entirely verbatim but he said something to the effect of 'I don't find interest in anyone, really, I just try to be friendly'."

"So, like, he's never-?" I make a crude gesture with my fingers, too embarrassed at my ignorance to say the word 'sex'.

Draco shakes his head, "No, he has. He apparently tried experimenting with different genders while he was out traveling with my grandfather when he was in his teens, my grandfather insisted he at least try, but no, he said they did nothing for him."

I'm shocked, "Hasn't he at least dated someone?"

Draco shrugs, "No one worth mentioning, apparently. He said he never really cared for dating, he preferred having friends."

I remember the day I saw him praying and the image of him basked in light made me look towards the window, towards the setting sun. Reminded me of depictions of pure figures in renaissance art. Draco looked too, he may be seeing the same thing in his mind. Getting up, I laid beside him and curled next to his side.

"Dobby seems like he's got it all figured out." I admit, and Draco nods.

"He was like that even when I was a kid. I remember him always smiling differently at me than others. He always made every word, every glance, every touch with every person he's ever met mean something and I want to be able to say I can do that, one day." Draco confessed, turning his head back to face me.

"You will." I tell him, kissing him quickly on the lips.

"One more?" Draco asked.

I lean in for another kiss and he grabs me, pulling me closer to shower my face and neck with kisses. I giggle, pretending to struggle against it.

"I thought you said one!" I say between laughs.

"One thousand, then." he grins, pausing a minute to kiss my nose.

"You're so romantic," I joke sarcastically.

"Love it or hate it." he shrugs, going back to kissing me.

I laugh, rolling so I'm laying on his chest, him on his back. "Love it."

His expression becomes thoughtful, serious, as he swipes his fingertips across my forehead, moving the bangs out of the way so he can see my scar. He plants a kiss there and something in my heart stings.

"Do you love me, Harry?"

There's no hesitation in his voice. His eyes look clear of muddling thoughts. I don't think I've ever truly seen him this open, this transparent.

I nod, "Yeah, I do."

He nods in return, kissing my scar again, "Good, 'cos I love you too."

I run my fingers through his hair and tug on the roots lightly, Draco makes a noise under his breath that catches on my ears. My nails skid lightly across his scalp and I scoot back to rest my pelvis against his, pulling his head in for a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Woo! Asexual representation amiright? 
> 
> SO, yes, Dobby (in my fic) is aromantic asexual. 
> 
> I'm glad to finally have an openly ace character in a fic, jeez it feels awesome. 
> 
> (Even though it's in a gay fanfic lol)
> 
> Anyhow, hope you enjoyed this update.
> 
> With love,
> 
> ~deathbyinsomnia


	59. Spoken Through Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.   
> Chapter song: Interleave by The Diary

The kiss ends quickly, with Draco pushing me away from him. I can see the question in his eyes but I wait for him to ask me out loud. I want to hear him say it.

"Harry, do you want to? If you don't, I understand. I just... I want to know so I don't cross any lines."

I nod, and I feel my face heat up, "It's fast but... yeah. I want to."

He sits up, me still sitting in his lap, "That's why I'm worried. We're moving really fast, I'm worried you'll regret it."

"I won't," I assure him. "I want to, but only if you want to."

Draco made a growling noise in the back of his throat, "God, I want to."

"But?" I ask, and he sighs.

"I just... I'm not entirely sure how it's done and I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care," I tell him. My heart is racing and my thoughts are repeating the same words like a mantra _don't let him go._

He shoots me a dirty look before correcting himself, "Believe me, you would care."

I nod, disappointed. "Okay, I get it. Can we... you know, make out some more, though?"

The smile returns to his face, and my heart races again in my chest. "Oh, I will definitely agree to that."

...

After the short session, we found ourselves with nothing but boxers between us and an ounce of self-restraint. We laid next to each other, staring at the ceiling, and my mind went to the day we went on the date in the town.

"Hey, Draco? Would you mind putting some music on my mp3?"

He nods, standing from the bed and taking a moment to stretch his arms above his head. I watch the muscles move under his skin in fascination. Once he's done, his arms return to his sides and he takes the mp3 player from the front pocket of my bag.

"What're you thinking about?"

"I'm wondering what god made you and how much of my soul I owe to said god for getting a catch like you." I tell him, having expected the question.

"Funny," Draco muttered, taking the mp3 to a small desk in the corner of the room, plugging it into his laptop. Pressing the power button on the notebook, he turns to me. "What are you _really_ thinking?"

I shrug my shoulders, getting a clean shirt from my things and pulling it over my head. "I was just thinking about how much you've improved my life, and so quickly. You're the main reason I've gotten better with things."

He shakes his head, a grim smile on his face, "It's not all me, though. I couldn't be."

I nod, "That's true, but you definitely were a step in the right direction. You gave me hope and a way of expressing myself." I reach out to him, my fingers splaying across his bare stomach as I lean my cheek against his back, listening to him breathe. "You were the key I needed."

He's loading the mp3 with music, and no words are said, but as we stand there I feel the distance between our hearts get smaller and smaller.

...

He asks me here and there if I know an artist. Admittedly, I've never even heard of most of them. He laughs it off though, calls it 'a learning experience', and adds them on anyway. Once he finished I have roughly 3,000 songs, and he and I moved to a sitting position against the wall, our feet touching on the bedspread.

I don't think I could ever thank him enough, for the understanding, the compassion he's shown me, to various degrees... I feel unworthy. Looking over at Draco, his eyes are beginning to gloss over. I reach out to touch his face and he smiles, leaning into the touch. I take the laptop and move it to the other bed as it finishes the downloads.

I straddle his lap and pull myself close to him. Something about feeling the warmth beneath his skin brings pinpricks of tears to my eyes. It's that damned tether again. I constantly feel as though this good thing will be taken from me. He hugs me back, no words spoken. There we stay, embracing each other. Things are calmer now, yes, but that will change upon the arrival of my boyfriend's father, Lucius. My boyfriend, I like the sound of that.

I hold him tighter and kiss his shoulder, then press my forehead into neck. "Your father will be home tomorrow." My words come out quiet, betraying my uneasiness.

Draco responds the same way, his voice a whisper, "It's a small party, Harry. Just you, me, my father, mother, Dobby, and one or two of my dad's work friends."

My eyes turn foul, hidden against his skin, "These 'friends' see what happened to you?"

Draco frowns, lightly brushing his nails against my rib cage, making me shiver, "I'm not sure. He usually picks whoever had the most successful cases that year for the New Year's party, as a kind of reward."

His nails are replaced by the light brushing of the pads of his fingertips down my sides, his thumb following slowly behind them. I swear, I'm aching to kiss him again, that much is evident. I scoot away, getting up and pulling on pajama pants. He un-docks the mp3 and drops it in the bag beside me.

My eyes follow him as he gets in bed, not bothering to put on any more clothes. He gives me a smile and flips up the covers, scooting to the edge of the bed. My eyes soften and I take off my glasses, setting them on the dresser, and get in bed.

"I don't think I've ever seen you without your glasses, Potter. You've even slept in them every night."

I shrug, "I forget."

He laughs, shaking his head, "No wonder your glasses are wonky. Come on, little spoon."

I laugh, flipping over and scooting back against him. I love being little spoon, no complaints here. I wiggle my butt innocently against his crotch, pretending to shift so I'm comfortable. He catches on, because I hear a growl under his breath and guttural, primal words I can't hear through his gritted teeth. He kisses my neck and snuggles his face there. I find comfort in the position and soon fall asleep. A new day will come, come morning: New Year's Eve.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Thank GOD for the revision history feature on wattpad. A problem I've had a couple of times (a computer glitch deleting my entire chap) was averted thanks to this feature THANK YOU WATTPAD FOR INSTALLING IT JFC.


	60. Sense of Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.  
> Chapter Song: Missing Someone I've Never Seen by April Rain

_**~Thursday, Day 16~** _

I woke in the same spot I'd fallen asleep, Draco and I still lying together. I never knew I could wake up to something so simple that would make me feel so whole, so complete. I turned slowly, facing Draco, and woke him in the process.

His eyes squinted open, "Babeeeee, no. Sleeeeeeeep." He drug out, pulling me closer.

"Babe?" I grin, amused at both the nickname and the expression on his face of a squinting 5 year-old. That's a new one.

"Mmmhm, sleep." His eyes were closed, moving from my neck to begin groping for my waist.

I unwrapped his arms from around me, "Come on, Dray, gotta go."

"Dray?" He asks, confused.

I laugh, "Forget it, I'm eating without you."

He wakes up a bit more, rubbing his eyes. "Okay, okay, I'm up."

He gets up, grabbing his discarded shirt from the floor and I see him wince, the bruises were fading slightly but nowhere near invisible. His face is a bit better too, but nothing some makeup couldn't fix. He notices me staring at the bruise and his eyes flick down, his face coloring with shame. Looks like he's fully awake now.

"Let's go see Zorro and Cas." I tell him and he nods, following behind me.

I don't know what to say, he doesn't want my reassurance or coddling, I can tell that much. I don't know what else to say, I can't apologize for his dad or the fact Lucius doesn't approve of me, for whatever reason. I can't hold him and say everything will definitely be alright without there being a thread of lies involved, because I don't know what will happen, life has a tendency to throw some major curve-balls at some of the most important points in someone's life. That's how it all works in the grand scheme of things.

Zorro and Castiel seemed cheerful as ever, playing with each other, but grew even more excited upon seeing us enter. I put out my arm, allowing Castiel to scurry up and around my shoulders. We usually never were apart for long, so Castiel was probably a bit worried. Castiel laid down, draping himself around my neck, nuzzling his face against my neck. The gesture was one he had done since I first got him, he did it to show how much he loved me, and it brings me peace to have that familiar touch in this strange place.

Draco held Zorro in his arms and the fox seemed to beam in response. I looked over towards the door and grinned, trying to brighten the mood.

"Any chance we could have them at the table with us?"

Draco nodded, "Only one way to find out."

* * *

 

As it turned out, it was allowed as long as Lucius wasn't home. Seeing as he wasn't to be expected at the house at least until afternoon, we had no qualms of eating at the table with our pets. Narcissa sat at one end of the table, Draco then I sitting on her right side, she was sipping a cup of coffee. I could tell by the smell of it that it was definitely doused in gingerbread flavoring, the scent was almost pungent. I made a point to, jokingly, tell her so.

Draco looked at me with wide eyes, surprised at my outburst that must have seemed out of the blue in regards to the silence beforehand. He seemed even more surprised at my gall to outright say something like that. My flat tone of voice must have sounded serious because he seemed like he was about to tell me something before I heard his mom laugh.

"Oh, really, Harry? Well, if I did 'drown in gingerbread flavoring', I would say it would be a delightful way to go." She took another sip of her drink, her smile bright and her eyes twinkling.

Draco smiled, "Haven't seen you smile like that in a while, Momma."

"Momma?" she asked, setting her mug down. "Haven't heard that in a while either. What bug bit you?"

I watched with a sense of intimacy, but the feeling was a fond one. Not many people get to see these sides of Narcy and Draco, but I get to see them and the concept is amazing. Without thinking, I reach out and brush the side of my pinkie finger against his right hand and he flinches. My happiness wanes a bit, then he holds my hand in his, not missing a beat in their conversation. She saw the movement, I don't doubt that, but she keeps on smiling. Seems as though the problem lies solely in Lucius Malfoy.

"Harry," I look up and I find I'm the only one who hasn't finished my omelette. "What's the matter, scowling all to yourself like that?"

"Lady Narcissa," she smiles at the nickname but after a second she realizes my tone is serious and the smile fades.

"Yes, Harry?"

"How would you feel if I wanted to date your son?"

"You are a good boy, Harry. You have a bright head on your shoulders for a boy your age, and you have an ability to make my son the happiest I've seen him in years. I would be glad if you wished to date my son. However, his father is an entirely different animal."

I feel my hand instinctively curl tighter around Draco's, "So I've seen."

"He is a very flawed man, Harry..." Narcissa whispers, as if scared she'll startle Draco at the mention of his father. "I'm not condoning anything he has done but he is still his father. Draco is old enough to make his own decisions," she looks over to Draco. "So, Draco, you can do whatever you deem fit, with or without his blessing. However, I do beg you try to stay on his good side."

Draco nods, listless, as though he'd heard the speech dozens of times before. "I want Harry and I to work out."

She smiled, "If the feeling is mutual, then it will, undoubtedly. No relationship is easy, but you aren't supposed to force things." The later part felt more like a silent warning, though I'm not sure to who, I would gauge she was talking to Draco based on his reaction. What does that mean?

What part of this has been forced? Am I pushing him into this? Or does she think he's pushing me?

 


	61. Illusion of Perfection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Camino by Led Coyote

 

The subject drops, and Dobby enters the room with a smile. He either doesn't sense the tense feeling surrounding us or simply ignores it, humming along to a song I recognized vaguely as a song from the 50s ( _Rockin' Robin_ ), spraying the windows and cleaning them off. I finish my omelette, very cold and no longer appetizing, one of my hands still limp in Draco's.

Finally, I found the voice lodged in my throat and asked Narcissa why she was still home.

"I don't have work today, I have the day off." she smiled, pulling her long hair back into a loose ponytail. "Didn't you notice my pajamas?"

I glance at her nightshirt, it's a silk button-up and seeing as I never saw the pants, it was a simple mistake. "Looks like a work blouse to me." I say candidly and she laughs.

"Well, I do have work today, but none of the official kind. I am going to help Dobby prepare for the New Year's Party, it's a lot of work for just one person."

I glance at Draco and he readily nods, interjecting, "We'll help too."

She smiles, not bothering to play coy and refuse, "Thanks, the help is much appreciated, boys."

* * *

Draco and I find ourselves still in our pajamas at noon, still helping Narcy and Dobby put up decorations to the point of overkill. I mean, seriously, do you really need baubles for _every_ holiday? I mutter that with a groan to Draco, he laughs but his mom takes on a mockingly serious air.

"Why, of course we do! What else should we spend money on, a yacht?"

I shrug, smiling, as if the option wasn't actually that bad of an idea. She got a kick out of that.

* * *

At roughly noon-thirty, Lucius walks in with a duffle in one hand and a laptop backpack on his back. I was braiding Narcy's hair while Draco was talking to Dobby about a classic book I'd heard of but never read (I believe he said it was called Wuthering Heights). Their debate was heated, and Narcissa and I watched in amusement. The chatter all stopped when the door shut. Lucius's heated gaze shot straight to me.

"What are you doing?"

"Is that a trick question, sir?" I ask with a laugh, the brain that sometimes lies within my skull _screams_ that it is a bad idea to be snarky to him. However, the part of me that actually grew a pair is rearing to start a fight with the guy.

"Well, I see my wife, my son, and the house-guest dressed in pajamas when it is already the afternoon! How lazy."

I groan, my fingers knotting the band to tie off the end. "Lazy? We did all of the decorations, got everything ready, food already prepared and ready to start in twenty minutes in time for us to set the table, no thanks to you. So, please, explain to me how and in what way is that lazy, Lucius." I felt disgust lace my tone and judging by the look on his face, he was beyond pissed, but there was something else hidden in the corners of his expression I couldn't fathom. Pride.

He remained silent, walking upstairs wordlessly to his room and shutting the door. Narcissa stared at the entrance to the stairs in shock before standing to follow him up. Draco's expression was blank, but clearly he had something to say. Dobby took his leave, making his way towards his basement room.

"What the hell were you thinking? No, you couldn't have been thinking because that was just plain fuckin' stupid!" His voice took on a strange lilt I'd never heard from him before, but he breathed before speaking again, the lilt gone. "Seriously, he already doesn't like you, why fuel the fire?"

"I couldn't resist," I told him honestly, "Something told me I had to, for what he did to you."

"Stop trying to be a hero, Harry, you suck at it."

I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but he wasn't. I wish we could both stop playing the unconquerable hero, but the act is so enticing. I think we both realize that.

"I will when you do."

The conversation ended there, we just sat with our thighs touching until Narcissa came back downstairs. Her expression was enigmatic and it worried me fiercely, but all I had to show for it was my tapping and impatient fingers. A shiver came over me and I couldn't stop shaking, I was shaking so hard that my breath naturally shook and it alarmed Draco enough that he caressed my face with his hand.

Narcissa watched with a blank expression, eventually finding the moment to speak up, "He'll be downstairs soon, let's start cooking."

Feeling the touch of his hand grounded me, so I managed a nod and we met Dobby in the kitchen to start cooking.

Dobby moved beside Draco and I as we cut vegetables, out of earshot of Narcissa as she was tenderizing steaks on another counter. He just watched for a little while, until I acknowledged him from the corner of my eye. Draco kept his head down, pointedly ignoring me.

"Harry, how does one say 'Why did you speak to him that way' without sounding antagonizing?"

I could tell he was trying to make a joke so I smiled a little, "That was just fine, if you ask me."

"So?" he offered, leaning back against the island until I made conversation.

"So... I did it because I didn't like the way he was acting."

"It's not your place."

"I don't care if it's my place, he was being a dick."

"I hate to say it Harry, but it is his home, and you disrespected him in it."

"I know that," I said defensively, then repeated in a more sad tone. "I just... I don't know. Something about him is a personal challenge to me."

Dobby stifled a laugh, "Breathing his air offends you?"

"Not exactly," I smile, it does sound funny when he says it that way. "Something about the way he carries himself, the sneering, it just reminds me of-" I stop. The cocky attitude, the disgust in the way he curves his mouth, the holier-than-thou air about him... it reminded me of Tom. That's why I can't stand him so much. He is the spitting image of Tom in manner. "It reminds me of someone... unpleasant."

Draco finally looks up and gives me a questioning look and I give him a weak smile. He frowns, nodding and bowing his head to focus again. I wonder who Draco thinks his father reminds me of, and I hope I didn't offend him. Even if you don't like your family, doesn't mean you would like to hear them being talked down about right beside you. Once Dobby looks between us, he returns to help Narcissa and I give Draco a small peck on the cheek.

He recoils like he was touched with hot iron, then he smiles shamefully, whispering 'sorry', and giving me a brief peck on the mouth. "In this house, let's try to keep us behind closed doors okay?"

I nod, my heart heavy. Draco scoots closer so our arms brush each others and I feel a little better, but the illusion of this perfect relationship is starting to crumble, I can feel it.


	62. The Final Countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter songs:
> 
> Without You by Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls
> 
> and
> 
> You Are My Sunshine by The Civil Wars

The food is done with only 20 minutes to spare to get ready before the few guests are supposed to arrive. Draco and I made a point to rush upstairs and dress quickly, after deciding we needed to only be semi-formal. I didn't pay much attention to what either of us chose to wear, it all seemed kind of pointless in the grand scheme of things. I wondered how much I could touch Draco's hand during the party, wrap my arm around his shoulder, how far I could take any display of affection before I would be too obvious and take the notice of his father. The earlier conversation left a bitter feeling in my stomach, I didn't like the way things were seeming to go.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize it would only get worse from there.

Once we got downstairs, someone had already arrived early and stood at the bottom of the stairs. There stood Blaise, eyes trained fiercely on Draco, and my stomach wrenched. I felt an anger rivaling Tom's absolute _fury_ rising in my gut. The smug piece of shit, what is _he_ doing here?

I can practically feel Draco stiffen next to me before I catch him forcing a smile, "You're early."

"You say that as though you don't want me here, that wounds me."

I have to swallow the words _we both don't_ in my throat, then I plaster a smile on my face before pointing Blaise in direction of the couch. He gives me a look, one of his eyebrows cocked and I feel my fingers twitch.

 _Mayday, mayday,_ I find myself thinking, _this is_ very _bad, Harry._

*******

The night seems to pass in a blur, Draco constantly swept away from me by his ex, Blaise, but I drain everything out of me to put every ounce of trust I have in Draco to not let a repeat of the Christmas party happen again. At around eleven I catch sight of Blaise whispering something in Draco's ear with a smirk and Draco's face goes blank, as though everything had been drained from him in that one moment. I force myself into the circle the two are in and make occasional small talk, all the while watching Draco's face tense and slack with every word that Blaise says.

I wanna slit the bastard's throat, but I have to swallow the thought, pushing my way through the hall and to the kitchen, filling a glass with water from the tap. I drink the entire thing, then try to keep myself from hyperventilating. Dobby finds his way to me and taps my shoulder, his face adorned with a sad expression at my misery.

"Steal him away, it will be the new year soon, Harry." he smiles.

I manage a smile and thank him, making my way to Draco. In a showy way, I act nervous as I ramble about running out of utensils and needing Draco to help me find some extras. He seems to catch on and acts as though he can't be bothered but follows me out of the living area to a small alcove in the foyer, hidden from the rest of their watching eyes. From our spot, you can see through the windows and see the lights and decorations left over from Christmas at nearby houses. We slide down to the floor, watching the lights as everyone begins the countdown.

_10!_

I hold Draco's hand in mine, "I missed you tonight."

_9!_

"I missed you too," he tells me, actually looking a little sheepish.

_8!_

"Are you okay?"

_7!_

"Yeah..."

_6!_

"You sure?" I ask.

_5!_

He nods.

_4!_

I turn my face towards him, watching the streetlamps from outside reflect off the windows and onto his face and I remember how a couple weeks ago I didn't know my parents were murdered, I didn't know about the possibility of my mind manifesting a coping mechanism for aforementioned murders, and I didn't know this boy I am in love with even existed. It's amazing how things just happen all at once.

_3!_

He starts to lean in for a kiss.

_2!_

I lean in too.

_1!_

Sparks fly inside my heart as we kiss and when the brief peck ends I fight for my breath.

_HAPPY NEW YEAR!_

"I love you," I tell him and he smiles, pulling me in for another quick kiss.

*******

We return to the party, he a few seconds before me despite the fact we were only gone a minute or so- we have to tread lightly around his father. The party ends shortly after. There were only 5 or so guests not including the Malfoys and I, but the room seemed packed when more than three people stood at a time. I stood with the Malfoy's near the door as they said goodbye to everyone as they left, always the good hosts.

Blaise dropped his small backpack in my hands, "Walk with me, Harry."

Draco was nowhere to be seen, so I followed him, intent on telling him I planned to make sure he stayed the hell away from Draco. I may not be his official boyfriend to anyone else but Draco and I, but Blaise is a bad guy to have around. As he got in his fancy car, he gave me a rotten look, his head tilted with a withered smile.

"Is he as good a fuck as I remember him to be?"

I swallow, clenching my teeth until my jaw hurts. I wanna punch him in his stupid face, but I also want to punch Draco too. To give him another fucking black eye for not telling me.

No.

No I don't.

I'm just upset.

Calm down.

I throw Blaise's bag at his face and slam his car door, stomping back up to the house. I find Draco in his room and his head is in his hands. We need to talk about this.

"Did you have sex with Blaise?"

"Harry- what?"

I start yelling, "DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT?!"

His nostrils flare, "I did and it was a mistake, okay!"

"You said nothing happened!"

"Nothing did! It meant nothing to me!"

"Draco, you piece of shit, why didn't you TELL ME?!"

I see him immediately shut down and I regret my words, going to move his arms from him so I can look him in the eye and apologize. He wrenches away from me and grabs my things from my drawer and stuffs them in my bag, putting my mp3 in after rolling it in his hand for a second. He takes the bag in both hands and shoves it into my chest.

"Draco, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Blaise said some things and I got upset, please don't do this."

"No," he pursed his lips and let out a snarl, "Don't you blame this on me. _You did this._ You fucked this up, Harry. Not me. Go, and don't ever talk to me again. We're done."

"Guess you don't love me anymore, huh?" I say weakly, slinging the bag over my shoulder.

"Get the hell out. Oh, and since you're so curious that you couldn't calm down enough to ask me... Yeah, he and I did have sex. The fucker raped me last year. He knew I had a crush on him and he took advantage of me, which is why I started to do drugs. To forget. But thanks to this, I am reminded of all that he did to me, so thanks for ruining all the progress I've made thus far and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

I left the room, closing the door slowly behind me and waking up Castiel who was curled up with Zorro. They cried as I separated them. I almost whimpered with them. I went to the main floor where Dobby was cleaning up, and cleared my throat shakily.

"Can I use the phone?"

My first instinct is to call Cedric.

"Hey," my voice cracks, "Ced, can you get me? Please? I need you."

He doesn't waste a breathe, "I'll be right there, walk as far as the park halfway between the town and the manor and I'll pick you up. The community center is always open and it'll be warm in there. I'll be there as soon as I can, don't move once you get there, okay?"

"Okay," I croak, tears freely flowing now. I hug Dobby tightly, and he takes a sharp intake of breath before letting me go.

I walk as fast I can out of the house, cold from the weather and not having a heavy coat. I'm wearing the clothes Draco bought me. I feel so helpless. I force myself into a run, my duffle straps holding to me like a backpack as I run down the steep road. I could trip and fall, get hurt, get hit by a car. I can't find it in me to care until I remember Cedric, Severus, Sirius, Remus, and my friends all waiting for me to be okay.

I slow down and walk the rest of the way to the community center in the park. The inside looks like a bus stop, a couple of people sleeping on benches or eating at the small cafe. I sit on a bench facing the door, tears streaming steadily down my face. I take out the mp3 and force the earbuds in my ears, a feeble attempt to turn my thoughts from him but You Are My Sunshine plays and I cry harder, sobbing.

When Cedric walks in I run to him and hug him tightly, he strokes my hair and leads me quietly to the truck, soothing me enough to get me to stop crying.

"I'm going to drive you back to school."

I don't bother to argue, I just hold his hand as he drives, glad to have something to ground me.

"I'm sorry," I tell him.

"Don't be, I'm here for you, Harry." he brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles and I start crying again.

*******

I don't sleep the entire drive, I just listen to the radio as it plays oldies song after oldies song. A few of them manage to cheer me up, especially the silly ones.

Once we pull up to the school and he parks to drop me off, I pull him in for a tight hug, one that makes us so close I can feel his heart beat fast against my chest. It feels like minutes have passed when I finally let go, giving one fleeting kiss to his neck that smelled of sweat and generic soap. The gesture was an intimate one, but it felt less romantic to me, and more like a promise of closeness we have.

"Cedric?" I ask him, and he seems in a daze because he seems surprised by the sudden act of affection.

"Yeah, Harry?"

"If you're off from school for a while longer, would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?"

He readily accepts, kissing my brow, before smiling awkwardly as though he overstepped a boundary.

"It's fine," I tell him, which it is. He just came to me in my time of need and I feel extremely close to him because of that.

I leave him in the car with a promise to call him every day, or text, once I get my phone from Severus. I walk into the school with the wind feeling really cold on my back. I walk to Severus's quarters, knocking on the door, he opens it immediately.

"Oh, Harry." he says nothing more, sweeping me into the small room and sitting me on the bed. "What happened?" So I tell him everything and a look of sadness crosses his face, "I feared this would happen. Go on to your room, I'm sure your ferret is hungry after the long trip."

I nod, having almost forgotten about the ferret sleeping around my neck. I walk to my room in silence and all the boys in my room wake up immediately upon hearing the door.

"Harry, you're early." Neville told me, a sad look on his face, "we all came back early since we heard the weather may be bad if we waited too long to come back. What's wrong?"

My heart aches when I whisper, "You warned me about Draco. I'm sorry I didn't listen, Nev."

He takes Castiel and his cage from me and sets them by his bed, "I'll take care of him, you get some rest. We'll talk in the morning."

So I stripped and slipped in bed, eventually drifting into a fitful sleep, with no one lying beside me.

The bed seemed colder than I remembered.


	63. A Phantom Limb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.  
> Chapter song: Say Something by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

There's a void in me where I guess Draco used to be. I find myself drifting until school starts up again. I begin practicing with Oliver Wood so I can maybe qualify to be on my soccer team in the soccer tournament. Three days until all the students of the other schools will be flown in so they can get situated here. I find myself glued to Neville and Hermione, occasionally to Wood so I can keep my mind off of Draco.

I only gave them the barest of details, that I thought we fell in love but I ruined everything. Hermione asked me if there was a chance we could get back together. I told her I don't know, and I don't. It seems like a distant hope at this point.

Starting classes hurts when I find myself searching for Draco, and yet I don't find him. Seeing Neville and Luna together is painful, they seem like a perfect couple. Their dynamic is subtle and sweet, small smiles, short touches, and fond words. I have to leave in the middle of class to try to calm myself down in the bathroom after 15 minutes of their sweetness.

It's there that I find Draco in his soccer uniform, wiping his sweat-damp hair from his eyes. I find myself stunned into paralysis, I have the desire to be with him again and his him. Yet, I can't speak or move, and as though he doesn't see me, he leaves the mirror and walks right past me. I hear the door close behind me and I collapse to my knees. It really is over, isn't it?

Something in me cracks, tears, breaks- I fall apart. I stand on wobbly legs and lock the door to the bathroom, sliding down against the door until I'm greeted with the cool tile. Its coolness against my palms gives me a vague notion of a death in me, of what I don't know. Something aches, and I know nothing I could ever say would fully repair the damage I've caused.

He trusted me, believed in me, and I thought I felt the same about him but the anxiety in me spoke louder in that one moment than my trust ever could. It terrified me then and it terrifies me now.

How could I have turned my back on him like that? I should've turned back. I should've said sorry again, or at least tried to. Maybe he would have forgiven me, but maybe not. Probably not. I was out of line.

My sense of touch is hypersensitive, like all my senses are amplified, as I'm crying. My fingers brush small semi-circles on the small tile squares, the lines taunting me with their order. I wish in this moment I could find order within myself, to find a way to truly breathe. I let out a shaky breath. I physically can't cry anymore.

The realization leaves me empty. If there is no tears, what else is there besides moving on?

Nothing, I suppose.

* ***** *

I gather myself (and my things) together and return to class, everyone having already left. When I walk in my next class, Draco is already there talking to the boys I now know as Crabbe and Goyle (thanks to Neville). I don't look at him but sit beside Hermione, Ron in front of me. I brush my fingers against his shoulder, tapping him, and he turns around to face me.

"What do you want?" he asks defensively.

I manage a small smile, "I feel bad for being so rude to you a while back, can we eat lunch together today?"

"Glad you've seen the light," he smiles jokingly. Surely one of my friends, maybe the twins told him my situation, no doubt they've found out by now. They have a lot of sources for information. "Sure, but you're gonna have to sit with me and all my siblings."

I shrug, managing a weak smile. "I already met Fred and George, as well as Ginny."

"Then you'll fit right in."

"Can Hermione, Luna, and Neville sit there too, if you don't mind me asking?"

He nods, "Sure, 'more the merrier' as my dad always says."

Severus enters the room and everyone falls silent, the class beginning. He glances at me every few minutes and I offer him a reassuring smile. Everything almost seems normal. Almost.

*******

By the time lunch comes around and we all pile ourselves into one of the larger tables in the back of the cafeteria, I find my spirits lifted. We all talk as though we'd been friends for years, though some probably had. A bit later, Dean and Seamus join us, then Wood and his girlfriend. We've piled the table to maximum capacity but I've never felt so surrounded in friendship. It really brightened the darkness I was feeling lurking inside my chest.

With classes finished for the day, Ron and I followed Oliver to the soccer field for practice. Apparently in the time I'd given Ron the cold shoulder, he began training with his siblings for a possibility to be in the tournament. Between the three of us we begin to find a rhythm that even the coach finds impressive.

"A little better than that and you boys are all guaranteed a spot on the Hogwarts team."

*******

As Ron, Wood, and I head to the lobby of the school I see a familiar face and wave. His face lights up and he leaves the group.

"Viktor!" I call, smiling broadly.

"You are a sight for sore eyes," he grins, accent thick. "Nice to see you, Harry."

"YouknowViktorKrum!" Ron and Wood both whisper excitedly at me.

"Oh, sorry." I smile, "Vik, this is Oliver Wood and Ron Weasley. You met Ron's brothers."

"Ah, yes. The twins flirting with the twins." He nodded, "The group is on a tour but I would prefer the tour of a friend. Would you take me around?"

I nod, "Sure. You can meet all my friends and we can all hang out."

Friends. Even now, it feels so strange to say. Before I came to the academy, I didn't even have a semblance of a friend. Now it feels like I have many.

He nods, "Lead the way."

As I show him around, Wood and Ron drift behind and head off somewhere while I show him around. I take him in the library and walk him through the stacks.

"This library is very large. One could live in here."

I catch Hermione studying and I lead him to her table, sitting across from her with him.

"Speaking of living here, Hermione does."

"Ha-ha very funny," she mutters sarcastically and looks up. "My gosh," she whispers. "You're Viktor Krum."

"Viktor," he corrects, smiling.

I sense that I'm intruding on their "moment". I want to feel sorry for myself, but I don't. I screwed things up with Draco, I want others to avoid my fate.

"Hermione, would you mind showing him around the rest of the grounds? I need to talk to Remus- uh, Professor Lupin, about something."

She nods, a look of understanding crossing her face. "Of course, Harry. Take care." I catch sight of Draco in the corner of the library, looking through titles and I force my feet to move and lead myself towards Remus's classroom.


	64. Release Memory's Hold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Morgengry (Dawn) by Vàli

 

I knock before entering Lupin's classroom, his glasses perched on his nose as he reads a few papers. Grading papers, I'd wager. Looking up, he takes off his reading glasses and sees me, ushering me in.

"Harry, nice to see you. Please, come in!"

I pulled a chair up in front of his desk and he looked at me inquisitively, I guess I am transparent in the reason why I'm here. I'm not here on a casual visit.

I came to ask about why he was a suspect in the murder of my parents. More importantly, if he and Sirius did truly have involvement in the murder of my parents, because I honestly suspect they don't. But I need to know if what Neville read in the files was correct, if my godfathers are in fact accomplices in my parents' murders.

"I came here to speak to you about the murder of my parents. I only know half the truth, and I want to know all of it." I told him, hoping to keep myself impartial. I don't want to vouch for their guilt or innocence until I hear both sides of the story.

His face turned solemn and he picked up the phone on his desk, "I'll call Sirius, then all of us can get together and talk about it, alright? Even Severus is invited if you wish to extend him an invitation. You deserve to know the truth, though we all hoped we wouldn't have to tell you so soon. It could be devastating, you know."

I nod, "I know most of it. I just want to know the minor details."

He starts dialing on the landline, "Understandable. Once I get off the phone, he should be here within an hour, he moved nearby to be close to you. Maybe we could all go out and get dinner together."

I nod, "Sounds alright."

He dials the number onto the phone's cradle and I stand.

"When he gets here, call my dad's room, I'll be there."

A sad expression crosses his face, "Sure, I'll call Severus's room when we're ready to leave."

I wave to him before I fully exit through the door and something sits wrong in my stomach. I suppose I shouldn't call Severus my dad, I haven't known him long, but he knew my mother. So did the others, but I did not choose them. Something in me drove me to choose Severus and there had to be a reason. Calling him my dad is no large feat at this point. A father to me has become an abstract concept, a figure rather than any specific blood-designated person, but something about Severus feels closer than kinship. As though, somehow, we are two of a kind.

I raise my hand to knock on his door, but it is ajar, so I push it open with my palm. The room is empty. This hall has other live-in staff, maybe one of them know where he's gone. However, I don't bother when I see Albus, uh... Headmaster Dumbledore, walking out of what I guess is his room. I meet him at his door.

"Hello, sir." I address him, waving shortly before dropping my hand to my side.

His knowing smile tells me he expected my arrival to his door, "He went to the library, went to a short conference. He'll be back soon."

I nod, thanking him before waiting outside the open door for him to return. I can't just go in someone's room without them knowing, it goes against my sensibilities. The same ones that tell me to cut with the blade of knives facing away from me and to never run with scissors.

I sit beside the door with my legs crossed, waiting for him. He comes a bit later, wiping sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. He looks taken aback by my arrival but smiles anyhow.

"I didn't know I would see you again so soon, Harry."

"I was hoping you and I could have dinner with Remus and Sirius. I wanted you to be there with me when..." I clear my throat, "I wanted to ask them what all happened leading up to the murder of my parents. Neville told me what he could, but surely the file was missing some crucial information- they always are. I need you there to support me, you're a father to me now." I feel tears again but I push them down in my throat, blinking. With everything happening all at once I can never seem to fully regain my balance before I'm swept under again. "I also think you want to know, don't you?"

He nodded, "I do, Harry. Thank you for allowing me to be there."

I force a smile, I want to smile naturally but can't with my inner turmoil, "No problem."

His phone within the room rings and he rushes in to answer it. After a few seconds of nodding and muttered agreements, he peeks his head outside the door. "We should both change since class hours are over, meet me out front when you're ready."

I nod and he closes his door, we go our separate ways.

I run to my room and Ron is sitting in the common room. I spare him a smile and wave, bounding up the stairs. No sooner than I close the door do I begin taking off my shirt. I hear a throat clearing in the background, Neville. I glance over, then back to my bag. I pull out a shirt, one of mine that Draco had not bought, and pull it on.

"Harry, where are you going?"

"Out."

"Out? Out where?"

"With my godfathers and Severus."

"So a guy that went to prison, a guy with a history of possible bi-polar tendencies, and your adoptive father?" He didn't mean to sound offensive, anyone that knew him could say that, but it sure sounded like it to an unknowing ear.

"Yeah. I wanna know the whole story."

"Do you trust them?"

I thought about it seriously for a moment, continuing to get dressed in silence, "They've given me no reason not to."

"Be careful."

I nod, smiling, "Don't worry about me, Nev. Take care." I wave dumbly, picking up a jacket Oliver lent me for the time being.

"Want me to feed Cas again?" He asks, the ferret curled in his lap.

Castiel seems happy. I can't take care of him anymore. I'm everywhere now. I have no focus. Without Nev, Castiel would have...

"If it's okay, I need you to take care of him from now on." I tell Neville, watching his expression.

"It's okay. He and Trevor get along great, surprisingly." he watches me with concern, "you okay?"

I nod, "I will be. Can you get everyone to meet up once I get back? I need to be with people after what I am probably about to hear."

He nods readily, "Everyone will be there. See you soon."

I rush over and hug him tightly, knocking the wind out of him, "You're the best friend I've ever had."

He hugs me back just as tight, "You're mine too, Harry. Get back soon."

I head out front, wearing a loose pair of jeans and an old generic tee shirt. I'm greeted by the sight of everyone in casual clothing as we pile into Sirius's old SUV. I'm floored.

Sirius with his hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, his facial hair better cared for than the last time I saw him. I comment on how much healthier he looks and he gave me a rueful smile.

"Solitary confinement does that to you."

He's still extremely skinny, that much is obvious, but his dark circles are gone and whatever drugs he may or may not have been doing are clearly out of his system. His Henley shirt looks old, a couple holes near the collar and hem, but his faded jeans look comfortable. He's wearing a couple leather cuffs, making his tattoos stand out, and it makes me smile- now that is a look I can pin to Sirius.

Lupin has some button-down red plaid shirt and jeans, which suit him, oddly enough. He was particularly calm, just watching Sirius drive and occasionally changing the radio station. Something about him seems distant ever since I mentioned what I wanted to talk about.

"Where are we going?" I ask Lupin and he shrugs.

"You'll see." he offered, going quiet again.

Severus is dressed in a green dress shirt under a fitted brown sweater, wearing black jeans with brown dress shoes. It suits him extremely well. On him, it doesn't look nerdy at all.

I reach out and rub the sleeve of his sweater between my fingers, "It's soft."

He smiles faintly then the car stays silent.

...

Eventually we reach the place where I suppose we'll eat and set up a picnic, then something clicks once we reach the cliffs on foot, a large tree to my left. This is where Draco and I first played soccer together. I find Severus's hand and trap it harshly in my fingers, feeling as though a few of his metacarpals are rolling beneath my palm. His other hand latches to mine, to loosen my grip. I see the surprise and fear in his eyes turn to sympathy, ceasing to try to pry my hand from his, using his free hand to squeeze the top of my hand instead.

I hate how I have to tiptoe around places like this, places that make me think of him. Places like this can no longer bring me joy because I attribute this place to him. Sirius and Remus have stopped to start opening up the basket and set everything out. Severus, my dad I guess I should say, and I are still standing, facing the tree from a few feet away.

I lean my body against his arm, "We came here," I whisper.

He leans his cheek on my head, "All strings fray, Harry. It is up to you to decide when they need to be replaced."

"I don't understand," I say dumbly, watching my godfathers making small talk, pointedly trying to give us space. I appreciate it, but they will probably bring it up later. I dread that.

"We all have bad memories, but we can't lose places or things that make us happy because they remind us of sad things. Like with your mother," his voice catches but he takes a breath, raising his head from mine. "She and I fought a lot once she met your father, out of selfish love for your mother and jealousy of your father who Lily loved, instead of me... I said awful things, terrible things, out of bitterness. We stopped talking after that."

He took a moment to compose himself before speaking again, "I began losing the ability to go anywhere where I thought of her, I couldn't come here- to this tree- where she and I used to talk away from prying eyes. Eventually, I couldn't eat caramel candies because she and I ate them together as children." He laughs at himself, in a way I interpret as him finding himself foolish.

"Then, the day I realized I was losing too much was the day I started refusing to eat pears because one day at lunch she had eaten a pear and made a particularly funny joke. I was losing things that meant something to me to avoid the memories of a person who was important to me. She was no longer in my life, but I was allowing her memory to consume it. Eventually, I got over it, Harry."

He smiled, pushing hair from my eyes, fingers poised away from my scar. "It'll be good for you. Don't look back in anger at what you could've done or how it could've gone differently. None of that matters. What matters is what _did_ happen and how you could learn from it."

I felt tears roll down my cheeks, surprising me. I felt so peaceful, so relieved. He had a point, and if I thought of it that way, I would immediately be able to stop what I'm doing right now. _Running_ from Draco. We're not on talking terms, sure, but that doesn't mean I need to avoid being in his line of sight. He was an important part of my life and if I pretended that never happened, then I would be living a lie.

"Coming any time soon?" Remus smiled.

"Don't mind him, don't let us interrupt a tender moment." Sirius grinned, swatting Remus's arm.

I shake my head, wiping my eyes, "No, I'm good. Let's all eat, okay?"

"You sure you're okay?" Severus asked me as we sat down.

I nodded, " _Hakuna matata._ "

"Seriously?" Sirius asked, laughing.

"Sirius-ly." I grinned, looking directly at him.

Severus snorted a laugh and we all busted into a fit of laughter.

We each picked a sandwich out of the picnic basket and ate in comfortable silence as I brooded over this new concept: lessening "the-memory-of-Draco" and those memories' hold on me. Starting now.


	65. Draco POV 1 (chap 62-64)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Too Close by Alex Clare
> 
> (This takes place after Harry leaves the manor until the point Harry goes to meet Lupin. )

I find hateful tears sting my eyes. Why did Harry have to say that? To rake up the darkest parts of myself and force my hand to lash out at him. No, I was not forced, but I was given ammunition and that's all it takes for me.

I pick up the pillow he slept on and threw it at the glass door, willing it to shatter the glass, but the pillow just flopped to the ground uselessly. This was avoidable. My father invited the Zabinis on purpose. He knew this would happen. That Blaise would get territorial over me like I'm his property. Bet my father wouldn't mind me hooking up with Blaise. In fact, he would undoubtedly be ecstatic.

I move to the room we'd kept Zorro and Castiel, and I watch through the window at Harry's fleeting back. I find myself wishing I'd given him a warm coat, then I glance back at the beds. Looks like I will be sleeping alone tonight. I was so used to him, it seemed as though he was tethered to me but now that cord is severed. Here I am left with the long end of a broken lifeline, Harry has the short end. It wan't supposed to turn out this way, or maybe I just was blind to the inevitable.

My hands are shaking and I take a shaky breath, picking up the pillow from the floor and tossing it back onto the bed. I catch a glimpse of a shirt peeking from under the far side of the bed. It's Harry's... I bring the material to my face. It still smells like him. I didn't buy him the shirt. It has a few small holes at the hem and the material is thinned in spots, and I have to choke back another wave of tears.

I clutch the shirt in my hand and lock myself in my library. I find _Sheep Corpses and War Drums_ lying on the table. It's the last thing he read here. I can see slight bends on pages where he'd marked the page with his fingers for long periods of time when the book was closed. The anger subsides.

Harry is impressionable. I figured that out when I first met him. Maybe this book will tell me what he's thinking. Maybe it will make me understand what just happened, and why I made him leave.

...

I manage to finish the book in a couple of hours. I hate the thought of defacing a book, so I choose the alternative. I grab a new pack of post-its from my shelf and unwrap them. Maybe if I dissect the book, I'll see my mistakes. His mistakes. The book seemed to parallel us in some ways, and the thought of picking apart a book soothed my nerves. Anything to think of except the boy with mussed hair and beautiful eyes. The shirt of his sits in my lap, untouched, as I pull off the first post-it, write a quick message, and put it on the first page.

The yellow note, stark against the white pages, reads:

Pg 1: Ln 6 & 7- words to remember

The line read:

"Laika, you must understand. There are many paths to walk in this life, and choices must be made, but some paths end in the same clearing. Some ways may be a harder trek, but the journey is sometimes worth the destination."

....

Long before I am ready, I see Harry. He has walked into the restroom and I feel the muscles in my legs quiver. My first reaction is to run. I can see him standing there, trying to find it in him to say something, but I can't do this. I can't do this now. So I pin my eyes straight ahead of me and walk past him. From the quick breeze, I can smell the familiar scents I always attributed to him. It makes my hands shake, so I rush out as quickly as I can manage so I can go to the locker rooms to change and make my way back to class. I'd been skipping in favor of practicing soccer, hoping to get my mind off of the one person in the world I wasn't ready to meet. I hear the door lock, then his quiet sobs. I leave him behind, ready to get back to the pretense that everything is normal. Otherwise, I will fall apart again- and I don't want to do drugs again, but my fear may drive me to. My worst fear is relapse, so I run to the locker rooms, my throat swelled from unshed tears. Pretending is all I know that will keep me safe. Pretending is safe, it's _familiar_.

...

I waited for Professor Snape in the library, for the meeting I planned with him a while before. Back then, I had wanted counsel with him to how I should proceed with Harry and possibly go about dating him. However, all of that is different now. That has come and gone beyond my reach. Searching through the stacks, I see if I can find something to glance through while I wait.

The only thing I find even mildly interesting is a copy of _The Bell Jar_ and my stomach turns. I read the book before for a project, and the book was crudely formatted at best but had a way of perfectly portraying a faltering mind. Takes one to describe one, I always supposed. The book always left me with a bad taste in my mouth when I thought of it. It felt so earnest but so lacking in terms of feeling, as though Esther was wracking her brain every second to make every word mean exactly what she wanted-- yet every word she spoke felt too distant for a first-person narrative. I flip through the pages, watching the words quickly speed past my sight and reach the end. I stare hard at the cover, calligraphic title and wilting rose on the front, and it makes me feel a strange sense of confusion. It had been so long, I couldn't remember if roses were even relevant to the story.

I looked up, and there Harry stood, directly in line with the sparsely-stocked shelf in front of my face. I couldn't tell if we made eye contact or not, but I suddenly remembered something. Roses were really of no consequence to the story, so much as figs were. Figs were important to the book. I smiled to myself, putting the book away. I never liked figs.

"Must not sit under such a tree," I whispered to myself, looking up.

Harry was gone, Hermione and what looked like Viktor Krum left behind. For several minutes I watched Hermione show Krum whatever was in the book she was reading, explaining it to him. So wrapped up in eavesdropping, I didn't notice Snape skirt up behind me.

"Hello, Draco. You wished to speak to me?" he asked.

"Yes," I admitted, "but now for a different reason."

"Do tell."

"I wanted to tell you my side about what happened, everything. In case something were to come up."

"Come up?" he asked.

"The details of our relationship are a moot point-- however, the importance is that I tell you why things ended the way they did. I don't expect you to tell him, but you can if you wish to." I took a deep breath, "I knew about his parents' deaths after receiving a blow to my cheek by my father." I indicated the bruise peeking through the makeup I used to cover it.

"Draco, you can't let that keep-"

"I know, but let me finish." I sighed heavily, taking a deep breath. "Father told me that his group... club... whatever it is-- he said that they were backing Voldemort when they killed the Potters, but you probably already knew that. I was devastated, I couldn't tell Harry because he would know the truth and never want to see me again. My father refuses Harry and I to be together because 'the boy is an enemy of our former Leader' and he didn't want me to get any foolish ideas. So he beat me in front of his colleagues, as a warning, that he would hurt anyone who did not comply- even his own son. So I didn't tell Harry... but he found out about Blaise."

Snape winces in response, "Does he know everything?"

"He thinks he does, but that doesn't matter now. I just wanted you to know I loved him and my intentions were pure. He and I have parted ways and I think we will stay that way." I tell him, he nods.

"Probably for the best." He pats me on the shoulder before waving goodbye.

I wave back dumbly, _best for Harry_ , I guess that's what matters. I return in the direction of my room, time for another reading of _Sheep Corpses and War Drums_.


	66. Points of Interest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: About You by XXYYXX

 

We breach the subject of my parents in the only way we really can, we use it as a way to fill the silence. I'm on my second sandwich, Severus and Sirius on their third, and Remus is still on his first. I clear my throat before speaking, I wish I hadn't because everyone stops mid-chew.

"So, I was wondering," I offer, trying to find words to say to retract my poor excuse at starting a very morbid conversation. I don't find any, so I stumble along.

"I wanted us to all meet here to talk about my parents. I want to know everything about what happened." I pull my collar away from my throat, suddenly feeling choked by nervousness. "I know bits and pieces. I've seen it through the eyes of the police and morticians, I've seen it through Severus's eyes, but now I want to hear it from you two." I exhale sharply, "Especially you two. The police files listed you two as prime suspects in their murder. There must have been a reason why."

Sirius speaks up, Remus still oddly focused on eating his sandwich, "We were suspects because we all went to school together. James, Lily, Severus here, as well as everyone you probably saw on that suspect list went to school with us. Peter, Bellatrix, Tom, and all of us were in the same graduating class." He took a sip of his lemonade but didn't set the glass down, favoring holding it in his palms.

"Tom was a smart kid, he was fairly well-received by his peers and he gained a small following. This following, once we all graduated, quickly evolved into a cult, the Death Eaters. Out of our group of friends, only Peter joined. He was Tom's personal whistleblower and informant, he was deceived into believing Tom's lies and he became lost to us. He told Riddle where your parents were vulnerable and it was that night they were killed. Lupin and I didn't know until it was too late, when we were brought in for questioning. We tried to help, point fingers in the right direction, but with Tom already dead they figured the cult would disband and that would be the end of it, but they were wrong. They're still active, not as they were when Tom was The Capricorn Killer, but they definitely still exist."

"How do you know?" I ask, worried. What if they wanted to finish what he started and kill me too?

"I know because they're the ones who put me in jail."

"What do you mean?"

"Since you've read the police files, I suppose you already know Remus and I got convicted as accessories to your parents' murders. The legal team who convinced the jury we had a part in their deaths were actually part of the Death Eaters, the new cult leader was the prosecutor."

A memory flows through my mind like water _"the Desitas law firm"_. I suddenly feel sick. This can't be happening. The phonetics even spell it out, for Christ's sake.

"The Desitas law firm? Lucius Malfoy is the cult leader?" I ask, praying I'm wrong.

"Yes," Remus interrupted, his sandwich finally finished. "He is. I'm sorry, Harry."

Sorry? Did he know about Draco and I? He at least suspected, probably. Maybe. I'm just so confused right now.

"I need to think." I say abruptly, standing and stumbling my way down the ledge toward the beach. It feels as though I can't breathe anymore.

Once my shoes hit the hard sand, I pull hard at my beaten shoes and pull off my socks to set them on a rock. I don't bother to roll up my pants legs, I just sit at the edge of the tide, my toes in the wet sand and watching the horizon with a sense of loneliness. The boy I love is indirectly involved with my parents' deaths. How can one live with something like that weighing on their mind?

It was extremely indirect, at best his father didn't even know Tom killed my parents, which is unlikely. However, I don't think I can force myself to believe something like that when it has such a microscopic chance of it being true. Lucius was head of the trial that put Sirius and Remus behind bars, there is no way he couldn't have not known about Tom's plan. The real question is whether or not Draco knows about his father, more so Tom's involvement with Draco's father, and if he did know- how long did he plan on keeping all of that from me?

At some point my thoughts turn to static and I am staring blankly at the water, the salty tide lapping up on the shore. I hear Severus's heavy steps in the sand before I feel his hand on my shoulder. It feels anchoring and it brings me back out of whatever abyss I was in.

"We should go now, your friends will be missing you."

I nod half-heartedly and stand, walking with him back towards our shoes and socks. After we put them on, we climb into the car, everyone already inside and ready to go. Sirius starts the car and the trip begins.

Halfway back, Severus sets a flip-phone in my hand. He doesn't say anything, just gives me a small smile then turns to watch out the window. I open it, all the basic settings already chosen. I take my time going through all the options until I have it the way I like it. Hogwarts looms along the skyline ahead and my heart sinks. It's here that I have to face the truth.

Draco and I are beyond repair now and there is nothing either of us can really do about that. I watch Sirius as he hums along to some ballad on the radio. I believe what he said. Something about him instills a confidence in my certainty of what he's said. Now all I need to be thinking about is school, soccer practice, the yule ball, and my new life.

Not Draco. My new life _without_ Draco. That feels like it'll be a hard pill to swallow.


	67. Breathe, Little Deer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Perfect Disguise by Modest Mouse

 

The final minutes on the way back to the school were in relative silence, each of us thinking over all we've heard. Sirius drops us all off at the front door, waving a tender goodbye to all of us before driving away. I check the clock on my new phone, everyone is bound to be met up already. I find myself hoping they hadn't waited long. I give Severus a nod and Remus a smile, to which he gives me a wry attempt at a smile.

"I need you to put in your number and Sirius's number, so we can all keep in contact." I tell Lupin and he nods, taking the phone from my outstretched hand and pushes in their numbers before closing the phone and handing it to me.

I noticed Severus's number was already inside so I waved to neither of them in particular and ran inside to figure out where everyone was waiting for me. I walked past the office window and a student tapped on the window with his knuckles then slid the thin glass out of the way, causing me to walk back to see what he had to say.

"A, uh, Miss Granger left this for you, Harry." he tells me, and I recognize him vaguely but not exactly sure where from. Maybe he's on the soccer team? Nah, he doesn't look the type. Maybe he studies in the library with Hermione? That seems more plausible.

I smile at him and he hands me a folded sheet of paper with "Harry Potter" written on the outside of it in what is obviously Hermione's handwriting.

"We're all at the bleachers by the soccer field so everyone on the teams can practice until you arrive. See you soon, Harry.  ~H.G. " I murmur under my breath. "Thank you, uh," I fumble, struggling to remember his name.

"Jethro," he tells me, his polite smile gone, and replaced with a slight hint of disappointment in his eyes. "I'm an aide with Hermione, guess it makes sense, we've never met directly. Jethro Aurick, student aide and obsessive studier, pleased to meet you. I've read about your parents' case in a true crime novel."

I immediately feel my breath shorten and Jethro's eyes go wide, "I apologize, I have no filter between my mind and my mouth. That was insensitive of me." He shuts the glass quickly, turning around and pretending to search through the file cabinet behind him.

I make a small smile and exhale slowly, people will know. It's far from common knowledge, but it isn't hard to draw the connections. I need to be able to deal with things like these. I need to strengthen myself against the memory of the dead parents I never got to know.

I tap my index fingernail on the glass and he turns tentatively towards me, opening the glass slowly. "I forgive you, Jet. If you'd like, you can join our group at lunch anytime. We could use a, uh," I glance at his tie and give an appreciative smile, "We could always use a Ravenclaw, and you seem like a nice guy."

He laughs shortly, seemingly caught off guard, "Then you've been fooled."

"I've been fooled before," I find myself saying, thinking of Draco once again. I remember my promise to myself to remove him from my life, and I smile at Jethro. "But I think I'm right about you." I give him a final wave and quick smile before rushing off towards the bleachers.

...

A cold wind hits me and I shiver mid-stride, stopping in my tracks. I glance up to the bleachers and it's quite literally almost every kid I know sitting all together. Dean and Seamus are talking among themselves, occasionally butting into Neville's conversation with Hermione and Viktor. Luna seems to be asleep, hugging Neville's arm to her chest, head lying against his shoulder. Oliver, Ron, and Oliver's girlfriend all seem to be on the opposite side of a debate with Ginny, George, and Fred. Interesting. I walk directly into the middle of all the groups, listening more to the debate to my left than anything.

"Harry could totally do it!" Oliver defends, looking at me. "Couldn't ya, Harry?"

I shrug, "I didn't hear the challenge."

"The twins and Ginny, here, say that you couldn't handle being the winger in the Tri Cup. They think you're off your game." Oliver laughs, hand shaking my shoulder, "but I know better! The fire in your eyes are brighter than ever! Aren't they, Ron?"

"Looking into another boy's eyes? Sounds kinda gay, mate. I'll pass." He jokes, taking a hard bat to the shoulder from Ginny.

"Let up, Gin," I tell her, grinning, "one more of those and your poor brother won't be able to play!"

Everyone laughs, including Ron who mutters a 'shove off, Harry' and Hermione gives me a hug around my shoulders as she masks her mouth against the shell of my ear with her hair, whispering in my ear, "He's coming this way."

I steel myself, I know exactly to whom she is referring to. My stomach flips uncomfortably. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I whisper that thought to her in her ear and she gives me a sad expression, pitying me.

"Harry, try not to let your anxiety get to you. I know it's hard but you've got to try." her voice shakes a little and I nod, stomach calming the slightest bit. 

"I know, thank you." I tell her, letting my eyes drift from her and to Draco, who quickly turns his gaze away.

I feel my heart sink. Maybe, deep down, he feels as heartbroken as I am. We had something great, but things stood in the way of that. Destined to fail. What a sad thought. Some dark, coaxing part of me- the part of me that wants to jump off a cliff and hit the rocks below to see what it feels like, the _L'appel du vide_ I read about once- raises my hand and voice.

"Good luck out there, Draco! You need all the practice you can get!"

His face skews and twists, then he turns his face away.

I feel my chest hollow out as I breathe shakily, eyes too dry to shed any more tears. Hermione holds my hand and leans against my shoulder. I know everyone noticed what I did, how it made me feel,  but somehow I think they can tell I just need them as background noise so I don't feel so alone. The group continues speaking as if nothing happened. Luna is awake, she is turned towards me, and her eyes are trained on mine, she smiles knowingly.

"Breathe, little deer. Breathe." Luna whispers from in front of me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Also, an appearance of an OC... god I don't wanna be THAT writer but I couldn't think of anyone in canon that this conversation would work for (seeing as most people have a filter between their brains and their mouths). Made this OC up in middle school. He basically looks like Eli from Degrassi but without the guyliner and older... so basically Munro Chambers in the 2013 black and white photoshoot (that for whatever reason I have never forgotten xD)
> 
> I will avoid bringing him up again unless I have to or it's just in passing cuz I can barely keep up with characters as it is. XD (edit: .... this author's note made a liar out of future-me)


	68. Dealing with "Things"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: With A Little Help From My Friends from Across the Universe (a Beatles cover)
> 
> The song I chose for this one was mostly just for the tune change. You guys needed a peppier song lol So! Here it is. XD

 

I find a sense of peace in the way Luna's voice forms the words, 'little deer'. I meet her eyes and they are extremely clear, focused. A question gnaws at me, my lip being bitten to force the question away. She notices the gesture and exhales, pressing her hands to the side of my face, Neville watching from afar.

"I haven't... you know... since that day." 

She smiles at my admission, swiping a lock of her hair behind her ear. 

I continue on, feeling a weight lift from my chest. "I think I have you to thank for that, for talking to me and letting me get everything in the open. Thank you."

She regains her wistful, yet cryptic, smile as her mouth curls like a cat. She whispers softly, "We all have darkness, Harry, it's just people like us that are defined by our daily co-inhabitance with our demons. We greet our demons as old friends, they're something like a comfort or a crutch of sameness to fall back onto. We all see the world in a way others may never be able to, but that's okay. Those people help guide us back to the light, Harry."

"What light?" I find myself smiling, fascinated, Hermione's grip tightening on my arm as if nervous.

"The light radiating off those who are not plagued. Eventually, all of our lights shine through at one time or another. You have to know, Harry, despite everything that has happened- I can still see the beginnings of that light shining through in you."

"You think so?" I ask, smiling at the feeling of the cool feeling of her hands seeping through my skin. _Am I really getting better?_

"I know so. Now, on that note," she leaned back, removing her hands and placed them neatly in her lap. "Go practice so you can make the Tri-Cup teams!" she tells the group on the soccer teams, most of us getting up to go to the field to hang on the sidelines to practice passing.

I catch Draco in my peripheral vision once or twice, and soon learn to ignore him, focusing more on my footwork. I have to make the team, to prove to myself that Draco is not going to ruin me. I will make the team, I tell myself. No ifs, ands, or buts. 

I can feel myself, slowly but surely, learn how to breathe again,  _without him._

Eventually, people gradually leave the field and the stands, making their way into the warmth of the campus. However, Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, Oliver, Viktor, and I all make our way to the inside of the field once the Slytherins cleared out. We began practicing there, and as we gained a rhythm we all became a force to be reckoned with. Surely, at least a few in our group will make the final cut for the teams.

Except for Viktor that is, of course. All of the other schools choose their teams before venturing here to save on airfare and time. All that's left is for the girls' school to arrive, join with the boy's school, then we go to war.

You know, metaphorically-speaking.

...

When we all finish practice, we're dripping with sweat and out of breath. Even so, we're making jokes and laughing at ourselves as we stumble to the dorms. Luna, Hermione, and the rest who weren't on the team had long headed back inside once the sun was beginning to set. As we entered the doors, we were stopped by Filch.

"It's past curfew."

"I am sorry, sir," Viktor interrupts before any of us can take blame. "It is my fault. Please excuse them."

"Your only warning," Filch warned, "Go."

We graciously took his offer and sped to our respective hallways and dormitories, none of us daring to look back to see if Filch was still watching us.

Once we got into the main hall before the rooms split, I said goodbye to Ron and headed into the room as quietly as I could. Everyone was asleep, good. I undressed swiftly and put on clothes more slowly, taking my time to let myself wind down from the day I had just experienced.

It was a lot of information to take in. The man who my parents named my godfather, was not a bad person like the files had told me. The professor who supposedly watched behind the scenes as my parents were murdered, had in fact not even known about the plan until it was much too late. Snape seemed to be no longer the only "hero" in the story of my parents' murders.

It was a peculiar thought. I hadn't even known my parents' true cause of death until just a week or so before, yet it felt as though I had known this entire time- deep down. Somehow, I had to have known that I was not hated, but a reminder of a dead sister. But that may just be wishful thinking on my part, or a bias of hindsight.

Repressive memory be damned, Tom Riddle was something my young brain immortalized in my mind. My parents' killer. God, even now, it seems unreal.

I slipped into bed, staring at the ceiling blankly. Do all children of murder victims ("victims"... _shit_ , what a word) react the same? Does that make me a victim too? Or just some kid now facing the aftermath of a death all too close to home? Do all the surviving family members find it this surreal when it happens to them? Or just those that find out years later?

 _That's not important now_ , I remind myself, bringing me back to the task at hand. I need to sleep, or at least try to. Part of me wishes I had sleeping pills. The other part of me wishes I liked alcohol enough to find some to knock me out.

I close my eyes, and I feel as though the heaviness of my body sinks me deeper into the mattress. I try to clear my thoughts, but they come back to my dead parents. I have such a cynical view of the people I don't remember, but everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I guess.

I puff out in annoyance, there I go again, thinking too much. I hear Castiel snoring from across the room and I try to focus on that. I listen to him inhale and exhale until eventually I fall asleep too.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> God, I love writing Luna. I can spill all my thoughts through her lips and it's within character. xD Don't forget to review!


	69. Dreams One Has

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Ephemeral Dream by Dan Caine
> 
> Been waiting to use one of his pieces! Has the perfect vibe I was going for!
> 
> Also, people- please pay attention to dream sequences. XD  
> I don't write them for my health and dream sequences are one of the few instances that the metaphorical curtains will be blue to show isolation and sadness, rather than "just 'cus". Thanks.

 

I dream sometimes, but not very often. I tend to sleep lightly, with no dreams to be had or remembered, but this night I did, and it was almost impossible to forget. I think, sometimes, the dreams one has can be the answer to any and every question you may have in your life... but only sometimes.

...

The dream began simply, with me walking in a hall of mirrors but unable to see my own reflections beside me, in front, or behind me. It was as though the hall was endless, scarcely unable to even tell if I was moving forward because of the endless mirrors, my only sense of movement being the sound of my own footfalls. Reaching out my arms to full length, my fingertips brushed against the surface of mirrors. Although my reflection could not be seen, ripples were left in my wake, a steady movement forward. Meaning I truly _was_ moving.

That was a start.

I stop, removing my left hand from the wall to press beside where it felt like I was pressing my right hand. The mirror ripples around my hands, as though my hands are just breaking the surface of water. The feeling of movement but not being able to see yourself do so is extremely disorienting.

To have sight, yet still be blind.

I slide my hands next to each other so I can feel the sensation of them brushing each other, however I still feel nothing. Out of desperation and anger from a dream I could not wake from, I smashed the sides of my fists into the mirrors, the glass exploding towards me. I know I should feel the sensation of glass cutting my skin, but I don't feel any pain.

I don't feel anything.

Once I pass the threshold of the shattered mirror into the dark space, I turn to find the room has enclosed itself around me. I know there is plenty of space to walk, but I can't make myself step forward. I sit on the ground slowly, revering in the feeling of my hands as they rub briefly against my knees to help me ease myself to the floor. The sense of feeling returning was a familiar comfort. There are no sounds of footsteps this time, because I can't bring myself to walk. Idly, I wonder if I am alone. I knock thrice on the floor in front of me, to which only silence greets me- not even an echo.

It is at this point, I become more lucid in the dream.

I reach out my arm and pull a cord that doesn't exist, but the lightbulb still shines as it hovers mid-air. I reach out to touch the bulb, but it doesn't burn. A pleasant warmth radiates from it, like the spring sun. Although the bulb only lightens a small circle around me, it is bright enough to be a help.

By that cord that is still nowhere to be found, I tug the bulb behind me as though it were a pet I were taking for a stroll (nevermind the floating). I find a door and feel the wood beneath my fingers gratefully, pressing my forehead against it, a tether to the real world. I moved my head backward and reached for the knob, to which there was none. Shrugging, I stick a few fingers in the hole where the knob should be, and pull it toward me.

The door opens with a human-like sigh.

I pass through the door and the door stays cracked behind me, not closing itself entirely. I turn to find the bulb that was lagging behind me seconds ago, apparated onto the table in front of me. Although in the stark whiteness of the room, I have no reason to, I find the light's string (that now exists) and pull.

Unlike before, the light has no weight, and it propels toward me. Breaking upon my bare feet. The few cuts that adorn my feet look serious, but the rest of me is unmarred. The light, however, is shattered.

I broke the light.

I find my vision blurring with tears, staring down at my bleeding feet. Between my toes and on the surface of my skin, the blood moves slowly like thick syrup down my feet and onto the floor between my toes. I know blood doesn't gush like that. Especially not from just a few glass cuts, but my hysteria has my mind reeling.

I didn't mean to break it.

I feel someone watching me, so I whip my head toward that direction. It's another mirror, but this one is much nicer than the impersonal Hall of Mirrors I just left. I remember this mirror. It's a mirror at Vernon and Petunia's. A family heirloom from my mother's side of the family, hand-crafted by a man who created treasures like this under the name Erised. That priceless mirror, covered up in the attic to collect dust, so it will not 'lose its value'.

Walking closer to the Mirror of Erised, I see myself standing before it, naked and my feet bleeding. For the first time in the dream, I can see myself again. Behind me, I see my mother and father smiling over my shoulders, in the only way I remember them. A memorized image of an old photograph they took at a Venetian fountain on their honeymoon.

My mother wraps her arms around my neck, bending down, and kissing my shoulder. My father places his hand on my head, ruffling my hair. Then, they disappear. I'm left alone with the mirror.

Suddenly, my reflection disappears again, this time, replaced by Draco. I knock against the mirror, trying to call him to attention. He looks at me with a tortured look in his eyes and reaches out. I reach out as well, my hand shaking. We cannot touch through the mirror.

_I'm still alone._

...

I wake up.


	70. All Doubts Aside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song:
> 
> Conrad by Ben Howard

 

I woke up from the dream in a haze, my body slick with sweat. I moved the covers from my body and headed towards the showers, school clothes in hand. The walk to the showers seemed short, I turned the knob of one of the showers on and waited for the water to get hot. I removed my sweat-drenched clothes and set them under my clean clothes, hanging my towel on the hook behind me. I hear the door open once I get under the tap but I do not flinch. There's a corridor separating the door from the main hall so no one's naked body flashes passersby.

I don't see Seamus until he's rounded the corner.

"Hey, Harry. You're up early."

"I could say the same thing," I laugh, still shy at the concept of communal showers.

"Is somethin' wrong? You seem a bit spacey." he asks, hoisting himself onto the sink's counter top.

"Besides the fact you're in here when I'm naked." I half-heartedly joke, avoiding eye contact.

"You know that's not it, Harry. The others may not see it, but I know that look. You've lost your light." He says surely, still staring at my face. Maybe he overheard my talk with Luna.

"My light- Luna said something like that." I remember my dream and dots begin to connect.

"Well, Luna's a smart girl. She's also not a very blunt girl, so let me be straight with you, Harry." He tells me, moving off of the counter and toward me, his eyes set on my expression. "I don't know how, but I can see in your eyes that you fucked Draco over. You have the guilt, the longing, the pain, every time I see you even glance in his direction."

My face twists and I glance down, subconsciously covering myself as I feel naked in more ways than one. He uses his fingers to wrench my jaw to face him and his expression is one I've never seen before. Fury, something pure and solely because he knows that I'm shying away from the truth. I finally meet his eyes, they almost soften.

"Harry, whether it's with a friend or someone else entirely-" he took a ragged breath, as though it burned to inhale. "You have to end things cleanly. Either you plead for forgiveness and end your story with him on your side, or you tell him everything and you cut away every part of him you hold dear."

The water turns off automatically, signalling the end of my showering time. The room seems eerily quiet as I feel pinpricks well behind my eyes.

"I have no right to ask forgiveness," I admit, "I screwed things up. I made assumptions and brought up things that I-"

"It doesn't matter," he exhaled, his posture sloughing off its rigidity. "Draco Malfoy needs a light too, and I think you may be it. Talk to him, don't expect anything, but just try to talk. Sound good?"

"Sure. Mind shoving off, though? It's cold in here." I tell him, managing a sly smile.

He took his hands away, showing me his palms, "Truce. Just came to help. I know we aren't very close, Harry, but take it from someone who knows."

"Dean?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "our friendship has been rocky since the beginning, but honesty and openness are the key to any good relationship."

"Thanks, Huck Finn." I laugh, wrapping a towel around my waist.

He snorts, "Lame. Anyhow, see you in the mess hall?"

"No," I answer, smiling a little. "I'll be going early today."

"Fighting!" he fistpumps the air, mimicking a cheesy Japanese accent. "You can do it, Daniel-san!"

"Get out!" I laugh, pointing to the door.

Once he leaves, I drop the towel and put on my clothes.

....

When I walk to the cafeteria, Draco is walking out briskly. I speed up to match our paces.

"Draco!" I yell as I catch up.

He flinches, making my stomach sink.

"Can we talk?" I ask, trying to hold myself together as my tongue seems to dry with my every word.

"What's there to talk about?" Draco quipped, arms crossing as he looks ahead.

"Look," I say tenderly, lightly holding his forearm. He stops beside me, seeming to hold his breath. "I could beg for your forgiveness, we could do that, but I think we both know that isn't what you want. Part of me is sure you forgave me the second I left the manor, and the other part of me is sure the reason we're strained now is because we tiptoed around each other like children. I think that maybe if we talked enough, we could remain in each other's life as friends."

"And you don't want more?" He asks skeptically, his stance relaxing only slightly.

"Of course I want more, but I also know we took things way too quickly. Some people can manage the whirlwind romance, Dray, but I don't think we can. Even if things aren't like before, I would be happy just knowing you're in my life again." I tell him, my heart racing. "This is going to sound really shitty and clichè but I had a dream last night and I think it was about us. I think it told me what I did wrong, and showed me the truth."

"Which is?" He asks, my resolve faltering at his short responses.

"You're my light in the darkness, Draco. Without ever having been in a relationship before, I toyed with the idea of finding myself and everything I ever wanted, in you.  I broke through everything to feel close to you and I was finally with you. Then, when I thought everything was going well, it took a turn for reality. My ideal shattered at my feet and every feeling of abandonment I ever experienced was realized when we fought. I ran from it, so I wouldn't have to feel that again, but it was selfish and I ruined what we had because of it. For that, I'm sorry, I have no excuse but I want to start from the beginning and try to be friends again without all the complications-"

He interrupts me with a semblance of a smile that squeezes my heart within my chest, "I'd like that."

I blink away any tears that may be welling in my eyes, "How does a chat in the courtyard sound?"

"Good," he responds, hooking arms with me as he leads me to the courtyard.

The sun glints off of his hair and he seems to remember something as his arm slips out of mine so his hand can gently hold my bicep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> An explanation, to those of you who may have been confused by the dream.
> 
> Also- I didn't plan for them to be talking this soon, but honestly it makes more sense to me. Especially if you have friends like Seamus (and Luna) who give you the much-needed kick in the head.
> 
> Also Seamus x Dean is queerplatonic, they are both no-libido aces in this. In my eyes, Seamus is a very passionate demi-romantic and Dean is a slightly apprehensive quoi-romantic. And yes, I haven't read the book but this is my AU so shhhh.


	71. Draco POV 2 (chap 66-69)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song:
> 
> I'm Not Giving Up by Gloria Estefan 
> 
> Starts at end of chapter 66, ends at closure of chapter 69

 

You could say I did a pretty good job of keeping all of my feelings at bay, that is until I heard his voice screaming bitterly at me.

_"Good luck out there, Draco! You need all the practice you can get!"_

He spoke my name in the same venom that his friends did, the friends that I tormented through my school days because my father once had me indoctrinated to the beliefs that families with money and political sway were kings in a world of rats. It hurt, the comment was hard to shake off. The entire practice, all I heard in my head was his voice repeating those words over and over again. It was even worse than our fight, because at least I was nasty back. I defended myself, but I didn't now. 

No doubt his friends knew about what happened. If that was the case, then they hated me with even more conviction than before, and that was a tidal wave to begin with. My distance from him seems even further as we Slytherin slowly pour from the locker rooms to return to our rooms.

"They're going to get in trouble with Filch," a girl sneered next to me, "Filch with have their hides strung up as wallpaper."

"Now I know why you're called Molly Morbid," I grunt under my breath, to which she huffs, walking ahead. 

I stop for a moment, watching Harry and his friends practicing together. Smiling, laughing, in-sync with each other in a way I thought Harry and I once were. I catch his expression once or twice before feeling unwelcome, I walk back to the path leading to the school and I'm stopped by a girl with light hair and a strange expression on her face.

"You miss Harry, don't you?" she asked, a knowing look in her eyes.

"So you know, then?" I ask, to which she nods.

"Yes," she smiles just slightly, her hands entwining in front of her. "I know enough. If my suspicions are correct, I think that you two could still make it. As it seems to me, Harry is the one that needs to work through things before you two may move forward. However, I do not know you well enough to say. I only know what I've heard, but you know what they say."

"I don't," I admit, not seeing the point as to why she's even talking to me. 

"There are three truths: Your truth, my truth, and The Truth," she emphasized, the latter being used in air quotes. "So if you ever want to talk about anything, feel free to let me know. Like Harry, I have my own battle-scars to deal with, but I've learned anything is that is takes more than one to heal. I haven't heard the full extent of what happened yet, but if you ever want to talk about what happened with Harry or just your battle-scars, feel free to find me. I would be glad to be a friend to you, Draco. It seems like you may be in need of one."

She was so candid about it, but the way she spoke, her expression was so clearly with good intention that I was left speechless. I nodded for a few seconds before finding the words I wanted to say.

"Thank you, uh-"

"Luna Lovegood."

"Yeah," I say more to myself than to her.

"You must be aware, though," she noted, making purposeful eye contact with me. "I will not tell Harry what we discuss, but I will let Neville in on a few things. He doesn't understand your previous cruelty, Draco, but if he understands then he may come to forgive you."

"Forgive me?" I ask breathlessly.

"Surely you want forgiveness, if the way Harry described your tenderness holds any water."

I let out a shaky breath, "Could we talk now? You, Neville, and I?"

She seems shocked, "Meet us in the library?"

I nod, brushing past her, my heart pounding in my chest.

......

They take me to the courtyard, empty now because those who are still awake are either in bed or down at the soccer field. We sit under the tree that I met Harry and it all seems so surreal. As though it's just a comatose dream I may soon wake from. Neville is the first to speak.

"I want you to tell me the generalities of what happened."

"You're all business," I say, a little put-off by his serious demeanor. I have never seen him look so strong-willed.

I give them the basics, avoid what happened with my father, and avoid the more intimate details. Eventually, I finish and Neville gives me something like a sour look. It's at that moment I realize that he knew all along. He knew who my father was and what he did before Harry came home from the holidays. 

"What do you know that you aren't admitting?"

"Well, over the break when Luna and I were talking, I came to realise something important."

"Meaning?"

"There was no possible way you didn't know about your father's... activities. Further than that though, I realized that when you took Harry into your home, you must have had absolutely no idea of what your father did to Harry's parents, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten your hands dirty with it. So when Harry came back, acting the way he did... I knew he didn't know and that you didn't tell him. In a way, I can understand, but as his friend I think you should have told him the truth. He isn't going to hear it from me, he shouldn't have to, but I highly doubt you're going to tell him. So when that time comes, you should be prepared for the consequences."

I nod, "I know I should have told him, but if he hears it from me now, I doubt I could say it in a way which would make him understand why I wanted to keep him from the truth. Even if part of the reason was to save my own skin. I _love_ Harry, I do, I really do, but we did it all wrong. I want to give the idea of him and I another shot, but it'd be a long road to get to that point... Uhm, on another note, I'm sorry."

"What?" he asked, eyes widening in shock.

"I'm sorry," I say again. "After all that happened, it really opened my eyes. Harry has all of you as dear friends because he cares about all of you, and he puts forth the effort to understand other's situations. I never did that. When I first heard about your parents, and your grandmother, I spread rumors and made fun of you to anyone who would listen and that was really fucked up. I had no right to say all those things, Neville. About you, or any of your friends... I was a self-righteous prick who craved attention that I couldn't get from my father. I'm making excuses, I have no excuse, but I just hope that one day you can forgive me."

"I refuse to forgive you for that," Neville told me, hand tightening into a fist, "However, if you want to be a part of Harry's life, a healthy part of it... then one day I may consider you a friend."

"Thank you," I say breathlessly.

He leaves me alone with my thoughts, Luna giving me a fleeting smile as she runs to his side to hold his hand as they walk. I slouch against the trunk of the tree and begin to sob. Things are going to have to change, and I suppose it all starts with whether or not Harry could ever forgive me- or at least give me another chance.

......

The day after talking to Luna and Neville, I find myself raw- as though I've been picking away at all my scabs to give them a taste of fresher air. When I hear footsteps, I look out of the corner of my eye to see Harry racing up behind me. My first instinct is to run, but I manage to slow down the urge enough to make my pace just seem like a fast walk. I flinch when he says my name.

"Can we talk?"

"What's there to talk about?" I asked, crossing my arms in an attempt to ward off the sudden chill I felt wash over me. 

"Look," he whispered, reaching out to grab my forearm. I wait for him to speak. "I could beg for your forgiveness, we could do that, but I think we both know that isn't what you want. Part of me is sure you forgave me the second I left the manor, and the other part of me is sure the reason we're strained now is because we tiptoed around each other like children. I think that maybe if we talked enough, we could remain in each other's life as friends."

"And you don't want more?" I ask, memories of days back at the manor suddenly rearing their heads. Part of me shrinks at the thought that he changed his mind about everything that happened, despite how it turned out. In a way, though, he _was_ right.

"Of course I want more, but I also know we took things way too quickly. Some people can manage the whirlwind romance, Dray, but I don't think we can. Even if things aren't like before, I would be happy just knowing you're in my life again." Him calling me 'Dray' causes me too look down in embarrassment. I like the way he says it. "This is going to sound really shitty and clichè but I had a dream last night and I think it was about us. I think it told me what I did wrong, and showed me the truth."

"Which is?" I ask, completely confused at where he is even going with the conversation.

"You're my light in the darkness, Draco. Without ever having been in a relationship before, I toyed with the idea of finding myself and everything I ever wanted, in you. I broke through everything to feel close to you and I was finally with you. Then, when I thought everything was going well, it took a turn for reality. My ideal shattered at my feet and every feeling of abandonment I ever experienced was realized when we fought. I ran from it, so I wouldn't have to feel that again, but it was selfish and I ruined what we had because of it. For that, I'm sorry, I have no excuse but I want to start from the beginning and try to be friends again without all the complications-"

I interrupt him and I feel a despairing smile cross my face, "I'd like that."

"How does a chat in the courtyard sound?"

"Good," I respond, hooking arms with him as I lead him to the courtyard.

I remember my talk with Luna and Neville and slip my arm out of his, so my hand can gently hold his arm. 

Slow down, Draco. 

Slow down.

 


	72. As Time Passes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song:
> 
> Cello Suite No. 1 -Prelude- Bach
> 
> The obligatory passage-of-time to get to the next major plot point. Bear with me, because you still need to read this chapter. On a side note, I thought this song fit well with this chap.
> 
> Also, I know somewhere along the way I stopped keeping track of the day but I think at this point in the story, it's unnecessary. Ha

So, I'm kind-of friends with Draco again. When we see each other in the hall, we smile or wave, and I alternate between sitting with him outside to eat our meals or eating with my group of friends at lunch. The need to see Draco feels less like a desperate need now, it feels more like an improvement to my day. I like this new way we are doing this, it's comfortable.

It's been a couple of days since classes started back up, but sulking so much over Draco for that short while made the time seem to pass even slower. So when Hermione made a comment at dinner about getting a corsage for the Yule Ball, I was floored. I had completely forgotten. At the time, in the grand scheme of things, it seemed inconsequential but now it had come to the forefront of my attention. That metaphor about something rearing its ugly head immediately came to mind.

"You uh-kay Harry?" Oliver asked me, chewing with one side of his mouth and talking with the other. "Look like ya seen a ghost."

"You forgot the dance, didn't you?" Dean grinned in good humor, "Do you even have a suit?"

I remember Christmas and the tuxedo box in my bag, still unpacked. I feel my lips press shut as I nod my head.

"Yeah, uh, I got a suit as a gift from a shop in town." I say in a weak voice, clearing my throat I go back to eating.

"Did, uh," Hermione paused for a second, "your dad get you that suit you liked at the shop?"

"Not him, but yeah, that's the suit I have." I drifted off, trying to take on a cheerier voice. "Would you go with me to get shoes?"

"Of course, Harry. I wouldn't miss it." She smiled, "Can't wait to see how handsome you look in your suit."

"If we go now, we can make it back before curfew." I offer, and she nods excitedly, picking up her tray and purse.

"Race you to the woods." She grinned.

Fred piped up sarcastically, "You can use our car,"

"Since you didn't bother to ask." George finished, tossing me the keys.

I tossed my tray into the bin and caught the keys with both hands.

"Well this will make the trip go faster." I admitted, tapping Hermione on the shoulder. "On three-"

"Three!" Hermione yelled, racing out of the lunch room.

I ran after her, an assortment of confused looks, 'what-the-hell' looks, and amused looks following after us.

"You cheated!" I laughed, pushing myself to match her pace.

"Why, I never!" She laughed, trying to sound indignant but failing miserably.

She beat me to the car by an impressive stretch. She decided to drive there and back. As we began driving, we settled into silence. After a while, she glanced over at me and I prepared myself for what I knew she was about to ask.

"How are you doing?" She tried sounding casual, but her inner worry-wart wouldn't leave her be.

"Better. He and I are talking again, which is good. Things haven't changed much, we still talk about the same things and act pretty much the same. The only difference is that I have to hold back now.

I can't brush his hair out of his eyes if they fall in his face... I can't hold his hand or kiss him. I can't even bring myself to hug him. It hurts, 'Mione, but that was our problem. We gave in too readily to those kinds of things. We didn't take any considerations into slowing things down, even though we needed to. We barely knew a thing about each other and we almost... a-almost... you know...

This kind of thing was really difficult for me since I had no experience with relationships and his past with those things seems even rougher than mine. We're taking a much-needed step back. I made a new friend in the process, Cedric, as well as the Malfoy family butler, Dobby. The experience was good, in the long run, you know?"

She nodded, eyes distant as they watched the empty road become a large paved road into town. "So he bought you that suit, right?"

"Yeah, he did." I responded, figuring out where this was going.

"Did you two plan on going to the Yule Ball together?" she asked, parking in a public lot so we could walk the strip.

"We never really talked about it." I admitted, "I guess we both kind of assumed we would go together, then when we broke up I asked Cedric to be my date as a support system and as a good friend... Which is awful of me since I said _we_ would go together. I'm sorry, Hermione."

"Don't be," she said with a strangely mature voice, putting her hand on mine. "I understand."

Her tone changed and a twinkle appeared in her eyes as she grabbed her purse and got out of the car. She watched me inside with a broad smile.

"Plus, Viktor Krum asked me to be his date." she concluded smugly, closing the car door and walking off.

I hurried out and closed the door, running behind her as she clicked the car lock on the key remote.

"When did you plan on telling me?!" I asked excitedly, hooking arms with her. "I wanna know everything. I could've swore he had a thing for you when I introduced you guys. Glad I was right."

"Well," she smiled, pausing, "Let me know if I am talking too much, okay?"

I nodded, letting her lead me into a shoe store as she continued talking.

"Anyway, that day we were in the library, he moved next to me to read over my shoulder. It made me a little uncomfortable at first, our arms were touching and I didn't even really know him.

So, after I finished the page and turned to the next one, he kind of whispered in my ear really quiet _'What does this word mean?'_ and he'd pointed to this word at the top of the page.

I realized at this point that English is probably his second or even third language so a word like that must be really foreign to him (no pun intended), so I explained it to him slowly and as thoroughly as I could then I glance over at him and he's smiling. You know, this really endearing smile that kind of slips out when you can't help it.

I get a bit embarrassed and say, _'What?'_

 _'You're very smart, Hermione.'_ He says in a completely serious voice and I just get flustered and laugh it off.

So we go back to reading and a while later, I'm showing him around and a couple of girls nearby catch sight of him and start getting starstruck, asking him for autographs and stuff. He had this look of patience until they finished and then apologized to me. Of course, I was a little jealous. I mean I was talking to Viktor Krum! I never thought that would happen to me in a million years. Even more that he was interested in what I had to say.

So after a while of bumbling on about the school and how I was a scholarship student, I stopped and told him to stop me if I was talking too much. Of course he said I wasn't. I stopped talking anyway, and he kind of stared at me for a bit.

Then, out of the blue, he said, ' _I maybe ask too early, but will you go to Yule Ball with me?_ '

Needless to say, my first instinct is to wonder 'why me?', ' _You can go with anyone_.'

He shrugs and says, _'I like to listen to you speak, it's... it's ah_ ,' and he stops like he is trying to think of what he wants to say in English. ' _Calm_.' He says. ' _I don't need to talk much. You are interesting woman_.'

I hesitate, about to say no but he tells me to think about it and walks with me to the dining hall. He eats with our group, says a few things here and there but seems pleasant. He doesn't watch me or anything and allows me to think. When I'm in the common room, I hear a knock at the door and when I answer it Viktor is standing there with a fistful of wild daisies. He looks vulnerable, and after seeing his matches on TV for quite a while now I can safely say it was the first time I'd seen that look on him.

All he said was, ' _These are for you_.'

' _Thank you_ ,' I said with a smile. ' _I want to go with you to the Ball, if that's okay_.'

He nodded and smiled, back to his cool nature again, and kissed my hand. ' _Very okay. Thank you, Hermione._ '

' _Is it a date_?' I asked.

He kind of half-smiled and said, ' _A date is when you go and have fun with person who you would like to maybe have future with, yes?'_

I feel like my face is on **fire** at this point, ' _Usually, yeah.'_

' _Then, yes, it's a date_.' He smiled then and looked me in the eyes and handed me the flowers and said ' _Goodnight, Hermione_.'

' _Good_ ,' and I trail off because it felt so intimate to say his name and I ended up spluttering out, ' _Goodnight, Viktor_.'

So yeah, that's what happened, Harry."

With my purchased shoes in hand, we walked back towards the car.

"Viktor Krum is a complete romantic, who knew?" I smile, and she leans her head on my shoulder.

"I've had boyfriends, but I've never been courted like this before. It feels nice." she admits, exhaling a puff of hot air in the cool wind.

"If he hurts you, he dies." I say with mock-seriousness.

"Okay, _dad_." She jokes, giggling into my coat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> I was going to end the chapter after she said "Well" and kind of end it there vaguely but honestly I wanna write my headcanon for how Viktor asked her AND I AM THE WRITER SO I DO WHAT I WANT! #fistbump   
> But for real, I love his character and I wish he had more screen-time in the movie (and in the fic tbh but it would be too irrelevant, whatcanyado).
> 
> (Plus I wanted more Harry and Hermione being adorable besties in my life)


	73. Out of Practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter Song:
> 
> Young Fools by Anadel
> 
> Honestly, pretty much their entire discography would be perfect for this story b/c their music is already perfect.

Finding ourselves walking back from the car to school grounds, the chill of winter biting at our cheeks. Hermione's eyes sparkled in a way they hadn't earlier today, they looked free. I smiled wistfully, coughing roughly to find my voice.

"So, does anyone else know yet?" I asked her.

She shook her head, "No, I wanted to tell you first."

"Well, I guess I can break the news about Ced first if you wanna drop the bomb after me." I tell her, holding the door open for her as she strolls inside.

"Sounds good. Let's meet up with the whole group the night of so we can all get pictures together." She grinned, tugging her scarf away from her mouth.

"That's Oliver and his girlfriend, Ron and his date if he brings one, Neville and Luna, Ginny and her date if she brings one, Dean and Seamus, Ced and I, then you and Viktor. That's fourteen. Then eighteen if Fred and George come with dates..." I drift off, talking more to myself. "Wow, that's quite a lot of people. We'd take up two whole tables, at least, and that's if no other classmates tag along or if my dad or godfathers sit with us, oh god I hope they don't. Speaking of which, I wonder if Remus convinced Sirius to be a chaperone-" I drivel on and Hermione laughs, tapping my shoulder.

"Harry, I'm going to bed. Why don't you talk to, your- uhm... Professor Snape and ask if he knows, besides, you two really should talk about what you're going to do for spring break. You need to set up a room and such to live with him, don't you?" She smiled, her eyes misty from drowsiness.

"Yeah, he and I need to talk some things over. I'll have him escort me to the dorms when we're done, be careful on your walk back- and you should try to stay out of Filch's way if you can."

She nodded, kissing my cheek before walking away. I watched her as she was unwrapping her scarf from her neck slowly, her shoes thunking against the tile floor with every step. I listened to the sound until it faded, briskly walking towards Severus's room.

I had never even thought about it before. Does Severus live solely at the school or does he own a home somewhere? Rent an apartment? Own a condo? I had no real clue. Judging by my own intuition, Sirius and Remus lived together although Remus spends most of his year at the school. They seemed to have the relationship of flatmates, but I would ask for sure whenever I had a good opportunity. Most of the hall lights were set to their dimmest setting, reminding me of how old houses looked when lit by candlelight.

I rapped quietly on the wood door, before I heard a quiet, "Come in."

Stepping inside, I closed the door. "Hey, dad."

"You don't have to call me that, you know." He whispered, red pen hovering over ungraded papers. "You could just call me Severus, if you'd like. As much as I would love to be your father, Harry, I simply haven't earned the title."

"I'll give it time, then," I say absently. Sitting on the bed, I lean against the wall. "I'm going to the Yule Ball with a former grad here, Cedric Diggory. I wanted you to know. I didn't really realize until today how I'd forgotten about it."

"Understandably," he sighed, as if he was relieved that I was treading back into familiar conversation. I guess the 'dad' bit before is still new to him. "Heartbreak is something that should never be taken too lightly. Thank you for telling me. Anyhow." A grin snagged his features before he could hide it from me, "Cedric, hm? My, what a catch, Harry."

I flush at the sudden change in his demeanor, "We're going as friends! Just friends!"

"I wasn't implying anything, I was just saying." He rose his eyebrows twice suggestively, his smile fading as he returned to grading.

"I also came to ask something. In the chaos of these past few weeks, we haven't gotten to know each other. You know, as a family. Could you and I maybe use the next short break to do some family-bonding stuff?" I ask, my eyes glued to the condensation dripping from my sneakers to the floor.

"Of course. We'll have to include your godfathers too," Severus mock-sighed. "They'll pout otherwise."

"Sounds good." I nod, "I'll let you get back to grading. I need to head back before curfew. Will you and Remus eat at the lunch tables with my friends tomorrow? I want to formally introduce at least the two of you."

"I'm sure he'll agree. We'll see you then. You should start training tomorrow... The final decisions will be made in the next few days for the Tri-Cup teams. They'll announce who made the Hogwarts teams after the Yule Ball." He told me, looking at me over his spectacles.

"Thank you. Goodnight, Da- I mean, uh, Severus." I grin, taking my leave.

Closing the door, heading back to the dorms, I hear a strange sound from the indoor soccer court connected by the nearby corridor.

I crack the door to see Draco kicking a line of soccer balls against a wall, kicking them at full strength one after the other, his hair soaked with sweat dripping from his body with every movement. I call out to him, walking closer and narrowly dodging a ball bouncing back off the wall and into my direction. He stops and turns to face me, his expression seems conflicted but he goes for a smile.

"Hey, Harry," he says breathlessly, taking a moment to catch his second wind. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the exact same thing, it's almost curfew." I tell him, rolling a ball under my shoe.

"It's been that long?" He gasped, pressing a button on his watch to display the time. "Wow, I had no idea."

"I guess you're pretty serious about making the team, huh?" I ask.

He shrugs, his face betraying anxiety over the upcoming announcement ceremony.

"I'm still a bit out of practice," I admit. "I'll be one lucky duck if I somehow manage to make the team."

"You'll be fine, Potter," he says, eyes intently watching the ball under my foot. "You're clumsy but your instincts are good and if you get picked for the team, the nonstop practices will make up for lost time. You can ask Cedric, he made the team when he was here."

"You know Cedric?" I ask, a bit shocked at the sound of his name from Draco's lips.

"You forget his father works for my father. Of course I know him." Draco snaps a tad defensively. "Anyhow, you should practice every free second these next few days. You'll need them."

As he leaves the room, a strange feeling washes over me, is he jealous of Cedric? And why?


	74. Griffindor Pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Normal Love by Atlanta Rhythm Section
> 
> I wanted to use a Foreign Tongues song but their lyrics are a tad hard to discern. So here we are. XD This is a great song, though.

********As I headed back towards the rooms, the first thought that occurred to me was that I was being paranoid. It would be understandable for him to feel awkward about Cedric. When Draco had left town with his father, I did decide to sleep over at the house of someone easily considered a stranger. That being said, since Draco and I _were_ in a kind of relationship at the time, it would seem a little inappropriate.

When I enter the common room, Ron is sitting alone by the fireplace grinning from ear to ear. I sit beside him and he seems excited to see that it's me. He pulls his knees up to his chin, setting his cheek on his knees to look at me.

"Hello, Harry,"

"Hey, Ron, why exactly are you smiling all by yourself?" I asked amusedly.

"I got asked to the Yule Ball," his cheeks reddened a little, "Lavender Brown, you know- apparently she _fancies_ me."

"Why, welcome back to the land of Common Knowledge, Captain Obvious!" I laugh. "I knew from the first day I got here she had a thing for you. So, what happened?"

"Nothing spectacular or anything, but she asked if I had a date yet, and I said no. She got this real' bright smile, and said 'You have one now'. I asked what color she was wearing- you know, 'cause people usually match at those kind of things- and she said not to worry about it. And, get this, she gave me this sly look and said 'only people who should be allowed worry about matching is old married couples and yuppie families'. I couldn't believe she said that! Honestly, she seemed a little dull at first but she's totally great. We spent free period talking about who we thought was going to make the boy and girl teams of the Tri-Cup."

"Well, that's great." I tell him, bumping his shoulder with mine. "You know I did the counting of how big a table we need, we need to seat almost 20 people."

"Oh man," he exhales sharply, "I didn't even think about that. We should warn the someone on the committee about it so we don't ruin their setup. Oh! I think Ginny is on it this year."

"I hope we aren't the only really big group like that," I say aloud, "but we may be. I mean, with there being other schools, there may not be too much intermingling besides people and their dates."

"Good point, but I think a lot of them plan to go with their friends from school. Plus we won't know the layout until everyone arrives, night of. They're keeping all details close to the vest this year."

"Sounds exciting," I admit. "I never went to any school dances where I used to live, I never had any close friends so I just stayed home or went out somewhere instead."

"That sounds kind of lonely, Harry. I'm sorry you had to go through that, whatever your circumstances were."

"Thanks," I told him, patting his shoulder before standing and going to my room.

I tiptoed in, the other boys asleep in their beds. Sliding the shirt off my back, I added my shirt and eventually my pants to the pile in the corner. I glance at a cork-board on the far wall. My turn to do laundry in the communal utilities room this week. I make a mental note to do it tomorrow.

...

The days passed in what seemed to be the blink of an eye. Between short conversations with Draco, lunches with my friends (and now the occasional joining of Remus or Severus, or both), and practicing soccer at every free moment; it felt more akin to routine than preparation for the Tri-Cup.

The most memorable moment was when I practiced soccer with Draco, two days before the announcement ceremony at the Yule Ball, and it reminded me of the first time we had practiced together. Unlike before, we had become careful of each other and still were wary of getting too close. During that day at the tree, we had no fear in the contact sport of soccer, now we gave up the ball to the other in favor of getting too close. It was painful to realize how utterly _normal_ it's boiling down to. We were like a normal ex-couple, not one tied to cults or murder. It could be the start of a new beginning between us, despite the long journey it is going to take to get back to square-one.

......

The day of the Yule Ball, I found myself waking to the sound of an uproar in the common room, and the beds of Neville, Seamus, and Dean empty. I glance at the calendar, it's a Saturday, changing into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I fill my pockets with my wallet, as sparse as it may be, and phone before meeting a bombardment of Griffindors cheering to themselves.

"What's all the racket for? I was sleeping," I laugh, putting a hand on Neville's shoulder.

"We got the leak ratios!" Neville shouted excitedly.

"The _what_?" I ask, face scrunching in confusion.

"Long story short, it's a sneak peak how many people from each house will be on each team for the Tri-Cup." Neville explained, "We've managed to get more of our house on the teams this year. Usually, Slytherins dominate the ratios by a landslide, but this year we're actually evenly-matched."

"Why have the numbers been so uneven?" I asked.

Dean was ready with an answer, moving towards my ear to speak over the noise of the others, "Hufflepuffs tend to be more more club-oriented, Ravenclaws more study-oriented, Slytherins more sport-oriented, and we Griffindors tend to be more versatile or non-committal with our interests. Everyone was sorted according to their personality tests attached to the application, the houses are supposedly to help keep violence to a minimum and help students surround themselves with like-minded people. Seems to have worked pretty well so far."

"Yeah," I say distantly, "Seems like it." My thoughts drift to tonight, "I'm guessing curfew and visitor restrictions are lifted for the night."

"You would be correct," Seamus interrupted, the room's loud volume lowering to a casual chatter. "Planning on spending the day with Cedric, then?"

"Yeah," I admit, "I'm thinking about it. May double up with Hermione and Viktor, though, it seems Viktor wants to meet Ced 'to see what kind of man I am going to the Ball with.'"

"Does Viktor know about-?" Neville whispered.

I nodded, "Hermione told him the basics, but it seems he's a tad protective of her and I."

Neville chuckled, "You have a knack for making everyone want to stand behind you."

"Yeah," I mutter, getting out my phone and texting Cedric.

_< \---- To: Ced     9:37 am_

_If you aren't too busy, want to spend the day together before the Ball?_

_..._

_\---- > From: Ced    9:39 am_

_I'm never too busy for you, Harry._


	75. The Double Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Moonlight Sonata (1st Movement) by Ludwig von Beethoven

 

And so I went upstairs, changed into gym clothes, and left through the common room with the sole intention of practicing soccer long enough to where I wouldn't just be standing around until Cedric arrived. The indoor court should be abandoned today, seeing as people will most likely opt to sleep in or plan the day away until the Yule Ball.

I eased the door open quietly, turning on light by light. I let out a heavy sigh, I'd be waiting for Cedric at a maximum of 2 or 3 hours. I needed a half hour to shower and get ready once I finished practice. I set an alarm on my phone to alert me once my time was up.

Going to the equipment basket, I picked the least deflated soccer ball and got to practicing. Draco plagued my mind yet again, the fight replaying over and over in my head.

My issue with Blaise, who had tried to win me over as a means of notching his bedpost, was a large part of what drove me to hurting Draco. It had to do with the fact that he saw Draco first, and he obviously had some pull over him, it made me insanely jealous and insecure about Draco's feelings for me. Finding out about what he did to Draco would have been something I would have liked to know before the fight- but that has passed.

Another part was that at some point, Draco had begun to remind me of Tom Riddle. It was little things, mostly small mannerisms, but it was enough to set me off balance. It was the final damage that the memory of Tom within my head wanted to deal out on me. To make it harder to see all of the wonderful things about Draco.

I stop, the ball hitting the wall too hard and hitting my shins. I drop to the floor, rubbing them painfully, turning to my thoughts again. He didn't deserve any of those awful things I said to him. My head lolls to the side and I flop to the floor, my side half-exposed to the floor. I breathe short, shallow breaths until I drift into a nap.

The alarm comes soon after, waking me up. I'm groggy when I head to the communal showers, deciding to just borrow a robe from the open lockers. I decide I'll return it tomorrow. I change into a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, not bothering to fight with my tangled hair. When I knock on the door to Hermione's shared dormitory, Lavender answers. I am surprised, but glancing back at the tag on the wall says she lives in that room too.

"Hey, Harry. Hermione left for the library an hour ago, she's prob'ly still there. She wanted to be early before Viktor got there." She smiles politely and I remember all that Ron said about her.

"Heard you're going to the Ball with Ron," I grin.

"Worked up the confidence and finally did it. He seemed as excited as I was, I dare say." She smiled proudly, "Never thought he'd accept, but I guess there's a chance, hm?"

"If you saw him when he told me," I feel a warmth hiding in my chest. "You'd know how happy he was that you made the first move."

"Go on," she shooed, "Granger won't wait all day."

"Bye, Lavender."

"Bye, Harry," she smiled.

I sped off towards the library, hoping Hermione was still there.

...

She was there with Viktor, smiling and avoiding eye contact as they spoke. I sat at the table quietly, Viktor noticing me first.

"Harry, how is your day?"

I shrug, which makes him chuckle, "Would you two mind if Cedric and I hung around you two until the Ball? You said you wanted to meet him, right, Viktor?"

"Absolutely." He chuffed, "Have to make sure he is a good man."

I flush a little and laugh, not entirely used to the protectiveness. "Okay, I'll tell him to meet us here." When Viktor takes a moment to step out, I ask Hermione how she is doing.

"I think this thing with Viktor may be no more than a fling..."

"To him or to you?" I ask.

"I guess both?"

"Is it because after this he heads home?"

"I don't know how I could fare in a long-distance relationship, if that was even an option."

"You could always try," I offer.

"What if one of us gets hurt?"

"Then at least you tried to make the best of it."

"How sad."

"Be optimistic, Hermione. Can't go any worse than mine did."

"I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry at that, Harry."

"Me either..."

...

When Viktor came back, I had texted Cedric and he was coming in from the parking lot. When Cedric walked in I couldn't keep from smiling, hugging him sideways when he sat at the table.

"Cedric, this is Viktor Krum, and one of my best friends Hermione Granger. Viktor, this is Cedric Diggory." I introduced them and there was a silence for a while before Cedric spoke up.

"I recognize you now. You were the first ever freshman student from your school to compete in the Tri-Cup. I faced off against him in my senior year here." He spoke to Viktor, then to me.

Viktor seemed pleased that Cedric remembered, "You are taller now, you were short before."

"I was not," he laughed, making Viktor laugh too. Hermione and I stared at each other in confusion.

"Would you two like to come with us to town?" Hermione asked, "We can roam around until we need to return to prepare."

"We can take my truck," Cedric offered.

And so we did. All four of us packed ourselves into the bench seat, all of us thigh to thigh. When Cedric spoke, the pleasant silence evaporated instantly.

"So have you and Draco talked yet?"

"Not about what happened, not really."

"Sorry, I shouldn't bring that up in front of your friends," Cedric seemed ashamed. He had said the question without fully realizing the awkwardness it would entail.

"Things are confusing right now," I admit. "We're trying to start over, but in doing so it feels like we're avoiding even brushing past each other while we walk."

"I see," he says cryptically, dropping the subject.


	76. Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Spring Waltz by Chopin

 

'I see', Cedric had said. Those two words thickened the silence and made it uncomfortable, Viktor (thank the stars) took this moment to whisper something in Hermione's ear. She blushed and laughed before smacking his knee.

"Keep it PG-13, okay, kids?" I joke awkwardly, making Hermione laugh.

The joke seems to be lost on Viktor, but Hermione's smile makes him smile too. Hermione squished next to me, she leans her head on my shoulder. Viktor's glance seems jealous before softening and he puts his face in the crook of her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Judging by the expression she flashes me, he has not been touchy-feely with her yet and this is the first time. He mirrored me because he saw she didn't seem to mind it. I nudge her to lean towards him, feeling like a third wheel in their intimacy. She moves from my shoulder and sits up straight, he adjusts but continues to hold his face against her neck and his arms around her waist.

"You smell nice," he whispers.

I blush and pull my feet into the chair, suddenly embarrassed. Cedric takes a hand off the wheel and pulls be against his side, lazily playing with my hair.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, the unspoken feelings he has for me hanging in the air. Or, rather, the 'I am so sorry I do not feel the same way' burning on my tongue.

He smiles, "I know... it's alright. I want you to be happy, whatever that means for you." His voice drops to a whisper as Viktor and Hermione are whispering together. "I won't try and step in, because I know you're in too deep with him anyway. You love him too much... I don't want to intrude."

I close my eyes and smile, "You're an amazing person, I would've been lucky."

"You should text Draco, see how he's doing."

"I don't think I should," I admit. "When we actually start talking again, I'm afraid it'll be a fight... if that happens I don't want it to be over text."

He nods, understanding, "At least when it's face to face, it's harder to lie about your feelings."

The day passed in a blur, all of us going from place to place having fun and sharing stories, ending the outing with a couple cups of cocoa each. When we headed back, Cedric followed Viktor to the guest dorms with his clothes under his arm, Hermione and I raced back to the dorms, meeting with our friends in our respective dorm rooms.

_< \------To: Draco_   
_I'll see you at the dance, right?_

_\------- >From: Draco_   
_Yeah, see ya there._

My heart swells at the text, even though I try to quench it, and it puts a spring in my step.

...

After Hermione and I got ready, we met in the common room and picked up our dates from the guest dormitories. Viktor looked like a foreign prince with his military-esque jacket and rigid stature, his smile breaking the moment his eyes catch on to Hermione. They look like a couple you'd see in old fairytale picture books, they smile when I tell them so.

Cedric, on the other hand, is handsome in a different way. He just looks so excited and happy, bowing to me in the sappiest possible way. "Mr. Potter, may I escort you?"

"I asked you, didn't I?" I joke, breaking his formal charade.

He hooks arms with me and follows behind Viktor, holding Hermione's hand. I try my best to keep from cooing over how adorable they are.

"They are my OTP."

"Relationship goals," Cedric whispers, grinning.

"Absolutely," I chuckle.

Hermione definitely heard us, because I could see the tip of her ears redden.

...

When we arrived, the thick of the crowd was already making their way into the ballroom. Once we went to our reserved table, our group filed in piece by piece. After a few upbeat dances with my friends and a very embarrassing rendition of the macarena, I already found myself tired and the table nearly empty, everyone on the dance floor.

Cedric having left to go get punch, I scope the room in search of new faces. One in particular catches my eye. Walking over, I greet Jethro Aurick with a smile.

"Hey, what's goin' on?" I ask him, biding my time until Cedric returns.

Jethro gives his date a smile, "Casey, this is Harry Potter, the one I told you about. Harry, this is Casey Yang, my datemate."

"Personally, I prefer being called 'lover' but I guess that seems too intimate and sexual for pleasant conversation, hm?" they chuckle.

"I have to say." I admit, grinning at them. "I absolutely love what you're wearing. It's very flattering on you."

Made of a light material, the top had a halter that was tied to make it hang just below their prominent collarbones, the bell sleeves swishing with every movement. In stark contrast, the shirt and pants were relatively tight, a hole in the back of the shirt showing off the small of their back.

"Well it should be!" They laughed again, red lips contrasted against snow-white teeth. "I made it for me, after all."

Cedric soon joins me, wrapping his arm around my waist and handing me a punch glass. "Hermione met me at the punch bowl, she insisted that I beg you to dance with her."

"Okay," I grin, glancing back at the table, Hermione waves. "See ya around, you two."

...

Halfway through the slow dance with Hermione, Viktor cuts in and Cedric takes her place as my partner.

I honestly don't know what I had expected.

I thought everything would go back to the way things were before, but I suppose I must have had a lapse in judgement- or an overestimation of the situation. I cling to Cedric, fiercely keeping my eyes shut. I swallowed every scream and cry, and I suppressed the want to hug him back as his grip tightened around me, stopping on the edge of the dance floor. Of everyone to have come to the Yule Ball with, he came with Blaise Zabini.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Aren't you glad I uploaded this all at once? XD You didn't have to wait for the drama to unfold.
> 
> Also: Yes, I did just designate a decent portion of the chapter to introduce a gender-neutral character that will not appear ever again. Ya wanna know why? GENDER QUEER VISIBILITY AT HOGWARTS IS IMPORTANT.   
> (Plus the significant LACK of gender-neutral formal wear is disgusting lol So I made it up by drawing it on a particularly attractive model person. Woo!)
> 
> (If you want a more "personified" idea of how Casey looks, imagine a perfect mix of the models Willy Cartier and Courtney McCullough.)
> 
> And in this fic, the guest dorms are typically used for students who are genderqueer and uncomfortable staying in a designated dorm or students who request a more private living quarters for personal reasons (and also for the visiting Tri-Cup teams).
> 
> Okay.
> 
> -steps off my soap box-
> 
> I'm done.
> 
> (Also the OTP thing was inserted because Harry and Ced are those friends, yep. You know the ones.)


	77. The Yule Ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: A Song about Love by Jake Bugg

 

When Draco made eye contact with me, something seemed to click in his head, his expression changed and his head lowered. I made eye contact with Cedric and something in my eyes must have made him nervous because he crossed his arms to keep from shivering.

"Harry, I know what you're thinking but this may not be a good idea." Cedric told me, whispering.

"I'm not known for having good ideas," I mutter, tearing away from him and bustling my way through the crowded dancefloor. I feel as if I'm fighting against I high tide as we make eye contact, getting closer and closer.

I grab Draco's wrist and pull him away from Zabini's side, who doesn't even take note of me. "Come on."

When I reach the lobby, strangely silent, the music from the hall thumping in the distance, I find myself taking my hand away from Draco's reddening wrist. His breath is shaky from anger, mine is too but the anger is mixed with undeniable jealousy.

"What the hell, Harry?!"

"Blaise! Of all the fucking people who could have been your date, you chose Blaise. Do you not _remember_ what he did to you, or have you conveniently forgotten?" My fury came out in waves, but Draco met my eyes with defiance.

"And you brought Cedric-Fucking-Diggory! The Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw team's soccer _golden boy_ when he went here!"

"He is my _friend_!"

"Yeah, you were looking _pretty_ friendly over there."

"Don't tell me you're _jealous,_ Draco."

"Of course, I'm jealous! I see the guy I lo-... _really_ like over with some guy who you were seeing while **dating me**."

"I wasn't _seeing him_! You were gone and I didn't want to be alone in a place I felt unwelcome. Besides, you are here with a guy who _abused_ and _violated_ you. I invited Ced to be my date as emotional support because I was so depressed over us breaking up! I needed someone around to make me feel like I wasn't unlovable because of all my personal baggage!"

" **Your** baggage?!"

"Yes, _my_ baggage! The baggage of knowing my parents were murdered and," I felt a dark laugh escape my lips. "Lo and behold, my ex-boyfriend's _dad_ was the one who gave the order!"

Draco's expression, as well as the atmosphere, completely changed. He looked shocked and shamefully guilty, "Who told you?"

"My godparents and my adoptive father. Professor Lupin, a man named Sirius Black, and my new adoptive father, Severus. Two of which your father plotted against and put them in jail. So, yes, Dray. I have _baggage._ Different kind than yours... but still the same heavy weight."

We stand in silence for a few moments before I speak again, my feelings of betrayal are evident in my voice. "How long have you known? About my folks? Was it before we got close? Have you known this whole time?"

"I found out when I was on the trip with my father. I was told in front of his... inner-group, I knew about them but I didn't know the details. They wanted to induct me into their group, and standing up to him about your parents and refusing to join him was what caused my injuries. I should have told you, but I didn't want to have to tell you myself."

"You should have." I breathe shakily, hands quivering. "I should have heard it from you."

"What good would it have done?" Draco frowned, crossing his arms.

He looked so good with his hair styled and the tailored suit. I remember the destructive pace at which our relationship went and it all became clear. My heart sank. He was right. We would have still ended up here.

"About Blaise..."

"Don't." He interrupted, shaking his head. "Blaise asked to be my date and I didn't have one, so I accepted. He doesn't matter. He's too busy seeking out his next prey... He got what he wanted from you, an outburst. He'll ignore you from now on, like he does me..."

"Are we okay?" I ask.

He nods, "As much as we can be right now."

It takes all of my self-restraint to hold myself together. I breathe in, then out, slowly and shakily before closing my eyes. When my breathing gets under control and I open my eyes, Draco is watching me with something loosely considered to be concern.

"Will you dance with me?" I ask, my hands twitching at my sides.

"Yes, I'd like to." Draco nodded, reaching out and grabbing my hand.

His hand is shaking, almost tremoring at this point, and I pull him slowly into a hug. He hugs me limply.

"Dray?"

"Yeah?"

"I never wanted to hurt you. My insecurity and temper got the best of me. I am so _so_ sorry."

"I know."

"Please don't shut me out, okay? If you want, I will tell Cedric that we need time alone and we can go in the courtyard and just talk for hours. I'm getting over all the damage of my parents' murder thanks to you, I want to be here for you as long as you need me to be."

He hugged me tighter, squeezing my rib cage, "Harry, I've been thinking..."

"Yeah?" I ask, looking in his eyes.

"I'm going to move out of my parents' house and live alone."

My hands stop shaking and every ounce of attention I have goes to searching his expression. It reveals nothing. His adam's apple bobs when he takes a nervous swallow, likely from me watching him so closely.

"Really?" I ask, shocked. "What about school here?"

"My grades are decent, and if I explain the situation, I think Dumbledore will make an exception. I can get a part time job in town and live in the dorms here until graduation. By then I should have enough money saved up to sustain myself."

The announcement seemed extremely sudden, before I got the chance to ask why he shuts me down.

"Don't. My decision has nothing to do with you. I will not be involved in my father's immoral and illegal activities. I did not do it for you." He tells me and I nod, letting him lead me back into the ballroom for our promised dance.

I'm glad he didn't do it for me. He was the one who needed it, not me.


	78. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Chapter song: Arms by Christina Perri

 

It's been a year since the Yule Ball, all my friends and I along with other houses (Draco, included) got to play in the Tri-Way tournament. We managed to win both male and female tournaments, which was nice. Draco did as he said he would, moving out of his dad's place. His mother is finally in the finalizing stage of the divorce, relocating nearby Hogwarts in an apartment until Draco graduates, she lives there with Dobby who is finally retired.

After taking our time, making more careful decisions, Draco and I have gotten along better than ever. Sitting under the tree by the shore where we first played soccer together, I sit between his legs and he wraps his arms around my shoulders, I feel happy.

Severus and I live together nearby the school and my godfathers in hope of all of us reconnecting. Severus is still wary of the two due to their past but they seem to bond over me. We're planning a vacation as a family when the winter turns to spring. A text from Hermione tells me lunch will be served soon.

I relay the message to Draco, and he nods, "We should get back before someone takes our seats."

I laugh, "No one will take our seats, you've been at our table since 4 months ago they don't plan on kicking you out anytime soon. We share the same friends now, remember?"

He nods, "Yeah. I just feel like an outsider sometimes."

I hold his hand, lacing his fingers between mine, "You stopped being an outsider the moment you apologized to Neville. You didn't have to do that and I know he really appreciates it, even though he gives you a hard time."

He stopped me, holding my hand back, he smiled in a certain way that always says the same thing.

I hug him tightly and he smiles, gripping me just as tight, "We'll talk to each other every day after graduation, right?"

"Multiple times a day," I assure him.

"Just because I got a scholarship into a fancy college doesn't mean I will stop thinking about you," he smiles, rubbing his nose against my neck.

"You'd better not," I warn, smiling.

"I can't, you're the only drug I'll ever need."

"Never thought I'd hear you say that outside of bed," I laugh and he playfully nips my neck.

"Don't tempt me. It's the weekend, I could steal you away and your dad would be forced to see you in a turtleneck all next week." He says gruffly and I let go of him.

"Easy, Dray. You know for a fact it's not your turn."

He pouted, batting his eyelashes, "But I love it when it's my turn."

"Believe me," I whisper, "I'll make it worth your while."

He grinned, "Promise?"

"I swear on the grave of Tolkien."

"Ooh, that's a serious promise you're making, then" he smiled, "Can't wait."

.....

_5 years later_   
_\--_

"Harry," Draco asked, watching his boyfriend shake the snow from his coat. "How was work today?"

"I got called a narc 5 times today, so that was fun." I muttered sarcastically, unwrapping my scarf from around my neck and setting my badge on the nearby table.

"How do they not understand that's a totally different thing?"

"Apparently not," I roll my eyes, flopping down beside him on the couch. "How was class?"

"One kid had the gall to say that marching band wasn't a sport-"

I laugh, "Let me guess-"

"Yes, I spent the entire class period explaining the origin and respectability of marching band and how it is obviously a sport."

"I wish I'd been there," I grin, "this generation knows nothing about music composition, appreciation, or how to play anything beyond a slide whistle."

"You said it, not me." He laughs, then his voice softened. "I also saw Mother today."

"Oh?" I ask.

"Seems that The Death Eaters have finally all been put away for life, no possibility of parole..."

"Your mother was a saint, putting her life on the line to prosecute them." I tell him, yet again because this is the one hump we still try to accept.

"I don't plan on visiting him."

"If you ever want to, I'll gladly go for moral support." I offer and he shakes his head. "He made his choice."

"Oh! Good news!" I exclaim, pulling a velvet box out of my pocket. "Our custom rings finally came in, looks like we can announce the engagement now."

"Finally," he groans, "keeping this from Hermione has been harder than I thought. Even with a baby on the way, she still finds time to be nosy."

"Rude," I laugh. "We could go to the reunion next week, everyone should be there."

"Finally I get to show you off," Draco smiled, sighing.

"You romantic idiot," I laugh, "Your turn to make dinner tonight, your mom and Dobby are coming over tonight and all my dads are coming the 5th."

"Chicken marinara?"

"Sounds like a plan. I'm gonna call Albus, he said he wanted to talk to me about something."

"Be back downstairs before mom and Dobby get here!" He yelled up to me as I ascended the stairs.

I shortened the call when I heard the doorbell, ending the call and running downstairs I was met with Narcy and Dobby, smiling like gossiping old maids.

"Finally got the rings back?" Narcy pointed out, looking at my ring.

"He's cooking so I haven't made him put his on yet."

"May I see?" She asked, I handed her Draco's and her eyes teared up before she squeezed me in a tight hug. "I love you boys. So much."

"Thanks, Momma Narcy," I laugh and she cooes.

"I love that, call me that from now on."

I laugh, "Alright."

When he finished dinner and came to greet us, his apron on and wiping his hands dry on a rag I kissed his cheek before sliding the ring on his finger. Smiling, he whispered the engraving in my ear.

_"Est cor meum."_

Your heart is my home.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.  
> So, what do you think? :)  
> Was the ending happy enough for you? Lol


	79. The Complete Track List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.
> 
> Yes, you read that correctly. This is EVERY song listed in the fic. If you would like a link to a zip file with all songs in it (or download links to certain songs in particular) let me know!
> 
> Note: All underlined songs are instrumental.

 

Track List

1\. 2.20 Boy – Suicide Sports Club

2\. Stars and Sons – Broken Social Scene

3\. Silver Eyes – Ashram

4\. Bound – Adrian von Ziegler

5\. The Windmill – Motionless

6\. Radiolaria – Release the Long Ships (Formerly: Rain Catalogue)

7\. Settle for Satin – Alkaline Trio

8\. The End of the Beginning – Black Sabbath

9\. Tomorrow Never Knows – The Beatles

10\. Hanging by A Moment – Lifehouse

11\. Anna ni Issho Datta no ni (Piano Version) – See-Saw

12\. Tomorrow – SR-71

13\. Bedridden – Windsor Drive

14\. Brighter Days – Leeland

15\. Prison – Joseph Arthur

16\. Enter – Attica Blues

17\. I'm Sorry, I'm Lost – Epigram

18\. Becoming Insane – Infected Mushroom

19\. It's Hard to Move You – A Thorn for Every Heart

20\. Alone – Suicidal Tendencies

21\. Walls – Me vs. Gravity

22\. Sweet Sacrifice – Evanesence

23\. Terrible Thought – Poe

24\. Ghost of Days Gone By – Alter Bridge

25\. Blurry – Puddle of Mudd

26\. Secret of My Heart (English Version) – Kuraki Mai

27\. One Last Wish – James Horner

28\. You Don't See Me – Safetysuit

29\. I Can't Help Falling in Love with You – Elvis Presley

30\. Comfortable Clothes – Joyce Manor

31\. The Clockmaker – Vexare

32\. Already Over pt. 2 – Red

33\. Adagio for Strings – Samuel Barber

34\. Trophy – CROSSES

35\. Never Say Goodbye –Haley Westenra

36\. All I Want for Christmas is You – Michael Bublé

37\. Black (Acoustic) – Sevendust

38\. Red – Colin 'Booligan' Webster

39\. Falling into You – Turn Off the Stars

40\. How Did You Know? – The Seeking

41\. Big Top – Chris Thile & Edgar Meyer

42\. Polyamorous – Breaking Benjamin

43\. Only Time – Enya

44\. I'm Glad There is You – Frank Sinatra

45\. And So It Goes (Cover) – Marianas Trench

46\. Dream A Little Dream of Me (Cover) – The Moon Loungers

47\. Portraits (Instrumental Cover) – The Final Cut

48\. Princess Mononoke – Endō Masaaki

49\. Braveheart Theme (Acoustic Cover) – Luca Stricagnoli

50\. Hedwig's Theme (Organ Cover) – Dawid Michałowski

51\. Waiting – Sungha Jung

52\. My Obsession – Skillet

53\. I Walk Beside You – Dream Theater

54\. Falling (Instrumental) – Datsik

55\. Photo Albums – Daniel Licht

56\. Elegy op. 24 – Gabriel Faure

57\. Gravity – A Perfect Circle

58\. A Sky Full of Stars – Coldplay

59\. Interleave – The Diary

60\. Missing Someone I've Never Seen – April Rain

61\. Alter Ego – Tame Impala

\+ (Bonus : Rockin' Robin – Bobby Day)

62\. Without You – Oliver Boyd and the Rememberalls

\+ (Bonus : You Are My Sunshine – The Civil Wars)

63\. Say Something – A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

64\. Morgengry (Dawn) – Vàli

+ Interlude Chapter: Too Close – Alex Clare

65\. About You – XXYYXX

66\. Perfect Disguise – Modest Mouse

67\. With A Little Help From My Friends (Cover) – Across the Universe Cast

68\. Ephemeral Dream – Dan Caine

69\. Conrad – Ben Howard

\+ Interlude Chapter: I'm Not Giving Up – Gloria Estefan

70\. Cello Suite no. 1 (Prelude) – Bach

71\. Young Fools – Anadel

72\. Normal Love – Atlanta Rhythm Section

73\. Moonlight Sonata no. 1 – Ludwig von Beethoven

74\. Spring Waltz - Chopin

75\. A Song About Love – Jake Bugg

Epilogue: Arms –Christina Perri


End file.
